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Psyc 474 > Nov 5 > Flashcards

Nov 5 Flashcards

1
Q

conflict arises when…

A

one individual’s pursuit of their GOALS INTERFERES with the other person’s goals

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2
Q

conflict is inevitable in interdependent relationships…

A

because our outcomes are affected by the actions of the other person

  1. any two individuals will occasionally differ in their:
    a) motives
    b) beliefs
    c) opinions
    and these incompatibilities create conflict
  2. runs the gamut from MINOR (which movie to watch) to MAJOR (how to raise children)
  3. even in generally compatible couples, incompatibilities will occasionally arise
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3
Q

2 competing motives which are constantly in flux

A

AUTONOMY versus CONNECTION

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4
Q

what do couples disagree on?

A

from most to least frequent

  1. children
  2. chores
  3. communication
  4. leisure
  5. work
  6. money
  7. habits
  8. relatives
  9. commitment
  10. intimacy
  11. friends
  12. personality
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5
Q

sources of conflict are diverse, but instigating events can be grouped into ____ general categories

A

four

  1. criticism
  2. illegitimate demands
  3. rebuffs
  4. cumulative annoyances
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6
Q

conflict category: criticism

A

verbal or nonverbal acts that COMMUNICATE DISSATISFACTION with partner

particularly problematic when perceived as unfair

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7
Q

conflict category: illegitimate demands

A

requests that are EXCESSIVE and that seem UNJUST

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8
Q

conflict category: rebuffs

A

occur when one is DENIED a DESIRED REACTION

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9
Q

conflict category: cumulative annoyances

A

relatively TRIVIAL events that BECOME IRRITATING with repetition (“social allergens”)

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10
Q

conflicts don’t have to be…

A

destructive

HOW we disagree during conflict is more important than WHETHER we disagree or WHAT we disagree about

(although some topics are more challenging)

can exercise CONTROL over our actions (even if it’s very hard)

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11
Q

validating couples look like…

A

“we strive to STAY CALM when we’re fighting. we VALUE each other’s OPINIONS, and we VALIDATE each other even when we disagree and have to exert some SELF CONTROL to stay cool as we seek a COMPROMISE”

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12
Q

3 types of couples that successfully navigate conflict

A
  1. validating
  2. volatile
  3. conflict-avoiding
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13
Q

validating couples

A

compromise often

work out problems to mutual satisfaction

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14
Q

volatile couples

A

frequent, passionate conflict

tempered by positive affect (humour, displays of fondness)

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15
Q

conflict-avoiding couples

A

agree to disagree

avoid conflict head on

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16
Q

volatile couples look like…

A

“we have passionate arguments that are sometimes loud and volcanic, but our relationship remains warm and loving because we make up with a lot of laughter and affection”

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17
Q

conflict-avoiding couples look like…

A

“we avoid fights. discussions of disagreements can just make things worse, so we often “agree to disagree” and wait for problems to work themselves out”

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18
Q

volatile, validating and conflict-avoiding couples can all be…

A

stable

but will work only to the extent that they MAINTAIN the golden 5:1 RATIO between positive and negative interactions

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19
Q

least stable kind of couple

A

hostile

characterized by high levels of hostility

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20
Q

subtypes of hostile relationships

A
  1. ENGAGED subtype: attempt to address disagreements, but do so badly

^ argue OFTEN & INTENSELY

^ insults, name-calling, put-downs etc

  1. DETACHED subtype: let disagreements fester, are emotionally detached

^ although with occasional bouts of sniping

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21
Q

4 horsemen of the apocalypse

A
  1. criticism
  2. contempt
  3. defensiveness
  4. stonewalling

four hostile dynamics that don’t bode well for relationships

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22
Q

exchanges of unhappy couples characterized by…

A

more NEGATIVE AFFECT and less positive affect

10 times more likely to use negative tone of voice

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23
Q

is expression of negative emotions always bad for relationships?

A

(negative emotions like anger, hurt, sadness)

not always

can actually increase closeness

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24
Q

criticism

A

one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse

attacking PERSONALITY or character rather than airing out disagreements by focusing on SPECIFIC behaviour

more likely to put partner on the defensive

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25
Q

contempt

A

MOST DESTRUCTIVE of the four horsemen of the apocalypse

criticism coupled with SCORN & DISGUST & SENSE OF SUPERIORITY

includes insults, name calling, hostile humour, mocking, non-verbal cues of disgust (sneering)

LOSS of ADMIRATION for partner

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26
Q

stonewalling

A

one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse

WITHDRAWING and DISENGAGING from meaningful conversation with the partner

^ removing oneself from convo, not responding or offering monosyllabic responses, ignoring partner

PROVOCATIVE & DESTRUCTIVE - conveys disapproval, creates distance, precludes resolution

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27
Q

defensiveness

A

one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse

PROTECTING against the attack by:

  1. DENYING responsibility
  2. making EXCUSES

cross-complaining, yes-butting

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28
Q

example of criticism

A

“I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash, AGAIN. you’re so lazy!”

versus

“I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash”

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29
Q

distinction between criticism and

A

complaining

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30
Q

shift from complaining to criticism often occurs if…

A

complaints are not addressed

(due to poor communication and/or unwillingness)

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31
Q

unlike complaints, criticisms…

A

tend to be GENERALIZATIONS

“you always/never…”

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32
Q

kitchen sinking

A

bundling complaints

similar effect to criticism of partner’s personality because it seems so OVERWHELMING and PERVASIVE

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33
Q

kitchen sinking results in…

A

conversation drifting OFF BEAM

wander from topic to topic without resolving anything

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34
Q

contempt includes…

A

scorn, disgust, sense of superiority

insults, name-calling, hostile humour, mocking, nonverbal cues of disgust

35
Q

feelings underlying contempt

A

disgust and negativity towards partner

see them as stupid, disgusting, incompetent, foolish

36
Q

defensiveness includes protecting agains the attack by…

A
  1. making excuses (“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d blow it out of proportion)
  2. denying responsibility (“I didn’t say anything wrong”)
37
Q

2 subtypes of defensiveness

A
  1. cross-complaining
  2. yes-butting

^ repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other is saying

^ playing the victim, whining

38
Q

cross-complaining example

A

I hate how you always leave junk in my car

well, maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with your car you would clean up around the house for once!

39
Q

yes-butting example

A

we could try that but it would never work

yeah, i did that but i don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of it

40
Q

defensiveness is understandable when… but…

A

understandable reaction when feeling beleaguered

BUT it obstructs communication and tends to ESCALATE rather than de-escalate conflict

engenders feelings of TENSION and PREVENTS partners from HEARING and understanding each other

41
Q

stonewalling is _________ & _________, conveys ________, creates _________ and precludes _________

A

is PROVOCATIVE & DESTRUCTIVE

conveys DISAPPROVAL

creates DISTANCE

precludes RESOLUTION

42
Q

flooding

A

sense of being OVERWHELMED by NEGATIVE EMOTION and strong PHYSIOLOGICAL AROUSAL

43
Q

what does flooding impede?

A

CONSTRUCTIVE discussion

leads to hostility, defensiveness, withdrawal

44
Q

with chronic flooding…

A

hyper-vigilance for signs of attack

immersion in distress-maintaining thoughts

statements like “we need to talk” immediately put partner on the defensive

45
Q

demand/withdraw pattern

A

destructive pattern of conflict

one person PRESSES the issues

while the other WITHDRAWS and AVOIDS discussing the issues

CYCLICAL PATTERN: the more the demander pushes, the more the withdrawer retreats

46
Q

demand/withdraw pattern: because arguments are left unsettled…

A

leads to SERIAL ARGUING

linked to PERSONAL and RELATIONSHIP distress

47
Q

gender and demand/withdraw pattern

A

MEN more likely to be WITHDRAWERS/STONEWALLERS

WOMEN more likely to be DEMANDERS

pattern seen cross-culturally

48
Q

3 explanations for the demand/withdraw pattern

A
  1. biological perspective
  2. differences in socialization
  3. differences in power
49
Q

biological perspective explanation: demand/withdraw pattern

A

MEN experience stronger & longer-lasting PHYSIOLOGICAL STRESS response during conflict

^ more prone to FLOODING

^ more reactive to conflict

50
Q

differences in socialization explanation: demand/withdraw pattern

A
  1. BOYS socialized to HIDE & SUPPRESS emotions

^ to focus on pursuing AUTONOMOUS GOALS

  1. GIRLS socialized to EXPRESS feelings

^ to focus on RELATIONSHIPS & fostering INTIMACY/CLOSENESS

^ receive more SUPPORT when expressing emotions

51
Q

differences in power explanation: demand/withdraw pattern

A

the PERSON WHO WANTS CHANGE is in LOW POWER position

^ must rely on the other to create change

the person who BENEFITS from STATUS QUO holds the power

women tend to desire more change in relationship than men, puts them in low-power role in heterosexual relationships

52
Q

demand/withdraw pattern: comparison of heterosexual, gay & lesbian couples

A

if something essential about men versus women, wouldn’t expect to see demand/withdraw asymmetry in gay & lesbian couples

MIXED FINDINGS

  1. some have found NO DIFF in overall levels of demand/withdraw behaviour or asymmetry between couple types
  2. others have found that women demand more and men withdraw more regardless of couple type
  3. regardless of gender, person who wants change (low power) demands, and the more powerful person (invested in status quo) withdraws
53
Q

cycle of negativity: first ___ mins of convo…

A

first THREE mins of convo SET THE TONE

can be used to PREDICT subsequent divorce with 96% accuracy

HARSH STARTUP: leading discussion with criticism or contempt

54
Q

first __ mins of conflict convo can be used to predict divorce with __ accuracy

A

three mins

96% accuracy

55
Q

what couples are more likely to reciprocate negativity?

A

unhappy, risky couples

NEGATIVE AFFECT RECIPROCITY: negative emotions are met with negative emotions

meet negative behaviours with defensiveness, stonewalling

56
Q

negative affect reciprocity

A

negative emotions are met with negative emotions

57
Q

accommodation

A

willingness to respond to DESTRUCTIVE acts with CONSTRUCTIVE responses

BREAKS the cycle of negativity

even happy couples sometimes engage in negative behaviours, but are better able to keep negativity from spiralling out of control

58
Q

accommodation is characteristic of…

A

committed couples

59
Q

what breaks the cycle of negativity?

A

accommodation

60
Q

what does accommodation begin with?

A

the way we think about partner’s behaviour

61
Q

role of cognition in conflict

A

while the way we behave during disagreement is important, so are our PERCEPTIONS OF PARTNER’S BEHAVIOURS

attributional conflict

62
Q

attributional conflict

A

agree on WHAT happened, but not on WHY it happened

“you left and stayed out late with your friends because you wanted to punish me”

versus

“I just wanted to clear my head”

63
Q

what is attributional conflict fuelled by?

A
  1. actor-observer difference
  2. self-serving biases (ie. minimizing self-blame, minimizing impact on victim)
64
Q

mindreading

A

one’s tendency to ASSUME they UNDERSTAND their partner’s thoughts, feelings, opinions without asking

^ unhappy partners tend to read unpleasant/hostile motives instead of neutral/positive ones

^ attributions of harmful intent are particularly detrimental

65
Q

what types of attributions are particularly detrimental?

A

attributions of harmful intent

66
Q

cognitive practice that happy couples engage in

A

COGNITIVE EDITING

respond only to constructive portions of partner’s comment

ignore the negative

^ prevents escalation & helps re-focus on the issue at hand

67
Q

what does cognitive editing prevent?

A

prevents escalation

helps re-focus on issue at hand

68
Q

several broad patterns of behaviour that can disrupt cycle of negativity

A

and facilitate more constructive discussion

  1. calm down
  2. listen and speak constructively and non-defensively
  3. validate your partner
  4. challenge your mindset
69
Q

why is calming down essential?

A

it prevents flooding, defensiveness, stonewalling, belligerence

70
Q

learn to recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed & take a time out

A
  1. LET PARTNER KNOW you aren’t shutting them out
  2. DON’T spend time out REHEARSING vengeful or distress-maintaining thought
  3. try to REFRAME thoughts more positively

ie. “they’re super upset right now, but this isn’t a personal attack”, “I’m upset right now but we have a good relationship and I love them”

71
Q

what 2 things trigger defensiveness?

A
  1. criticisms (personal attacks on partner’s character)
  2. contempt
72
Q

how to speak more constructively

A
  1. behaviour description: voice complaints by focusing on DISCRETE, MANAGEABLE behaviours

(avoid words like always and never)

  1. I-STATEMENTS: descriptions of your feelings
  2. XYZ STATEMENTS: combine behaviour descriptions and I-statements

(“when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z”)

  1. avoid DOMINEERING and BELLIGERENT speech

(“when I want your opinion, I’ll let you know” or “What do you want now?”)

73
Q

instead of saying “you’re so insensitive, you never want to see me, it’s like we’re not even in a relationship anymore”, SAY

A

“I felt so left out when you spent the entire weekend hanging out with your friends”

74
Q

active listening

A

listen in order to UNDERSTAND what your partner is saying (not in order to criticize your partner)

don’t mindread

avoid displaying negative nonverbal behaviour while you’re listening

75
Q

active listening: instead of mindreading…

A
  1. PARAPHRASE their message to make sure you understood them correctly
  2. practice PERCEPTION CHECKING to make sure you’re inferring your partner’s feelings correctly
76
Q

backchannel communications

A

part of active listening

things like NODDING, saying “yeah”, “uh-huh”, “I see” can communicate that you’re trying to understand your partner

77
Q

validation

A

try to UNDERSTAND & EMPATHIZE with the feelings behind your partner’s communications

understanding the other’s point of view & taking it seriously DOESN’T MEAN YOU AGREE

but validation communicates RESPECT & CARE for your partner, which de-escalates situation and promotes open, constructive dialogue

78
Q

validation techniques

A
  1. put yourself in partner’s shoes
  2. take 3rd party perspective
  3. take responsibility for your actions
  4. avoid yes-butting when acknowledging your partner’s POV
79
Q

challenging your mindset

A

instead of rehearsing thoughts related to victimhood & righteous indignation…

examine how you contribute to the negative dynamics in your relationship

80
Q

challenging your mindset - demand-withdraw pattern example

A

as DEMANDER, your CRITICISMS and attempts to CONTROL your partner are threatening them and pushing them away

as WITHDRAWER, your STONEWALLING and turning away from partner thwarts their needs & leads them to escalate the conflict

81
Q

others way of challenging your mindset

A
  1. remember WHAT YOU LIKE about your partner

^ push back against tendency to rewrite history (memory bias)

  1. communicate POSITIVE REGARD & ADMIRATION for your partner
  2. instead of seeing argument as a way to retaliate or exert control over your partner, think of a way you can IMPROVE BOTH your outcomes
  3. try to foster OPTIMISM about the problem
82
Q

importance of self control

A

successful conflict management requires self-control

factors that WEAKEN INHIBITIONS or STRAIN COGNITIVE RESOURCES (alcohol, stress, lack of sleep):
- increase irritability
- decrease perspective-taking
- make a destructive response more likely

83
Q

John Gottman recommends…

A

scheduling a time to politely air out grievances

addressing issues PRE-EMPTIVELY when we’re FEELING CALM may help avoid the disastrous combo of provocation & low self-control

84
Q

conclusions

A
  1. conflict in interdependent relationships is inevitable
  2. fighting isn’t necessarily destructive (letting resentments fester may undermine personal & relationship wellbeing)
  3. we have a choice in how to respond to conflict
  4. when raising an issue: be specific, stay focused on issue at hand, avoid kitchen sinking and don’t go negative
  5. when partner raises an issue: don’t withdraw, listen attentively & make an effort to understand their POV
  6. communicate care & respect for partner

Psyc 474 (23 decks)

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