Chapter 10: Stresses and Strains Flashcards
relational value (RV)
the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable and important
high RV
others value our company and prioritize their partnerships with us
low RV
others do not seek us out or choose us for their teams and they’re not much interested in who we are and what we have to say
degrees of acceptance and rejection
maximal inclusion -> active inclusion -> passive inclusion -> ambivalence -> passive exclusion -> active exclusion -> maximal exclusion
maximal inclusion
others seek us out and go out of their way to interact with us
active inclusion
others want us and welcome us but do not go to lengths to be with us
passive inclusion
others allow us to be included
ambivalence
others do not care whether we are included or not
passive exclusion
others ignore us but do not avoid us
active exclusion
others avoid us, tolerating our presence only when necessary
maximal exclusion
others banish us, sending us away, or abandon us
Exclusion is more painful when
- It suggests that we’re inept, insufficient, or inadequate
- You want to be accepted by others
- Others don’t like us as much as we want them to
objective vs. peceived relational value
There is only a rough connection between the objective reactions we receive from others and our feelings of acceptance or rejection that result
perceived relational value
the apparent importance that others attach to their relationships with us
degrees of exclusion and self-esteem
Once we find that others don’t want us around, it hardly matters whether they dislike us a lot or a little
degrees of inclusion and self-esteem
Being adored doesn’t improve our self-esteem beyond the boost we get from being well-liked
Evolutionary perspective of degrees of inclusion and self-esteem
carefully discerning degrees of acceptance that might allow access to resources and mates is more useful than monitoring the enmity of one’s enemies
when are decreases in acceptance particularly harmful?
Decreases in the acceptance we receive from others maybe even worse, particularly when they occur in the range between ambivalence and active inclusion
approval ratings and self-esteem study
had young adults talk about themselves to another person over an intercom system. They received approval ratings that were supposedly from their conversation partner (actually from the researchers). Researchers found that those whose evaluations got worse had more significant drops in self-esteem than those who were consistently disliked
relational devaluation
drops in our perceived relational value
hurt
a particular sensation uniquely associated with the losses of relational value
hurt vs. pain
- Hurt feelings have neural correlates with physical pain
- Acetaminophen and marijuana reduce the pain of social rejection
attachment style and hurt feelings
- People high in abandonment about anxiety hurt more in response to drops in perceived relational value than those with lower anxiety do
- People high in avoidance hurt less in response to drops in perceived relational value
self-esteem and hurt feelings
People with low self-esteem get their feelings hurt more easily than those with higher self-esteem
ostracism
people are given the cold shoulder and ignored by those around them
reasons for ostracism
- Punishing one’s partner
- Avoiding confrontation
- Cooling down following a conflict
effect of ostracism
- Ostracism leaves its targets wondering why they are being ignored
- Targets of ostracism typically believe it has damaged their relationship
- Ostracizers consider their behaviour beneficial in achieving their goals
- Ostracism threatens our need to belong, damages our feelings of self-worth, and reduces our perceived control over our interactions
what happens when we are ostracized?
- Time seems to pass poorly slowly
- Our body shows signs of stress
- We feel colder
how do the effects of ostracism differ based on the motive that is thwarted?
- When belongingness is threatened, people who are being ostracized may work hard to regain their partner’s regard or look for new partners
- When control or self-worth are threatened, people get angry and dismiss the opinions of those who are ignoring them, especially those who are high in avoidance of intimacy
ball toss procedure
involves playing catch with two confederates who eventually stop passing the ball to the participant and completely ignore them
ball toss procedure findings
Results in feelings of hurt, even when conducted online
ostracism & unliked groups
Ostracism even hurts when it is dispensed by groups we despise
self-esteem and ostracism
People with high self-esteem are unlikely to put up with ostracism by ending their relationship with their ostracizers
jealousy
hurt, anger, and fear that result from the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival
roots of the feelings of jealousy
- Hurt stems from the perception that our partners don’t value us enough to honour their commitments to our relationships
- Fear and anxiety result from the dreadful prospect of abandonment and loss
two types of jealousy
reactive & suspicious jealousy
reactive jealousy
occurs when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship (need not be a current event)
suspicious jealousy
- occurs when one’s partner hasn’t misbehaved and one’s suspicions don’t fit the facts at hand
- Results in worried and mistrustful vigilance
- Unfounded because a more secure partner would not be troubled
jealousy and gender
Men and women do not differ in their jealous tendencies
jealousy and dependence
People with a low CLalt & high dependency are more likely to get jealous
jealousy and inadequacy
- Jealousy increases with feelings of inadequacy in a relationship
- This can be due to a discrepancy in mate value
attachment style and jealousy
- Preoccupied people experience more jealousy
- Dismissing people are least affected by jealousy
personality and jealousy
- People high in negative emotionality and those who tend to worry about a lot of things tend to experience more jealousy
- Those who are agreeable, cooperative, and trusting are less likely to become jealous
- The partners of people high in dark triad traits are more likely to experience jealousy
when is jealousy particularly upsetting?
- Rivalry from a friend is more upsetting than from a stranger
- Jealousy is especially pronounced when our partners start expressing renewed interest in their former lovers
- Romantic rivals who have high mate value arouse more jealousy
perceptions of romantic rivals
- We perceive our rivals as more attractive than they really are
- Our rivals are not usually as attractive to our partners as we think they are
social media and jealousy
Social media can be harmful for those who are prone to suspicious jealousy
evolutionary perspective of jealousy
- Jealousy evolved to motivate behaviour design to protect our close relationships from the interference of others
- This might explain why men experience more jealousy at the thought of sexual infidelity and women experience more jealousy at the thought of emotional infidelity
- However, this may be because we assume that sex and love are more closely connected for women than for men
gender differences in jealousy for LGB couples
These gender differences disappear when the cheating carries no risk of conceiving a child (ex. For lesbian, gay, and bisexual couples)
gender differences in jealousy in CNM couples
Those who practice consensual non-monogamy judge emotional infidelity and sexual infidelity to be equally worrisome
people respond to jealousy by:
- Lashing out in harmful ways
- Trying to make them jealous in return
- Spying on their partners
- Restricting their partner’s freedom
- Derogating their rivals
- Expressing their concerns and trying to work on the relationship
- Making themselves more desirable
attachment style and responses to jealousy
- People who are relatively comfortable with closeness are more likely to express their concerns and try to repair the relationship
- People who are dismissing or fearful are more likely to avoid the issue or deny their distress
gender and responses to jealousy
- Women tend to seek to improve their relationship
- Men tend to protect their egos by pursuing others
mate poaching
behaviour that is intended to lure someone away from an existing relationship at least for one night
what kinds poachers usually succeed?
those who are already our friends
traits of poachers
Mate poachers tend to be horny, extraverted, low in agreeableness and conscientiousness, callous, manipulative, and disinterested in trusting intimacy with others
attractiveness of poachers
The more attractive a poacher is, the more successful their poaching attempts tend to be
traits of those who succum to poaching
Those who succumb to poaching attempts tend to be manipulative, avoidant, and dishonest
gender differences in poaching
When trying to poach, women advertise their good looks and sexual availability, whereas men publicize their power and willingness to provide their lovers with desirable resources
relationships that results from poaching
Relationships that result from poaching are not as satisfying or committed as when poaching does not occur
coping constructively with jealousy
- We should work on reducing the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and our sense of self-worth
- We should strive to maintain a sense of self-confidence about our abilities to act and survive independently
deception
- Intentional behaviour that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue
- Ex. lying, concealing information, diverting attention, half-truths
common types of lies
- Most lies are self-serving, benefitting the liar and warding off embarrassment, guilt, or obligation, or seeking approval or material gain
- ⅕ of lies are told to benefit others, including protecting their feelings or advancing their interests
public perception of decepetion
Lies undertaken to promote polite, friendly interaction with others seem less deceptive and more acceptable to most of us than consequential lies
when do we deceive most often?
in our intimate relationships
psychological impact of lying
- People consider interactions in which they tell a lie for any reason to be less pleasant and intimate than interactions in which they are honest
- Lying to a close partner makes people particularly uncomfortable
- Dishonestly weighs on relationships even when it’s not detected by one’s partner
deceiver’s distrust
when people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest and trustworthy
reasons for deceiver’s distrust
- Liars assume that others are like them
- They feel better about themselves when they believe their faults are shared by others
liar’s perceptions of their lies
Liars are more likely to think of their lies as harmless and inoffensive than recipients do
attachment style and lying
Those with insecure attachment styles tell more lies than secure people
assessing liar’s performance
- A liar’s performance depends on their level of motivation (guilt and fear)
- People who really want to get away with a lie tend to be more obvious than they would be if they didn’t care so much
lies vs. truth
- Lies are typically shorter and less detailed than truths unless the lie is important and the liar can prepare in advance
- There are no clear-cut indicators of deception
- However, discrepancies between verbal and non-verbal behaviour and discrepancies in what people are saying can give liars away
- Lying is usually apparent in changes in a person’s ordinary demeanor
truth bias
we assume our partners are usually telling us the truth
are people good at detecting lies?
People tend not to be very skilled lie detectors
betrayals
hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such treachery
who is most likely to betray us?
- Casual acquaintances cannot betray us as thoroughly and hurtfully as trusted intimates can
- Our close friends or romantic partners are usually the ones who cause us distress
- But they rarely have malicious intent
intent of betrayals
Betrayals occur when people have the best intentions but can’t honour all of the overlapping and competing demands of intimacy and interdependence
demographics of betrayers
Betrayal is less frequent among those who are older, better educated, and religious
personality of betrayers
Those who reported repeated betrayals of others tend to be vengeful, suspicious, manipulative people who score highly on the dark triad
gender differences in betrayal
- Men and women don’t differ in their tendencies to betray others
- Men are more likely to betray their romantic partners and business associates
- Women are more likely to betray their friends and family members more often than men do
betrayer’s perception of their betrayals
Those who are betrayed judge the transgression to be more severe than the betrayers do
consequences of betrayal
- Betrayals almost always have negative and sometimes lasting effects on a relationship
- Those who commit betrayal only acknowledge it was harmful around ½ the time
problems with revenge
- When a victim inflicts reciprocal injury that seems to them to be equal to the harm that they suffered, their retribution seems excessive to their original perpetrator
- We routinely expect revenge to be more satisfying than it turns out be
- Retaliation is usually only fulfilling when those who have wronged us meant to hurt us
- People who are prone to vengeance tend to be high in negative emotionality, low in agreeableness, and generally less happy with life than those who are less vengeful
getting away with deception and betrayal
- Relationships are more adversely affected and forgiveness is harder to obtain if our partners catch us in an act of betrayal or learn of it from a third party than if we tell them ourselves when asked
- When you’re asked about transgressions, make your response as truthful as possible
forgiveness
a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt someone who has wronged you
attachment style and forgiveness
Secure people are more forgiving because they engage in less angry rumination that keeps an injury fresh in their minds
personality traits and forgiveness
- Those with higher self-control and agreeableness are better able to forgive
- Negative emotionality impedes forgiveness
key ingredients that make forgiveness more likely
- Genuine, sincere, contrition
- A desire to continue the relationship on the part of the victim
- A lack of rumination about our hurt
best way to forgive
When you forgive someone, you should be explicit about it and offer clear instructions about the conduct you’ll find to be acceptable in the future
benefits of forgiveness
Forgiveness reduces conflict, encourages communication, and increases personal well-being and physical health
caveat of forgiveness
For forgiveness to be beneficial, our partners and relationships must be worthy of it
