Oct 31 Flashcards
what makes us feel hurt?
abandonment
betrayal
harsh criticism
public humiliation
being ignored/left out
forgotten birthdays
insensitive remarks
being unappreciated
hurt feelings are common
60% of university students report experiencing hurt feelings more often than once a month
20% report at least once a week
one factor common to many experiences that hurt our feelings
they threaten our sense of relational value
relational value
degree to which other people value us and our relationship
hurt feelings arise when…
we perceive that another person doesn’t regard our relationship as valuably & as importantly as we wish they did
specific type of social pain
experience of hurt during a rejection episode isn’t reducible to other kinds of negative emotions (ie. feeling upset or distressed)
hurt feelings are a specific type of…
social pain
different from the pain of bereavement
communications of low relational value can involve…
- complete and unambiguous rejection
- be more subtle
ie. when we feel that others simply don’t care that much if we’re around or not
lab experiment: ostensible study of “managerial decision making” SETUP
had to make decisions on who should do tasks
Ps assigned to “SPEAKER” or “EVALUATOR” (presented as random but Ps are always the speakers)
Ps see evaluator’s feedback - how much they wish “to get to work with the speaker”
reactions to acceptance/rejection may not be related to…
the INTENSITY of acceptance/rejection experience in a STRAIGHTFORWARD, LINEAR fashion
lab experiment: ostensible study of “managerial decision making” - manipulated level of…
acceptance/rejection
- extreme rejection (I definitely don’t want to work with this person)
- moderate rejection (I somewhat don’t want to work with this person)
- moderate acceptance (I somewhat want to work with this person)
- extreme acceptance (I definitely want to work with this person)
lab experiment: ostensible study of “managerial decision making” RESULTS
maximal exclusion really hurts self-esteem inventory
but ambivalence does too
not much differentiation between the way that maximal exclusion and ambivalence make us feel
bit more sensitivity to varying degrees of acceptance
perceived relational value suggests…
that the feelings we experience are linked to others’ evaluations of us in a complex way
- maximal exclusion doesn’t hurt much more than simple ambivalence does
- more sensitive to small changes in acceptance from others that indicate just how much they like us (but perhaps only up to a point)
perceived relational value: manipulating the sequence of feedback
relational devaluation (decreases in perceived relational value) is particularly hurtful
hurts more to go from acceptance to rejection
than to experience consistently high levels of rejection
hurt feelings can linger
> 90% of Ps in one study reported experiencing negative emotions about hurtful episodes that had occurred more than ONE YEAR EARLIER
more likely to experience hurt feelings in…
close relationships
70% of hurtful episodes involved ROMANTIC PARTNERS or CLOSE FRIENDS
26% FAMILY members, acquaintances, authority figures
2% only for STRANGERS
role of attributions in hurt feelings
can’t directly know how much others value us
our PERCEPTIONS of our relational value/relational devaluation may or may not be ACCURATE reps of reality
the attributions we make MATTER
ie. “she didn’t call me because she doesn’t like me” versus “she didn’t call me because she was swamped with work”
criticism is a common source of hurt feelings - why?
hurtful because conveys NEGATIVE EVALUATION of the individual
^seen as relational devaluation
what buffers against effects of criticism?
statements of care and affection
key attribution is whether the criticism is taken as evidence of relational devaluation
teasing can either…
foster sense of closeness/rapport
OR
evoke hurt
will be hurtful if target interprets teasing as sign of relational devaluation
perceived intentionality
extent to which victim believes transgressor deliberately engaged in hurtful behaviour
intentional attributions associated with…
- increased evaluations of responsibility/blame
- negative evaluations of event and partner
- unwillingness to forgive
do acts involving relational devaluation still feel hurtful even if they were unintentional?
yes
ie. being forgotten can signal low relational value and be very painful
relationship satisfaction with hurt feelings
relationship satisfaction negatively correlated with hurt feelings after hurtful event
degree to which event negatively impacted the relationship also matters
individual differences that affect the attributions we make
rejection sensitivity
attachment insecurity
low self-esteem
^may contribute to greater propensity to experience hurt feelings
specific type of hurtful interpersonal experience that is esp ambiguous
ostracism
ostracism
act of excluding or ignoring someone
OSTRAKISMOS (Greek) = practice of removing a citizen considered to be a threat to democracy
across different cultures, shunning practices…
aka ostracism
are used as means of regulating undesirable behaviour
young children show spontaneous use of the practice
ostracism examples
giving someone the cold shoulder or silent treatment
not speaking to them, avoiding eye contact
ambiguity of silent treatment means that…
victims lack CAUSAL CLARITY
can’t identify the precipitating event
this lack of causal clarity further compounds psychology distress
lack of causal clarity further compounds psychological distress
- targets who are unable to attribute the ostracism to a SPECIFIC CAUSE suffer greater threats to their sense of BELONGING and SELF ESTEEM
- understanding aversive events is an important part of COPING
- may RUMINATE on possible causes, generating large amount of SELF-DEPRECATING attributions
- may QUESTION future stability of the relationship
ostracism: refusing to offer reason…
reduces the likelihood that the target will engage in restorative action
it’s counter-productive
reasons why actors may use silent treatment
- PUNITIVE reasons
- NON-PUNITIVE reasons:
- “cooling off” after a conflict
- avoiding confrontation
- targets may underestimate prevalence of non-punitive reasons
may use ostracism as a way of…
terminating the relationship
ie. “ghosting”
while ostracism often leaves targets confused, actors…
see it as effective means of achieving their goals
adaptive purpose of hurt feelings
alert us to ACTUAL or POTENTIAL THREATS to the relationship
motivate RECONNECTION
key premise of attachment theory: feelings of hurt drive us to seek out attachment figure
sharing of hurt feelings post-conflict grows…
intimacy in the relationship
consistent with the process model of intimacy
paradigms for studying ostracism in the lab
cyberball
not being picked to work with a group/being picked last
being ignored by conversation partners
recalling previous experriences
being told you’re likely to end up alone in the future
lab ostracism manipulations often result in increased…
attempts to establish social connection
ie.
1. increasing effort on subsequent group task
- more likely to sign up for a “friend matchmaking service”
- increased desire to work with others on a task
- provide more positive evaluations & allocate more monetary rrewards to a novel parrtner
important boundary conditions to affiliative behaviour motivated by hurt feelings
- likely to engage in affiliative behaviour only to extent to which we see target as a VIABLE source of social connection
“vulnerable but needy” post-rejection - desire connection, but want to protect ourselves against further rejection or exploitation
- after rejection, direct affiliative efforts
- towards novel partners but NOT those RESPONSIBLE for the rejection
- particularly if expect future contact/interaction with the novel partners
who are less likely to affiliate after rejection?
those who are particularly fearful of negative social evaluation
experiences of hurt may also lead to negative/antisocial…
responses
that are more likely to DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY rather than provide opportunities for reconnection
may DEROGATE those who rejected us
derogation of those who rejected us
- Ps chosen last for a team rated team captain more negatively, expressed less interest in being friends with them
- helps maintain positive affect
- but recall that a too-ready tendency to anticipate rejection (as in those with low self-esteem) may lead to PRE-EMPTIVE DEROGATION of relationship partners & undermining of relationship
hurtful events also linked to…
aggression
aggression particularly linked when hurtful act is seen as INTENTIONAL