Chapter 9 LECTURE Part 4

Question 1

asking people “who did the breaking up” may not be as simple as it sounds. it’s a lot more complicated than actually saying “women break up.”

What are a few of the complexities of the break up process?

Answer 1

1. it is hard to get reliable info about who did the breaking up.
   - in the boston study, the partners in the couples who broke up both said that they were the ones who did the breaking up
   - has a lot to do with salvaging our self-esteem. we want to be the dumper, not the dumpee.
   - may say that it is mutual.
   - gives us more of a feeling of control.
2. the person who broke up may not want to end the relationship. one partner may want the relationship to end, but the person doesn’t wanna deliver the break up speech. instead, they may jus behave so badly in the relationship that the person (who wanted the relationship to last) might just break up with them. therefore, the person might actually break up with the person “under coercion”
   - Good et al. : in the context of marriage, men are more likely to act out poorly. they dont’ wanna face the judgement of divorce on a societal level, so they treat their wives poorly so that their wives break up with them.
3. break ups are messy and cyclical – may get back together, may “take a break.”
4. break ups are not a single event. there can be a whole series of interactions to see who is actually responsible for the break up
   -ex/ partner A says : if you don’t stop doing that, I’ll leave.
   partner B says: i won’t stop
   A; bye
   - who broke up this relationship? A or B? hard to tell. it depends on what “that” was.
   - a couple will go through this interaction many times before they break up

Question 2

why do we say that we dumped the person even if we were the one who was dumped?

Answer 2

• we wanna remedy our self esteem

- wanna feel like were more in control.

Question 3

Findings in Good’s study that looked at how married men usually exit the relationship.

Answer 3

Good et al. : in the context of marriage, men are more likely to act out poorly. they dont’ wanna face the judgement of divorce on a societal level, so they treat their wives poorly so that their wives break up with them.

• that way, the husband can say to his friends “she divorced me”

Question 4

BATTAGLIA AND Colleagues determined a break up script. Out line their findings

Answer 4

• asked pts to generate the elements of break up process.
• came up with 20 steps
• the critical piece is an ordered script for a relationship dissolution.
• step 1. a lack of interest in relationship
  2. noticing other people.
  3. act distant
  4. try to work things out
  5. physical distance
  6. lack of interest in relationship
  7. consider the break up
  8. communicate the feelings
  9. try to work things out
  10. notice other people.
  11. act distant.
  12. take a break
  13. date other people
  14. talk to the person again.

ITS A VERY CYCLICAL PROCESS. it becomes kind of meaningless to ask “who broke up with who” because there was no final point.

Question 5

explain the study Lee et al 2010 that looked at the question: why do DATING relationships end?

Answer 5

• high volume meta analysis
• kept track of individual characteristics/personalities/attitudes
• kept track of relationship characteristics as a whole
• kept track of external factors (stress, environment, unemployment, family problems, moving)
• when they aggregated the findings, they found that the bulk of the action had to do with RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC FACTORS; not who you are as a person, not who they are as a person, not our environmental circumstance, but the true relationship characteristics as a whole.

3 main variables that determined how dating relationships would end:

1. feelings of love for your partner decline
2. positive illusions– we tend to idealize our partners and see our partner as amazing, we see our partner more positively than our partner sees themselves. This is actually GOOD for relationships. lack of positive illusions indicates indicates relationship malfunction.
3. commitment– if you do not feel as committed to other partner, relationship is likely to end.

Question 6

explain the study by Houston et al 2009 that looked at the question: why do MARITAL relationships end?

Answer 6

• looked at newly wed couples
• followed for 13 years (longitudinal)
• gathered data on each partner’s personality (individual characteristics), gathered data about their courtship before marriage, looked at dynamics of their relationshiP (relationship characteristics)
• which couples stayed together and which divorced?
• at the end of 13 years, when the looked at who’s happily married and who isn’t, the people who were happily married were more DEEPLY in love with their partner when they first got married.
• don’t mean over the top infatuation, just healthy deep love and commitment.
• NOT predicting of divorce–deep love is a predictor of happiness in a marriage

Question 7

T/F: intense love for their partner as newly weds indicate happy marriage

Answer 7

false. extreme infatuation at beginning of marriage are more likely to be unhappy 13 years down the road

Question 8

T/F: predictors of happiness are the same predictors of divorce

Answer 8

false.

Question 9

predictor of divorce

Answer 9

1. -you perceive your partner is less RESPONSIVE to you than when you first started getting married.
   - started having feelings of marriage conflict
   - promotes divorce
2. in the first year of marriage, is there a STEEP DROP of physical contact, that was a strong predictor that down the road your marriage is not going to last.
   - these create feelings of ambivalence and disillusionment.

Question 10

who suffers more during a breakup? Why?

Answer 10

men. is boston couples study, they found out that the men were more depressed after breakup. they felt more lonely, they weren’t appreciateing that they have freedom. overall, men have a harder time for both breakups and divorce.

• less likely to reach out for support
• not as intimate with friends with their personal opinions, hopes, dreams etc. they now don’t have anyone to open up with. the most intimate relationship in mens life is now ended, whereas for women, they have other intimate relationships with their friends.
• etOH use spikes more for men than women

Question 11

activity that people do when a relationship ends

Answer 11

• obsessive thoughts– trying to figure out WHY a relationship ended. they are usually desperate to come up with explanation that makes sense to them. you feel vulnerable if it doesn’t makes sense. if you don’t know how the relationship ending unfolded, then you won’t know how to prevent it next time.

Question 12

Wiess (1975) interviewed people who were married and then got divorced. when he did these in depth interviews, what did he discover?

Answer 12

obsessive thinking was a very common reaction.

• trying oto figure out why this happened. trying to weave together a narrative that makes sense
• explanation that they come up with= account
• once people settled on the story that made sense to them // have an account ( could be different from what actually happened), there is A SHARP REDUCTION IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Question 13

after obsessively thinking, the explanation that people have for the relationship ending is called an :

Answer 13

account.

Question 14

which partner tends to get over a break up faster? Why?

Answer 14

the one who wanted “out” in a relationship.
or in simplistic terms, usually the one who broke up with the other.

• in the boston couples studied, the partner that initiated more of the “leaving” in the relationship did not suffer as much because there was less 1. pain of rejection and they were not having as many 2. obsessive thinking.

Question 15

problem with obsessive thinking

Answer 15

sometimes, the explanation a person comes up with in terms of why the break up occurred is not actually the real reason for break up.

• they may apply this faulty logic to their new relationship, but that might be the wrong thing to do.

Question 16

explain BREHM (1985) continuum with respect to the ending of a relationship and getting over the relationship.

Answer 16

on one end:
- having no UNDERSTANDING or CONTROL of the relationship.

middle: some understanding. Aware of the bumpiness of the relationship, but feel like you still have NO CONTROL

on the other end: you have both UNDERSTANDing of why the break-up ended, and you have CONTROL (initiated breakup)

Brehm suggests that our reactions to the breakup follow the continuum.

• having no control or understanding of breakup = worst adjustment
• middle = better adjustment
• having complete control and understanding about why it ended = easily adjustable/ get over the break up easily.

AS YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND MAKE AN EXPALANTION TO YOURSELF AS TO WHY IT HAPPENED, YOU MOVE ALONG THE CONTINUUM AND SLOWLY GET OVER THE BREAK UP.

Question 17

How long does it take to get over a dating breakup? Explain the research by Sbara (2005)

Answer 17

• dating couples, wanted to explore how long it took to get over a break up.
• looked at uni students who got broken up with 2 weeks ago, and have been dating for at least 4 months (average dating relationship duration was 20 months)
• had pts complete qustionnaires every single day for 27 days(DAILY DIARY STUDIES)
• emotional state, howre you feeling etc.
• also had a group of participants who were currently dating CONTROL, and recorded their emotional states everyday as well

FINDIGNS

• people who had just gone through a breakup experienced more negative emotions on a daily basis
• reported less closeness to their ex partner and LESS LOVE for their ex partner.
• people are experiencing overall negative emotions
• there was sadness and ANGER that remained higher for people who have not gone through breakup
• in the first month, the sadness declined, where by the end of the first month, the person who gone through a break up did not differ significantly from the sadness of people who did not go through the break up.
• what didn’t decrease over the month was ANGER. anger remained at a high level over the course of the month
• if you stayed in a lot of contact with ex over the period, the sadness din’t drop as quickly. therefore, contacting ex made you feel sadder over the first month.
• also did not show as much love drops for ex.
• there is also more emotional VAIRABILITY IN PEOPLE WHO GOT BROKEN UP WITH
• at the end of the month, the emotions were a lot more stabilized.

therefore, within one month ,you will start to feel a bit better. Less sadness, less love, and less emotional variability.(if you don’t contact your ex)

Question 18

why is no contact important after a break up?

Answer 18

if you continue to contact your ex after a break up, you stay sadder for longer, and you still feel like you love the person for longer.

Question 19

which emotion is harder to get rid of after a break up

Answer 19

anger. while sadness decreases over a month, anger still was elevated after the breakup for a prolonged period of time.

Question 20

explain the end of dating relationship emotions study done by Eastwick in terms of emotions felt

Answer 20

asked dating pts to say “ how would you feel if you broke up with your parnter”
- most people said they would feel HIGHLY DISTRESSED and AWFUL about the break up, and that it would take a LONG TIME TO GET OVER IT

when surveying couples that broke up: found that people are good at determining the distress level (they felt very distressed), but that recovery was FASTER THAN EXPECTED.

Question 21

in terms of loss of marital relationships; how do people react

Answer 21

• in bad abusive marriages; people function better overall than if they stayed in the relationship
• evidence that people who go through divorces still feel badly years afterwards.more long term negative effects than dating relationship ends.

Question 22

Lucas 2005 studied emotions after marital relationship ending. what were his findings? WHAT ABOUT REMARRIAGE? What about for widows?

Answer 22

• followed people over 18 years
• looked at people who went through divorces.
• tried to predict divorce
• people who ended up divorcing, there were long periods before hand in which they were unhappy.
• before divorce, people are often unhappy for years
• for those people who were really unhappy after divorce, their happiness right after divorce PLUMMETED EVEN MORE, then it slowly picks up again. You start seeing more life satisfaction, but they never got up to the same point of “happily married people”

Rate of remarriage; quite high. 80% chance of remarried after divorce. For these people, happiness starts to increase again, but it STILL NEVER GETS BACK TO THE SAME LEVEL AS IT WAS FOR ONE-TIME MARRIED HAPPY COUPLES. Then, happiness tapers off again after.

What was the emotional trajectory for widows:
happiness before partner died: happiness level was higher than people who got divorced (not surprising), after death of partner, theres a huge plummet. over the next few years, happiness starts to climb again, but just like the divorce people, their happiness level never got up to the same level as people who never lost a partner either through divorce or death.

• there are occasional bouts of grief

overall, people are resilient in getting over life crises, but in terms of losing relationships, losing dating relationships are easier to bounce back from than marriages.