Funeral Service Psychology and Counseling 3

Question 1

True or false:

It is estimated that over two million children in the United States alone will experience the death of a parent before age eighteen.

Answer 1

True

Question 2

True or false:

It is estimated that in any secondary school of 800 pupils, 100 children will experience the death of a family member.

Answer 2

False- 24 Children

Question 3

True or false:

Children’s grief might prove more difficult to assess because they have neither the vocabulary nor the life experience to easily express their feelings and needs.

Answer 3

True

Question 4

True or false:

Nearly 80% of children think about death at one time or another.

Answer 4

True

Question 5

1. Age or developmental level
2. Manner of the death
3. Relationship with the deceased

Answer 5

3 factors that determines children’s belief structures surrounding death and how they respond when a death occurs.

Question 6

Before the age of 6 months, infants show only a non-specific distress reaction to the absence of their mother .

• Raphael speculates that this could be the beginning of early grief responses. After 6 months and up to around 2 years, infants begin to experience normal grief reactions in response to the absence of their mother.
• If the absence continues, the child manifests despair and sadness.
• If absence continues over a long period of time, the child may eventually become detached from everyone, unless a constant caring person takes over.
• Loss of someone other than the mother, it is difficult to tell if the child’s reaction is truly a reaction to the loss itself or if the child is mirroring the grief of the mother.

Answer 6

Birth- 2 years of age

Question 7

• Pre-schoolers do not understand the permanence of death.
• Little understanding of time (all seems the same)
• Can miss a person who is gone and is very aware of nonverbal communication (i.e., change in routine, moods)
• Concerned with the physical well-being of the deceased
• Cannot learn outside the realm of their own experiences (not capable of cognitive reciprocity).
• May want to see or touch the deceased (4-5yrs)
• May ask the same questions about the deceased
• Do not know how to act so they may confront visitors or strangers to pick up on clues.
• May experience guilt because they feel responsible for the death because of something they did, said, wished, or failed to do.
• May act as if the death never happened
• May act in a regressive manner

Answer 7

Ages 2-5 years

Question 8

• Latency-age- have a more complex understanding of death and dying
• realize death is irreversible and universal experience.
• Still find it difficult to believe that death will happen to them. (it happens to older people)
• Death can be personified in the forms of monsters, ghosts, or other frightening creatures which allows children to be able to hide or run away from it, thereby keeping them safe.
• Tendency to engage in magical thinking (wish bad thing to happen to other people- if that person died, it may cause feelings of guilt).
• Lack of vocabulary to express how he feels causes him to act out these feelings in behaviors. - crying, withdraw, frightening dreams, aggressiveness, and misbehavior
• Often need permission to grieve, particularly boys, who frequently exhibit aggressive responses and pay patterns.

Answer 8

Ages 6-9

Question 9

• Have the cognitive understanding to comprehend death as a final event.
• Can understand and accept a mature, realistic explanation of death as final and inevitable
• Short attention spans - Typical to be crying, depressed one minute and outside playing the next - Adults may interpret this as if the child is not upset over the loss.
• concerned about who will care for them or who they will play with.
• may not talk about what is bothering them- builds up and causes behavioral problems
• in school: misbehavior, lack of concentration, drop in grades - should be encouraged to express their feelings
• Interest and curiosity in the physical aspects of death and what happens after death
• May identify with the deceased and imitate mannerisms
• boys are more aggressive in acting out their feelings.

Answer 9

Ages 9-12 : Pre-adolescence

Question 10

• Understand death much like adults do
• Realize it is irreversible and happens to everyone
• frustration, anxiety, confusion of normal puberty that intensifies their grief
• Deaths adds to already conflicting feelings of unattractiveness, insecurity, not belonging, not being on control of self and surroundings
• Can be developed into 3 stages: - early teen years - Mid teen years - Late teen years
• Feel put in the position of the protector, comforter, and caregiver -outwardly seem well, inwardly falling apart
• Philosophize about life and death while searching for meaning in these mysteries
• Conflicting feelings about death - May feel immune to death while at the same time experiencing anxiety and fear over thoughts of their own death.
• take unnecessary chances with their own lives- Academic achievement and competition
• difficult to perceive value others place on academics
• Males and females react differently - females: reassured, held, comforted, consoled - Males: aggressive behaviors

Answer 10

Ages 13-18 (Adolescence)

Question 11

Explains that in confronting death adolescents are trying to overcome their fears by confirming their control over mortality.

Answer 11

Worden

Question 12

A time where teens search for the answer to the question “Am I okay?”

• Very concerned about fitting in and act as if there is an imaginary audience watching everything they do.
• May feel ill at ease when expressing grief - Since they usually are not concerned about what other people think unless it relates directly to them, they may have a difficult time understanding another person’s reaction to loss if it is not the same as theirs.

Answer 12

The early teen years (ages 12-14)

Question 13

A time when teens believe that they are indestructible and that bad things won’t happen to them .

• Cannot imagine their own death - Believe they will live forever
• Express grief by taking unnecessary risks (driving too fast, drinking alcohol)

Answer 13

Mid teens years (ages 14-16)

Question 14

A time when teens search for a meaningful relationships .

• better able to understand complex relationships
• more interested in another person’s point of view
• better understand of others’ thoughts and feelings
• grieve must as adults do

Answer 14

Late teen years (ages 16-19)

Question 15

Already developed misconceptions can be surprising

• Do as much touching and holding as possible to make them feel more secure and less afraid
• Do not be afraid to say that you don’t know

Answer 15

Find out what they already believe

Question 16

• Explain why you are sad
• Reassure them it is okay to feel sad and cry
• Tell them it is okay that they are not sad
• Tell the truth- Do not create lies to protect them (can cause future resentment)
• Honestly means using direct, simple, clear language that a child can understand

Answer 16

Let children know that you feel sad and let them see you cry.

Question 17

• Never tell them the person went away on a trip and will return later
• Never equate death to sleeping
• Do not tell them that God took the person or that the person died because he was sick. - may be afraid you will die or anyone who is sick will go to the hospital and die
• Reassure that illness and death do not go hand in hand and that you plan to stay alive for a long time
• The child may ask when the person will be back even after being told they are dead and will not return. This should be answered truthfully each time.

Answer 17

Although it is difficult for young children to understand the finality of death, it is best to confront the issue honestly.

Question 18

• Reassure them that they did not make the person die.
• Explain that they may even feel angry at the deceased for dying.
• Let them know that this is normal and even adults feel this way sometimes.

Answer 18

Children may think something they said or did made the person die.

Question 19

• Attending or not attending the service
• Selecting the casket
• Deciding on whether or not to view the body
• Choosing special objects to put in the casket
• Choosing which clothes the deceased will wear
• Choosing the grave marker and what will be written on it
• Picking out the urn for cremated remains
• Choosing the location to spread the ashes
• Selecting the burial site
• Selecting flowers, music, and readings for the service
• Participating in the service
• Closing the casket for the last time or being involved in this process

Answer 19

Options that can be presented to the child or teenager attending a funeral service

Question 20

• What if the person’s possessions, if any, would be like to keep?
• When does he think he will be ready to return to school?
• Does he want to see the cremated remains? - Would he like to see the death certificate or the obituary?
• Would he like to participate in a support group?
• How would he like to memorialize the person on the anniversary of his death or on special occasions?

Answer 20

After the funeral options that can be offered to children

Question 21

• Who - will be at the funeral or memorial service?
• Where- will the service take place?
• When- will the funeral happen?
• What- is going to happen?
• Why- are we doing this?

Answer 21

Typical aspects of the funeral that may be discussed

Question 22

• The deceased is in a full, open, or a partially open casket
• The body is cool in temperature
• The body does not move
• The body can not talk or see
• The body will not come back to life
• The body may have markings, etc. from injury or illness
• The body will look and feel different than the person did before death

Answer 22

List of important facts a child might want to know before choosing to view the body.

Question 23

True or false:

At approximately the age of 4, a child should be encouraged to attend a funeral if he or she so desires. Attendance should be urged at an even earlier age if the child has gone to church services or has been at other public gatherings.

Answer 23

True

Question 24

True or false

:A funeral is a sharing community process and a crucial occurrence in the life of every family.

Answer 24

True

Question 25

True or false:

Most young children are not interested in whether or not the deceased still has legs when a half-open casket is used at a funeral.

Answer 25

False- They very much want to know

Question 26

• Family members grief differs between each member (they may believe otherwise)
• Depends on their relationship to the deceased and “emotional legacies”
• Grieving patterns also affected by the degree to which family members are able to anticipate and prepare for the loss.
• Age, gender, maturity or developmental level of each person also plays a role in grief reactions

Answer 26

Grief and Family Systems

Question 27

• Some may see the loss as very devastating
• Some many see the loss as distressing
• Some may see the loss as a relief
• The relationship grievers have with each other and any emotional legacies they share from the past may contribute to differences among family members.
• Some family members may find the issues surrounding the loss may never be resolved completely

Answer 27

Definition of the Severity of a Loss In Family Members Will Vary

Question 28

Differences in cultural background will affect each partner’s grief style

Answer 28

Couples

Question 29

1. What have we lost?
2. What do we have left?
3. What may still be possible for us?

Answer 29

Schneider’s Important Questions for Families

Question 30

Over time family members will reinvest in a new family configuration and system that will be created without the deceased.

• Counselor should encourage communication between family members

Answer 30

Reorganization

Question 31

Respects family member’s thoughts as well as feelings. This will be beneficial to all since it enables members to identify and share their beliefs and determine the meaning of the loss in their lives, both individually and collectively.

Answer 31

Communication between family members

Question 32

• Facilitates discussion of thoughts and emotions
• Makes it easier for members to share their beliefs about the loss and its meaning for them.
• Family memebers must engage in the simple but difficult act of listening to each other

Answer 32

Supportive Communication

Question 33

• The functional position or role the deceased placed in the family can affect grief in family members. To the extent that the deceased had a significant functional position, his death is going to create a corresponding disturbance of functional equilibrium.
• An emotionally well integrated family may show minimal grief reaction at the time of death, but members may respond later with various physical or emotional symptoms or some type of social misbehavior.
• The value families place on emotions and the kinds of communication patterns that give a person permission to express feelings or not express feelings can affect mourning. Families that conspire to feelings of suppression may ultimately keep the individual from adequate resolution of grief.

Answer 33

Worden’s Dynamics that contribute to a family’s reaction to recovery from a death