Lecture 22: Repairing, Maintaining, and Growing Relationships Flashcards
mechanisms for repair, maintenance, and growth
- seeing partner as part of yourself
- positive illusion & perceived superiority
- inattention and derogation of attractive alternatives
- willngness to sacrifice
- gratitude
- accomodation
- communal strength
- approach motivation
- self-disclosure
- responsiveness
- forgiveness
- play/self-expanding activities
- provision of safe haven & secure base support
- therapy
forgiveness
- Transformation to motivation to think, feel, and behave negatively after suffering a transgression
- Two components: decrease in negativity and increase in benevolence (goodwill toward the transgressor)
- Not the same thing as accepting, excusing, or condoning the offence
- Beliefs that these are requisite factors are barriers to forgiveness
forgiveness vs. reconciliation
Forgiveness makes reconciliation more likely but does not require reconciliation
victim-related predictive factors for forgiveness
- Empathy: perspective-taking, shift from dispositional to situational attributions
- Attachment security: less likely to ruminate about transgression
- Neuroticism (-): stronger negative emotional reactions to transgressions
- Agreeableness: trust, desire for harmony, compassion
- Self-control: allows the inhibition of rumination and desctructive responses, shift focus to long-term relationship goals
relationship-related predictive factors for forgiveness
Commitment, closeness, and satisfaction: greater value placed on relationship, the transformation of motivation (from acting based on self-interest to acting based on preferences for joint outcomes) that comes with greater interdependence
transgressor-related predictive factors for forgiveness
- Expressions of remorse, authentic apologies, making amends: increase empathy towards trasnsgressor, signal that one is unlikely to transgress again
- Costly apologies may further lower perceived risk of future transgressions
transgression-related predictive factors for forgiveness
- Perceived severity: subjective perceptions of harm
- Perceived responsibility: important in determining future risk
- Perceived intent: harder to forgive transgressions perceived as intentional
forgiveness and relational well-being
- Boots to relational well-being
- Greater conflict resolution as perceived by both parties
- Unresolved transgression may spill over into future conflicts
- Decreased likelihood of future transgressions (if victims & transgressors agree on the severity of the offence)
- Caveat: forgiveness positively associated with psychological & physical aggression in longitudinal research
- Greater commitment & relationship satisfaction
forgiveness and personal well-being
- Boots to personal well-being
- Decreases in stress systems activation (ex. Lower blood pressure, stress hormone levels, subjective stress, anxiety, and depression)
- Forgiveness is conceptualized as an emotional coping strategy that removes the emotional burden caused by transgressions
types of love over time
- Intimacy and commitment increase over time in a relationship
- Passion & sexual desire typically fade within the first 2 years of a relationship
consequences of decreasing passion
- Lower desire is linked to less relationship satisfaction, thoughts about leaving the relationship, and higher rates of infidelity
- One of the leading reasons why couples seeking counselling
- Almost half of divorces arise from low-conflict, relatively happy marriages
- Marital boredom is one of the leading causes for seeking divorce
- Divorces in low-conflict marriages are especially likely to negatively affect the well-being of partners and their children
- Passionate love predicts personal well-being & life satisfaction
why is passion hard to sustain?
Passion tends to be aroused by novelty & risk, while attachmetn & commitment tend to be reinforce most by feelings of familiarity & security
passion early on in a relationship
- Partner is a mystery, constant surprises, sense of uncertainty
- Lack of knowledge leaves room for fantasy
- Rapid self-expansion & growth of intimacy
passion in long-term relationships
- Declines in effort
- Sense of novelty & uncertainty has faded
Self-expansion has stalled - Hedonic adaption: habituation to new circumstances
- Feelings of passion are driven by subjective perceptions of increasing intimacy
- Shift from passionate eto ocmpanionate love may be interpreted as unhappiness
are we doomed to lose passion?
- Despite the average trends, declines in sexual desire are not inevitable or universal
- ⅓ people report that passion in their relation has stayed constant over time
- Among older adults (ages 65-80), 74% describe their sex life as satisfying
- Age-related declines in sexual desire are significantly smaller for people in better relationships
- Partner responsiveness increases desire
maintaining passion
To maintain satisfaction and passion, we need to engage in self-expanding activities
self-expansion in daily life study
- Couples (average relationship duration = 5 years) filled out a daily diary for 28 days
- Rated their relationship satisfaction, sexual acitivity, and sexual desire
- Measures of self-expansion
- More self-expansion predicted:
1. Higher sexual desire
2. 36% more likely to have sex
3. More satisfied with their relationship - Similar results were obtained in experimental studies
sharing self-expanding activities field study
- Married couples were assigned to participate in exciting, pleasant, or no additional activities for 1.5 hours/ week for 10 weeks
- Greater increase in relationship satisfaction in the exicting activity group relative to the other two groups
- The pleasant condition was not different from the control condition
sharing self-expanding activities lab study
- 1 of 2 activities:
1. Mundane but pleasant
2. Novel & challenging - Greater increase in satisfaction & love in the novel condition
how do self-expansion activities work?
- It’s not about the pleasantness of activities
- It could be due to the misattribution of arousal . But, physiological arousal isn’t enough alone to produce self-expansion. Self-expanding activities do not need to be physically arousing
- The key is having novel & challenging experiences
misattribution of arousal & self-expansion study
- A lab study attempted to separate novelty/challenge from arousal
- Novel & challenging activity: bouncing an unevenly weighted ball back and forth with a partner while hitting a specific target and moving along the floor
- Key control condition: running back & forth while wearing ankle weights
- Only the novel condition predicted an increase in relationship satisfaction; there is not effect of arousal
benefits of self-expansion
- Self-expansion promotes closeness & intimacy, which in turn promotes romantic passion
- While closeness to partner is important, may also benefit from a sense of otherness (sense of separateness from the other)
- Novel activities allow us to discover something new or surprising about the partner, value unique contributions they make to the relationship
- Both increased closeness & otherness mediate the relationship between self-expansion and higher desire
personal vs. relational self-expansion
Personal self-expansion experiences don’t directly involve one’s partner
personal self-expansion daily-diary studies
- Within-person increases in daily personal self-expansion is associated with greater passion
- Mediated by positive emotions
- High between-person levels of self-expansion associated with lower levels of passion
- Mediated by decreased intimacy
personal self-expansion as a double-edged sword
- Personal self-expansion may be a double-edged sword
- Associated with better personal well-being and increased sense of competence
- Short-term increases in self-expansion promote romantic passion, but sustained increases may lead to reductions in intimacy & romantic passion
benefits of social support
- A large number of studies show that perceived social support buffers against the harmful effects of stress & is associated with greater feelings of love, closeness, and better relationship quality
- Emotional support is particularly beneficial
drawbacks of social support
- Some studies show a null or even negative effects of social support on adjustment
- May signal that the recipient can’t cope with the stressor (damaging to self-worth)
- May be perceived as intrusive (interferes with personal autonomy)
invisible support
a support that goes unnoticed by the recipient but nevertheless exerts positive effects on the recipient
invisible support daily diary study
- Daily diary study of couples where one partner was preparing for the Bar exam
- Partners: reported daily provisions of emotional support
- Examinees: reported daily receipt of emotional support & emotional distress
- Results: repots of support provision is associated withe examinees’ decrease in depression while reports of support receipt are associated with increases
- Most beneficial condition when support was provided, but not noticed by the recipient
relational benefits of support
Invisible practical support increases next-day relationship benefits
relational costs of support
- If invisible support is not coded as support, may not perceived partner as being responsive
- Negative effects on the partner
responsiveness and social support
- Effectiveness of both visible and invisible social support depends on the level of responsiveness
- Support works best when it makes the partner feel understood, validated, and cared for
- When partners feel that their relatedness needs are being met, both attachment anxiety and avoidance decrease over time
capitalization
deriving additional benefit from positive events by sharing them with others
capitalization daily diary studies
In daily diary studies, sharing news of a positive event with others leads to a boost in positive affect
support for positive disclosures
- Ability to derive personal & relationship benefits from capitalization depends on perceptions of partner’s responsivenes
- Responses can be categorized as active vs. passive and constructive vs. destructive
support for positive disclosures & relationship satisfaction
- Perceptions of active-constructive responses are positively associated with relationship well-being; passive-constructive and both types of destructive responses are negatively associated with relationship well-being
- Active-constructive responses covey repsonsiveness & signal closeness
why is postive disclosure important?
- Experience more positive than negative events
- Fewer risks in positive disclosures (may be a way of safely testing partner’s responsiveness before trusting them with negative disclosures)
secure base
support for a relationship partner’s autonomous exploration
Three key components of a secure base
- Being available in case based is needed
- Not interfering with exploration
- Being encouraging & accepting of exploration
benefits of a secure base
Secure base support provision is associated with more willingness to explore, greater persistence, boosts in self-esteem, more willingness to accept help from partner, more positive affect toward partner, greater relationship satisfaction, and decreases in attachment insecurity
Michelangelo phenomenon
By affirming and supporting our aspirations, our partners can help us reach our ideal selves
