Oct 31 Flashcards
1
Q
what makes us feel hurt?
A
abandonment
betrayal
harsh criticism
public humiliation
being ignored/left out
forgotten birthdays
insensitive remarks
being unappreciated
2
Q
hurt feelings are common
A
60% of university students report experiencing hurt feelings more often than once a month
20% report at least once a week
3
Q
one factor common to many experiences that hurt our feelings
A
they threaten our sense of relational value
4
Q
relational value
A
degree to which other people value us and our relationship
5
Q
hurt feelings arise when…
A
we perceive that another person doesn’t regard our relationship as valuably & as importantly as we wish they did
specific type of social pain
experience of hurt during a rejection episode isn’t reducible to other kinds of negative emotions (ie. feeling upset or distressed)
6
Q
hurt feelings are a specific type of…
A
social pain
different from the pain of bereavement
7
Q
communications of low relational value can involve…
A
- complete and unambiguous rejection
- be more subtle
ie. when we feel that others simply don’t care that much if we’re around or not
8
Q
lab experiment: ostensible study of “managerial decision making” SETUP
A
had to make decisions on who should do tasks
Ps assigned to “SPEAKER” or “EVALUATOR” (presented as random but Ps are always the speakers)
Ps see evaluator’s feedback - how much they wish “to get to work with the speaker”
8
Q
reactions to acceptance/rejection may not be related to…
A
the INTENSITY of acceptance/rejection experience in a STRAIGHTFORWARD, LINEAR fashion
9
Q
lab experiment: ostensible study of “managerial decision making” - manipulated level of…
A
acceptance/rejection
- extreme rejection (I definitely don’t want to work with this person)
- moderate rejection (I somewhat don’t want to work with this person)
- moderate acceptance (I somewhat want to work with this person)
- extreme acceptance (I definitely want to work with this person)
10
Q
lab experiment: ostensible study of “managerial decision making” RESULTS
A
maximal exclusion really hurts self-esteem inventory
but ambivalence does too
not much differentiation between the way that maximal exclusion and ambivalence make us feel
bit more sensitivity to varying degrees of acceptance
11
Q
perceived relational value suggests…
A
that the feelings we experience are linked to others’ evaluations of us in a complex way
- maximal exclusion doesn’t hurt much more than simple ambivalence does
- more sensitive to small changes in acceptance from others that indicate just how much they like us (but perhaps only up to a point)
12
Q
perceived relational value: manipulating the sequence of feedback
A
relational devaluation (decreases in perceived relational value) is particularly hurtful
hurts more to go from acceptance to rejection
than to experience consistently high levels of rejection
13
Q
hurt feelings can linger
A
> 90% of Ps in one study reported experiencing negative emotions about hurtful episodes that had occurred more than ONE YEAR EARLIER
14
Q
more likely to experience hurt feelings in…
A
close relationships
70% of hurtful episodes involved ROMANTIC PARTNERS or CLOSE FRIENDS
26% FAMILY members, acquaintances, authority figures
2% only for STRANGERS
15
Q
role of attributions in hurt feelings
A
can’t directly know how much others value us
our PERCEPTIONS of our relational value/relational devaluation may or may not be ACCURATE reps of reality
the attributions we make MATTER
ie. “she didn’t call me because she doesn’t like me” versus “she didn’t call me because she was swamped with work”
16
Q
criticism is a common source of hurt feelings - why?
A
hurtful because conveys NEGATIVE EVALUATION of the individual
^seen as relational devaluation
17
Q
what buffers against effects of criticism?
A
statements of care and affection
key attribution is whether the criticism is taken as evidence of relational devaluation
18
Q
teasing can either…
A
foster sense of closeness/rapport
OR
evoke hurt
will be hurtful if target interprets teasing as sign of relational devaluation
19
Q
perceived intentionality
A
extent to which victim believes transgressor deliberately engaged in hurtful behaviour
20
Q
intentional attributions associated with…
A
- increased evaluations of responsibility/blame
- negative evaluations of event and partner
- unwillingness to forgive
21
Q
do acts involving relational devaluation still feel hurtful even if they were unintentional?
A
yes
ie. being forgotten can signal low relational value and be very painful
22
Q
relationship satisfaction with hurt feelings
A
relationship satisfaction negatively correlated with hurt feelings after hurtful event
degree to which event negatively impacted the relationship also matters
23
Q
individual differences that affect the attributions we make
A
rejection sensitivity
attachment insecurity
low self-esteem
^may contribute to greater propensity to experience hurt feelings
24
specific type of hurtful interpersonal experience that is esp ambiguous
ostracism
25
ostracism
act of excluding or ignoring someone
OSTRAKISMOS (Greek) = practice of removing a citizen considered to be a threat to democracy
26
across different cultures, shunning practices...
aka ostracism
are used as means of regulating undesirable behaviour
young children show spontaneous use of the practice
27
ostracism examples
giving someone the cold shoulder or silent treatment
not speaking to them, avoiding eye contact
28
ambiguity of silent treatment means that...
victims lack CAUSAL CLARITY
can't identify the precipitating event
this lack of causal clarity further compounds psychology distress
29
lack of causal clarity further compounds psychological distress
1. targets who are unable to attribute the ostracism to a SPECIFIC CAUSE suffer greater threats to their sense of BELONGING and SELF ESTEEM
2. understanding aversive events is an important part of COPING
3. may RUMINATE on possible causes, generating large amount of SELF-DEPRECATING attributions
4. may QUESTION future stability of the relationship
30
ostracism: refusing to offer reason...
reduces the likelihood that the target will engage in restorative action
it's counter-productive
31
reasons why actors may use silent treatment
1. PUNITIVE reasons
2. NON-PUNITIVE reasons:
- "cooling off" after a conflict
- avoiding confrontation
- targets may underestimate prevalence of non-punitive reasons
32
may use ostracism as a way of...
terminating the relationship
ie. "ghosting"
33
while ostracism often leaves targets confused, actors...
see it as effective means of achieving their goals
34
adaptive purpose of hurt feelings
alert us to ACTUAL or POTENTIAL THREATS to the relationship
motivate RECONNECTION
key premise of attachment theory: feelings of hurt drive us to seek out attachment figure
35
sharing of hurt feelings post-conflict grows...
intimacy in the relationship
consistent with the process model of intimacy
36
paradigms for studying ostracism in the lab
cyberball
not being picked to work with a group/being picked last
being ignored by conversation partners
recalling previous experriences
being told you're likely to end up alone in the future
37
lab ostracism manipulations often result in increased...
attempts to establish social connection
ie.
1. increasing effort on subsequent group task
2. more likely to sign up for a "friend matchmaking service"
3. increased desire to work with others on a task
4. provide more positive evaluations & allocate more monetary rrewards to a novel parrtner
38
important boundary conditions to affiliative behaviour motivated by hurt feelings
1. likely to engage in affiliative behaviour only to extent to which we see target as a VIABLE source of social connection
"vulnerable but needy" post-rejection - desire connection, but want to protect ourselves against further rejection or exploitation
2. after rejection, direct affiliative efforts
- towards novel partners but NOT those RESPONSIBLE for the rejection
- particularly if expect future contact/interaction with the novel partners
39
who are less likely to affiliate after rejection?
those who are particularly fearful of negative social evaluation
40
experiences of hurt may also lead to negative/antisocial...
responses
that are more likely to DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY rather than provide opportunities for reconnection
may DEROGATE those who rejected us
41
derogation of those who rejected us
1. Ps chosen last for a team rated team captain more negatively, expressed less interest in being friends with them
2. helps maintain positive affect
- but recall that a too-ready tendency to anticipate rejection (as in those with low self-esteem) may lead to PRE-EMPTIVE DEROGATION of relationship partners & undermining of relationship
42
hurtful events also linked to...
aggression
aggression particularly linked when hurtful act is seen as INTENTIONAL
43
blasting noise study: hurtful events and aggression
Ps who had received fake feedback that
i) they had been REJECTION by others
ii) they were destined to END UP ALONE in life
exhibited higher levels of aggression/administered LOUDER blasting noise
showed aggression even towards targets not involved in rejection episode
44
link between hurt & aggression also evident in real world situations
1. in one study of hurtful events, >50% of Ps reported SAYING something CRITICAL or NASTY to the person who hurt them
2. perceptions of relational devaluation common precipitating factor for INTERPERSONAL VIOLENCE
3. aggression in response to SOCIAL REJECTION/EXCLUSION seems like a counterproductive response - how to explain it?
45
how to explain aggression in response to hurt
may reflect a by-product of tapping into a DEFENSIVE SYSTEM originally designed to deal with threat in general
physical-social pain overlap theory
studies in non-human animals (rats, monkeys, cats, turtles) and humans show that physical pain is a powerful elicitor of aggression
46
why is physical pain a powerful elicitor of aggression?
pain signals the presence of a serious, proximate threat to survival & motivates a response
in some cases, may be able to flee the threat - but often FIGHTING is your best chance (esp if defensive distance is low)
47
like physical pain, experience of social pain...
may contribute to DEFENSIVE stance that promotes AGGRESSION
pain may activate aggressive impulses AUTOMATICALLY - similar to urge to cry
48
betrayals
relationship experiences that are aversive because they VIOLATE OUR EXPECTATIONS for relationship partners
expectations of TRUST, CARING, FAITHFULNESS & EXCLUSIVITY (in monogamous relationship)
includes infidelity, unmet obligations, broken promises, disclosure of secrets
49
how do betrayals contribute to feelings of hurt?
because such events signal relational devaluation
50
even fairly trivial events can be experienced as hurtful to the extent that...
that they are interpreted as relational devaluation
ie. "but you promised you would go to the Renaissance Fair this weekend"
but perpetrator may fail to grasp significance of event for victim
51
hurtful events: what contributes to diffs in perspective?
1. ACTOR-OBSERVER DIFFERENCE
as ACTORS, take into account external pressures, mitigating circumstances
as OBSERVERS, more likely to make dispositional attributions
2. TEND TO BE SELF-SERVING
excuses/minimize our negative actions, attribute them to external forces
52
simply being asked to identify with the perpetrator of a relational transgression leads Ps to...
causes one to recall scenario in a way that puts perpetrator in a better light
53
when Ps imagine committing a sexual infidelity, what do they do?
they EXTERNALIZE BLAME for infidelity (to their partners, external circumstances)
MINIMIZE MAGNITUDE of emotional harm to partners
54
Ps with prior experience as both infidelity perpetrators & victims are more likely to...
make external blame attributions when in position of perpetrator rather than victim
particularly true of individuals high in:
1. avoidant attachment
2. narcissism
Ps also rate infidelity as having had a stronger emotional impact on them than their infidelity had on their partners
55
infidelity: majority of partners expect...
exclusivity in their relationships
place high value on fidelity
56
although majority of partners expect exclusivity in their relationships and place high value on fidelity, they often do not...
1. do not discuss the issue directly
2. make assumptions (particularly heterosexual couples)
^ may foster sense of UNCERTAINTY
57
sexual infidelity
involves sexual acts or behaviours clearly signalling desire for sexual involvement
(sexual intercourse, making out, intimate caressing)
generally more likely to be interpreted as infidelity
58
emotional infidelity
involves development of close bond with another
often to the point that primary partner is IGNORED/EXCLUDED
ie. intimate disclosures, secrecy, physical affection, spending time together doing intimate activities
more AMBIGUOUS & open to interpretation
59
is prevalence of infidelity easy to assess?
no, it's hard to assess
given varying conceptions of infidelity
estimates vary widely
60
prevalence meta-analysis of infidelity
large meta analysis - N = 58 000
married, mostly US participants
21% of women
32% of men
had been sexually unfaithful
rates of infidelity may be even higher in dating couples
social desirability concerns may lead to underestimates
61
if infidelity is widely frowned upon, why's it so prevalent?
evolutionary view
62
evolutionary view - infidelity
extrapair mating may provide REPRODUCTIVE ADVANTAGE
MALE perspective: mating with more females would increase fitness
FEMALE perspective: less obvious benefit (given greater investment in pregnancy) and more risks (ie. violence)
^but may be able to improve GENETIC QUALITY of offspring
63
risk factors for infidelity
1. risky individuals
2. risky relationships
3. self-expansion theory
4. risky contexts
5. multiple vulnerabilities
64
risky individuals: risk factors for infidelity
1. individuals with unrestricted SOCIOSEXUAL ORIENTATION more likely to engage in extradyadic sex
2. AVOIDANTLY attached individuals tend to be higher in SOI, hold more permissive attitudes towards/engagement in infidelity
^infidelity = perhaps due to attempts to meet unfulfilled intimacy needs
65
risky relationships: risk factors for infidelity
1. infidelity more likely to occur when partners are LESS COMMITTED to each other
2. more prevalent in relationships with LOWER relationship & sexual SATISFACTION
3. POOR COMMUNICATION within relationship may increase infidelity risk
^ turn to other potential partners instead of working through problems in relationship
66
self-expansion theory: risk factors for infidelity
seek to expand sense of self through relationships
rapid self-expansion produces sense of exhilaration
difficult to sustain long term, may look outside relationship to recreate feeling
67
Esther Perel quote on infidelity
"When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person as much as we are looking for another self"
68
risky contexts: risk factors for infidelity
1. AVAILABILITY of attractive alternatives
2. being AWAY from relationship partner
3. factors REDUCING INHIBITION (drugs, alcohol)
multiple vulnerabilities combined with a precipitating event may culminate in infidelity
69
consequences of infidelity - on victim
profoundly negative impact on victim
1. can resemble symptoms of PTSD: protracted sadness and depression, anxiety, rumination & intrusive flashbacks, emotional numbness
2. can lead to RE-EVALUATION of not just current relationship but undermine one's view of relationships in general
^threatens attachment security
70
infidelity's impact on victim - learning about infidelity from what source is particularly damaging?
learning about affair from THIRD-PARTY
or CATCHING partner "red-handed"
combination of unfaithfulness and DISHONESTY
71
infidelity's impact on victim - learning about infidelity from what source is less damaging?
finding out form partner
especially if unsolicited
less negative effect on relationship, greater chance of forgiveness, less likely to break up
72
infidelity: forgiveness more likely for ______ ______ than for...
isolated betrayals
than for long-standing affairs
73
what's the leading cause of divorce?
infidelity
infidelity DOUBLES LIKELIHOOD of divorce over and above any effects of unhappiness prior to the cheating
74
mere suspicion of infidelity...
may have strong impact on relationship as well
75
jealousy
emotional state evoked by the perception that a valued relationship is being THREATENED by a RIVAL
threat may be REAL or IMAGINED
76
are jealousy and envy the same thing?
no
envy is a desire for another's possessions
77
jealousy: some debate as to...
debate as to whether jealousy represents a DISTINCT EMOTION unique to this kind of situation
or a CONSTELLATION of emotions (hurt, anger, fear/anxiety)
78
social constructivist view of jealousy
argues that jealousy is a CULTURAL CONSTRUCT/SCRIPT rather than a universal emotional experience grounded in biology
79
functional view of jealousy
like other emotions, jealousy is an EVOLVED ADAPTATION that helped us solve recurring, important adaptive problem in the course of EVOLUTION
rely on relationships for RESOURCES (nourishment, shelter, care, protection) but resources are finite
rivals threaten to usurp our relationships & rewards we gain through them
80
functionalist view of jealousy: jealousy motivates us to...
engage in MATE RETENTION STRATEGIES
which can take diff forms
ie. ingratiating ourselves to partner, scaring or fighting off rival, getting in between partner and rival
81
mate retention strategies
ingratiating ourselves to partner
scaring/fighting off rival
getting in between partner and rival
82
is jealousy innate?
consistent with functionalist perspective, research with infants & non-human animals (ie. dogs) suggests that jealousy is INNATE
rather than something learned/dictated by culture
83
things suggesting that jealousy is innate
infants display behaviours seemingly indicative of jealousy
ie. 6 month old infants display greater NEGATIVE AFFECT when their mothers IGNORE them while interacting with a realistic baby doll (vs reading a book)
similar findings for DOGS
84
jealousy not triggered by mere withdrawal of attention, but rather...
diversion of attention to a potential rival
85
jealousy - what happens with increasing cognitive sophistication?
with increasing cognitive sophistication...
appraisals (interpretations of the situation) become MORE COMPLEX & play a LARGER ROLE
ie. 4 yo kids display MORE JEALOUSY when mother's attention is diverted to a SIMILARLY AGED PEER than an infant, whereas for younger children jealousy isn't influenced by rival's age
86
4 yo kid jealousy versus younger children jealousy
4 year olds get more jealous if parent's attention is diverted to a same age peer
whereas younger kids don't care about age match - get jealous in any situations
occurs because of increasing cognitive sophistication that comes along age
87
with increasing cognitive sophistication, jealousy provoking situations are no longer constrained to...
PHYSICAL PRESENCE of rival
can also involve:
1. ANTICIPATION
2. IMAGINATION
3. MEMORY
88
with increasing cognitive sophistication, appraisals of threat may involve both...
1. threats to the relationship
2. threats to the self
may help explain why we sometimes feel jealous of lovers' PAST PARTNERS even if they don't pose a threat to current relationship
89
what helps explain why we sometimes feel jealous of lovers' past partners even if they don't pose a threat to current relationship?
because appraisals of threat can include THREATS TO THE SELF
90
type of infidelity gender diffs in which is more threatening
SEXUAL INFIDELITY: 60% of men
EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY: 83% of women
91
type of infidelity and gender diffs - evolutionary perspective
sex differences in potential negative OUTCOMES resulting from having an unfaithful partner lead to different REACTIONS to sexual vs emotional infidelity
MEN: because of PATERNITY UNCERTAINTY, fear expending resources on another male's offspring
WOMEN: because of greater MINIMAL PARENT INVESTMENT, fear losing resources for their offspring if mate becomes emotionally invested in someone else
92
type of infidelity - men evolutionary perspective
find SEXUAL infidelity more threatening
because of PATERNITY UNCERTAINTY, fear expending resources on another male's offspring
93
type of infidelity - women evolutionary perspective
find EMOTIONAL infidelity more threatening
because of greater MINIMAL PARENT INVESTMENT, fear losing resources for their offspring if mate becomes emotionally invested in someone else
94
gender diffs in which type of infidelity is most threatening - true sex difference or artifact of the way the question is phrased?
may exaggerate minor difference
in a FORCED CHOICE paradigm, will choose the type of infidelity that co-occurs with the other
WOMEN: if partner is emotionally invested, assume sex has already taken place
MEN: if partner has had sex, assume she is emotionally invested
95
what's an issue surrounding assessing which type of infidelity is the most threatening?
affective forecasting
are we good at predicting the way we would feel in these scenarios?
96
type of infidelity gender diffs - when using continuous scales...
some MIXED FINDINGS, but meta-analytic evidence suggests that sex differences PERSIST
1. more pronounced in YOUNGER & STUDENT samples
2. MORE pronounced for feelings of JEALOUSY, LESS pronounced for other emotions like HURT
3. true of reactions to both HYPOTHETICAL & ACTUAL infidelities
97
who makes us jealous?
1. rivals with HIGH MATE VALUE
2. feel threatened when a HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE RIVAL is SIMILAR to us, esp on an attribute CENTRAL to our self-concept
^ want our partners to see us as unique
^ this kind of rival thus poses a threat to our POSITIVE DISTINCTIVENESS
3. rivalry from a FRIEND is particularly painful, as is partner returning to a PREVIOUS LOVER
98
__% of Ps reported trying to make partner jealous
75%
99
reasons for jealousy induction
majority to "get partner's attention"
punitive reasons also reported
^ sometimes used as a retaliatory strategy
100
what attachment style is linked to jealousy induction?
anxious attachment
in part as indirect method for COMMUNICATING RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
101
men or women: who's more likely to use jealousy induction?
women
102
relational consequences of jealousy induction
associated with:
1. arguments
2. decreases in commitment
3. breakups
4. controlling & aggressive behaviour
5. hurt feelings
103
most common motive in spousal murders
jealousy
104
why is jealousy not a signal of greater relational valuation?
signals that your partner doesn't view you as TRUSTWORTHY
105
positive impacts of jealousy?
jealous expressions can also be interpreted as SIGNS OF AFFECTION
can enhance ROMANTIC FEELINGS & SATISFACTION
may MOTIVATE partners to take action to REPAIR/MAINTAIN the relationship
106
what has stronger implications for relational outcomes than jealous feelings or thoughts?
the way that jealousy is COMMUNICATED
negative responses versus positive responses
107
communications around jealousy: negative responses
1. threatening verbal attacks
2. derogation of partner
3. ostracism, withdrawing from relationship
108
communications around jealousy: positive responses
1. self-disclosure of feelings in positive, constructive way
2. attempts to improve the relationship
