People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton Flashcards
If you could figure out how to bridge the gap between yourself and others, you could make your life—and theirs—much easier, happier, and more productive. 90
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
It’s about making people differences work for, rather than against, you. 98
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
“I could save myself a lot of wear and tear with people if I just learned to understand them.” —RALPH ELLISON 135
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
people with significantly different behavioral patterns: • Have a harder time establishing rapport • Are less likely to be persuasive with one another • Miscommunicate more often • Tend to rub each other the wrong way—just by being themselves 159
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Nora Ephron said, “You fall in love with someone, and part of what you love about him are the differences between you; and then you get married and the differences drive you crazy.” Don 186
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
“It is never possible to completely understand any other human being,” wrote anthropologist Edward T. Hall, “the complexity is too great.” 219
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
1960s, Dr. David Merrill, an industrial psychologist, developed a typology that focused on the behavioral differences between people. The people styles model (also referred to as a behavioral styles model) 232
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
There are four people styles, none of which is better or worse than any of the other styles. • Although each person is unique, people of the same style are similar in important ways. • Each style has potential strengths and weaknesses that aren’t shared by the other styles. • No style is more or less likely to be a predictor of success or failure. • The behavioral patterns of each style tend to trigger tension in people of the other styles. • Getting in sync with the style-based behaviors of the person you are with helps reduce interpersonal tension, thereby fostering well-functioning and productive relationships. 238
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
we can’t avoid categorizing people or anything else that we want to understand and communicate about. We can categorize well or we can categorize poorly. But we can’t not categorize. 262
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
once you have a high-quality set of categories, you need to use them skillfully. 270
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
benefit from recognizing that people differ in valuable ways and supplement your own abilities with the strengths of people who are very different from yourself. 279
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
figure out how to bridge the interpersonal gap so you are in sync with the other person’s way of working. 285
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
People Are More Predictable than You Might Think 298
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Lewis Thomas, the noted physician and essayist, wrote in exasperation, “Our behavior toward each other is the strangest, most unpredictable, and almost entirely unaccountable of all the phenomena with which we are obliged to live.” 303
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Arnold Mandell saw a neat locker, he would predict, usually correctly, that the player was on the offensive team, liked structure and discipline, enjoyed the repetitious practice of well-designed plays, and was rather conservative. When he saw a messy locker, Mandell was generally successful in assuming that the player was on the defensive team, disliked structure, was apt to challenge rules and regulations, and would be more difficult to manage than his counterparts on the offensive team. 311
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
A GOOD MODEL HELPS YOU MAKE BETTER PREDICTIONS 323
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Models are tools for the mind. 330
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
how models function: • Models identify and concentrate attention on the few really significant factors in a situation. • They enable you to interpret what you observe. They help you organize your observations so you can find new and rich meaning from data that previously would not have had much, if any, significance for you. • Models provide a reasonably accurate picture of reality despite all the data they eliminate from consideration. • They enable you to predict the probable outcome of a course of action, with the result that you are able to perform model-related functions better and faster. 332
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
A people style is a cluster of habitual assertive and responsive behaviors that have a pervasive and enduring influence on one’s actions. 346
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
organizational consultant, 358
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
An employer has no business with a man’s personality. Employment is a specific contract calling for a specific performance, and nothing else. Any attempt by an employer to go beyond this is usurpation. It is an immoral as well as illegal intrusion of privacy. 359
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
You don’t need to probe the inner sanctum of your co-workers, friends, or loved ones to improve your relationship with them. All you need to do is better understand the behavior that’s there for you and everyone else to see. Then respond appropriately. 362
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
One’s style is determined by habitual rather than occasional behaviors. 364
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
people aren’t robots doing exactly the same behavior again and again. Rather, they do the same type of behavior repeatedly. 369
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
assertiveness and responsiveness are two clusters of behavior that are especially important in determining a person’s style. 391
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Since you can’t change your dominant style, you’d be wise to accept and celebrate it. And because other people can’t change their dominant style, you’ll interact more effectively with them when you respect and get in sync with their natural style. 410
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
There are four people styles, none of which is better or worse than any of the other styles. • The population is evenly divided among the styles. • We are all four-style people—that is, each of us has some degree of access to the characteristic behavioral tendencies of all four of the styles. • Each of us, however, has a dominant style—a set of behaviors that we’re more adept at, especially comfortable with, and use frequently. 414
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When you are dealing with people, there are no certainties—but there are significant probabilities. 426
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
“Who am I and what, if anything, can I do about it?” —ALDOUS HUXLEY 440
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Machiavelli noted in his treatise on leadership, “To lead or attempt to lead without first having a knowledge of self is foolhardy and is sure to bring disaster and defeat.” 445
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
read each item from the standpoint of the way you think other people see you. It may help to think of three people you work 451
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Discipline yourself to be as objective as possible. 456
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
select the statement that represents how a majority might view you—even a small majority of 51 percent. Force yourself to make a choice 461
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
think in terms of “more than” or “slower than” half of the population. 464
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
a person’s level of assertiveness is the degree to which his behavior is typically seen by others as being forceful or directive. 532
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
lower levels of assertiveness indicate submissiveness. Not so. While some less assertive people are submissive, most of these folks simply use less forceful ways to achieve their goals. 544
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
assertiveness refers to a person’s behavior—that which can be seen and heard—rather than to inner qualities. Many less-assertive people have a strong inner drive, despite the fact that what people see—their behavior—would not generally be perceived as forceful or directive. 550
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
They achieve success in a manner that’s softer and quieter than that of their behaviorally more assertive colleagues. 552
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
A person’s level of responsiveness is the degree to which she is seen by others as showing her own emotions and demonstrating awareness of the feelings of others. 596
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Individuals who tend to be emotionally reserved are said to be “above the line.” Those who are more emotionally disclosing and more aware of the feelings of others are referred to as “below the line.” 601
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analytical is the name given to the style in the upper-left portion of the people styles grid. Analyticals combine greater-than-average emotional restraint with lower-than-average assertiveness. •
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Driving style is found in the upper-right section of the grid. Drivers combine greater-than-average emotional restraint with a higher-than-average level of assertiveness. •
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Amiable style is located in the lower-left quadrant. Amiables integrate higher-than-average emotional responsiveness with less assertiveness than half of the population. •
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives are positioned in the lower-right area of the grid. They blend a higher-than-average level of assertiveness with a higher-than-average level of emotional expressiveness. 652
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Early in life, one style emerged as your favorite, and you now rely primarily on that style. 662
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Merrill and his colleague Roger Reid noted: When our research was completed … we had evidence to challenge the notion that the most successful persons in business are more assertive. In addition, responsiveness or lack of it did not appear to be consistently related to success. Successful, well-regarded career persons were found along all ranges of the assertiveness and responsiveness scales—just as were less successful individuals. 671
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
the “thought person” [Analytical], the “action person” [Driver], the “people person” [Amiable], and the “front person” [Expressive]. Drucker 678
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Benjamin Franklin wrote, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” 717
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
half of the people doing a People Style Self-Assessment don’t identify their style correctly. That’s why it makes sense to treat this self-assessment as a working hypothesis. 734
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers are fast-paced. They speak rapidly, walk swiftly, decide quickly, and work efficiently. When they delegate, they’re apt to want the assignment completed “yesterday.” They sometimes get impatient if you are not speaking, deciding, and producing at the fast clip they expect. These are get-it-done people. 763
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers are often puzzled by others’ strong reactions to their reversals of position. 781
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers are so fast-paced and action-oriented that they sometimes improvise a hasty and ill-conceived change of course that merely sets the stage for a new set of problems. 783
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers excel at time management. 784
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers love to set high but realistic objectives and then make steady and efficient progress toward achieving them. 788
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Much of the Drivers’ body language telegraphs their purposefulness. 793
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers are so preoccupied with the immediate situation that they are unaware of valuable lessons from the past. 799
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers are tell-oriented. Their speech is fast-paced, their comments are direct and to the point, and they include less detail and redundancy than most people. 806
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers tend to be more task-oriented than people-oriented. 811
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
the Drivers’ exceptionally strong focus on task sometimes makes them oblivious to other people’s needs and interests. 822
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers are generally so busy doing and talking that they don’t do nearly enough listening. 827
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives love the limelight. They work best when they receive lots of positive feedback. This spirited style bristles with energy. 848
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives want to be where the action is. They gravitate toward exciting, fast-moving activities. They like to be continually on the go. 852
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives tend to be visionaries. 853
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Follow-through is where Expressives tend to be especially weak. They’re quickly bored with the many humdrum details 858
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives are impulsive. They’re likely to change directions on the spur of the moment. People of this style have a tendency to act first and think later. 861
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
You Analyticals plan for eventualities that never happen. And planning is such a drag. 866
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Time management is a major challenge for Expressives. 868
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives often late to meetings or may miss them altogether. 869
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Expressive is the most outgoing of the styles. These extroverts relate easily and seemingly effortlessly to strangers and have a large circle of acquaintances. 871
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Emotions play a dominant role in the Expressive’s decision-making process. They rely less on facts and more on hunches, opinions, and intuition 881
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives crank up the volume when they speak. 890
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When Expressives speak, their whole body joins in. 892
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives - “I speak to find out what I’m thinking.” 895
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Storytelling is part and parcel of the Expressive’s approach to communicating. 897
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Expressive will likely be up-front about saying what he does or doesn’t like. This is a tell-it-like-it-is style. 906
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives are long on talking and short on listening. 909
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When you want to communicate with an Expressive, do it verbally if you can, and face-to-face if that’s possible. 912
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
key to a lively gathering is to be sure a number of Expressives are invited. 917
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Amiable gets things done in a manner that’s less assertive than average, 937
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables are very people-oriented. Their friendly, easygoing manner lends warmth and harmony to their interactions with others. 940
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables undergird their friendliness with empathy. 942
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables are concerned about what other people think and want. They’re often more interested in hearing your concerns than in expressing their own. Amiables are especially sensitive to other people’s feelings. 943
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiable normally likes to work with others, especially in small groups or one on one. 948
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables are less likely than the more assertive styles to seek power for themselves. 950
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables are the unsung heroes of many a team effort. 956
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables are often more able than other styles to speak realistically about the human consequences of a decision under consideration. 963
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Amiable’s body language is relaxed and low key. 965
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables are comfortable with eye contact and are facially expressive. Many Amiables are reluctant to “tell it like it is” for fear of alienating the other person. 969
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When seething inwardly, Amiables are often present a calm exterior. 981
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables treasure harmonious relationships, they are natural peacemakers 990
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Some Amiables prefer to have the organization define their role and set their goals—as long as the demands aren’t unreasonable. 993
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
If you persist too long in treating them in ways they don’t like, Amiables will eventually become angry and can be slow to forgive or forget. 1004
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals value exactness, prefer quality over quantity, want things they’re associated with to be right. 1018
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals watchword is, “Let’s do it right the first time so we don’t have to do it over.” 1020
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals are sticklers for detail since they’re convinced that rigorous attention to every aspect of a project, 1022
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Analytical is known for being systematic and well organized. 1030
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Many Analyticals take calculated risks, but some are reluctant to do even that. As a rule, they’d rather be safe than sorry. 1033
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Analytical’s perfectionistic quest for quality leads her to set exceedingly high standards. 1040
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analytical is the most introverted of the styles. Analyticals are private people who are often seen by others as aloof. 1042
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Analytical likes to be alone or with just a few other people. 1045
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Henry David Thoreau wrote, “I have a great deal of company in my house; especially in the morning when nobody calls.” 1046
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals are the quietest of the styles. 1052
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals are similar to Amiables in their tendency to be indirect when making a request or stating an opinion. 1064
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals don’t wear their feelings on their sleeve, and sometimes are seen by others as cold or detached. 1069
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives, in particular, become even more upset when an Analytical tries to get them to talk calmly and rationally during brouhaha. 1075
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Note the gifts—the potential strengths—of your style. • Develop those gifts into actual strengths. • Capitalize on those strengths. 1089
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The Gallup Organization asked more than 1.7 million employees, “What percentage of a typical day do you spend playing to your strengths?” Less than 20 percent responded, “most of the time.” 1121
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
researchers found that people who are mismatched to their jobs are significantly less productive, less customer-focused, and more likely to leave their place of employment than those whose abilities are well matched to their work. 1125
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
AVOID OVERRELYING ON YOUR STRENGTHS 1127
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Alexandre Dumas. The line, “Any virtue carried to the extreme can become a crime,” 1130
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Marcus Buckingham, a former executive of the Gallup Organization, emphasized, “You will excel only by maximizing your strengths, never by fixing your weaknesses.” 1174
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
In dealing with your weaknesses the challenge is to focus narrowly on one crucial weakness—the one that could most damage your performance. 1178
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
planning fallacy often plagues efforts to change a dysfunctional pattern of behavior. 1191
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
• The time needed to overcome the weakness • The effort required • Distractions like unexpected problems (and opportunities) that sidetrack them from the planned improvement • After overcoming a flaw, how much maintenance will be required to preserve the gains for the rest of their lives 1193
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
A complementary partner is someone who is strong where you are weak and will supplement your efforts to achieve a goal. 1203
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
No style handles excessive stress graciously. Each has its predictable and unproductive way of reacting to too much pressure. 1240
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
backup behavior relieves some stress for the short term, it has very costly side effects and is highly contagious. 1243
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
A person’s backup style is an automatic reaction to an overload of stress, which results in an extreme, inappropriate, and inflexible distortion of the person’s normal style-based behavior. 1247
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
People’s speech and actions when in backup are inappropriate; what they say and do is unsuitable for the situation and ignores the needs and feelings of others. 1253
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
One’s backup style is a protective mechanism that’s set off by excessive stress. 1259
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Hans Selye, M.D., regarded as the world’s leading stress researcher, emphasized that suitable levels of stress add zest to life. On the one hand, he found that optimal levels of stress contribute enormously to one’s performance. 1260
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
excessive stress erodes one’s performance and causes such wear and tear on the body that it can be a major factor in all manner of diseases. 1263
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Even when you are not aware of being overstressed, your subconscious gets the picture and propels you into backup, thereby limiting the escalation of stress. 1270
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Although the shift to one’s backup style is instinctive, there’s no need to let it run your life. 1272
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
• Expressives (who normally are highly assertive and emotionally demonstrative) attack. • Drivers (who normally are highly assertive and emotionally restrained) become autocratic. • Amiables (who normally are less assertive and more emotive than most people) acquiesce. • Analyticals (who are less assertive and less emotive than most people) avoid participation and emotional involvement. 1278
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives in Backup: Attacking 1285
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives become even more assertive and more emotional. 1287
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives tends to be relatively short-lived. Almost immediately after the Expressive has blown his stack, he’s ready to resume normal interactions as if nothing had happened. 1289
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers in Backup: Autocratic 1298
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers normally strong-willed people become even more controlling. 1299
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The normally fast-paced Drivers tend to decide and act even quicker when in backup, which puts enormous pressure on the slower-paced styles. 1301
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables in Backup: Acquiescing 1305
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
In periods of low stress, Amiables are quiet, friendly, and cooperative people who like to relate to others with minimal interpersonal tension. Excessive stress increases the Amiables’ efforts to avoid conflict by appeasing others. 1306
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
In backup, Amiables go overboard in appearing cooperative and in trying to minimize interpersonal tension. 1308
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
It’s often difficult to know when an Amiable has moved into backup. 1309
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
if you carefully observe the Amiable’s body language you’ll note that there has been a subtle change. Although you may hear agreeable words, the “music”—the body language—has changed. 1314
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Amiables take longer to move into backup than the more assertive styles. Once in backup, however, Amiables tend to remain in backup quite a bit longer. 1323
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Though slow to anger, Amiables are also slow to forgive and forget. 1324
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
poet Dryden cautioned, “Beware [of] the fury of a patient man.” 1325
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives and Drivers have little patience with the peace-at-any-price behavior of an Amiable in backup. 1326
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals in Backup: Avoiding 1331
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Analyticals are quiet, emotionally reserved people. When they experience an overload of tension, they withdraw further into themselves, withholding both their thoughts and their feelings from others. 1332
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Drivers, who like to tackle things head-on, are frustrated by the Analytical’s avoidance when in backup. 1338
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives and Amiables dislike the extreme emotional withdrawal of an Analytical in backup. 1339
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
secondary backup style that is out-of-the-box behavior at the opposite end of the assertion continuum. 1358
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
when anyone is in the secondary backup style, he is extremely ineffective. 1365
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
you can decrease the likelihood of shifting into dysfunctional behavior by improving your stress management. 1384 1. Keep tabs on your stress level, and when it surges, find ways to reduce it. 1387
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
- Identify the kinds of events and the types of people that trigger your overreactions. 1390
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Forewarned is forearmed. 1392
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
four ways to contain the damage when you find yourself in backup. Take a “Time Out” for Yourself 1395
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Decrease Your Use of Backup Behavior 1410
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
the movement into one’s backup style is an automatic reaction, not a conscious choice. However, once you are in backup, it’s possible to regain control of your behavior. 1412
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Don’t Save Your Backup Behavior for Loved Ones Ironically, it’s not uncommon for people to employ more constructive behavior at work than with the people they’re closest to. They sometimes mitigate their backup behavior at work but resort to their full-blown backup tendencies in the more casual atmosphere of the home. 1418
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Avoid Making Decisions When in Backup When “under the influence” of backup style, your judgment is severely impaired—and when your judgment is malfunctioning, it’s no time to solve problems or make decisions. 1424
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
One of the most difficult interpersonal challenges we face is dealing constructively with others when they’re in backup. Here’s how to make the best of these difficult situations. Expect That People Won’t Always Be at Their Best 1432
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and philosopher, wrote, “Every morning when I leave my house, I say to myself, ‘Today I shall meet an impudent man, an ungrateful one, one who talks too much. Therefore do not be surprised.’ ” 1435
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
There is nothing subtle or unobtrusive about their out-of-the-box behavior. But with Amiables and occasionally with Analyticals, it can be difficult to spot the sometimes subtle differences between normal and backup behavior. 1440
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
backup behavior is highly contagious and tends to quickly trigger dysfunctional reactions in others. 1446
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
switch your attention from the unpleasantness of that person’s disagreeable behavior to what is triggering that behavior—an enormous buildup of stress. 1450
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Remind yourself that the person’s movement into rigid and frustrating behavior was an automatic response, not a conscious choice. It’s a safety valve that’s hardwired into her nervous system to protect her from the ravages of dangerous levels of stress. 1452
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Don’t Do Business with Someone Who Is in Backup Avoid discussing significant issues when the other person is in backup. 1456
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When Others Are in Backup, Don’t Try to Talk Them out of It 1459
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressive is in backup, people often say, “For heaven’s sake, stop shouting, will you? Let’s talk this over like two rational human beings.” When an Analytical in backup withdraws into his shell, people often say, “Get it off your chest.” When a Driver becomes more intense and directive than usual, people are likely to say, “Relax, take it easy.” When an Amiable is acquiescing, people may say, “Come on, speak up! It’s obvious that something is upsetting you.” These kinds of statements, which are meant to improve a tense situation, usually have the opposite effect. 1460
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
“You never know till you try to reach them how accessible men are; but you must approach each man by the right door.” —HENRY WARD BEECHER, 1475
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When two people of different styles live or work together, one or both must adjust. If neither adapts to the other, communication will deteriorate, cooperation will decline, the relationship will be stressed, and in work situations productivity will inevitably slump. 1484
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When people of different styles don’t get along, the problem isn’t incompatibility; the problem usually is inflexibility. People of very different styles can collaborate fruitfully when one or both of them make an effort to adapt to the other. 1490
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Interpersonal flexibility is the ability to adapt to a wide variety of people in ways that are relatively stress-free for them. 1503
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
“I’ll do what I can to make it easy for others to relate to me.” 1507
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
low interpersonal flexibility are “tone deaf” to the ways other people like to be treated. 1508
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Low-flex people typically are confident that their way is the right way. 1511
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
in the quest for improved relationships, people typically try to change their spouse, 1526
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Mark Twain observed, “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” 1527
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The primary leverage you have for improving a relationship is your own behavior. 1529
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
taking the initiative in improving the relationship will generally create three positive outcomes for you. First, you don’t have to wait for the other person to come around to your manner of doing things in order to relate effectively or function productively with that person. That could be a v-e-r-y long wait. 1533
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
your ability and willingness to adapt to the other person can help you achieve your goals. 1537
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When you make it easier and more comfortable for another person to work with you, that person often changes his behavior in ways that you appreciate. 1544
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Style flex involves taking the initiative for improving the relationship. 1546
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Select no more than two to three types of behavior to adjust. Experience shows that most people can’t effectively make more than two or three kinds of adjustments at a time. 1553
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
psychologists Clifford Notorius and Howard Markham concluded, “Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship.” 1560
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
only flex your style when it is appropriate. 1566
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
manipulate is “to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner.” Much manipulation is “being ‘nice’ to people at their expense.” 1575
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
three important reasons for not succumbing to this temptation: 1. To manipulate others is to harm yourself. 1577 2. Manipulation is more likely to work against you than for you. 1582 3. Manipulation is unethical. 1587
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
One of the main reasons people conceal their opinion is to get along better with others. But if you repeatedly downplay, conceal, or misrepresent your point of view to blend in with the person or group you are with, your relationships are bound to deteriorate over time. 1594
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Lewis Thomas, the noted physician, says, “We are biologically designed to be truthful to each other.” 1602
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Doctor Zhivago, Boris Pasternak writes, “Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel. Our nervous system isn’t just a fiction; it’s a part of our physical body. It can’t be forever violated with impunity.” 1603
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Psychiatrist Erich Fromm adds, “If someone violates his moral and intellectual integrity, he weakens or even paralyzes his total personality.” 1606
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
People sometimes get the idea that style flex is just a pretentious name for conformity. 1611
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Experts on interpersonal communication distinguish between the content and the process of an interaction. The content of a conversation is WHAT is said—the information that’s exchanged, the proposals that are discussed, the decisions that are made. Process refers to HOW people are communicating: the tenor of the conversation, the intensity of body language, the amount of air time each person uses, and so forth. 1614
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
he tailors his approach, not his position. 1619
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
By creating a less stressful interpersonal process through style flex, you can pave the way for a constructive discussion of difficult issues. 1625
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
how a proposal is presented can be as crucial to its getting a good hearing as to what the proposal contains. 1645
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
“When a relationship isn’t going well, don’t do more of the same; try something different.” 1646 Step 1: Identify. 1675• Step 2: Plan. 1677 Step 3: Implement. 1680 Step 4: Evaluate. 1682
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Monitoring During a conversation, do an occasional mental check to see if your behavior is having a positive impact on the interaction. 1719
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
After-the-Conversation Critiquing From time to time, and especially after important conversations, take a moment to evaluate how effectively you communicated. 1722
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
style flex is the temporary adjustment of a few behaviors. 1749
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Psychiatrist Leonard Zunin, in his book Contact: The First Four Minutes, points out that there’s a sense in which people “restart” their relationship every time they meet. 1754
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
A key to enhancing your relationships is to make each fresh start a positive one. 1755
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Sociologist Erving Goffman’s research demonstrated that shortly after a conversation has begun it’s possible to predict with considerable accuracy how effective it will be. 1756
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
you can make the most of many conversations by getting in step with the other person at the outset. 1759
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
open in parallel and then, after a few minutes, relax your efforts. Keep monitoring the interaction, though, and if the other person’s tension begins to increase, resume flexing your style. Then ease into your natural conversational mode after a few more minutes. 1761
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Holmes told his companion, “You see but you do not observe.” 1790
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
separate the observation of behavior from making inferences about the behavior. 1795
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Style identification is based on the observation of behavior. 1799
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
when asked to observe and describe behavior, people often report their inferences. 1806
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
When it comes to identifying a person’s style, discipline yourself to focus strictly on behavior—on what the person says or does. Avoid the tendency to jump from observation of behavior to conclusions about the person’s thoughts or feelings. 1811
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
communication researchers estimate that a person is bombarded with about ten thousand sensory perceptions a second. 1816
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Seven types of behavior, noted in Figure 13-1, are especially useful indicators of a person’s level of assertiveness. 1824
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
assertion is a syndrome—a collection of behavioral characteristics that typically cluster together. 1826
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Focus on three pairs of words: more/less, faster/slower, louder/softer. The more assertive styles (Drivers and Expressives) speak more, gesture more, and demonstrate more energy than most people. They talk faster and move faster than half the population. They speak louder. 1829
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The less assertive styles (Amiables and Analyticals) demonstrate less energy and less movement, and they tend to speak less than the average person. They are somewhat slower moving and they talk slower. Their voices are usually quieter. 1832
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The feelings of more-responsive people (Amiables and Expressives) are quite transparent. These emotionally demonstrative people have more facial animation and more vocal inflection than most people. Their gestures and posture tend to be more flowing than average. And they tend to be more aware of other people’s feelings than half of the population. 1842
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
The less-responsive styles (Analyticals and Drivers) are less emotionally disclosing than half of the population. It’s often difficult to “read” what they are feeling. As the saying goes, they have “a stiff upper lip.” They have less facial animation and less vocal inflection than most people. They gesture less and their gestures and posture tend to be less flowing than average. Furthermore, they tend to be less aware of other people’s feelings than half of the population. 1845
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
when trying to identify someone’s style, temporarily take a back seat in the conversation. 1891
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Since people styles is a behavioral model, the best clues for identifying someone’s style are nonverbal. 1894
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
one of the most frequent mistakes in style identification comes from assuming a person is a Driver when, in reality, she is an Expressive. 1901
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
discuss how your manager would like you to work with him. 1940
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
whenever possible, give people the freedom to do things their way. 1950
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
You’ll never get peak performance from your associates if you expect them to do everything the way you’d do it. 1956
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Savvy managers encourage their people to use their own style and capitalize on their natural strengths, rather than attempt to make them into pale imitations of themselves. 1958
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
when appropriate, use style flex in team meetings. 1960
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Once rapport is established, flex to the task. Alternate between flexing to the person and flexing to the task as needed. 2007
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
It took a lot of Shelly’s energy to flex back and forth between her coworker and the project. But Shelly thought the results justified the effort. The project was a solid success, and the relationship was stronger than ever. 2030
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
clash between two Drivers, it’s usually because they’re both bringing high levels of assertiveness to the interaction. 2060
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
Expressives love the limelight. 2064
People Styles at Work by Dorothy Grover Bolton
