Chapter 14 Flashcards
that people often behave in various ways that protect and maintain desirable relationships. …, the strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships
Relationship maintenance mechanisms
Relationship maintenance mechanisms, the strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships, have been studied by researchers from two different scholarly camps.
staying commitment and content
People’s perspectives change in several important ways when they are committed to their relationships
- they think of themselves not as separate individuals but as part of a greater whole that includes them and their partners
- committed partners think of each other with positive illusions
- Committed partners tend to think that their relationships are better than most, and the happier they are, the more exceptional they consider their relationships to be
This change in self-definition is referred to as …, and it makes some of the other maintenance mechanisms I mention below more likely to occur
cognitive interdependence
T: idealizing each other and perceiving their relationship in the best possible light
committed partners think of each other with positive illusions
people are often well aware of the specific obnoxious and thoughtless things their partners sometimes do and still hold PI
t
T: makes one’s partnership seem even more special and really does make a relationship more likely to last
perceived superiority
but contented lovers display an i…that leaves them relatively uninterested and unaware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships
inattention to alternatives
T: when committed partners do notice attractive rivals to their relationships, they judge them to be less desirable than others think them to be
derogation of tempting alternatives allows people to feel that other potential partners are less attractive than the ones they already have
when is derogation of tempting alternatives strongest
most attractive rivals
committed partners do not derogate images of attractive members of the other sex when they are said to be in another city far away, but they do find them less attractive when they are …
said to be fellow students on one’s own campus
This …often involves trivial costs (such as seeing a movie that doesn’t interest you because your partner wants to go), and contented partners frequently make such small sacrifices
willingness to sacrifice
what role does prayer play
Careful studies have found that those who begin praying for the success and well-being of their partners become more satisfied with the sacrifices they make
only when directed at partner
those who pray for their partners tend to be more satisfied with, and more committed to, their relationships.
T: People have rarely finished growing and changing when their partnerships begin, and committed partners help each other become who they wish to be when the partners’ goals promote the health of their relationship. promoting the self-growth we seek—both our relationships and our personal well-being are enhanced
Michelangelo phenomenon
T: the willingness to control the impulse to respond in kind to a partner’s provocation and to instead respond constructively
ACCOMODATION
that accommodation takes work. It requires us to bite our tongues and hold our tempers, so it involves active self-restraint—and in fact, … (the ability to manage one’s impulses, control one’s thoughts, persevere in pursuit of desired goals
self-control
self-control enocurages… 3
forgivness
more sacrifices
withstand temptation
the more … two partners possess—that is, the greater the sum of their combined abilities to make good decisions and to do the right thing—the smoother and more satisfying their relationship will routinely be
self-control
No matter who we are, though, self-control is reduced when we are …
stressed, distracted, or fatigued,
… bolsters self-control; acceptance by a loving partner enhances our abilities to behave in ways that protect our relationships
feeling connected to family and friends
Nearly all of us (… percent) think that adultery is “morally wrong” (Dugan, 2015), and most of us (… percent) think that if we found out that our spouses were having affairs, we’d leave and get a divorce
91
62
if you discover that your partner in (what had been) a worthy relationship has been unfaithful leave them
f try not to act in haste. Calm counsel can assist you in understanding what happened and in reaching an informed, profitable decision about how best to put your pain behind you
couples should never throw away a marriage in the midst of a crisis of infidelity; you never know when you’re going to need it later”
t
second piece of advice about cheating
do your part to protect your partnership by steering clear of temptation
Self-control can be difficult, but there’s another behavioral maintenance mechanism that is easier to enact: …
play.
What sorts of activities should you choose? and when
The specifics are up to you, but try to pursue entertainments that are novel, exciting, playful, and passionate.
be spontaneous
play and they have beneficial effects only when …
both you and your partner want to participate
spending .. minutes doing something fun and exciting each week is likely to leave you happier and more satisfied with your relationship a few months from now
90
are rituals bad then
f more rituals a couple shares, the more intimate and satisfied they tend to be
Contented couples also develop rituals, recurring patterns of behavior that become familiar routines that “if gone, would be missed” :T
rituals
Finally, those who are committed to a partnership are more likely to offer … after a partner’s betrayal
forgiveness
9 strategies for relationship maintenance
positivity, openness, relationship talk, assurances, understanding, sharing tasks, social networks, joint activities (same for friendships)
Partners who routinely do the things listed in Table 14.1 enjoy greater fondness for each other and greater … to their relationships than do those who work less hard to maintain their partnerships
commitment (especially true when both partners behave this way)
which 3 strategies most important
positivity, assurances, and sharing tasks
A Prescription for Contentment: 1,2,3
- Appreciate your partner. 2. Express your gratitude. 3. Repeat.
if you’re lucky (and wise and diligent) enough to have a great relationship, there’s a danger that you’ll come to take it for granted. (In the language of interdependence theory, …arison level will creep upward.)
your comp
Tune in. Feel obligated to take notice of the thoughtful acts of affection, benevolence, and generosity your partner provides you. Then, each week, make a point of telling your partner which …
three kindnesses, large or small, you enjoyed the most.
people who start “gratitude journals” in which they keep track of their joys and good fortune become genuinely happier
t
when we express our gratitude to our partners, we …
provide them powerfully rewarding acknowledgment and affection
Our evident appreciation helps us how
reduces the costs of the favors they do us so that their small sacrifices are easier for them to bear
the effects of being loving cheerful and fair last into the future
f in order to maintain happy relationships, we have to keep at it. And here’s where self-control is pertinent again
The maintenance mechanisms that protect and preserve relationships have something in common with taking good care of your car what
If you shopped wisely and made a good buy, you’re likely to be a happy driver if you conscientiously engage in a consistent program of thoughtful maintenance, regularly changing the oil, adding antifreeze, and generally taking care of business. Still, sooner or later, despite your efforts, things may break, and a repair rather than a tune-up will be in order. If the repair is simple, you may want to do it yourself, but there may also be occasions in which you’ll need professional help.
people who read self-help books think they are a waste of time
f helpful
why is diy sometimes hard
Our perceptions of our own behavior tend to be contaminated by self-serving biases, and it’s often hard for us to recognize how we are contributing to the relational difficulties we face
