Piadas em inglês

Question 1

Do I really look that old?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?!”

Well, my name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This bald, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1963. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald-headed, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, decrepit old man asked…

“What did you teach?”

Answer 1

• do I really look that old? > eu pareço tão velho assim?
• have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age > você já se pegou olhando para outras pessoas da sua idade
• waiting room > sala de espera
• bore his full name > trazia seu nome completo
• suddenly > de repente
• handsome > bonito
• dark-haired boy > garoto de cabelos pretos
• high school class > classe do colégio
• some 40-0dd years ago > cerca de 40 anos atrás
• the same guy that I had a secret crush on > o mesmo cara por quem eu era secretamente apaixonada
• way back then > muito tempo atrás
• upon seeing him > ao vê-lo
• quickly discarded any such thought > rapidamente descartei aquele pensamento
• bald > careca
• gray-haired > de cabelos grisalhos
• deeply lined face > rosto todo enrugado
• way too old > velho demais
• classmate > colega de classe
• had attended > havia frequentado
• I’m a Mustang > eu era do time dos Mustang
• gleamed with pride > gabou-se com orgulho
• when did you graduate? > quando você se formou?
• looked at me closely > olhou bem para mim

Question 2

The school answering machine

This is hilarious. No wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to al the options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
• To complain about what we do – Press 3
• To swear at staff members – Press 4
• To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
• If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
• To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
• To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
• To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teacher’s fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Answer 2

Glossary

• answering machine > secretária eletrônica
• no wonder > não é de se estranhar
• staff > funcionários
• voted unanimously > votaram em peso; foram unânimes
• record > gravar
• the actual answering machine message > a mensagem real gravada na secretária eletrônica
• this came about > a ideia surgiu
• implemented a policy > implementaram uma política
• requiring > solicitando
• missing homework > lição de casa não entregue
• are being sued by parents > estão sendo processados pelos pais
• failing grades changed to passing grades > notas vermelhas alteradas para notas azuis
• even though > mesmo que; embora; muito embora
• to pass their classes > para passar de ano
• outgoing message > mensagem gravada
• you have reached > você ligou para
• in order to assist you > a fim de auxiliá-lo
• make excuses > inventar desculpas
• swear at staff members > xingar os funcionários
• flyers > panfletos
• raise your child > criar seu filho
• reach out and touch, slap or hit someone > contactar alguém ou dar um tabefe ou bater em alguém
• request another teacher > solicitar a troca de professor
• if you realize this is the real world > se você perceber que este é o mundo real
• lack of effort > falta de esforço
• hang up and have a nice day > desligue o telefone e tenha um bom dia