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Book Notes > Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler > Flashcards

Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler Flashcards

1
Q

The way to get through this period is to stay with your experience, as much as possible.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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2
Q

“I have an ocean of tears, and I’m not a good swimmer. ”.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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3
Q

Heartbreak (n. ): the vast pain that we suffer in response to our expectations not being met in some way; a facet of reality as a human being.

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4
Q

There are many forms of heartbreak. They all seem to revolve around our unrealistic expectations not being met,.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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5
Q

The specific situations that cause us heartbreak result in similar reactions. We shut down. We get angry. We feel devastated. And so on.

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6
Q

Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, once said, “True love is the natural energy of our settled mind. ”1.

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7
Q

Four main qualities make up the notion of love in every Buddhist tradition,.

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8
Q
  1. Loving-kindness. Translated from the Sanskrit word mitra, or friend, the act of loving-kindness is the very act of befriending ourselves. If we cannot love ourselves, we have no hope of loving others.
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9
Q

If you haven’t unlocked your heart by befriending yourself there is no love to offer to those other beings.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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10
Q
  1. Compassion. Having befriended ourselves, we can offer our heart to others. We share in their joy and we share in their suffering.
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11
Q

My personal definition of a loving relationship is one where two people are able to stand shoulder to shoulder together to meet the many discomforts life presents them.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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12
Q
  1. Sympathetic joy. The next quality of love in the Buddhist tradition is sympathetic joy. This means we don’t hold ourselves apart from the joy of others, in a similar way to how we don’t hide from other people’s suffering. We take on both.
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13
Q
  1. Equanimity. My favorite translation of the Sanskrit word for equanimity, upeksha, is actually “inclusiveness. ” It means we remain openhearted not just when we’re hanging out with our good friends—we also do so when we see our ex at a bar or that colleague who really screwed us over at work. It means we include in our heart the people we like, the people we really don’t like, and the vast number of people we have never even met.
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14
Q

Thich Nhat Hanh has said, “When you love one person, it’s an opportunity for you to love everyone, all beings. ”2 Making our heart that accommodating—that is equanimity.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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15
Q

The foundation of loving all beings is starting with taking care of and loving yourself.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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16
Q

Pema Chödrön has said, “Unconditional good heart toward others is not even a possibility unless we attend to our own demons. ”3 First we attend to our demons. Then we befriend our demons. Then we grow to love our demons.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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17
Q

The main way to move through heartbreak is to look directly at it and not flinch. To stay with our discomfort is the best way to move through our discomfort.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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18
Q

If you disregard all the other advice in the book I hope you will hear this one thing: please give meditation a chance.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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19
Q

The heartbreak was based in feeling that things should be one way, and becoming disappointed to learn that they were another.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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20
Q

Because we spend most of our mental energy in the land of What If we are startled and shocked when reality intervenes and shows us the land of The Way Things Are.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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21
Q

In this way, it’s not the heart that breaks, it’s the ego.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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22
Q

Your set ego has an archenemy called Reality.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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23
Q

Love can be true and lasting, under the right conditions. . . . Yet often, instead of giving love room to expand, we box it in with our expectations. Expectations make our love conditional on what the other person does or says. . . . For love to last, it is best not to have too many expectations. It is better just to offer love. ”6.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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24
Q

Writing is how I process information.

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25
Q

Here’s what I discovered about heart failure: it’s the term they use when they have no clue why someone died.

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26
Q

We stumbled across a love of Bulleit bourbon. That’s my go-to drink now, and every time I raise a glass I raise it to Alex.

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27
Q

Suffering is the nature of things. We Buddhists call this whole cycle of suffering samsara, and it is said that we are engaged in it lifetime after lifetime.

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28
Q

The very first thing that the Buddha ever taught was the Four Noble Truths. Truth number one is all about suffering. There are three types of suffering the Buddha discussed. The suffering of suffering the suffering of change all-pervasive suffering.

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29
Q

The suffering of change is that even the really fun parts of our life are impermanent. It doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy, say, the beginning of a relationship when everything is shiny and new. It just means we shouldn’t do what we often do, which is expect it to always be that way. Relationships change. People change. Everything changes.

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30
Q

The Second Noble Truth, incidentally, is that we suffer because of ignorance and craving.

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31
Q

The Third Noble Truth is the “good news” truth: there can be a cessation of suffering.

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32
Q

The Fourth Noble Truth the Buddha taught is that there is a path to overcome suffering, which includes the Eightfold Path and all the other teachings he offered from that day forward.

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33
Q

The Zen master Suzuki Roshi was once asked by a student to summarize all of Buddhism in one phrase. He looked up and bluntly said, “Everything changes. ”7 Then he moved on to the next question.

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34
Q

Another thing Suzuki Roshi once said was, “Life is like stepping into a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink. ”8 All aspects of our life, including our relationships, are like that, and for that I am sorry.

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35
Q

The cells in our bodies die and are replaced gradually over seven-year cycles so that every seven years we’re a whole new being.

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36
Q

As soon as we enter into a relationship with another being we are boarding a ship that will, eventually, sink. Again, I’m sorry.

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37
Q

“The thing about heartbreak is that you’re at the bottom. So there’s nowhere to go but up. ” Another person in a different appointment said, “I realized I can be okay, with or without a romantic prospect. It’s up to me to be okay and whole on my own. ”.

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38
Q
  1. What is your experience of heartbreak? 2. How are you feeling. . . Right now? 3. What can you do to take care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak? 4. What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself?.
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39
Q

Sometimes, when we are plagued by heartbreak, we forget to appreciate the simple things in our life.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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40
Q

Skip the activity that will only make you feel worse about yourself and go straight to self-care.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

41
Q

Four Exhilarations. It is said that if you can do all four of these in one day you will feel uplifted and have a renewed sense of energy. Here are the four secret teachings: eat well sleep well meditate exercise.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

42
Q

Sleeping well means getting more sleep than you think you need. When you are heart-broken, your body is going through a process that is hard and it needs rest.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

43
Q

I am drawing a line between cutting off contact with someone and inwardly giving up on them. Heartbreak can mean loving someone and wishing they would go fuck themselves at the same time.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

44
Q

You are basically good. You are basically whole, complete, worthy, kind, and sane. That is who you are, according to the Buddhist perceptive.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

45
Q

We should not write anyone off. Even if someone hurts us or commits an atrocity they can still turn things around.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

46
Q

In my tradition, that of Shambhala, we have a saying: “Never give up on anybody. ” I know I have people in my life I can’t regularly engage with because they are aggressive, slanderous, and my presence does not do anything to change that. It may take a more enlightened being than I, or perhaps they may need to go through their own heartbreak in order to soften.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

47
Q

In the Buddhist tradition we refer to beings willing to keep their heart open no matter what as bodhisattvas. Bodhi is a Sanskrit word that can be translated as “open” or “awake. ” Sattva can be translated from Sanskrit as “being” or “warrior. ”.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

48
Q

The Zen master Seung Sahn once said, “Being a bodhisattva means when people come, don’t cut them off; when people go, don’t cut them off. ”9.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

49
Q

The Buddha took one look at the dead child and made her a promise: he would save the child if she could find a mustard seed in the city within which she lived. There was a catch, though: the mustard seed had to come from a household in which no one had died.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

50
Q

List positive things that this person desires. Then add three magic words at the end: “just like me. ” For example: Becca wants to be happy. . . Just like me.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

51
Q

Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “Understanding is the other name of love. If you don’t understand, you can’t love. ”10.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

52
Q

It helps to remember that everyone is trying to do the best they can.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

53
Q

Often a rejection has much less to do with us and much more to do with what is going on in that person’s own head.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

54
Q

Often we want to make a rejection all about us. And not just us in this moment: us in perpetuity. “I will always be rejected by women. ”.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

55
Q

If you don’t think you will love again e-mail me at lodrorinzler@gmail. Com with the subject line “I Won’t Love Again” and include your phone number. That’s my personal e-mail address so I’ll receive it quickly. I will call you as soon as I get the message and simply tell you what Brett told me: “You will love again. I promise. ” Sometimes we just need to hear it.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

56
Q

The heartbreak of feeling like a failure is rooted in the ways we perpetuate self-doubt.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

57
Q

Failure can be boiled down to one simple question: how much can you believe in yourself versus how much do you sit around doubting every aspect of who you are? I don’t mean “self” in the vein of an eternal, permanent self. I mean the core of who we are: our basic goodness. How much can we actually develop confidence in that? Because if we can’t, then we walk around constantly questioning ourselves, comparing ourselves with others, and thinking we’re a failure while everyone else has it all figured out.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

58
Q

This ad is just one of a million voices adding to that big shout of “You’re not good enough! Look outside of yourself for fulfillment!”.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

59
Q

It’s time to replace that shout with our own voice saying, “You are basically good and you have everything you need inside of yourself to be successful. ”.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

60
Q

Does whatever good come from the heartbreak somehow justify it? More often than not, no. But that doesn’t mean that absolutely no good will come from your pain. You may just have to wait to see what happens, just like the patient farmer.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

61
Q

The view of basic goodness isn’t just that you are basically whole and innately good. It’s that you have everything you need inside of you to see your way through whatever seemingly insurmountable pain it is that you are feeling right now.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

62
Q

Step one? Acknowledging that this situation has come to pass.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

63
Q

Step two is not acting out in a way that will perpetuate your pain.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

64
Q

Step three is taking care of yourself, to the best of your ability. Step four is offering me a modicum of trust here when I tell you that you will be okay.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

65
Q

Take some time to get to know and befriend yourself independent of this life-changing and emotionally charged relationship.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

66
Q

Because I’m not sure if I believe you, e-mail me what you ate. Bonus points for pictures to prove it. I’m reachable at lodrorinzler@gmail. Com and will write you back.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

67
Q

When we feel rejected we have this impulse to get over our ex by getting under someone else.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

68
Q

When we are feeling hurt we can do something radical: we can just feel hurt, without having to do something (or someone) about it.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

69
Q

They see love as a kind of gift that has to be given back. . . . But love doesn’t always have to be reciprocated. We can just love. If love doesn’t come back to you, it is still love that you give and that you feel. ”14.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

70
Q

If you gave someone a gift and they died, would the gift no longer exist? No, it would still be there sitting in their home, even if that person no longer owns it. The same can be said for our love.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

71
Q

We tend to walk around thinking everyone knows our current shame and can read it plain as day on our faces. We believe everyone is looking straight at us and seeing our inner turmoil; the reality, however, is that they are completely wrapped up in their own internal drama and aren’t paying us any heed at all.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

72
Q

Yet they didn’t realize what was going on with us; they just knew they were late and were wrapped up in being lost. We were merely extras in the movie of their life.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

73
Q

Everyone is wrapped up in their own stuff, so 90 percent of the time they won’t even notice whatever you might feel ashamed about. The 10 percent of semiobservant people who see your pain will likely empathize with you.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

74
Q

You feel what you feel. There is no shame in feeling those things.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

75
Q

You do not need to feel ashamed for leaning on people, for public displays of emotion, or for being who you are.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

76
Q

Don’t give up on life. We’re all waiting for you to come back to us and we’re cheering you on, even if we don’t say so all the time.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

77
Q

Feel the anger. Let it wash over you like a wave. But don’t feed it. Anger is like fire. If you pour fuel on a fire it will continue to burn. Without fuel it will do its thing and then burn out. Anger is fueled by the stories we tell ourselves.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

78
Q

“If you purchased a gift for someone,” the Buddha inquired, “but that person did not accept the gift, to whom would it belong?” The man was taken by surprise by this question. “I guess it would still belong to me, because I bought it, right?” “That’s exactly right,” said the Buddha. “In the same way, if you offer me anger but I don’t accept your curses and accusations, not getting angry in return, then isn’t the anger you offer returned to you, its owner?”.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

79
Q

The Buddha continued, “As a mirror reflects an object, as a still lake reflects the sky—take care that what you speak or act is for good. For goodness will always cast back goodness, and harm will always cast back harm. ”16.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

80
Q

The Zen teacher Suzuki Roshi once said, “Hell is not punishment, it’s training. ”17.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

81
Q

The Buddha walks into a bar and orders a martini, straight up. The bartender makes it and passes it to him. The Buddha hands the bartender a twenty-dollar bill and then waits. And waits. And waits. Finally the Buddha politely signals the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, can’t I get my change?” “Buddy,” the bartender replies, “you of all people should know: change comes from within. ”18.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

82
Q

Every single person you have ever met is fighting a battle right now. More often than not it’s internal—them grappling with their own fear, insecurity, or depression. Sometimes it’s more visible. But everyone has something they are suffering through so please be kind to them.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

83
Q

Pema Chödrön once said, “In reality when you feel depressed, lonely, betrayed, or any unwanted feelings, this is an important moment on the spiritual path. This is where real transformation can take place. ”19 I can’t promise you will wake up one day and feel the same as you did before whatever happened occurred, but I can promise that real transformation is happening to you, right now.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

84
Q

There are two types of forgiveness that often accompany heartbreak. The first is the desire to forgive someone who has wronged you in some way. The other is the yearning to forgive yourself, which is actually the foundation of forgiveness overall in my experience.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

85
Q

The more we lay the ground for forgiveness with ourselves, the more we are able to offer forgiveness to others.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

86
Q

Relief-guilt is when we part from something or someone and feel a bit liberated but, because either we feel we should be suffering or the other person is currently suffering, we feel guilty.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

87
Q

You feel how you feel. That’s neither good nor bad. The only bad emotion, in my opinion, is the one you close yourself off to.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

88
Q

We have to layer our foundation of trust in ourselves before we can really offer trust to other beings.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

89
Q

Tibetan Buddhist master Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche simply responded, “Everything is predetermined. . . Until now. ” The fact that you might have trouble trusting is predetermined by all the pain you have experienced in the past. But now, in this very moment, you can choose to open your heart and trust again.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

90
Q

I have found that the length of time a relationship lasts is irrelevant in terms of the amount of heartbreak you end up with.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

91
Q

The Buddhist party line and say that she will be reborn in one of six realms of existence: the god realm, the jealous god realm, the human realm, or she might become an animal again, suffer as a hungry ghost, or end up in the hell realms.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

92
Q

“Love mixed with space is called letting go. ”20.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

93
Q

Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, once said about society. He said that society can be two people having tea.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

94
Q

Robert Kennedy once gave a beautiful speech where he made the point that our actions are like a stone thrown in a pool of water; we don’t know where the ripples are going to go. We may never be able to see the complete ramifications of all of our actions in society. 21.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

95
Q

We are always creating society. Every time we interact with someone we are creating society. Also, the way we show up in our smaller societies has an impact on society overall.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

96
Q

“Can it still be heartbreak if so much good came out of it?” In my opinion, it can. Heartbreak is real, even if it’s not always a permanent scar. David is quite rare in being willing and able to rebound from such a loss and still offer his love to the woman who hurt him.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

97
Q

I sat with it. I let it exist. I didn’t fight it. And I’m okay.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

98
Q

We can train for the big heartbreaks in our life by being with all of the little heartbreaks that come up. By giving these little heartbreaks the attention they need instead of squashing them down or running from them, we see our way through them. That builds confidence that we can, indeed, see our way through to healing heartbreak in general.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

99
Q

I will have trained to open my heart and give myself the space and care needed to accommodate this loss.

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Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler

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