Clean Jokes Flashcards
Know more quick and easy jokes. You will be knocking the crowd dead in no time.
What is a synonym?
A word you use for others when you can’t spell other ones.
Which is correct: yolks of eggs are white, or yolks of eggs is white?
Neither because yolks are yellow!
Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?
He wanted to watch time fly.
Where does a wasp go to the bathroom?
At a BP station
How does a crazy person go through a forest?
They take the psycho path
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled Milk
What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody’s Fool
What does the sign on the door of a maternity ward at a hospital say?
Push! Push! Push!
Why do they always lock the bathrooms at gas stations?
They are scared someone might clean them!
Why did the child study in the airplane?
He wanted a higher education.
Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy.
Why did mickey mouse take a trip to outer space?
Because he wanted to find Pluto
What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What goes up when rain comes down?
An umbrella.
Why is it so difficult to play a game of Uno with foreigners?
Because they always go for the green card.
Why are scuba divers always scoring low grades?
Because they are below C-level.
Why should men avoid the letter a?
Because it makes men mean.
What do ufo’s and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.
If a brunette and a blonde are thrown off a building,who will land first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations
Why will we never get rid of math teachers?
Because they always multiply.
If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea . . .
then does that mean one enjoys it?.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary . . . .
where did he find the words?
Do you say prayers before eating?
No, thank god I don’t have to, my mom is an amazing cook.
If you lose your dog, why shouldn’t you place an ad in the newspaper?
Dogs can’t read.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What did the blonde do when she missed the 66 number bus?
She took the 33 number bus twice.
Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
Sunday; Monday is a WEAK-day.
Why did the blonde stand in front of her mirror with her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she would look like sleeping.
Why won’t televisions ever take the place of newspapers?
Because you can’t wrap food in a television.
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children is enough.
If you have five apples, and the student next to you take three of those apples, what will you have?
A fight.
How were the exam questions?
They were easy but I had trouble with the answers
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Why do you take your wife to night clubs?
By the time she gets ready, no other place is open.
Who’s the leader of the hankies?
The hankerchief.
What happened to the paper shop uptown?
It blew away!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Why did tigger have no friends?
Because he played with Pooh
What is a lottery?
A tax on people who are bad at math.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A head banger
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
How do a blonde’s brain cells die?
Alone
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
How do you make a kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it
What do you call two Spaniards playing basketball?
Juan-on-Juan
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
What 8 letters can you find in water?
H to O.
Did you hear sky sports just got the rights for the origami world cup?
Its going to be paper view.
Did you hear about the crosseyed teacher?
He couldn’t control his pupils.
What fruits always come in two?
Pears
Why did the wife hit the husband with a chair?
Because she couldn’t lift the table.
Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?
I have been married to him for 10 years, now I should make him happy?
Why should you treat your children well?
They will pick out your nursing home one day.
If it’s God’s responsibility to forgive Bin Laden, what is our responsibility?
To arrange the meeting.
What did one magnet say to another?
I’m attracted to you
What do you call a ship at the bottom of the sea that’s shaking?
A nervous wreck
What did the rug say to the floor?
I’ve got you covered.
Why do people in Arkansas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because 17 and under isn’t allowed.
What do you have when you have a deer with no eyes?
I have no I-Deer.
Why don’t aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A liar.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
What did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?
A LOCO-motive.
What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A FSH
How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?
Do you see any rabbits wearing glasses?
Two peanuts walk into a bar . . .
One is a salted.
Where does a one legged waitress work?
The I-Hop
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
What do you get when you cross a patch of poison ivy with a 4 leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife sleep?
Because of his Coffin
What is a celebrity?
A person who works hard all their life towards being known, and once they are known, they wear dark glasses to be avoided.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter
What’s the difference between mother & wife?
One woman brings into the world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with.
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What would you call this country if everyone had a pink car?
A pink carnation!
How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?
Its a chew
Why aren’t there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?
Because there’s a Target on every corner!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was all gone?
He’s all right now
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
What would you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend?
Homeless
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them
Did you hear about the man that got his credit card stolen but decided not to report it?
The thief was spending less than his wife did
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
Is it mine?
Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a secondhand store.
What did the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do last night?
He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Nice belt !
Why was the 6 afraid of the 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It’s called On & On Anon.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all it is already built.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
Very large hands.
How did the farmer fix his jeans ?
With a cabbage patch.
Did you ever hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was accused of buttering up his teacher.
Why is a hospital gown similar to health insurance?
Because you�re never as covered as you think you are.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened offices on the same street?
They were arch-enemies.
How are some people like slinkies?
They are not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
How smart are dolphins?
dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
What should you do when a man steals your wife?
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
There were three third graders walking down the street: a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
The blonde, she was 18.
How do you know when a blonde’s been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Doctor: Has there been any insanity in your family?
Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.
