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PSYC 474 > Lecture 17: Conflict > Flashcards

Lecture 17: Conflict Flashcards

1
Q

conflict

A

arises when one individual’s pursuit of their goals interferes with the other person’s goals

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2
Q

conflict in interdependent relationships

A
  • Inevitable in interdependent relationships, where our outcomes are affected by the actions of the other person
  • Any two individuals will occasionally differ in their motives, beliefs, and opinions, and these incompatibilities (whether they are occasional or chronic) create conflict
  • Runs the gamut from minor things (ex. which movie to watch) to major life decisions (e.g., whether to have children & how to raise them)
  • Even in generally compatible couples, incompatibilities will occasionally arise
  • Competing motives are constantly in flux (ex. autonomy vs. connection)
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3
Q

what do couples disagree on?

A
  • Basically everything
  • Most common: children, chores, and communication
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4
Q

instigating events for conflict

A

Sources of conflict are diverse, but instigating events can be grouped into four general categories:
1. criticism
2. illegitimate demands
3. rebuffs
4. cumulative annoyances

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5
Q

criticism

A

verbal or nonverbal acts that communicate unfair dissatisfaction with a partner

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6
Q

illegitimate demands

A

requests that are excessive and seem unjust

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7
Q

rebuffs

A

occurs when one is denied a desired reaction

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8
Q

cumulative annoyances

A

relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition (social allergies)

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9
Q

are conflicts inevitable?

A
  • Conflicts are inevitable
  • But, they do not have to be destructive
  • How we disagree during conflict is more important than whether we disagree or what we disagree about
  • We can exercise control over our actions (even if it’s hard)
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10
Q

4 types of couples

A
  1. valdating
  2. volatile
  3. conflict avoiding
  4. hostile
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11
Q

validating couples

A

compromise often & work out problems to mutual satisfaction

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12
Q

volatile couples

A

frequent, passionate conflict, tempered by positive affect (humour, displays of fondness)

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13
Q

conflict avoiding couples

A

agree to disagree, avoid conflict head-on

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14
Q

hostile couples

A

least stable pairing, characterized by high levels of hostility

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15
Q

2 subtypes of hostile couples

A
  • engaged subtype
  • detached subtype
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16
Q

engaged subtype

A
  • Attempt to address disagreements, but do so badly
  • Argue often & intensely, often with insults, name-calling, put-downs
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17
Q

detached subtype

A

let disagreements fester, are emotionally detached (although with occasional bouts of sniping)

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18
Q

relationship satisfaction in 4 types of couples

A
  • Couples, where at least one member is validating, tend to be happier
  • Types 1-3 can be stable, but will only work to the extent that they help maintain the golden 5:1 ratio between positive and negative interactions
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19
Q

the four horsemen of the apocalypse

A
  • Exchanges of unhappy couples are characterized by more negative affect & less positive affect
  • 10 times more likely to use a negative tone of voice
  • Expressions of negative emotions are not necessarily bad for relationships: it can actually increase closeness
  • But 4 hostile dynamics do not bode well for relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling
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20
Q

criticism

A
  • attacking personally or character
  • More likely to put their partner on the defensive
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21
Q

complaint

A

airing out disagreements by focusing on a specific behaviour

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22
Q

shifting from complaining to criticism

A
  • A shift from complaining to criticism commonly arises if complaints are not addressed (due to poor communication and/or unwillingness to address the complaint)
  • Unlike complaints, criticisms tend to be generalizations
  • You always, you never
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23
Q

kitchen-sinking

A
  • ”Bundling” complaints
  • Similar effect to criticism of a partner’s personality because it seems so overwhelming & pervasive
  • Results in conversation drifting off-beam
24
Q

off-beam

A

wandering from topic to topic without resolving anything

25
Q

contempt

A
  • Most destructive of all the horsemen
  • Criticism coupled with scorn & disgust, a sense of superiority
  • Intention to insult and psychologically abuse partner
  • Includes insults & name-calling, hostile humour, mocking, nonverbal cues of disgust
  • Underlying feelings of disgust and negatively toward the partner
  • See them as stupid, disgusting, incompetent, and foolish
  • Loss of admiration for the partner
26
Q

defensivenessness involves protecting against the attack by:

A
  • Denying responsibility
  • Making excuses
  • Cross-complaining
  • Yes-butting
  • Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other is saying
  • Playing the victim
27
Q

cross-complaining

A

responding to a complaint with another complaint

28
Q

yes-butting

A

start off by agreeing with your partner, but end up disagreeing by finding something unworkable with what they’re saying or justifying your actions

29
Q

defensiveness

A
  • An understandable reaction when feeling beleaguered
  • But it obstructs communication and tends to escalate rather than de-escalate conflict
  • Engenders feelings of tension and prevents partners from hearing & understanding each other
30
Q

stonewalling

A
  • Withdrawing from and disengaging from meaningful conversation with the partner
  • Removing oneself from the conversation, not responding, offering monosyllabic responses, ignoring the partner
  • Provocative & destructive: conveys disapproval, creates distance, and precludes resolution
31
Q

flooding

A
  • A sense of being overwhelmed by negative emotion and strong physiological arousal
  • Impedes constructive discussion; leads to hostility, defensiveness, and withdrawal
  • With chronic flooding: hypervigilance for signs of attack, immersion in distress-maintaining thoughts
  • Statements like “We need to talk” can immediately put the partner on the defensive
32
Q

Demand/withdraw patterns

A

destructive pattern of conflict where one person presses the issue, while the other withdraws & avoids discussing the issue

33
Q

cyclical pattern of the demand/withdraw patterns

A
  • The more the demander pushes, the more the withdrawer retreats
  • Because arguments are left unsettled, leads to serial arguing
  • Linked to personal and relationship distress
34
Q

gender differences in the demand/withdraw pattern

A
  • Men are more likely to be withdrawers/stonewallers, and women are more likely to be demanders
  • This pattern is seen cross-culturally
35
Q

3 possible explanations for the demand/withdraw pattern

A
  1. biological perspective
  2. differences in socialization
  3. differences in power
36
Q

biological perspective

A
  • Men experience stronger & longer-lasting physiological stress responses during conflict and are more prone to flooding
  • More reactive to conflict
37
Q

differences in socialization

A
  • Boys are socialized to hide & suppress emotions, focus on pursuing autonomous goals
  • Girls are socialized to express feelings, focus on relationships, foster intimacy/closeness, and receive more support when expressing emotions
38
Q

differences in power

A
  • The person who wants change is in a lower-power position and must rely on the other person to create change
  • The person who benefits from the status quo will be resistant to change because they hold the power in the situation
  • Women tend to desire more change in the relationship than men, which puts them in a lower-power role in heterosexual relationships
39
Q

Comparison of heterosexual, gay, and lesbian couples for the demand/withdraw pattern

A
  • If there is something essential about men vs. women, we would not expect to see the demand-withdraw asymmetry in gay & lesbian couples
  • Some have found no difference in overall levels of demand/withdraw behaviour or asymmetry between couple types
  • Others have found that women demand more and men withdraw more regardless of couple time
  • Regardless of gender, the person who wants change (low power) demands, and the more powerful person (the one invested in the status quo) withdraws
40
Q

cycle of negativity in close relationships

A
  • The first three minutes of a conversation set the tone
  • Can be used to predict subsequent divorce with 96% accuracy
  • Unhappy, risky couples are more likely to reciprocate negativity
  • Meet negative behaviours with defensiveness, stonewalling
41
Q

harsh startup

A

leading discussion with contempt or criticism

42
Q

negative affect reciprocity

A

negative emotions are met with negative emotions

43
Q

accomodation

A
  • Even happy couples sometimes engage in negative behaviour, but we are better able to keep negativity from spiralling out of control
  • Willingness to respond to destructive acts with constructive responses
  • Characteristic of committed couples
  • Breaks the cycle of negativity
  • Often begins with the way we think about our partner’s behaviour
44
Q

the role of cognition in conflict

A
  • The way we behave during a disagreement is important
  • But so are our perceptions of partners’ behaviours
45
Q

attributional conflict

A
  • We agree on what happened but not why it happened
  • Fuelled by actor-observed differences and self-serving biases
46
Q

mindreading

A
  • One’s tendency to assume that they understand their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions without asking
  • Unhappy partners tend to read unpleasant or hostile motives into neutral or positive ones
  • Attributions of harmful intent are particularly detrimental
47
Q

cognitive editing

A
  • Responding only to constructive portions of the partner’s comment and ignoring the negative
  • Prevents escalation & helps re-focus on the issue at hand
48
Q

breaking the cycle of negativity

A
  • There are several broad patterns of behaviour that can disrupt the cycle of negativity and facilitate more constructive discussion:
    1. Calm down
    2. Listen and speak constructively and nondefensively
    3. Validate your partner
    4. Challenge your mindset
49
Q

taking a break

A
  • Calming down is essential (helps prevent flooding, defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence)
  • Learn to recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed & take a time out
  • Let your partner know that you are not shutting them out
  • DON’T spend time out rehearsing vengeful or distress-maintaining thoughts
  • DO try to reframe thoughts more positively
  • Ex. “they’re super upset right now, but this isn’t a personal attack”, “I’m upset now but we have a good relationship and I love them”
50
Q

speaking more constructively

A
  • Criticisms (personal attacks on a partner’s character) & contempt trigger defensiveness
  • Behaviour descriptions
  • Avoid words like “always” and “never”
  • I-statements: description of your feelings
  • XYZ statements: combine behaviour descriptions and I-statements
    “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z”
  • Avoid domineering (e.g., “When I want your opinion, I will let you know) and belligerent speech (e.g., “What do you want now?”)
51
Q

behaviour descriptions

A

voice complaints by focusing on discrete, manageable behaviours

52
Q

active listening

A
  • Listen in order to understand what your partner is saying (not in order to criticize your partner)
  • Don’t mindread—instead:
    paraphrase their message to make sure you understood them correctly and practice perception checking to make sure you are inferring your partner’s feelings correctly
  • Even simple backchannel communications like nodding, “yeah”, ”uh-huh”, and “I see” can communicate that you are trying to understand your partner
  • Avoid displaying negative nonverbal behaviour while you’re listening
53
Q

validation

A
  • Try to understand & empathize with the feelings behind your partner’s communications
  • Understanding the other’s point of view & taking it seriously does not mean you must agree
  • But such validation communicates respect & care for your partner, which de-escalates the situation & promotes an open, constructive dialogue
54
Q

techniques for validation

A
  • Put yourself in your partner’s shoes or try taking a third-party perspective
  • Take responsibility for your actions
  • Avoid yes-butting when acknowledging your partner’s point of view
55
Q

challenge your mindset

A
  • Instead of rehearsing thoughts related to victimhood & righteous indignation, examine how you contribute to the negative dynamics in your relationship
  • Ex. in the demand-withdraw pattern: as the demander, your criticisms and attempts to control your partner are threatening them & pushing them away. As the withdrawer, your stonewalling & turning away from the partner thwarts their needs & leads them to escalate their demands
  • Remember what you like about your partner
  • Push back against the tendency to rewrite history (memory bias)
  • Communicate positive regard & admiration for your partner
  • Instead of seeing argument as a way to retaliate or exert control over your partner, think of a way you can improve both your outcomes
  • Try to foster a sense of optimism about the problem
56
Q

importance of self-control

A
  • Successful conflict management requires self-control
  • Factors that weaken our inhibitions or strain our cognitive resources (ex. alcohol, stress, lack of sleep) increase irritability, decrease perspective-taking, and make a destructive response more likely
  • John Gottman recommends scheduling a time to politely air out grievances
  • Addressing issues pre-emptively when we are feeling calm may help avoid the disastrous combo of provocation + low self-control

PSYC 474 (36 decks)

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