Nov 5 Flashcards
1
Q
conflict arises when…
A
one individual’s pursuit of their GOALS INTERFERES with the other person’s goals
2
Q
conflict is inevitable in interdependent relationships…
A
because our outcomes are affected by the actions of the other person
- any two individuals will occasionally differ in their:
a) motives
b) beliefs
c) opinions
and these incompatibilities create conflict - runs the gamut from MINOR (which movie to watch) to MAJOR (how to raise children)
- even in generally compatible couples, incompatibilities will occasionally arise
3
Q
2 competing motives which are constantly in flux
A
AUTONOMY versus CONNECTION
4
Q
what do couples disagree on?
A
from most to least frequent
- children
- chores
- communication
- leisure
- work
- money
- habits
- relatives
- commitment
- intimacy
- friends
- personality
5
Q
sources of conflict are diverse, but instigating events can be grouped into ____ general categories
A
four
- criticism
- illegitimate demands
- rebuffs
- cumulative annoyances
6
Q
conflict category: criticism
A
verbal or nonverbal acts that COMMUNICATE DISSATISFACTION with partner
particularly problematic when perceived as unfair
7
Q
conflict category: illegitimate demands
A
requests that are EXCESSIVE and that seem UNJUST
8
Q
conflict category: rebuffs
A
occur when one is DENIED a DESIRED REACTION
9
Q
conflict category: cumulative annoyances
A
relatively TRIVIAL events that BECOME IRRITATING with repetition (“social allergens”)
10
Q
conflicts don’t have to be…
A
destructive
HOW we disagree during conflict is more important than WHETHER we disagree or WHAT we disagree about
(although some topics are more challenging)
can exercise CONTROL over our actions (even if it’s very hard)
11
Q
validating couples look like…
A
“we strive to STAY CALM when we’re fighting. we VALUE each other’s OPINIONS, and we VALIDATE each other even when we disagree and have to exert some SELF CONTROL to stay cool as we seek a COMPROMISE”
12
Q
3 types of couples that successfully navigate conflict
A
- validating
- volatile
- conflict-avoiding
13
Q
validating couples
A
compromise often
work out problems to mutual satisfaction
14
Q
volatile couples
A
frequent, passionate conflict
tempered by positive affect (humour, displays of fondness)
15
Q
conflict-avoiding couples
A
agree to disagree
avoid conflict head on
16
Q
volatile couples look like…
A
“we have passionate arguments that are sometimes loud and volcanic, but our relationship remains warm and loving because we make up with a lot of laughter and affection”
17
Q
conflict-avoiding couples look like…
A
“we avoid fights. discussions of disagreements can just make things worse, so we often “agree to disagree” and wait for problems to work themselves out”
18
Q
volatile, validating and conflict-avoiding couples can all be…
A
stable
but will work only to the extent that they MAINTAIN the golden 5:1 RATIO between positive and negative interactions
19
Q
least stable kind of couple
A
hostile
characterized by high levels of hostility
20
Q
subtypes of hostile relationships
A
- ENGAGED subtype: attempt to address disagreements, but do so badly
^ argue OFTEN & INTENSELY
^ insults, name-calling, put-downs etc
- DETACHED subtype: let disagreements fester, are emotionally detached
^ although with occasional bouts of sniping
21
Q
4 horsemen of the apocalypse
A
- criticism
- contempt
- defensiveness
- stonewalling
four hostile dynamics that don’t bode well for relationships
22
Q
exchanges of unhappy couples characterized by…
A
more NEGATIVE AFFECT and less positive affect
10 times more likely to use negative tone of voice
23
Q
is expression of negative emotions always bad for relationships?
A
(negative emotions like anger, hurt, sadness)
not always
can actually increase closeness
24
Q
criticism
A
one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
attacking PERSONALITY or character rather than airing out disagreements by focusing on SPECIFIC behaviour
more likely to put partner on the defensive
25
contempt
MOST DESTRUCTIVE of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
criticism coupled with SCORN & DISGUST & SENSE OF SUPERIORITY
includes insults, name calling, hostile humour, mocking, non-verbal cues of disgust (sneering)
LOSS of ADMIRATION for partner
26
stonewalling
one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
WITHDRAWING and DISENGAGING from meaningful conversation with the partner
^ removing oneself from convo, not responding or offering monosyllabic responses, ignoring partner
PROVOCATIVE & DESTRUCTIVE - conveys disapproval, creates distance, precludes resolution
27
defensiveness
one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
PROTECTING against the attack by:
1. DENYING responsibility
2. making EXCUSES
cross-complaining, yes-butting
28
example of criticism
"I can't believe you didn't take out the trash, AGAIN. you're so lazy!"
versus
"I'm upset that you didn't take out the trash"
29
distinction between criticism and
complaining
30
shift from complaining to criticism often occurs if...
complaints are not addressed
(due to poor communication and/or unwillingness)
31
unlike complaints, criticisms...
tend to be GENERALIZATIONS
"you always/never..."
32
kitchen sinking
bundling complaints
similar effect to criticism of partner's personality because it seems so OVERWHELMING and PERVASIVE
33
kitchen sinking results in...
conversation drifting OFF BEAM
wander from topic to topic without resolving anything
34
contempt includes...
scorn, disgust, sense of superiority
insults, name-calling, hostile humour, mocking, nonverbal cues of disgust
35
feelings underlying contempt
disgust and negativity towards partner
see them as stupid, disgusting, incompetent, foolish
36
defensiveness includes protecting agains the attack by...
1. making excuses ("I didn't tell you because I knew you'd blow it out of proportion)
2. denying responsibility ("I didn't say anything wrong")
37
2 subtypes of defensiveness
1. cross-complaining
2. yes-butting
^ repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other is saying
^ playing the victim, whining
38
cross-complaining example
I hate how you always leave junk in my car
well, maybe if you weren't so obsessed with your car you would clean up around the house for once!
39
yes-butting example
we could try that but it would never work
yeah, i did that but i don't see why you're making such a big deal out of it
40
defensiveness is understandable when... but...
understandable reaction when feeling beleaguered
BUT it obstructs communication and tends to ESCALATE rather than de-escalate conflict
engenders feelings of TENSION and PREVENTS partners from HEARING and understanding each other
41
stonewalling is _________ & _________, conveys ________, creates _________ and precludes _________
is PROVOCATIVE & DESTRUCTIVE
conveys DISAPPROVAL
creates DISTANCE
precludes RESOLUTION
42
flooding
sense of being OVERWHELMED by NEGATIVE EMOTION and strong PHYSIOLOGICAL AROUSAL
43
what does flooding impede?
CONSTRUCTIVE discussion
leads to hostility, defensiveness, withdrawal
44
with chronic flooding...
hyper-vigilance for signs of attack
immersion in distress-maintaining thoughts
statements like "we need to talk" immediately put partner on the defensive
45
demand/withdraw pattern
destructive pattern of conflict
one person PRESSES the issues
while the other WITHDRAWS and AVOIDS discussing the issues
CYCLICAL PATTERN: the more the demander pushes, the more the withdrawer retreats
46
demand/withdraw pattern: because arguments are left unsettled...
leads to SERIAL ARGUING
linked to PERSONAL and RELATIONSHIP distress
47
gender and demand/withdraw pattern
MEN more likely to be WITHDRAWERS/STONEWALLERS
WOMEN more likely to be DEMANDERS
pattern seen cross-culturally
48
3 explanations for the demand/withdraw pattern
1. biological perspective
2. differences in socialization
3. differences in power
49
biological perspective explanation: demand/withdraw pattern
MEN experience stronger & longer-lasting PHYSIOLOGICAL STRESS response during conflict
^ more prone to FLOODING
^ more reactive to conflict
50
differences in socialization explanation: demand/withdraw pattern
1. BOYS socialized to HIDE & SUPPRESS emotions
^ to focus on pursuing AUTONOMOUS GOALS
2. GIRLS socialized to EXPRESS feelings
^ to focus on RELATIONSHIPS & fostering INTIMACY/CLOSENESS
^ receive more SUPPORT when expressing emotions
51
differences in power explanation: demand/withdraw pattern
the PERSON WHO WANTS CHANGE is in LOW POWER position
^ must rely on the other to create change
the person who BENEFITS from STATUS QUO holds the power
women tend to desire more change in relationship than men, puts them in low-power role in heterosexual relationships
52
demand/withdraw pattern: comparison of heterosexual, gay & lesbian couples
if something essential about men versus women, wouldn't expect to see demand/withdraw asymmetry in gay & lesbian couples
MIXED FINDINGS
1. some have found NO DIFF in overall levels of demand/withdraw behaviour or asymmetry between couple types
2. others have found that women demand more and men withdraw more regardless of couple type
3. regardless of gender, person who wants change (low power) demands, and the more powerful person (invested in status quo) withdraws
53
cycle of negativity: first ___ mins of convo...
first THREE mins of convo SET THE TONE
can be used to PREDICT subsequent divorce with 96% accuracy
HARSH STARTUP: leading discussion with criticism or contempt
54
first __ mins of conflict convo can be used to predict divorce with __ accuracy
three mins
96% accuracy
55
what couples are more likely to reciprocate negativity?
unhappy, risky couples
NEGATIVE AFFECT RECIPROCITY: negative emotions are met with negative emotions
meet negative behaviours with defensiveness, stonewalling
56
negative affect reciprocity
negative emotions are met with negative emotions
57
accommodation
willingness to respond to DESTRUCTIVE acts with CONSTRUCTIVE responses
BREAKS the cycle of negativity
even happy couples sometimes engage in negative behaviours, but are better able to keep negativity from spiralling out of control
58
accommodation is characteristic of...
committed couples
59
what breaks the cycle of negativity?
accommodation
60
what does accommodation begin with?
the way we think about partner's behaviour
61
role of cognition in conflict
while the way we behave during disagreement is important, so are our PERCEPTIONS OF PARTNER'S BEHAVIOURS
attributional conflict
62
attributional conflict
agree on WHAT happened, but not on WHY it happened
"you left and stayed out late with your friends because you wanted to punish me"
versus
"I just wanted to clear my head"
63
what is attributional conflict fuelled by?
1. actor-observer difference
2. self-serving biases (ie. minimizing self-blame, minimizing impact on victim)
64
mindreading
one's tendency to ASSUME they UNDERSTAND their partner's thoughts, feelings, opinions without asking
^ unhappy partners tend to read unpleasant/hostile motives instead of neutral/positive ones
^ attributions of harmful intent are particularly detrimental
65
what types of attributions are particularly detrimental?
attributions of harmful intent
66
cognitive practice that happy couples engage in
COGNITIVE EDITING
respond only to constructive portions of partner's comment
ignore the negative
^ prevents escalation & helps re-focus on the issue at hand
67
what does cognitive editing prevent?
prevents escalation
helps re-focus on issue at hand
68
several broad patterns of behaviour that can disrupt cycle of negativity
and facilitate more constructive discussion
1. calm down
2. listen and speak constructively and non-defensively
3. validate your partner
4. challenge your mindset
69
why is calming down essential?
it prevents flooding, defensiveness, stonewalling, belligerence
70
learn to recognize when you're feeling overwhelmed & take a time out
1. LET PARTNER KNOW you aren't shutting them out
2. DON'T spend time out REHEARSING vengeful or distress-maintaining thought
3. try to REFRAME thoughts more positively
ie. "they're super upset right now, but this isn't a personal attack", "I'm upset right now but we have a good relationship and I love them"
71
what 2 things trigger defensiveness?
1. criticisms (personal attacks on partner's character)
2. contempt
72
how to speak more constructively
1. behaviour description: voice complaints by focusing on DISCRETE, MANAGEABLE behaviours
(avoid words like always and never)
2. I-STATEMENTS: descriptions of your feelings
3. XYZ STATEMENTS: combine behaviour descriptions and I-statements
("when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z")
4. avoid DOMINEERING and BELLIGERENT speech
("when I want your opinion, I'll let you know" or "What do you want now?")
73
instead of saying "you're so insensitive, you never want to see me, it's like we're not even in a relationship anymore", SAY
"I felt so left out when you spent the entire weekend hanging out with your friends"
74
active listening
listen in order to UNDERSTAND what your partner is saying (not in order to criticize your partner)
don't mindread
avoid displaying negative nonverbal behaviour while you're listening
75
active listening: instead of mindreading...
1. PARAPHRASE their message to make sure you understood them correctly
2. practice PERCEPTION CHECKING to make sure you're inferring your partner's feelings correctly
76
backchannel communications
part of active listening
things like NODDING, saying "yeah", "uh-huh", "I see" can communicate that you're trying to understand your partner
77
validation
try to UNDERSTAND & EMPATHIZE with the feelings behind your partner's communications
understanding the other's point of view & taking it seriously DOESN'T MEAN YOU AGREE
but validation communicates RESPECT & CARE for your partner, which de-escalates situation and promotes open, constructive dialogue
78
validation techniques
1. put yourself in partner's shoes
2. take 3rd party perspective
3. take responsibility for your actions
5. avoid yes-butting when acknowledging your partner's POV
79
challenging your mindset
instead of rehearsing thoughts related to victimhood & righteous indignation...
examine how you contribute to the negative dynamics in your relationship
80
challenging your mindset - demand-withdraw pattern example
as DEMANDER, your CRITICISMS and attempts to CONTROL your partner are threatening them and pushing them away
as WITHDRAWER, your STONEWALLING and turning away from partner thwarts their needs & leads them to escalate the conflict
81
others way of challenging your mindset
1. remember WHAT YOU LIKE about your partner
^ push back against tendency to rewrite history (memory bias)
2. communicate POSITIVE REGARD & ADMIRATION for your partner
3. instead of seeing argument as a way to retaliate or exert control over your partner, think of a way you can IMPROVE BOTH your outcomes
4. try to foster OPTIMISM about the problem
82
importance of self control
successful conflict management requires self-control
factors that WEAKEN INHIBITIONS or STRAIN COGNITIVE RESOURCES (alcohol, stress, lack of sleep):
- increase irritability
- decrease perspective-taking
- make a destructive response more likely
83
John Gottman recommends...
scheduling a time to politely air out grievances
addressing issues PRE-EMPTIVELY when we're FEELING CALM may help avoid the disastrous combo of provocation & low self-control
84
conclusions
1. conflict in interdependent relationships is inevitable
2. fighting isn't necessarily destructive (letting resentments fester may undermine personal & relationship wellbeing)
3. we have a choice in how to respond to conflict
4. when raising an issue: be specific, stay focused on issue at hand, avoid kitchen sinking and don't go negative
5. when partner raises an issue: don't withdraw, listen attentively & make an effort to understand their POV
6. communicate care & respect for partner
