Chapter 8 Flashcards
f someone had all the other qualities you desired in a spouse, would you marry that person if you were not in love with him or her? how do people answer this
no
people began to consider love to be a requirement for marriage when did this come about
only a couple decades ago in NAmerica
In 1967, did men or women of agree to have have married an otherwise perfect partner whom they did not love
76 percent of women and 35 percent
Over the ages, attitudes toward love have varied on at least four dimensions:
cultural value
sexuality
sexual orientation
marital status
how did greeks view love
the Greeks admired platonic love, the nonsexual adoration of a beloved person that was epitomized by love between two men.
T: required knights to seek love as a noble quest, diligently devoting themselves to a lady of high social standing
Courtly love (he wasn’t married she was)
was marriage based on love in the Middle Ages
noit was a deadly serious matter of politics and property
after the Middle Ages Over the next 500 years, people came to believe that passionate love could be desirable and ennobling but …
that it was usually doomed
in the late 1700s, defenders of “…” were generally horrified by the emergence of love as a reason for marriage
traditional marriage
the marital practices of North Americans strike most folks as odd.
t
Why has the acceptance of and Page 242enthusiasm for marrying for love been most complete in North America?
economic prosperity and individualism and lack of ruling class or castle system
8 ideas about love
Love is doomed. Love is madness. Love is a noble quest. Love need not involve sex. Love and marriage go together. Love can be happy and fulfilling. Love has little to do with marriage. The best love occurs among people of the same sex.
Does that phrase characterize your experiences with romantic love? Is there a difference between romantic love and infatuation?
yes
Robert Sternberg (1987, 2006) proposed that three different building blocks combine to form different types of love
intimacy, passion commitment
T: which includes the feelings of warmth, understanding, trust, support, and sharing that often characterize loving relationships
intimacy
T: which is characterized by physical arousal and desire, excitement, and need. Passion often takes the form of sexual longing, but any strong emotional need that is satisfied by one’s partner fits this category
passion
T: which includes feelings of permanence, stability, and the decisions to devote oneself to a relationship and to work to maintain it.
commitment
Commitment is mainly … in nature, whereas intimacy is … and passion is a …
cognitive
emotional
motive, or drive
is the triangle of love always the same shape?
no Dif shaped and sizes due to Dif intensities of each of the sides
T: If intimacy, passion, and commitment are all absent, love does not exist. Instead, you have a casual, superficial, uncommitted relationship between people who are probably just acquaintances, not friends.
non love
T: occurs when intimacy is high but passion and commitment are very low.
liking
friends can arouse passion or miss terribly when he or she is gone
f , the relationship has gone beyond liking and has become something else.
T: Strong passion in the absence of intimacy or commitment is infatuation, which is what people experience when they are aroused by others they barely know.
infatuation
T: Commitment without intimacy or passion is empty love.
empty love
T: When high intimacy and passion occur together
romantic love
commitment is required for romantic love
one way to think about romantic love is as a combination of liking and infatuation. People often become committed to their romances
T: Intimacy and commitment combine to form love for a close companion, or companionate love
companionate love
T: Passion and commitment in the absence of intimacy create a foolish experience
fatuous love
what kind of love This type of love can occur in whirlwind courtships in which two partners marry quickly on the basis of overwhelming passion but don’t know (or necessarily like) each other very well
fatuous love
T: when intimacy, passion, and commitment are all present to a substantial degree
Consummate love
which of the 3 parts of love changes the most in and between relationships
passion variable by far. It is also the least controllable
is stienbergs theory right?
each of the three components makes a loving relationship more satisfying, and the most rewarding romances contain big servings of all three ingredients
passion and intimacy are distinct experiences
t The regions of the brain that regulate our sexual desire for others appear to be different from those that manage our feelings of attachment and commitment to our lovers
does the 3 systems theory make sense from an eval perspective
yes!
3 bgoligcal systems of love
lust, attraction attachment
biological basis of lust
regulated by the sex hormones. Lust drives successful reproduction by providing us the motivation to mate with others.
biological basis of attraction
Attraction drives pair-bonding by fueling romantic love, which is regulated by the neurotransmitter dopamine in specific regions of the brain that control feelings of reward
what NT explains why lovers feel euphoric, rejuvenated, optimistic
dopamine
. Romantic love also activates the areas of the brain that are affected by …drugs, and sure enough, when they see their sweethearts, young lovers can shrug off pain
pain-relieving
biological basis of attachment
connection to a long-term mate that keep a couple together long enough to protect and sustain their very young children Attachment drives companionate love, which is regulated by the neuropeptide oxytocin
men become sexually aroused by inspecting porn, they report more love for their romantic partners than they do when they’re not turned on what does this tell us
intimacy, passion, and commitment are clearly interrelated in many loving relationships
do the 3 love systems rise and fall together
related experiences of passion, intimacy, and commitment can vary separately and range from weak to strong at any given time
can the triangular theory explain all types of love
f Different types of love probably overlap in a messier, more confusing way than the theory implies but useful framework
I love you, but I’m not in love with you what does this mean
I like you, I care about you, I think you’re a marvelous person with wonderful qualities and so forth, but I don’t find you sexually desirable
which types of arousal influence romantic love
any form of strong arousal, good or bad, can influence our feelings of romantic love.
what is the 2 factor perspective of love
passionate attraction is rooted in two factors: (1) physiological arousal such as a fast heart beat that is coupled with (2) the belief that another person is the cause of your arousal
On the precarious bridge, … had apparently fueled attraction.
fear
how does arousal influence attraction
High arousal magnified the guys’ responses
how does negative vs positive arousal influence attraction
the effects of arousal on attraction do not depend on the type of arousal that is produced
adrenaline fuels love
t
Have you ever had a screaming argument with a lover and then found that it was especially sweet to “kiss and make up” a few Page 249minutes later? explain this why?
arousal from anger fuelled subsequent passion
Scores on the Passionate Love Scale increase as …, only leveling off when the partners ….
someone falls deeper and deeper into romantic love with someone else
become engaged or start living together
marry at peak of passionate love
Romance is more than just passion, however. It also involves our ….
thoughts.
Is Romantic Love an Emotion?
romantic love is more a mood with particular motives than a discrete emotion
what is an emotion
for an organized response with particular characteristics result from specific events that cause discrete physiological reactions and that elicit distinct patterns of expressive behavior and goal-oriented responses
in what ways is love like an emotion
In focusing our attention and energies on particular partners, romantic love promotes commitment that can increase our reproductive success. It is also elicited by others who we think would make compelling mates.
in what ways is love not like an emotion
But it doesn’t activate specific, delimited areas of the brain as many other emotions do; regions regulating reward switch on, but so do several other areas, so romantic love has more diffuse effects than other discrete emotions
And why should you care, if loves an emotion?
emotions are rather brief events moods last longer but are more diffuse= does love last?
The … theory of passionate love emphasizes the role of our thoughts and beliefs in accounting for arousal.
two-factor
lovers thinking about each other in ways that differ from the ways they think about their friends what scale captures this
love scale
themes on the love scale
intimacy, dependance, caring
love scale defines Romance is characterized by …3
openness, communication, and trust
The dependence items describe ardent longing for one’s partner that has much in common with the ,,, we’ve discussed
passion
T: Romantic lovers report concern for the welfare and well-being of their partners
caring on love scale
the Love Scale portrays romantic love as a multifaceted experience that involves both …
giving (i.e., caring) and taking (i.e., dependence).
rubins liking and loving scale differ how
relative intensity and urgency need vs like
You watch a video of her presentation, which is either coherent and clever or clumsy and inept. how does a date with her in the future change judgements
contaminated the men’s judgment, magically transforming a lousy performance into one of much higher quality. Any distinction between good and bad work disappeared entirely when the possibility of romance was in play.
is love really blind
yes People underestimate or ignore their lovers’ faults. They hold idealized images of their lovers that may differ in meaningful ways from the concrete realities they face
a major difference between love and friendship may be our…
imaginations
Imagine yourself inspecting photos of attractive members of the other sex, picking the best-looking one of the bunch, and then writing essays on (a) why that person is attractive act then you do that for your partner- results
eople were better able to distract themselves from the alternative—and they remembered less about the alternative’s looks—when they envisioned their love for their partners than in the other two conditions= less likely to notice attractive people
T: love causes our self-concepts to expand and change as our partners bring us new experiences and new Page 254roles, and we gradually learn things about ourselves that we didn’t know before
self expansion model (dies down over time)
people who falling in love: their self-concepts become more diversified and their … went up, which were two reasons why falling in love was so delightful
self-esteem
why do people get married
romantic passionate love
why do people stay married
companionate love
Because it does not depend on …, companionate love is a more settled state than romantic love is
passion
define companionate love
comfortable, affectionate, trusting love for a likable partner, based on a deep sense of friendship and involving companionship and the enjoyment of common activities, mutual interests, and shared laughter
when asked why their marriages had lasted people said it was because they would be miserable without them
f reasons were (a) “My spouse is my best friend,” and (b) “I like my spouse as a person.”
A useful measure of companionate love is the ..
.Friendship-Based Love Scale
Scores on the .Friendship-Based Love Scale are more highly correlated with relationship satisfaction and duration than scores on the Passionate Love Scale are.
t
deep friendships cant occur in romantic love.
deep friendships also occur often in the context of romantic love.
deep friendships cant occur in romantic love.
deep friendships also occur often in the context of romantic love.
Companionate love also has a physiological foundation that differs from that of romantic love how
romantic love= dopamine= reward pleasure
comp= oxytocin= relaxation
dopamine is produced during orgasm
f a oxytocin may be one of the causes of the relaxed lethargy that couples often experience after lovemaking
participants who snort a spray of … seem to become more motivated to seek social connection with others
oxytocin
oxytocin makes us always nice to people
f It seems to arouse affiliative motives, but if we encounter barriers to closeness—such as antagonistic provocation from an opponent in a lab procedure
what is the biological basis of companionate love
oxytocin
People who have higher levels of oxytocin in their blood tend to be warmer and kinder when they discuss touchy topics with their spouses
t
why do we not experience pure romantic or comp love
both oxytocin and dopamine are always in the body in some amount
There’s a third type of love that occurs in successful romances (Fehr, 2015) that is not delineated by the triangular theory
compassionate love
defining feature of compassionate love
An altruistic care and concern for the well-being of one’s partner is a defining characteristic of compassionate love
what are the 2 triangular features of compassionate love
combines the trust and understanding of intimacy with compassion and caring that involves empathy, selflessness, and sacrifice on behalf of the beloved
compassionate lovers provide their partners more …—and take more pleasure in doing so
support
compassionate acts beinfiit who in a relationship
both partners more satisfied and committed but giver gets more mood boosts
what do compassionate companionate and passionate love have in common
intimacy
Whereas romantic love is “blind,” compassionate love is rooted in …
more accurate understanding of our partners’ strengths and weaknesses; we recognize their deficiencies, but we love them anyway
Is compassionate love necessary for continued satisfaction in long-term relationships?
we don’t know
.T: The erotic lover finds good looks compelling and seeks an intense, passionate relationship.
EROs
Greek and Latin words to describe six styles of love that differ in the intensity of the loving experience, commitment to the beloved, desired characteristics of the beloved, and expectations about being loved in return what are the 6
eros ludas storage mania agape pragma
T: lover considers love to be a game and likes to play the field.
ludas
T:lover prefers friendships that gradually grow into lasting commitments.
storage
T: lover is demanding, possessive, and excitable.
mania
T: lover is altruistic and dutiful.
agape
T: pragmatic lover is practical, careful, and logical in seeking a mate.
pragma
80 percent to 90 percent of young adults report that they have experienced …love: romantic, passionate attraction to someone who did not return that interest
unrequited
Why do we experience such unrequited loves?
- would-be lovers are very attracted to their unwilling targets, and they assume that relationships with them are worth working and waiting for
- they optimistically overestimate how much they are liked in return
- offers the hope of future rewards
its worse to be the giver than the receiver of unrequited love
f find their pursuers’ persistence to be intrusive and annoying, and they usually feel guilty when they turn their ardent pursuers down
how do pragma lovers seek partners
logical matches for them
why are the greek love types helpful
six themes in love experiences that overlap and are differentially related to the types of love we’ve considered so far
…3 greek loves) have little in common with romantic love, companionate love, or compassionate love
storge, mania, and pragma
relationship satisfaction and the triangular theory are positively related to … (remember, love involves both giving and taking), and negatively related to… (which means that love is serious business)
eros and agape
ludus
value of greek love styles
the love styles remind us of intriguing sources of individuality (such as practicality) that are sometimes overlooked
gender differences in greek love styles
men score higher on ludus than women do, whereas women are more storgic and pragmatic than men
how does romantic love in china vs us look different on a fMRI
the same (the various types of love seem to operate similarly in diverse cultures)
how do Chinese and Americans differ in the way they describe their experiences of falling in love
emphasize the similarity and good looks of their partners more than Chinese people do, and the Chinese mention a desirable personality, others’ opinions, and their own physical arousal
sim between china and US when married
both feel a lot of compassionate caring and horny desire for their partners
Dif between Chinese and US when married
Romantic fantasies—thinking of love as a fairy tale, with expectations of living happily ever after—are more prominent in America, whereas acknowledgments that one’s partner is baffling and incomprehensible and that love itself is a mixed blessing are more common in China
how do US and China differ in partner choice
china family decision US based on love
how do attachment styles relate to intimacy
secure= more intimacy
generally have high regard for others, viewing them as trustworthy, dependable, and kind, so they tend to be more open with their partners, happily engaging in a lot of self-disclosure
how do attachment styles relate to passion
secure= best sex preoc= negative drama and anxiety about abandonment has them on edge avoidant= distant and detached impersonal
how do attachment styles relate to commitment
secure more committed
how do attachment styles relate to caring and caregiving
insecure providing less reassurance than secure people do and leaving their partners less at ease
avoid: anger at neediness
preoc: lots of selfish support
do your parents want to same things in your partner as you do
same things Dif priorities
care less about looks more about demographics, similarities and commitment
The potent, lasting influences of attachment styles demonstrate that not only are there different types of loves, …
there are different kinds of lovers.
how does age influence love
older couples interacted with less physical arousal but with more good cheer.
men and women are very different when it comes to love
f more sim than different
gender differences (even small ones)
- men tend to be more avoidant of intimacy and less anxious about abandonment than women are
- Women do experience more intense and more volatile emotions
- men more romantic attitudes and love at first sight vs women more selective
- men more stock in passion
how do men and women differ on passion and love scale
don’t differ
women say I love you first
f men do 70% of the tim`e
which component of the triangular theory most predictive of satisfaction for men and women
passion is most highly associated with men’s satisfaction with their relationships, whereas commitment is the best predictor of satisfaction for women
Does love last?
passionate love doesn’t
how long does it take for passionate love to dissipate
quite rapid. After only two years of marriage, average spouses express affection for each other only half as often as they did when they were newlyweds
Worldwide, divorces occur more frequently in the … year of marriage than at any other time
fourth
Why Doesn’t Romantic Love Last? 3
- fantasy= erodes with time and experience
2. novelty 3. arousal fades over time
novelty causes sexual arousal in other species
t
Researchers call this effect of novelty on arousal the …
Coolidge effect,
Does novelty have similar effects on people?
it might
why does intercource decline over the course of a marriage
novelty decreases
the single biggest drop in sexual frequency occurs in a relationship’s … year
second year
the single biggest drop in sexual frequency occurs in a relationship’s second year why
not just aging because remarriage increases frequency
“romance thrives on novelty, mystery, and danger; it is dispersed by familiarity. Enduring romance is therefore a contradiction in terms
how does the energy expenditure ofarousal influence LT marriages
While passion is a great feeling—totally intoxicating—it also tends to be ephemeral. It’s a hard feeling to sustain over the long haul, and marriage is theoretically the longest of long hauls
In the case of romantic love, the brain may simply not produce as much …when a partner becomes familiar, so that even if your partner is as wonderful as ever, you’re not as aroused
dopamine
you cant experience enduring romantic love
Some couples do continue to feel lots of romantic love for each other after decades together
40 percent of a random sample of Americans who had been married for 10 years or more reported that they were “very intensely in love” with their spouses. what was the catch
still less intense than when they started
almost everybody’s loving feelings change somewhat over time how (dopamine and brain systems)
after 10 years of marriage still experience activation of the dopamine-rich reward centers in their brains, just as they did when they had just fallen in love—but other areas that are associated with monogamy and commitment become more active, too
The … with one’s beloved that characterizes new love also tends to fade, even when desire and caring remain
obsessive preoccupation
why is the US divorce rate so high
the burning love that gets people to marry tends not to stay the same
are people satisfied with companionate love
love is very satisfying to those who experience it
how does age influence the 3 parts of the triangle
Passion declines, but intimacy and commitment both increase as we age
because intimacy and passion are correlated, being good friends may help to keep your passion alive.
t
how do you keep the spark in your relationships
You can also purposefully and creatively strive to forestall any boredom that would undermine your contentment.
you should commit yourself only to a lover who is also a good friend
t
Couples who creatively collaborate to continue to have fun together are likely to stay in love longer than those who allow their partnerships to become …
monotonous
Different societies have held very different perspectives on love, and only recently has love been associated with …
marriage
Passion increases when a person becomes aroused by their partner
f for any reason
___ + ___ = romantic love
passion and intimacy
romantic love is characterized by …
idealized evaluations of one’s partner.
how many styles of loving
6
Secure people enjoy stronger experiences of romantic love than insecure people do.
and , companionate, and compassionate
what does the future hold for relaitonships?
Companionate love is very satisfying and may be more stable than romantic love is. If lovers are good friends and work to battle boredom, they may improve their chances for a long, contented relationship.
