Chapter 10

Question 1

we are not as well liked or well respected as we wish we were.

Answer 1

t

Question 2

it’s painful to perceive that our …—that is, the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable and important—is lower than we would like it to be.

Answer 2

relational value

Question 3

high relational value?

Answer 3

others value our company and prioritize their partnerships with us, and we feel appreciated, respected, and accepted by them

Question 4

low rel value

Answer 4

others do not seek us out or choose us for their teams, and they’re not much interested in who we are and what we have to say; so, we feel unwanted.

Question 5

Sometimes we enjoy the strongest possible acceptance, called …: Others are eager to be with us, and if they want to host a party (for instance), they’ll change the date or just cancel if we can’t come

Answer 5

maximal inclusion

Question 6

More often, we encounter …, which occurs when others make sure to invite us to their parties and are disappointed if we can’t come

Answer 6

active inclusion

Question 7

We experience .. when others don’t invite us to their parties but are content to let us in the door if we hear about the gatherings and just show up

Answer 7

.passive inclusion

Question 8

And then there’s …, which occurs when others are neither accepting nor rejecting; they genuinely don’t care one way or the other whether we show up or not

Answer 8

ambivalence

Question 9

We encounter … when others ignore us and wish we were elsewhere, and we suffer … when others go out of their way to avoid us altogether.

Answer 9

passive exclusion

active exclusion

Question 10

T: others order us to leave their parties when they find us there

Answer 10

maximal exclusion

Question 11

Our emotional reactions to such experiences depend on …

Answer 11

how much we want to be accepted by particular others, and just what their acceptance or rejection of us means.

Question 12

sometimes we are excluded because others regard us positively

Answer 12

t

Question 13

it’s also possible to be accepted and liked by others but be hurt because they don’t like us as much as we want them to. This is what … love is often like

Answer 13

unrequited
Those for whom we feel unrequited love may be fond of us in return, but if we want to be loved instead of merely liked, their mildness is painful.

Question 14

there is only a rough connection between the objective reactions we receive from others and our …

Answer 14

feelings of acceptance or rejection that result, so we will focus on the perception that others value their relationships with us less than we want them to

Question 15

T: the apparent importance that others attach to their relationships with u

Answer 15

perceived relational value `

Question 16

Maximal exclusion doesn’t feel much worse than simple ambivalence does

Answer 16

t

Question 17

being completely adored doesn’t improve our self-esteem beyond the boost we get from being very well-liked

Answer 17

t

Question 18

we appear to be very sensitive to … that range from ambivalence at the low end to active inclusion at the high end.

Answer 18

small differences in regard from others= As people like us more and more, we feel better and better about ourselves until their positive regard for us is fully ensured

Question 19

mild rejection from others usually feels just as bad as more extreme rejection does. what feels worse

Answer 19

But decreases in the acceptance we receive from others may be even worse,

Question 20

those who were accepted by the unseen acquaintance were happier and felt better about themselves than those who were rejected. But other people received evaluations that changed over time, starting poorly and getting better, or starting well and getting worse. how did they fare

Answer 20

The pattern of decreasing acceptance was particularly painful, causing more negative reactions than even constant rejection did

Question 21

it’s especially awful to experience drops in our …—that is, relational devaluation, or apparent decreases in others’ regard for us

Answer 21

perceived relational value

Question 22

… really hurts

Answer 22

.Rejection

Question 23

how do people numb social pain

Answer 23

weed and Tylenol

Question 24

When relational devaluation occurs, some people experience more hurt than others do. depending on what

Answer 24

attachment style (anx about abandonment)
SE

Question 25

And people who are high in avoidance of intimacy experience more pain with rejection

Answer 25

f less pain when others withdraw; exclusion hurts less when you don’t want to be close to others to begin with

Question 26

T: people are given the “cold shoulder” and ignored by those around them

Answer 26

ostracism

Question 27

how prevelant is ostracism

Answer 27

67 percent of Americans admitted that they had given an intimate partner the cold shoulder, and 75 percent reported that they had been ostracized by a loved one

Question 28

Why do people sometimes intentionally ignore their partners?

Answer 28

an effective way to punish their partners, to avoid confrontation, or to calm down and cool off following a conflict

Question 29

how do senders and receivers of ostracism interpret the behaviour

Answer 29

sender they usually believe that the ostracism was beneficial in helping them achieve their goals
receiver typically do not consider their partners’ withdrawal to be a kind or effective way to behave, and they usually believe that the ostracism has damaged their relationships

Question 30

A “cold shoulder” feels cold

Answer 30

t When people feel excluded, they think the room is cooler and that warm food and drink are more desirable than they do when they have not been rejected

Question 31

how does ostracism influence time

Answer 31

think it goes by slower

Question 32

What happens next seems to depend on which of a person’s needs are in the most peril how does belongingness needs affect

Answer 32

= compliance but they may also start looking for new, less punishing partners.

Question 33

when does ostracism lead to anger and violence

Answer 33

More antagonistic reactions may occur when ostracism seems illegitimate and unjust and threatens people’s feelings of control or self-worth

Question 34

In fact, instances of … or romantic rejection precede most of the awful cases in which students take guns to school and shoot innocent classmates

Answer 34

ostracism

Question 35

What’s striking is that this Internet ostracism is quite painful even when it is (apparently) dispensed by …

Answer 35

strangers one will never meet.

Question 36

after people learn that their exclusion is controlled by the computer and that no real interpersonal evaluation exclusion doesn’t hurt

Answer 36

f still does

Question 37

ostracism wouldn’t hurt if It came from a hated group

Answer 37

f Ostracism even hurts when it is dispensed by groups we despise, such as the Ku Klux Klan

Question 38

responses to ostracism

Answer 38

compliance

hostility

Question 39

why do high SE get silent treatment less often

Answer 39

they leave ostracizing friendships

Question 40

we are likely to feel …3 when others ostracize us, and a core ingredient in such experiences seems to be the perception that …

Answer 40

sadness, anger, and hurt

those others do not value their relationships with us as much as we wish they did.

Question 41

jealousy can involve a variety of feelings, ranging all the way from sad dejection to actual pride that one’s partner is desirable to others, but the three feelings that define jealousy best are …3

Answer 41

hurt, anger, and fear

Question 42

why anger in jealousy

Answer 42

It’s being cast aside for someone else that gets people angry, and that anger is usually directed both at the meddlesome rival and at the partner who is beginning to stray

Question 43

13 percent of all the murders in the United States result from one spouse killing another, and when that occurs, .. is the most common motive

Answer 43

jealousy

Question 44

2 types of jealousy

Answer 44

reactive and suspicious

Question 45

T: occurs when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship

Answer 45

reactive jealousy

Question 46

fantasizing about or flirting with someone else is considered “cheating” by most young adults in the United States why is this a problem

Answer 46

98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women said they had had extradyadic sexual fantasies in the past two months and
Half of the women and two-fifths of the men said they had kissed or fondled an extradyadic interloper, and a fifth of both men and women said they had had intercourse with that person

Question 47

T: occurs when one’s partner hasn’t misbehaved and one’s suspicions do not fit the facts at hand

Answer 47

suspicious jealousy

Question 48

is suspicious jealousy always unfounded

Answer 48

t it results from situations that would not trouble a more secure and more trusting partner.

Question 49

The distinction between the two types of jealousy is meaningful because ….

Answer 49

almost everybody feels reactive jealousy when they realize that their partners have been unfaithful

Question 50

the distinction between the two isn’t quite as sharp as it may seem why

Answer 50

individual differences and past experiences

Question 51

how do men and women differ in jealousy

Answer 51

they don’t

Question 52

One obvious precursor of jealousy is … on a relationship based on CL alt

Answer 52

dependence

Question 53

People who worry that they can’t measure up to their partners’ expectations or who fret that they’re not what their lovers are looking for are less certain that their relationships will last what feeling is this that increases jealousy

Answer 53

inadequacy

Question 54

even people with generally high self-esteem can be prone to jealousy if they …

Answer 54

doubt their ability to fulfill a particular partner.

Question 55

how does matching impact jealousy

Answer 55

discrepant mate value= The less desirable partner is likely to be aware that others could be a better match for his or her lover, and that may cause a sense of inadequacy that does not exist in other areas of his or her life

Question 56

consider the perilous situation that faces people who feel both dependent on and inadequate in their current relationships what happens here

Answer 56

They need their partners but worry that they’re not good enough to keep them.

Question 57

which attach style lots of jealousy

Answer 57

preoccupied (dismissing don’t experience much)
They greedily seek closeness with others, but they remain chronically worried that their partners don’t love them enough in return.

Question 58

what personality traits increase jealousy

Answer 58

high in neuroticism, who tend to worry about a lot of things, are particularly prone to jealousy

Question 59

which personality trait counteracts jealousy

Answer 59

agreeable

Question 60

who tries to cause jealousy

Answer 60

people who are high in the Dark Triad traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and/or psychopathy are probably jealous more often

Question 61

Who Gets Us Jealous?

Answer 61

worse when from friend or past lover or high mate value

Question 62

what rivals pose most competition

Answer 62

attractive in both men and women and
women care more than men do about a mate’s resources, so men are more jealous of other men who are self-confident, dominant, Page 314assertive, and rich than they are of rivals who are simply very handsome

Question 63

our rivals are usually not as attractive to our partners as we think they are

Answer 63

t

Question 64

What Gets Us Jealous? why from evol perspective

Answer 64

jealousy evolved to motivate behavior designed to protect our close relationships from the interference of others those who fended of rivals better reproducers

Question 65

evol perspective: suggests that men and women should be especially sensitive to different sorts of infidelity in their romantic partners what are these for men

Answer 65

men are more accurate at detecting sexual infidelity in a cheating partner favored men who were too suspicious of their partners’ faithfulness over those who were not suspicious enough due to paternal uncertainty

Question 66

men cheat more

Answer 66

t

Question 67

why women jealous evol perspective

Answer 67

enjoyed more success raising their children when they were sensitive to any signs that a man might withdraw the resources that were supporting the care and feeding of their children.
women who frequently and naïvely mated with men who then abandoned them probably did not reproduce as successfully

Question 68

how does Facebook create opportunities for hurt

Answer 68

ignore or deny a friend request, remove our messages or photo tags, or simply don’t “like” our clever comments with the frequency they deserve
missed gatherings
Facebook official

Question 69

conflicto ver “in a relationship” status

Answer 69

women tend to assume that that status is more meaningful, entailing stronger feelings and more exclusivity, than men do

Question 70

when they’re feeling jealous, women spend more time doing what of Facebook

Answer 70

snooping—monitoring their partner’s Facebook activity—particularly when they’re anxious about abandonment

Question 71

an evolutionary perspective suggests that men should experience more jealousy than women do at the thought of …. infidelity in their mates, whereas women should react more than men do to the threat of …. infidelity, the possibility that their partners are falling in love with someone else

Answer 71

sexual

emotional

Question 72

does research support evol perspective

Answer 72

yes in forced choice but question validity of this most choose both if allowed= not as significant as seems

2. women love comes first so sex= higher threat men can just have casual sex
3. brain activations when thinking about scenarios
4. faster to assume threatening one is happening

Question 73

We tend to think that a cheating spouse is more likely to be emotionally attached to the illicit lover when the cheater is a woman rather than a man

Answer 73

t

Question 74

what percentage of students say that they want to settle down with a mutually monogamous sexual partner at some point in their lives

Answer 74

99%

Question 75

mate poaching, behavior that is intended to lure someone away from an existing relationship at least for one night, is commonplace gender if in this

Answer 75

men try more

Question 76

how often is mate poaching successful who is more successful

Answer 76

four-fifths of them have succeeded at least once
poachers who are our friends and attractive
70 percent of us have encountered a poacher’s efforts to lure us away from our partners (or just into bed), and most men (60 percent) and half of all women who have been pursued have succumbed to a poaching attempt

Question 77

What sort of person pursues someone else’s mate? In general, mate poachers are …

Answer 77

horny, extraverted people who are low in agreeableness and conscientiousness and who approve of adulterous promiscuity
high in dark triad

Question 78

poachers are shitty LT mates

Answer 78

t

everybody involved tends to keep looking around even after they start a new relationships

Question 79

who gets poached

Answer 79

hey also do not much value sexual fidelity, and if they’re men, they score higher on the Dark Triad traits, too

Question 80

The poaching tactics used by men and women tend to differ

Answer 80

trying to entice someone else’s mate, women advertise their good looks and sexual availability, whereas men publicize their power and their willingness to provide their lovers desirable resources

Question 81

the sex difference disappears, and men dread sexual infidelity only as much as women do when the cheating carries no risk of …

Answer 81

conceiving a child—that is, when their partners cheat with someone of the same sex in a gay or lesbian affair

Question 82

partners cheat with someone of the same sex in a gay or lesbian affair no jealousy

Answer 82

f botth types of jealousy equal but less

Question 83

gays, lesbians, Page 320and bisexuals suffer the same upset to either sexual or emotional infidelity

Answer 83

t

Question 84

All of us tend to get … at the thought of a lover’s sexual infidelity, and we’re … by the prospect of an emotional affair

Answer 84

angry

hurt

Question 85

a jealous response can be as harmful as the behaviour

Answer 85

t

Question 86

people respond in ways that may be intended to protect the relationship but that often undermine it further:

Answer 86

spying on their partners, restricting their partners’ freedom, or derogating or threatening their rivals

Question 87

how to constructively respond to jealousy

Answer 87

straightforwardly expressing their concerns and trying to work things out with their partners or by making themselves or their relationships more desirable

Question 88

what determines how people respond to jealousy

Answer 88

attachment styles

Question 89

gender dif in response to jealousy

Answer 89

Women said they would react to the rival’s interference by seeking to improve the relationship
men said they would strive to protect their egos; they planned to get drunk, confront and threaten the rival, and pursue other women

Question 90

what gender tries to get their partners jealous

Answer 90

women are more likely than men to

Question 91

Women who seek to improve their relationships by inducing jealousy in their men may succeed only in ..

Answer 91

driving their partners away.

Question 92

When jealousy is justified and a rival is real, the experts suggest that we work on ….

Answer 92

reducing the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and our sense of self-worth

Question 93

how do we reducing the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and our sense of self-worth

Answer 93

therapy or on own

Question 94

Clinical approaches to the treatment of jealousy usually try to (a) reduce … that exaggerates either the threat to the relationship or the harm that its loss would entail; (b) enhance the ….; (c) improve ….so the partners can clarify their expectations and agree on limits that prevent jealous misunderstandings; and (d) increase …2 in the relationship

Answer 94

.irrational, catastrophic thinking

self-esteem of the jealous partner
communication skills
satisfaction and fairness

Question 95

deception of some sort or another occurs regularly even in intimate relationships that are based on openness and trust.

Answer 95

t

Question 96

T: intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue

Answer 96

deception

Question 97

deception can take 3 forms

Answer 97

1. conceal info
2. divert attention from facts
3. half truths

Question 98

are there any people who don’t lie

Answer 98

60 percent in the U.S., but only 24 percent in the United Kingdom—tell no lies at all

Question 99

most of us tell … meaningful big lie each week, and about seven percent of us are prolific liars who tell … big lies each day

Answer 99

three

Question 100

what do women and men lie about

Answer 100

income accomplishments

women pleasure

Question 101

… of all lies are told to benefit others, protecting their feelings or advancing their interests

Answer 101

one-fourth

Question 102

we tell more lies to strangers than close loved one

Answer 102

t Fewer self-serving, greedy lies—and fewer lies overall—are told to lovers and friends than to acquaintances and strangers. but when its a big lie more likely to be to a close loved one

Question 103

… percent of the participants admitted that they had lied to their lovers within the last week

Answer 103

97

Question 104

problem with lies?

Answer 104

1. feel less comfortable

2. undermine trust in receiver

Question 105

T: When people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest and trustworthy as a result

Answer 105

deceivers distrust

Question 106

lies are more harmful than liars expect

Answer 106

t

Question 107

The recipient (or victim) of a partner’s wrongdoing almost always considers it more ….than the perpetrator does

Answer 107

informative and influential

Question 108

who lies more

Answer 108

insecure

Question 109

practiced liars are better liars

Answer 109

f

Question 110

A liar’s performance depends, in part, on the level of …

Answer 110

motivation (and guilt and fear) with which he or she enacts the lie (either short lie without detail or grand scripted)

Question 111

when they deliver their lies, motivated liars do a poorer, more suspicious job than do those who have less to lose and who are more spontaneous and relaxed why

Answer 111

because strong emotions are harder to conceal than mild feelings are

Question 112

what nonverbal tell us someone is lying

Answer 112

those who are lying can appear to be cool and calm, and those telling the truth can fidget, and there’s no reliable relation between any particular pattern of nonverbal behavior and lying

Question 113

how can you tell a lie then

Answer 113

careful attention to what people are saying—not just how they are saying it—can alert us to inconsistencies in their statements
discrepancies between their verbal and nonverbal behavior that give them away

Question 114

Lying is usually apparent in …

Answer 114

changes in a person’s ordinary demeanor

Question 115

People can learn to detect deception in others how

Answer 115

only one persons lies learn idiosyncrasies

Question 116

why are people are sometimes certain that their partners are telling the truth when their partners are actually lying.

Answer 116

truth bias they assume that their partners are usually telling the truth

Question 117

we correctly distinguish truths from lies … percent of the time

Answer 117

54

Question 118

if the listener doesn’t … the liar, not many lies in close relationships are detected at the time they’re told; if the truth comes out, it’s usually later on

Answer 118

actively interrogate

Question 119

we are worse at lie detecting with our partners

Answer 119

f better but overestimate ability

Question 120

T: disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such treachery

Answer 120

betrayed

Question 121

examples of betrayal

Answer 121

Sexual and emotional infidelity and lying

Question 122

what does betrayal do to perceived relational value

Answer 122

reduce it When we are victimized by intimate partners, their betrayals demonstrate that they do not value their relationships with us as much as we had believed

Question 123

casual acquaintances cannot betray us as thoroughly and hurtfully as trusted intimates can why

Answer 123

for losses of relational value of this sort to occur, we must have (or think we have) a desired relationship that is injured

Question 124

how common is betrayal

Answer 124

Almost all of us have betrayed someone and have been betrayed by someone else in a close relationship at some time or another.

Question 125

Perceived betrayals sometimes occur when people have the best intentions but …

Answer 125

simply cannot honor all of the overlapping and competing demands that intimacy and interdependency may make

Question 126

betrayal is less frequent among those who are …3

Answer 126

older, better educated, and religious

Question 127

those who report repeated betrayals of others tend to be unhappy, resentful, vengeful, and suspicious people. why

Answer 127

betrayers do not trust others much, perhaps because they wrongly attribute to others the same motives they recognize in themselves

Question 128

do men and women differ in betrayal

Answer 128

only in targets of it
Men are more likely than women to betray their romantic partners and business associates, whereas women betray their friends and family members

Question 129

The least damaging mode of discovery, if our partners do learn of our betrayal, is for us to…

Answer 129

admit our wrongdoing without being asked

because your bold lie will compound your sins if (when?) the truth comes out.

Question 130

A crafty strategy is to deception is to …;

Answer 130

confess to a less serious offense
a partial confession often seems more trustworthy than a claim of complete innocence, and it avoids the harsher consequences of admitting the more serious wrong

Question 131

how often do purpetrator and receiver think betrayal was harmful

Answer 131

93 percent of the time, they feel that a betrayal damages the partnership, leading to lower satisfaction and lingering suspicion and doubt
purp 50% they think it improved in 1/5 cases

Question 132

T: doing Page 329some intentional harm to those who have harmed them

Answer 132

revenge

Question 133

why revenge is a bad idea

Answer 133

1. stems from the different perspectives of perpetrator and victim= now they victim and need to hurt you again= cycle
2. self serving biases tend to excuse actions of our own that we judge to be blameworthy in others
3. expect it to be more satisfying than it is (stray distressed)

Question 134

If it’s okay when I do it but wrong when you do it, revenge is impossible because

Answer 134

to calibrate so that genuine justice is served.

Question 135

retaliation is usually fulfilling only when those who have wronged us …; revenge is actually less satisfying than doing nothing at all when the original perpetrator fails to see that he or she had it coming

Answer 135

connect the dots, understand why they’re now being harmed, and see the error of their ways

Question 136

people who are prone to vengeance tend to be pretty sour folks who are high in … low in …. and generally less happy with life than those of us who are less vengeful

Answer 136

neuroticism and dark triad, low in agreeableness,

Question 137

T: a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you

Answer 137

forgivness

Question 138

forgivness requires you forget a partners misbehaviour

Answer 138

t

Question 139

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you regain positive feelings toward the offender— it means getting …

Answer 139

past your negative feelings and letting go of your ire and antipathy is the key

Question 140

who forgives more easily

Answer 140

secure attach = engage in less angry rumination that keeps an injury fresh in their minds
agreeableness
low N
self control

Question 141

no matter who we are, forgiveness comes more readily when some important ingredients exist. 3

Answer 141

1. genuine, sincere contrition
2. empathy on the part of the victim
3. less likely to occur when victims brood about their partners’ transgressions and remain preoccupied with the damage done by their misbehavior
   extra: good relationships, committed

Question 142

forgiveness is more likely to occur in close, committed relationships than in those that are less committed why

Answer 142

because empathy occurs more easily and because the betrayers are more likely to apologize

Question 143

when people are forgiven, they are often grateful and, as a result, more …

Answer 143

repentant and less likely to repeat the offense

Question 144

how does forgiving benefit the forgiver

Answer 144

people who are able to forgive their intimate partners usually enjoy more personal well-being—that is, more self-esteem, less hostility, less distress and tension, and more satisfaction with life better health (reduces BP

Question 145

Forgiveness is advantageous when a partner misbehaves …2

Answer 145

rarely and deserves to be forgiven

Question 146

when is forgiveness bad for satisfaction

Answer 146

it was associated with lower satisfaction when one’s spouse was frequently disrespectful

Question 147

Drops in … known as relational devaluation cause hurt feelings that leave us psychologically wounded and despondent.

Answer 147

perceived relational value

Question 148

Who Gets Us Jealous?

Answer 148

Rivals who have high mate value and are attractive to our partners are particularly threatening.

Question 149

People who succeed in reducing unwanted.. maintain a sense of self-worth with or without their present partners.

Answer 149

jealousy`

Question 150

No single cue always indicates that people are lying

Answer 150

t

Question 151

Most lies are not detected at the time they’re proffered.

Answer 151

t

Question 152

pro and con of telling deception on close relationship

Answer 152

Intimate partners have detailed knowledge of each other, but they also exhibit a truth bias that leads them to assume that their partners are being honest with them.