Chapter 10 Flashcards
we are not as well liked or well respected as we wish we were.
t
it’s painful to perceive that our …—that is, the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable and important—is lower than we would like it to be.
relational value
high relational value?
others value our company and prioritize their partnerships with us, and we feel appreciated, respected, and accepted by them
low rel value
others do not seek us out or choose us for their teams, and they’re not much interested in who we are and what we have to say; so, we feel unwanted.
Sometimes we enjoy the strongest possible acceptance, called …: Others are eager to be with us, and if they want to host a party (for instance), they’ll change the date or just cancel if we can’t come
maximal inclusion
More often, we encounter …, which occurs when others make sure to invite us to their parties and are disappointed if we can’t come
active inclusion
We experience .. when others don’t invite us to their parties but are content to let us in the door if we hear about the gatherings and just show up
.passive inclusion
And then there’s …, which occurs when others are neither accepting nor rejecting; they genuinely don’t care one way or the other whether we show up or not
ambivalence
We encounter … when others ignore us and wish we were elsewhere, and we suffer … when others go out of their way to avoid us altogether.
passive exclusion
active exclusion
T: others order us to leave their parties when they find us there
maximal exclusion
Our emotional reactions to such experiences depend on …
how much we want to be accepted by particular others, and just what their acceptance or rejection of us means.
sometimes we are excluded because others regard us positively
t
it’s also possible to be accepted and liked by others but be hurt because they don’t like us as much as we want them to. This is what … love is often like
unrequited
Those for whom we feel unrequited love may be fond of us in return, but if we want to be loved instead of merely liked, their mildness is painful.
there is only a rough connection between the objective reactions we receive from others and our …
feelings of acceptance or rejection that result, so we will focus on the perception that others value their relationships with us less than we want them to
T: the apparent importance that others attach to their relationships with u
perceived relational value `
Maximal exclusion doesn’t feel much worse than simple ambivalence does
t
being completely adored doesn’t improve our self-esteem beyond the boost we get from being very well-liked
t
we appear to be very sensitive to … that range from ambivalence at the low end to active inclusion at the high end.
small differences in regard from others= As people like us more and more, we feel better and better about ourselves until their positive regard for us is fully ensured
mild rejection from others usually feels just as bad as more extreme rejection does. what feels worse
But decreases in the acceptance we receive from others may be even worse,
those who were accepted by the unseen acquaintance were happier and felt better about themselves than those who were rejected. But other people received evaluations that changed over time, starting poorly and getting better, or starting well and getting worse. how did they fare
The pattern of decreasing acceptance was particularly painful, causing more negative reactions than even constant rejection did
it’s especially awful to experience drops in our …—that is, relational devaluation, or apparent decreases in others’ regard for us
perceived relational value
… really hurts
.Rejection
how do people numb social pain
weed and Tylenol
When relational devaluation occurs, some people experience more hurt than others do. depending on what
attachment style (anx about abandonment) SE
And people who are high in avoidance of intimacy experience more pain with rejection
f less pain when others withdraw; exclusion hurts less when you don’t want to be close to others to begin with
T: people are given the “cold shoulder” and ignored by those around them
ostracism
how prevelant is ostracism
67 percent of Americans admitted that they had given an intimate partner the cold shoulder, and 75 percent reported that they had been ostracized by a loved one
Why do people sometimes intentionally ignore their partners?
an effective way to punish their partners, to avoid confrontation, or to calm down and cool off following a conflict
how do senders and receivers of ostracism interpret the behaviour
sender they usually believe that the ostracism was beneficial in helping them achieve their goals
receiver typically do not consider their partners’ withdrawal to be a kind or effective way to behave, and they usually believe that the ostracism has damaged their relationships
A “cold shoulder” feels cold
t When people feel excluded, they think the room is cooler and that warm food and drink are more desirable than they do when they have not been rejected
how does ostracism influence time
think it goes by slower
What happens next seems to depend on which of a person’s needs are in the most peril how does belongingness needs affect
= compliance but they may also start looking for new, less punishing partners.
when does ostracism lead to anger and violence
More antagonistic reactions may occur when ostracism seems illegitimate and unjust and threatens people’s feelings of control or self-worth
In fact, instances of … or romantic rejection precede most of the awful cases in which students take guns to school and shoot innocent classmates
ostracism
What’s striking is that this Internet ostracism is quite painful even when it is (apparently) dispensed by …
strangers one will never meet.
after people learn that their exclusion is controlled by the computer and that no real interpersonal evaluation exclusion doesn’t hurt
f still does
ostracism wouldn’t hurt if It came from a hated group
f Ostracism even hurts when it is dispensed by groups we despise, such as the Ku Klux Klan
responses to ostracism
compliance
hostility
why do high SE get silent treatment less often
they leave ostracizing friendships
we are likely to feel …3 when others ostracize us, and a core ingredient in such experiences seems to be the perception that …
sadness, anger, and hurt
those others do not value their relationships with us as much as we wish they did.
jealousy can involve a variety of feelings, ranging all the way from sad dejection to actual pride that one’s partner is desirable to others, but the three feelings that define jealousy best are …3
hurt, anger, and fear
why anger in jealousy
It’s being cast aside for someone else that gets people angry, and that anger is usually directed both at the meddlesome rival and at the partner who is beginning to stray
13 percent of all the murders in the United States result from one spouse killing another, and when that occurs, .. is the most common motive
jealousy
2 types of jealousy
reactive and suspicious
T: occurs when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship
reactive jealousy
fantasizing about or flirting with someone else is considered “cheating” by most young adults in the United States why is this a problem
98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women said they had had extradyadic sexual fantasies in the past two months and
Half of the women and two-fifths of the men said they had kissed or fondled an extradyadic interloper, and a fifth of both men and women said they had had intercourse with that person
T: occurs when one’s partner hasn’t misbehaved and one’s suspicions do not fit the facts at hand
suspicious jealousy
is suspicious jealousy always unfounded
t it results from situations that would not trouble a more secure and more trusting partner.
The distinction between the two types of jealousy is meaningful because ….
almost everybody feels reactive jealousy when they realize that their partners have been unfaithful
the distinction between the two isn’t quite as sharp as it may seem why
individual differences and past experiences
how do men and women differ in jealousy
they don’t
One obvious precursor of jealousy is … on a relationship based on CL alt
dependence
People who worry that they can’t measure up to their partners’ expectations or who fret that they’re not what their lovers are looking for are less certain that their relationships will last what feeling is this that increases jealousy
inadequacy
even people with generally high self-esteem can be prone to jealousy if they …
doubt their ability to fulfill a particular partner.
how does matching impact jealousy
discrepant mate value= The less desirable partner is likely to be aware that others could be a better match for his or her lover, and that may cause a sense of inadequacy that does not exist in other areas of his or her life
consider the perilous situation that faces people who feel both dependent on and inadequate in their current relationships what happens here
They need their partners but worry that they’re not good enough to keep them.
which attach style lots of jealousy
preoccupied (dismissing don’t experience much)
They greedily seek closeness with others, but they remain chronically worried that their partners don’t love them enough in return.
what personality traits increase jealousy
high in neuroticism, who tend to worry about a lot of things, are particularly prone to jealousy
which personality trait counteracts jealousy
agreeable
who tries to cause jealousy
people who are high in the Dark Triad traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and/or psychopathy are probably jealous more often
Who Gets Us Jealous?
worse when from friend or past lover or high mate value
what rivals pose most competition
attractive in both men and women and
women care more than men do about a mate’s resources, so men are more jealous of other men who are self-confident, dominant, Page 314assertive, and rich than they are of rivals who are simply very handsome
our rivals are usually not as attractive to our partners as we think they are
t
What Gets Us Jealous? why from evol perspective
jealousy evolved to motivate behavior designed to protect our close relationships from the interference of others those who fended of rivals better reproducers
evol perspective: suggests that men and women should be especially sensitive to different sorts of infidelity in their romantic partners what are these for men
men are more accurate at detecting sexual infidelity in a cheating partner favored men who were too suspicious of their partners’ faithfulness over those who were not suspicious enough due to paternal uncertainty
men cheat more
t
why women jealous evol perspective
enjoyed more success raising their children when they were sensitive to any signs that a man might withdraw the resources that were supporting the care and feeding of their children.
women who frequently and naïvely mated with men who then abandoned them probably did not reproduce as successfully
how does Facebook create opportunities for hurt
ignore or deny a friend request, remove our messages or photo tags, or simply don’t “like” our clever comments with the frequency they deserve
missed gatherings
Facebook official
conflicto ver “in a relationship” status
women tend to assume that that status is more meaningful, entailing stronger feelings and more exclusivity, than men do
when they’re feeling jealous, women spend more time doing what of Facebook
snooping—monitoring their partner’s Facebook activity—particularly when they’re anxious about abandonment
an evolutionary perspective suggests that men should experience more jealousy than women do at the thought of …. infidelity in their mates, whereas women should react more than men do to the threat of …. infidelity, the possibility that their partners are falling in love with someone else
sexual
emotional
does research support evol perspective
yes in forced choice but question validity of this most choose both if allowed= not as significant as seems
- women love comes first so sex= higher threat men can just have casual sex
- brain activations when thinking about scenarios
- faster to assume threatening one is happening
We tend to think that a cheating spouse is more likely to be emotionally attached to the illicit lover when the cheater is a woman rather than a man
t
what percentage of students say that they want to settle down with a mutually monogamous sexual partner at some point in their lives
99%
mate poaching, behavior that is intended to lure someone away from an existing relationship at least for one night, is commonplace gender if in this
men try more
how often is mate poaching successful who is more successful
four-fifths of them have succeeded at least once
poachers who are our friends and attractive
70 percent of us have encountered a poacher’s efforts to lure us away from our partners (or just into bed), and most men (60 percent) and half of all women who have been pursued have succumbed to a poaching attempt
What sort of person pursues someone else’s mate? In general, mate poachers are …
horny, extraverted people who are low in agreeableness and conscientiousness and who approve of adulterous promiscuity
high in dark triad
poachers are shitty LT mates
t
everybody involved tends to keep looking around even after they start a new relationships
who gets poached
hey also do not much value sexual fidelity, and if they’re men, they score higher on the Dark Triad traits, too
The poaching tactics used by men and women tend to differ
trying to entice someone else’s mate, women advertise their good looks and sexual availability, whereas men publicize their power and their willingness to provide their lovers desirable resources
the sex difference disappears, and men dread sexual infidelity only as much as women do when the cheating carries no risk of …
conceiving a child—that is, when their partners cheat with someone of the same sex in a gay or lesbian affair
partners cheat with someone of the same sex in a gay or lesbian affair no jealousy
f botth types of jealousy equal but less
gays, lesbians, Page 320and bisexuals suffer the same upset to either sexual or emotional infidelity
t
All of us tend to get … at the thought of a lover’s sexual infidelity, and we’re … by the prospect of an emotional affair
angry
hurt
a jealous response can be as harmful as the behaviour
t
people respond in ways that may be intended to protect the relationship but that often undermine it further:
spying on their partners, restricting their partners’ freedom, or derogating or threatening their rivals
how to constructively respond to jealousy
straightforwardly expressing their concerns and trying to work things out with their partners or by making themselves or their relationships more desirable
what determines how people respond to jealousy
attachment styles
gender dif in response to jealousy
Women said they would react to the rival’s interference by seeking to improve the relationship
men said they would strive to protect their egos; they planned to get drunk, confront and threaten the rival, and pursue other women
what gender tries to get their partners jealous
women are more likely than men to
Women who seek to improve their relationships by inducing jealousy in their men may succeed only in ..
driving their partners away.
When jealousy is justified and a rival is real, the experts suggest that we work on ….
reducing the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and our sense of self-worth
how do we reducing the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and our sense of self-worth
therapy or on own
Clinical approaches to the treatment of jealousy usually try to (a) reduce … that exaggerates either the threat to the relationship or the harm that its loss would entail; (b) enhance the ….; (c) improve ….so the partners can clarify their expectations and agree on limits that prevent jealous misunderstandings; and (d) increase …2 in the relationship
.irrational, catastrophic thinking
self-esteem of the jealous partner
communication skills
satisfaction and fairness
deception of some sort or another occurs regularly even in intimate relationships that are based on openness and trust.
t
T: intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue
deception
deception can take 3 forms
- conceal info
- divert attention from facts
- half truths
are there any people who don’t lie
60 percent in the U.S., but only 24 percent in the United Kingdom—tell no lies at all
most of us tell … meaningful big lie each week, and about seven percent of us are prolific liars who tell … big lies each day
three
what do women and men lie about
income accomplishments
women pleasure
… of all lies are told to benefit others, protecting their feelings or advancing their interests
one-fourth
we tell more lies to strangers than close loved one
t Fewer self-serving, greedy lies—and fewer lies overall—are told to lovers and friends than to acquaintances and strangers. but when its a big lie more likely to be to a close loved one
… percent of the participants admitted that they had lied to their lovers within the last week
97
problem with lies?
- feel less comfortable
2. undermine trust in receiver
T: When people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest and trustworthy as a result
deceivers distrust
lies are more harmful than liars expect
t
The recipient (or victim) of a partner’s wrongdoing almost always considers it more ….than the perpetrator does
informative and influential
who lies more
insecure
practiced liars are better liars
f
A liar’s performance depends, in part, on the level of …
motivation (and guilt and fear) with which he or she enacts the lie (either short lie without detail or grand scripted)
when they deliver their lies, motivated liars do a poorer, more suspicious job than do those who have less to lose and who are more spontaneous and relaxed why
because strong emotions are harder to conceal than mild feelings are
what nonverbal tell us someone is lying
those who are lying can appear to be cool and calm, and those telling the truth can fidget, and there’s no reliable relation between any particular pattern of nonverbal behavior and lying
how can you tell a lie then
careful attention to what people are saying—not just how they are saying it—can alert us to inconsistencies in their statements
discrepancies between their verbal and nonverbal behavior that give them away
Lying is usually apparent in …
changes in a person’s ordinary demeanor
People can learn to detect deception in others how
only one persons lies learn idiosyncrasies
why are people are sometimes certain that their partners are telling the truth when their partners are actually lying.
truth bias they assume that their partners are usually telling the truth
we correctly distinguish truths from lies … percent of the time
54
if the listener doesn’t … the liar, not many lies in close relationships are detected at the time they’re told; if the truth comes out, it’s usually later on
actively interrogate
we are worse at lie detecting with our partners
f better but overestimate ability
T: disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such treachery
betrayed
examples of betrayal
Sexual and emotional infidelity and lying
what does betrayal do to perceived relational value
reduce it When we are victimized by intimate partners, their betrayals demonstrate that they do not value their relationships with us as much as we had believed
casual acquaintances cannot betray us as thoroughly and hurtfully as trusted intimates can why
for losses of relational value of this sort to occur, we must have (or think we have) a desired relationship that is injured
how common is betrayal
Almost all of us have betrayed someone and have been betrayed by someone else in a close relationship at some time or another.
Perceived betrayals sometimes occur when people have the best intentions but …
simply cannot honor all of the overlapping and competing demands that intimacy and interdependency may make
betrayal is less frequent among those who are …3
older, better educated, and religious
those who report repeated betrayals of others tend to be unhappy, resentful, vengeful, and suspicious people. why
betrayers do not trust others much, perhaps because they wrongly attribute to others the same motives they recognize in themselves
do men and women differ in betrayal
only in targets of it
Men are more likely than women to betray their romantic partners and business associates, whereas women betray their friends and family members
The least damaging mode of discovery, if our partners do learn of our betrayal, is for us to…
admit our wrongdoing without being asked
because your bold lie will compound your sins if (when?) the truth comes out.
A crafty strategy is to deception is to …;
confess to a less serious offense
a partial confession often seems more trustworthy than a claim of complete innocence, and it avoids the harsher consequences of admitting the more serious wrong
how often do purpetrator and receiver think betrayal was harmful
93 percent of the time, they feel that a betrayal damages the partnership, leading to lower satisfaction and lingering suspicion and doubt
purp 50% they think it improved in 1/5 cases
T: doing Page 329some intentional harm to those who have harmed them
revenge
why revenge is a bad idea
- stems from the different perspectives of perpetrator and victim= now they victim and need to hurt you again= cycle
- self serving biases tend to excuse actions of our own that we judge to be blameworthy in others
- expect it to be more satisfying than it is (stray distressed)
If it’s okay when I do it but wrong when you do it, revenge is impossible because
to calibrate so that genuine justice is served.
retaliation is usually fulfilling only when those who have wronged us …; revenge is actually less satisfying than doing nothing at all when the original perpetrator fails to see that he or she had it coming
connect the dots, understand why they’re now being harmed, and see the error of their ways
people who are prone to vengeance tend to be pretty sour folks who are high in … low in …. and generally less happy with life than those of us who are less vengeful
neuroticism and dark triad, low in agreeableness,
T: a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you
forgivness
forgivness requires you forget a partners misbehaviour
t
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you regain positive feelings toward the offender— it means getting …
past your negative feelings and letting go of your ire and antipathy is the key
who forgives more easily
secure attach = engage in less angry rumination that keeps an injury fresh in their minds
agreeableness
low N
self control
no matter who we are, forgiveness comes more readily when some important ingredients exist. 3
- genuine, sincere contrition
- empathy on the part of the victim
- less likely to occur when victims brood about their partners’ transgressions and remain preoccupied with the damage done by their misbehavior
extra: good relationships, committed
forgiveness is more likely to occur in close, committed relationships than in those that are less committed why
because empathy occurs more easily and because the betrayers are more likely to apologize
when people are forgiven, they are often grateful and, as a result, more …
repentant and less likely to repeat the offense
how does forgiving benefit the forgiver
people who are able to forgive their intimate partners usually enjoy more personal well-being—that is, more self-esteem, less hostility, less distress and tension, and more satisfaction with life better health (reduces BP
Forgiveness is advantageous when a partner misbehaves …2
rarely and deserves to be forgiven
when is forgiveness bad for satisfaction
it was associated with lower satisfaction when one’s spouse was frequently disrespectful
Drops in … known as relational devaluation cause hurt feelings that leave us psychologically wounded and despondent.
perceived relational value
Who Gets Us Jealous?
Rivals who have high mate value and are attractive to our partners are particularly threatening.
People who succeed in reducing unwanted.. maintain a sense of self-worth with or without their present partners.
jealousy`
No single cue always indicates that people are lying
t
Most lies are not detected at the time they’re proffered.
t
pro and con of telling deception on close relationship
Intimate partners have detailed knowledge of each other, but they also exhibit a truth bias that leads them to assume that their partners are being honest with them.
