Chapter 11: Conflict Flashcards
conflict in close relationships
Conflict is inevitable in close relationships
interdependency and conflict
The more interdependent a couple is, the more likely occasional conflict becomes
conflict management
The way partners manage their conflict can either enhance or erode the relationship
conflict
occurs when one’s wishes or actions obstruct or impede those of someone else
why is conflict inescapable in close relationships?
- The moods and preferences of any two people occasionally differ
- There are certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will inevitably cause some strain
Dialectics
opposing motivations that can never be entirely satisfied because they contradict each other
common dialectics in close relationships
- Autonomy vs. connection
- Openness vs. closedness
- Stability vs. change
- Integration vs. separation from one’s social network
the frequency of conflict
- Partners engage in conflict frequently
- Many conflicts are never addressed
personality and the frequency of conflict
people who are high in negative emotionality have more negative disagreements. Those high in agreeableness have fewer conflicts, and if it does occur, they react more constructively
attachment style and the frequency of conflict
secure people encounter less conflict and manage it better than insecure people
stage of life and the frequency of conflict
conflict with romantic partners increases steadily from our late teens to our mid-20s, but things settle down somewhat thereafter. In old age, couples have fewer disagreements than middle-aged couples and manage conflict better
similarity and the frequency of conflict
the less similar dating partners are, the more conflict they experience
stress and the frequency of conflict
the greater combined stress two partners have experienced during the day, the more likely they are to encounter conflict that evening
sleep and the frequency of conflict
whenever one partner has sleept poorly, romantic couples encounter more conflict that day
alcohol and the frequency of conflict
intoxication exacerbates conflict
four common categories of conflict
- criticism
- illegitimate demands
- rebuffs
- cumulative annoyances
criticism
involves verbal or nonverbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with a partner’s behaviour, attitude, or trait
illegitimate demands
involve requests that seem unjust because they exceed the normal expectations that the partners hold for each other
rebuffs
involve situations in which one person appeals to another for a desired reaction and the other person fails to respond as expected
cumulative annoyances
relatively trivial events that become annoying with repetition
evolutionary perspective on conflict
some conflict in heterosexual relationships flows naturally from differences in the partners’ reproductive interests (ex. Men’s higher sex drives)
sexuality and conflict
LGB couples disagree over similar topics to heterosexual couples
what are some common issues that produce martial conflict?
- children
- chores
- communication
- leisure
- work
- money
two ways partners attributions can create conflict
- Frustrating misunderstandings can result if people fail to appreciate that their partners have their own individual points of view
- Attributional conflict: fighting over whose explanation is right and whose is wrong
attributions and conflicts
- If a partner’s misbehaviour is attributed to external and unstable causes, the partner will seem relatively blameless
- If a partner’s misbehaviour is attributed to internal and stable causes, the partner seems malicious, selfish, or indecent
changing unwanted behaviours and conflict
- When we judge that our partners can change an unwanted behaviour, we’re more likely to voice our discontent
- When we judge that our partners can’t change, we just sit and stew
best ways to manage anger
- Expressing anger while you feel angry almost always makes you feel angrier
- We should think differently about the situation by considering why our partner may have behaved the way they did
- Chill out
- Find humour where you can
- Destructive anger can be overcome
engagement and escalation
Once an instigating event occurs, partners must decide to address it, avoid it, or let it go
avoidance
- Occurs only when both partners wish to evade the issue and presumably transpires either when the event is seen as insufficient to warrant active dispute or when it seems intractable
- If not, the issue is addressed
negotiation
seeking to resolve the conflict through rational problem-solving
escalation
involves dysfunctional forms of communication
types of mean tactics
direct & indirect
direct mean tactics
explicitly challenging one’s partner
examples of direct mean tactics
- Accusations that criticize the partner and attribute negative qualities to them
- Hostile commands for compliance that sometimes involve the threats of physical or emotional harm
- Antagonistic questions
- Surly or sarcastic put-downs
indirect mean tactics
managing conflict in a less straightforward manner
examples of indirect mean tactics
- Condescension or implied negativity
- Dysphoric affect
- Attempts to change topics preemptively
- Evasive remarks that fail to acknowledge the partner or fail to recognize the conflict
Cantankerous conflict
involves the abrasive elements of contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, or belligerence
hositle interactions and health
Hostile interactions can have negative physical impacts (ex. Increasing heart rate, blood pressure, stress hormones, and depressing immune system functioning)
negative affect reciprocity
occurs when partners trade escalating provocations back and forth
emotional flooding
occurs when people become overwhelmed by high arousal and strong emotion and are unable to think straight
attachment style and physiological responses to conflict
People with secure attachment styles and those who have a securely attached partner experience milder physiological responses to conflict than insecure people do
Demand/withdraw pattern
- One partner engages in demanding forms of behaviour, such as complaints, criticisms, and pressures for change, while the other engages in withdrawing forms of behaviour
- Can be self-perpetuating
gender differences in response to conflict
- Men and women do not differ much in their responses to conflict
- Women are more likely to be demanders and men the withdrawers
two reasons for women being more likely to be demanders and men withdrawers
gender differences & social structure hypothesis
Gender differences hypothesis
This may emerge from women’s communal and expressive tendencies and men’s autonomous tendencies
Social structure hypothesis
argues that the demand/withdraw pattern results from pervasive differences in the power of men and women in society and marriage
demand-withdraw pattern contemporary research
To some degree, the demand-withdraw pattern depends on who’s pressing the issue
types of negotiation tactics
Negotiation tactics can be direct or indirect
Advice for successful negotiation with a loved one
- Be attentive
- Be optimistic
- Value your partner’s outcomes as well as your own
- Consider what you can do differently to improve things
- Adopt a future orientation
- Take a third party perspective
- Take a break if the discussion grows sour and snippy
Four categories of responses to conflict and dissatisfaction
voice, loyalty, neglect and exit
voice
behaving in an active, constructive manner by trying to improve the situation by discussing matters with the partner, changing one’s behaviour in an effort to improve the problem, or obtaining advice from a third party
loyalty
behaving in a passive but constructive manner by optimistically waiting and hoping for conditions to improve
neglect
behaving in a passive but destructive manner by avoiding discussion of critical issues and reducing interdependence with the partner
exit
behaving in an actively destructive manner by leaving the partner, threatening to end the relationship, or engaging in abusive acts such as yelling or hitting
relationships satisfaction and method of conflict resolution
If a relationship has been satisfying and their investments are high, people are more likely to employ the constructive responses of voice and loyalty than to neglect the relationship or exit from it
method of conflict resolution and dissolution
When both partners choose destructive responses, a relationship is at risk
four types of couples when deadling with conflict
- volatiles
- validators
- avoiders
- hostiles
volatiles
- Have frequent and passionate arguments. They plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other, and they often display high levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with an evident fondness for each other
- Maintain the 5:1 ratio of nice behaviour to nasty conduct
validators
- Fight more politely. They tend to be calmer than volatile couples and behave like collaborators. Their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy and understanding
- Maintain the 5:1 ratio of nice behaviour to nasty conduct
avoiders
- Avoid confrontation, and when conflict arises, they’re unlikely to discuss it
- Maintain the 5:1 ratio of nice behaviour to nasty conduct
hostiles
- Couples whose discussions are sprinkled with too much criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal
- Do not maintain the 5:1 ratio of nice behaviour to nasty conduct
relationship satisfaction and couple type
- Couples with at least member who fights with a hostile style are less satisfied and have more problems than anyone else
- Validators have the highest satisfaction
most common couple type
- The most common style is for both spouses to have validating styles
5 ways to end conflict (from most to least destructive)
- separation
- domination
- compromise
- integrative agreements
- structural improvement
separation
when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict
domination
one partner gets their way while the other capitulates
compromise
when both parties reduce their aspirations or gradually change their goals so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found
integrative agreements
satisfy both partner’s original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility
structural improvement
the partners not only get what they want, but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship
can fighting be good for a relationship?
- Conflict is an essential tool with which to promote intimacy
- The more unexpressed nuisances and irritants that partners have, the less satisfied with their relationships they tend to be
- Romantic partners are happier when they address their problems readily and openly
- Conflict can defuse situations that would otherwise fester and cause bigger problems later on
conflict management style over time
Once you and your partner develop a style for managing conflict, it tends to last
Ways to improve your conflict management style
- Don’t withdraw when your partner raises a concern or complaint
- Don’t go negative
- Don’t get caught in the loop of negative affect reciprocity
The speaker-listener technique
provides a structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that promotes the use of active listening skills and increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement
rules for both partners in the speaker-listener technique
- the speaker has the floor
- share the floor
- no problem-solving
rules for the speaker in the speaker-listener technique
- speak for yourself
- stop and let the listener paraphrase
rules for the listener in the speaker-listener technique
- paraphrase what you hear
- focus on to the speaker’s message
