Nov 21 Flashcards

1
Q

mechanisms for relationship repair, maintenance and growth

A

seeing partner as part of yourself (self-other overlap, cognitive interdependence)

positive illusions & perceived superiority

inattention to and derogation of attractive alternatives

willingness to sacrifice

gratitude

accommodation

communal strength

approach motivation

self-disclosure

responsiveness

forgiveness

play/self-expanding activities

provision of safe haven and secure base support

therapy

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2
Q

3 mechanisms for repair, maintenance & growth focused on in this lecture

A
  1. forgiveness
  2. play/self-expanding activities
  3. provision of safe haven and secure base support
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3
Q

forgiveness

A

transformation of motivation away from thinking, feeling & behaving negatively (ie. retaliating, withdrawing) after suffering transgression

2 components

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4
Q

2 components of forgiveness

A
  1. decrease in negativity
  2. increase in benevolence/goodwill towards the transgressor
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5
Q

forgiveness isn’t the same as…

A

accepting, excusing or condoning the offence

beliefs that these requisite factors are barriers to forgiveness

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6
Q

forgiveness makes what more likely?

A

reconciliation

but it doesn’t require reconciliation - can forgive someone but still end the relationship

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7
Q

predictive factors for forgiveness: victim-related

A

+ empathy

+ attachment security

neuroticism

+ agreeableness

+ self-control

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8
Q

forgiveness victim-related factors: empathy

A

perspective taking

shift from dispositional to situational attributions

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9
Q

forgiveness victim-related factors: attachment security

A

less likely to ruminate about transgression

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10
Q

forgiveness victim-related factors: neuroticism

A

stronger negative emotional reactions to transgressions

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11
Q

forgiveness victim-related factors: agreeableness

A

trust, desire for harmony, compassion

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12
Q

forgiveness victim-related factors: self-control

A

allows inhibition of rumination and destructive responses

shift focus to long-term relationship goals

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13
Q

protective factors for forgiveness: relationship-related factors

A

+ COMMITMENT, CLOSENESS & SATISFACTION

^ greater value placed on relationship

^ transformation of motivation (from acting based on self-interest to acting based on preferences for joint outcomes) that comes with greater interdependence

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14
Q

predictive factors for forgiveness: transgressor-related factors

A

+ expressions of REMORSE

+ authentic APOLOGIES

+ making AMENDS

^ increases empathy towards transgressor

^ signals that one is unlikely to transgress again

^ COSTLY APOLOGIES may further lower perceived risk of future transgressions

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15
Q

predictive factors for forgiveness: transgression-related factors

A
  • perceived SEVERITY

^ subjective perceptions of harm

  • perceived RESPONSIBILITY

^ important determining future risk

  • perceived INTENT

^ harder to forgive transgressions perceived as intentional

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16
Q

forgiveness outcomes

A
  1. boosts to RELATIONAL wellbeing
  2. boosts to PERSONAL wellbeing
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17
Q

forgiveness: boosts to relational wellbeing

A
  1. greater CONFLICT RESOLUTION as perceived by both parties

^ unresolved transgressions may spill over into future conflicts (kitchen sinking)

  1. decreased likelihood of FUTURE TRANSGRESSIONS

^ if victims & transgressors agree on severity of offence

  1. greater COMMITMENT & SATISFACTION
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18
Q

caveat to decreased likelihood of future transgressions after forgiveness

A

forgiveness positively associated with PSYCHOLOGICAL & PHYSICAL AGGRESSION in longitudinal research

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19
Q

forgiveness: boosts to personal wellbeing

A
  1. decreases in STRESS system activation

^ lower blood pressure, stress hormone levels, subjective stress, anxiety, depression

^ forgiveness conceptualized as an EMOTIONAL COPING STRATEGY that removes the emotional burden caused by transgression

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20
Q

giovanni giraldi quote

A

“the history of a love affair is the drama of its fight against time”

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21
Q

intensity of intimacy, commitment & passion across time

A

intimacy and closeness get higher and then stay high consistently

passion increases, steadies at 2 years, and then drops

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22
Q

declines in passion

A

passion & sexual desire typically fade within first 2 years of relationship

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23
Q

consequence to declines in passion

A
  1. lower desire linked to less relationship satisfaction, thoughts about leaving relationship, higher rates infidelity
  2. divorce in low-conflict marriages especially likely to negatively affect wellbeing of partners and children
  3. passionate love predicts personal well-being & life satisfaction
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24
Q

lower desire linked to less relationship…

A
  1. LESS relationship SATISFACTION
  2. thoughts about LEAVING relationship
  3. higher rates of INFIDELITY
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25
low desire is one of the leading reasons...
1. why couples seek COUNSELLING 2. almost HALF of DIVORCES arise from low-conflict, relatively happy marriages 3. marital BOREDOM is one of the leading causes for seeking divorce
26
passion and desire aroused most by ______ & _______, attachment & commitment reinforced most by ________ & ________
passion and desire aroused most by NOVELTY & RISK attachment and commitment reinforced most by FAMILIARITY & SECURITY
27
passion - early on in relationship
1. partner is a MYSTERY, constant SURPRISES, sense of UNCERTAINTY 2. lack of knowledge leaves room for FANTASY 3. rapid SELF-EXPANSION & growth of INTIMACY
28
passion - in long-term relationship
1. declines in EFFORT 2. sense of NOVELTY & UNCERTAINTY has faded 3. SELF-EXPANSION has stalled 4. HEDONIC ADAPTATION 5. shift from passionate to COMPANIONATE LOVE may be interpreted as unhappiness
29
hedonic adaptation
HABITUATION to new circumstances feelings of passion driven by subjective perception of INCREASING INTIMACY (not just high intimacy)
30
maintaining passion: despite the average trends...
the good news is that declines in sexual desire are not INEVITABLE or UNIVERSAL 1 out of 3 people report that the passion in their relationship has stayed constant over time
31
among older adults between ages 65-80, __% describe their sex life as ___________
74% satisfying
32
age-related declines in sexual desire are significantly smaller for...
people in BETTER relationships partner responsiveness increases desire
33
buffer to age-related declines in sexual desire
partner responsiveness
34
to maintain satisfaction and passion, need to...
engage in activities that enable us to KEEP expanding our sense of self SELF EXPANDING ACTIVITIES ^ new, exciting, effortful
35
self expansion in daily in life study
couples (avg relationship duration 5 years) filled out DAILY DIARY for 28 days rated: 1. relationship satisfaction 2. sexual activity 3. sexual desire measures of self-expansion: "how much did being with your partner expand your sense of the kind of person you are?" "how much did being with your partner result result in you having new experiences?"
36
self expansion in daily life study quotes
"we went on a road trip today and sang a lot" "we took a ballroom dance class" "we played beer pong" "we had a super intense disagreement and then it turned around. it was a huge opportunity for growth" "I took [my partner] to an oyster farm which she had never been to, we shucked oysters for the very first time" "she taught how to make cherry pie"
37
self expansion in daily life study results
more daily self-expansion predicted... 1. higher sexual DESIRE 2. 36% more likely to have sex 3. more SATISFIED with their relationship similar results obtained in experimental studies
38
shared self-expanding activities study setup
married couples assigned to participate in either: 1. EXCITING (ie. hiking, going to a concert) 2. PLEASANT (ie. dining out) 3. NO ADDITIONAL ACTIVITIES (ie. control) for 1.5 hours/week for 10 weeks
39
shared self-expanding activities study results
greater INCREASE in relationship satisfaction in EXCITING activity group relative to the other 2 groups pleasant activity and control groups both had no effects on relationship satisfaction
40
shared self-expanding activities lab study
1 of 2 activities MUNDANE BUT PLEASANT NOVEL & CHALLENGING greater increase in satisfaction & love in novel condition
41
why do exciting activities increase satisfaction/love/desire?
not about pleasantness of activities novel & challenging > mundane & pleasant maybe due to misattribution of arousal - but not the whole story
42
key to exciting activities increasing satisfaction/love/desire
NOVEL and CHALLENGING experiences that promote SELF-EXPANSION
43
misattribution of arousal in relation to novel activities and increases in satisfaction/love/desire
misattribution of arousal isn't the whole story physiological arousal alone isn't enough to PRODUCE SELF-EXPANSION self-expanding activities don't need to be physically arousing
44
do self-expanding activities need to be physically arousing?
no
45
self-expansion promotes...
1. closeness & intimacy ^ which in turn promotes ROMANTIC PASSION 2. while closeness is important, may also benefit from sense of OTHERNESS ^ sense of seperate-ness from the other ^ novel activities allow us to DISCOVER something NEW or SURPRISING about the partner ^ causes us to VALUE unique contributions they make to the relationship
46
both increased __________ & ___________ mediate the relationship between self-expansion and higher desire
CLOSENESS & OTHERNESS
47
personal self-expansion
experiences that don't directly involve one's partner
48
does personal self-expansion lead to growing closer together or drifting further apart?
daily diary studies 1. WITHIN-PERSON INCREASES in DAILY personal self-expansion associated with GREATER passion ^ mediated by positive emotions 2. HIGH BETWEEN-PERSON levels of self-expansion associated with LOWER passion ^ mediated by decreased intimacy ^ so people who experienced more self-expansion overall during course of study = lower passion ^ growing in ways that don't involve partner
49
within-person increases in daily self-expansion increasing passion is mediated by...
positive emotions
50
personal self-expansion may be a double-edged sword
associated with BETTER PERSONAL WELLBEING and increased sense of COMPETENCE short-term increases in self-expansion promote ROMANTIC PASSION, but SUSTAINED increases may lead to reductions in intimacy and romantic passion
51
short-term increases in self-expansion promote romantic passion, but...
sustained increases may lead to REDUCTIONS in intimacy and romantic passion
52
perceived social support buffers...
1. against harmful effects of STRESS 2. associated with greater feelings of LOVE, CLOSENESS & better relationship quality EMOTIONAL SUPPORT is particularly beneficial
53
some studies show null or even negative effects of social support on adjustment - why?
1. may signal that RECIPIENT CAN'T COPE with stressor (damaging to self-worth) 2. may be perceived as INTRUSIVE (interferes with sense of personal autonomy)
54
invisible support
support that goes UNNOTICED by the recipient but NEVERTHELESS exerts positive effects on the recipient
55
invisible support: daily diary study setup
couples where one partner was preparing for the New York State Bar Examination partners: reported DAILY PROVISIONS of emotional support examinees: reported DAILY RECEPTION of emotional support & emotional distress
56
invisible support: daily diary study results
reports of support PROVISION associated with examinees' DECREASES in DEPRESSION while reports of RECEIPT associated with INCREASES ^ most beneficial condition when support was PROVIDED but NOT NOTICED by recipient (invisible support)
57
invisible practical support increases...
NEXT DAY relationship satisfaction
58
potential costs of invisible practical support?
1. if invisible support ISN'T CODED as support, may not perceive partner as being responsive ^ negative effects on partner? (recall research on MISSED SACRIFICES
59
effectiveness of both visible and invisible support depends on...
level of RESPONSIVENESS support works best when it makes partner feel UNDERSTOOD, VALIDATED, CARED FOR (sometimes there's a clear mismatch between what one partner is trying to do to support the stressed partner, and what the partner actually wants/needs)
60
what happens when partner feel that their relatedness needs are met?
(relatedness needs: needs to be LOVED, CARED FOR, ACCEPTED) both ATTACHMENT ANXIETY and AVOIDANCE decrease over time
61
capitalization
deriving ADDITIONAL BENEFIT from positive events by SHARING THEM with others
62
capitalization in daily diary studies
SHARING NEWS of positive event with others leads to boost in positive affect over & above effect of positive event itself
63
ability to derive personal & relational benefits from capitalization depends on...
perceptions of partner's responsiveness responses can be characterized as: 1. ACTIVE versus PASSIVE 2. CONSTRUCTIVE versus DESTRUCTIVE
64
partner's responsiveness can be characterized as...
1. active vs passive 2. constructive vs destructive
65
active constructive response
"I got into grad school" "babe, that's amazing! congrats. I know how hard you've worked to get here! what kind of projects are you going to be working on?"
66
passive constructive response
"I got into grad school!" "that's nice, sweetie!"
67
active destructive response
"I got into grad school!" "wow, so you're going to be spending the next 5-7 years working 60+ hours/week for basically no pay?"
68
passive destructive response
"I got into grad school!" "can you pass me the salt?"
69
what types of responses are associated with relationship wellbeing?
ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE = positively associated with relationship wellbeing PASSIVE CONSTRUCTIVE and both types of DESTRUCTIVE = negatively associated with relationship wellbeing
70
why are active constructive responses positively linked to relationship wellbeing?
convey RESPONSIVENESS and signal CLOSENESS (if we're close, I feel good when good things happen to you)
71
why are active constructive responses important?
experience more positive than negative events fewer risks involved in positive disclosures - may be way of SAFELY TESTING partner's responsiveness before trusting them with negative disclosures
72
secure base support
support for a relationship partner's AUTONOMOUS EXPLORATION
73
3 key components of secure base support
1. being AVAILABLE in case base is needed 2. NOT INTERFERING with exploration 3. being ENCOURAGING & ACCEPTING of exploration
74
secure base support provision is associated with...
1. more willingness to explore 2. greater persistence 3. boosts in self esteem 4. more willingness to accept help from partner 5. more positive affect towards partner 6. greater relationship satisfaction 7. decreases in attachment security
75
michelangelo phenomenon
by affirming and supporting our aspirations, our partners help us reach our ideal selves