Chapter 14 Flashcards
that people often behave in various ways that protect and maintain desirable relationships. …, the strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships
Relationship maintenance mechanisms
Relationship maintenance mechanisms, the strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships, have been studied by researchers from two different scholarly camps.
staying commitment and content
People’s perspectives change in several important ways when they are committed to their relationships
- they think of themselves not as separate individuals but as part of a greater whole that includes them and their partners
- committed partners think of each other with positive illusions
- Committed partners tend to think that their relationships are better than most, and the happier they are, the more exceptional they consider their relationships to be
This change in self-definition is referred to as …, and it makes some of the other maintenance mechanisms I mention below more likely to occur
cognitive interdependence
T: idealizing each other and perceiving their relationship in the best possible light
committed partners think of each other with positive illusions
people are often well aware of the specific obnoxious and thoughtless things their partners sometimes do and still hold PI
t
T: makes one’s partnership seem even more special and really does make a relationship more likely to last
perceived superiority
but contented lovers display an i…that leaves them relatively uninterested and unaware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships
inattention to alternatives
T: when committed partners do notice attractive rivals to their relationships, they judge them to be less desirable than others think them to be
derogation of tempting alternatives allows people to feel that other potential partners are less attractive than the ones they already have
when is derogation of tempting alternatives strongest
most attractive rivals
committed partners do not derogate images of attractive members of the other sex when they are said to be in another city far away, but they do find them less attractive when they are …
said to be fellow students on one’s own campus
This …often involves trivial costs (such as seeing a movie that doesn’t interest you because your partner wants to go), and contented partners frequently make such small sacrifices
willingness to sacrifice
what role does prayer play
Careful studies have found that those who begin praying for the success and well-being of their partners become more satisfied with the sacrifices they make
only when directed at partner
those who pray for their partners tend to be more satisfied with, and more committed to, their relationships.
T: People have rarely finished growing and changing when their partnerships begin, and committed partners help each other become who they wish to be when the partners’ goals promote the health of their relationship. promoting the self-growth we seek—both our relationships and our personal well-being are enhanced
Michelangelo phenomenon
T: the willingness to control the impulse to respond in kind to a partner’s provocation and to instead respond constructively
ACCOMODATION
that accommodation takes work. It requires us to bite our tongues and hold our tempers, so it involves active self-restraint—and in fact, … (the ability to manage one’s impulses, control one’s thoughts, persevere in pursuit of desired goals
self-control
self-control enocurages… 3
forgivness
more sacrifices
withstand temptation
the more … two partners possess—that is, the greater the sum of their combined abilities to make good decisions and to do the right thing—the smoother and more satisfying their relationship will routinely be
self-control
No matter who we are, though, self-control is reduced when we are …
stressed, distracted, or fatigued,
… bolsters self-control; acceptance by a loving partner enhances our abilities to behave in ways that protect our relationships
feeling connected to family and friends
Nearly all of us (… percent) think that adultery is “morally wrong” (Dugan, 2015), and most of us (… percent) think that if we found out that our spouses were having affairs, we’d leave and get a divorce
91
62
if you discover that your partner in (what had been) a worthy relationship has been unfaithful leave them
f try not to act in haste. Calm counsel can assist you in understanding what happened and in reaching an informed, profitable decision about how best to put your pain behind you
couples should never throw away a marriage in the midst of a crisis of infidelity; you never know when you’re going to need it later”
t
second piece of advice about cheating
do your part to protect your partnership by steering clear of temptation
Self-control can be difficult, but there’s another behavioral maintenance mechanism that is easier to enact: …
play.
What sorts of activities should you choose? and when
The specifics are up to you, but try to pursue entertainments that are novel, exciting, playful, and passionate.
be spontaneous
play and they have beneficial effects only when …
both you and your partner want to participate
spending .. minutes doing something fun and exciting each week is likely to leave you happier and more satisfied with your relationship a few months from now
90
are rituals bad then
f more rituals a couple shares, the more intimate and satisfied they tend to be
Contented couples also develop rituals, recurring patterns of behavior that become familiar routines that “if gone, would be missed” :T
rituals
Finally, those who are committed to a partnership are more likely to offer … after a partner’s betrayal
forgiveness
9 strategies for relationship maintenance
positivity, openness, relationship talk, assurances, understanding, sharing tasks, social networks, joint activities (same for friendships)
Partners who routinely do the things listed in Table 14.1 enjoy greater fondness for each other and greater … to their relationships than do those who work less hard to maintain their partnerships
commitment (especially true when both partners behave this way)
which 3 strategies most important
positivity, assurances, and sharing tasks
A Prescription for Contentment: 1,2,3
- Appreciate your partner. 2. Express your gratitude. 3. Repeat.
if you’re lucky (and wise and diligent) enough to have a great relationship, there’s a danger that you’ll come to take it for granted. (In the language of interdependence theory, …arison level will creep upward.)
your comp
Tune in. Feel obligated to take notice of the thoughtful acts of affection, benevolence, and generosity your partner provides you. Then, each week, make a point of telling your partner which …
three kindnesses, large or small, you enjoyed the most.
people who start “gratitude journals” in which they keep track of their joys and good fortune become genuinely happier
t
when we express our gratitude to our partners, we …
provide them powerfully rewarding acknowledgment and affection
Our evident appreciation helps us how
reduces the costs of the favors they do us so that their small sacrifices are easier for them to bear
the effects of being loving cheerful and fair last into the future
f in order to maintain happy relationships, we have to keep at it. And here’s where self-control is pertinent again
The maintenance mechanisms that protect and preserve relationships have something in common with taking good care of your car what
If you shopped wisely and made a good buy, you’re likely to be a happy driver if you conscientiously engage in a consistent program of thoughtful maintenance, regularly changing the oil, adding antifreeze, and generally taking care of business. Still, sooner or later, despite your efforts, things may break, and a repair rather than a tune-up will be in order. If the repair is simple, you may want to do it yourself, but there may also be occasions in which you’ll need professional help.
people who read self-help books think they are a waste of time
f helpful
why is diy sometimes hard
Our perceptions of our own behavior tend to be contaminated by self-serving biases, and it’s often hard for us to recognize how we are contributing to the relational difficulties we face
There are often problems, however, with the popular advice the media provide. why
not proper credentials
their opinions not facts
wrong advice from The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
Unfortunately, the rules were wrong. In order to enhance their desirability, readers were advised to stay aloof and mysterious and to avoid seeming too eager to develop a new relationship= rules are negatively correlated with men’s interest
Credible books and self-help sites may also be particularly valuable to people who are …
too embarrassed to seek formal therapy. but not as good as therapy
f you’re seeking good (and free!) advice, I recommend the …
Utah Marriage Handbook
Before problems begin, fine-tuning a couple’s expectations and communication skills may pay big dividends.
t
The …, typically involves about 12 hours of training spread across five sessions
Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program, or PREP
PREP meetings focus on 4 (it works)
- The power of commitment to change partners’ outlooks and behavior.
- The importance of having fun together.
- The value of open communication about sex.
- The consequences of inappropriate expectations.
Participants are also taught the speaker-listener technique
Engaged and newlywed couples who participate in a premarital prevention program are less than half as likely to separate over the next 3 years as are couples who do not receive such education why 2
PREP and other programs like it are usually beneficial, at least for a while, particularly for high-risk couples
couples who participate in such programs are more likely than others to seek couples counseling if they need it later on
ariety of therapeutic approaches, and three different broad types of therapies appear to be helpful for most people most of the time differ in 3
(a) their focus on problematic behavior, thoughts, or feelings; (b) their focus on individual vulnerabilities or the couple’s interaction as the source of dysfunction; and (c) their emphasis on past events or present difficulties as the source of distress
Most of the time, unhappy spouses aren’t very nice to each other, and a classic intervention, …, encourages them to be more pleasant and rewarding partners
traditional behavioral couple therapy (or TBCT)
increase rewards decrease costs
TBCT: Therapists may schedule .. in which one partner deliberately sets out to do favors and kindnesses that are requested by the other.
“love days”
This sort of contract fails to increase positive exchanges if either partner falters, so …, parallel agreements in which behavior change is rewarded with special privileges, are also used
good faith contracts
TBCT: one such agreement, … behavior change from one partner is directly linked to behavior change by the other
a quid pro quo contract,4
In addition to encouraging desirable behavior, … seeks to change various aspects of the ways partners think about and appraise their partnership.
cognitive-behavioral couple therapy (or CBCT)
The therapy addresses spouses’ …, their tendency to notice some things and to ignore others, and tries to instill more …, more …, and more adaptive relationship beliefs in each partner.
selective attention
reasonable expectations
forgiving attributions
T: , an approach that seeks both to encourage more desirable behavior and to teach the partners to tolerantly accept the incompatibilities that they cannot change
integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT)
IBCT Acceptance of one’s own and one’s partner’s imperfections is promoted through three techniques
empathetic joining
unified detachment,
tolerance building
T: spouses are taught to express their pain and vulnerabilities without any blame or resentment that will make their partners defensive
empathetic joining
T: an intellectual perspective that defuses emotion and helps the couple understand with cool dispassion their problematic patterns of interaction.
unified detachment,
spouses are taught to become less sensitive and to react less intensely when problematic behavior occurs
tolerance building
Thus, the three behavioral approaches share a …
focus on the partners’ actions toward each other
how well do these therapies work
Between 60 and 70 percent of the couples who seriously undertake any of these therapies achieve notable reductions in their dissatisfaction and distress that lasts for years
Behavior, Cognitions, or Emotions
Individual or Couple
Present or Past
BCT where do they fall on each category
Behavior
Couple
Present
Behavior, Cognitions, or Emotions
Individual or Couple
Present or Past
CBCT
Cognitions
Both
Present
Behavior, Cognitions, or Emotions
Individual or Couple
Present or Past
Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy
Emotions
Both
Present
Behavior, Cognitions, or Emotions
Individual or Couple
Present or Past
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy
Emotions
Both
Present
Behavior, Cognitions, or Emotions
Individual or Couple
Present or Past
Insight-Oriented Couple Therapy
Emotions & Cognitions
Individual
Past
T: , is derived from attachment theory and EFCT strives to improve relationships by increasing the partners’ attachment security
emotionally focused couple therapy (or EFCT)
Like the behavioral approaches, EFCT seeks to reestablish desirable patterns of interaction between spouses, but its primary focus is on the …
emotions the partners experience as they seek to fulfill their attachment needs.
identify such maladaptive cycles of emotional communication AND REPLACE WITH SECURITY
EFCT Three stages are involved (Johnson, 2004).
1, In the first, problematic patterns of communication or conflict are identified
- the partners begin to establish constructive new patterns of interaction that acknowledge the other’s needs and that provide more reassurance and comfort.
- partners rehearse and reinforce their responsiveness to each other
EFCT effectivness?
EFCT is quite effective with couples who are moderately distressed; about 70 percent of them overcome their dissatisfaction by the time treatment is complete`
what therapy derived from Freud
Various interventions seek to promote partners’ insights into such problematic “baggage,” but a prototypical example of this approach is insight-oriented couple therapy (IOCT)
T: it strives to help people comprehend how the personal habits and assumptions they developed in other relationships may be creating difficulty with their present partners.
IOCT
3 main tenants of IOCT
In the ways they choose a mate and behave toward their partners, people are frequently influenced by hidden tensions and unresolved needs of which they are unaware.
Many of these unconscious conflicts stem from events that took place either in one’s family of origin or in prior romantic relationships.
The major therapeutic goal is for the clients to gain insight into their unconscious conflicts so they can choose to feel and act differently
A primary tool of IOCT is …, the process through which a spouse re-imagines and revisits past relationships in an effort to identify the themes and coping styles that characterized conflicts with past partners
affective reconstruction
IOCT how many sessions and how effective
All of this typically takes 15–20 sessions with a therapist. Like the emotionally focused and behavioral approaches to therapy, IOCT appears to help most couples
marital therapy seriously participate in any of these therapies are likely to be better off afterward, and (as a rough average) about … of them will no longer be dissatisfied with their marriages
two-thirds but depends in investment
So, which of these therapies is for you?
Pick the therapy—and the therapist—that appeal to you the most
The best therapy for you is very likely to be the one that sounded most interesting as you read these last few page and there are three reasons why.
- despite their different labels and different emphases, the therapies I have introduced all share some common features, and that may be why they all work
- the therapist you select may be just as important as the therapy you choose
- a therapeutic approach that interests you may be more likely to offer hope that real change is possible, and such optimism can be very influential
what do all the therapies have in common
provides a reasonable explanation of why a couple has been experiencing difficulty, and each provides a hopeful new perspective on how such difficulties can be overcome. Toward that end, each provides a means of changing patterns of interaction that have been causing distress, and each increases a couple’s repertoire of more effective, more desirable behavior.
all these therapies They are all underutilized equally be men and women
f particularly true of men; they’re slower to recognize that problems exist, less likely to believe that therapy will help, and slower to seek therapy when it’s warranted than women are
there is always the chance, once a couple’s problems are understood, that a therapist will recommend dissolving the marriage
t
when does car analogy not work
Sooner or later, no matter how you take care of them, cars wear out and must be replaced, and that’s not necessarily true of intimate relationships at all.
When 100 couples who had been contentedly married for 45 years were asked to explain their success, they replied that: 4
They valued marriage and considered it a long-term commitment.
A sense of humor was a big help.
They were similar enough that they agreed about most things.
They genuinely liked their spouses and enjoyed spending time with them.
… are strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships.
Relationship maintenance mechanisms
Cognitive maintenance mechanisms include …5
cognitive interdependence, positive illusions, perceived superiority, inattention to alternatives, and derogation of alternatives.
Behavioral maintenance mechanisms include …8
willingness to sacrifice, prayer, the Michelangelo phenomenon, accommodation, self-control, play, rituals, and forgiveness.
what 2 things help therapy work
Couples who trust their therapists and enter therapy with positive expectations are likely to derive real benefit from any of them.
Suffocation model article
…
Throughout American history, the fundamental purpose of marriage has shifted from (a) helping spouses meet their basic economic and political needs to (b) … and c
helping them meet their intimacy and passion needs to (c) helping them meet their autonomy and personal-growth needs.
According to the suffocation model of marriage in America, these changes have had two major consequences for marital quality, one negative and one positive. what negative
Americans have increasingly looked to their marriage to help them meet idiosyncratic, self-expressive needs, the proportion of marriages that fall short of their expectations has grown, which has increased rates of marital dissatisfaction
what positive
those marriages that succeed in meeting these needs are particularly fulfilling, more so than the best marriages in earlier eras.
the link between marital quality and psychological well- being has become stronger over time
t
Why do people get married in the first place?
One answer is that people marry because marriage is an end in itself, but the deeper answer is that marriage is a pathway through which people seek to meet certain needs and goals (to feel safe, to express love, etc.).
T: The primary function of marriage, both directly and indirectly through familial ties, was to help spouses fulfill needs like food production, shelter, and protection from violence
institutional era
T: Its primary purpose was to help spouses fulfill needs like loving, being loved, and experiencing romantic passion= belonging
companionate era
T: mericans continued to look to their marriage to fulfill their love and belonging needs, but they also increasingly looked to it to fulfill needs like self-esteem, self-expression, and personal growth—the sorts of esteem and self-actualization
self-expressive
The overall quantity of Americans’ marital expectations has not changed much, whereas the nature of these .. has changed considerably
.expecta- tions
Why average marriages are less satisfying than in earlier eras?
This greater emphasis on relationship processes that require mutual insight means that investing time and energy in the relationship is much more important today than in the past. As a result, a level of investment in the relationship that would have been sufficient to meet spouses’ marital expectations in earlier eras is frequently insufficient today.
his problem is exacerbated by a cruel cultural twist:
Just as Americans have increasingly looked to their mar- riage to help them fulfill higher rather than lower needs in Maslow’s hierarchy, they have decreasingly invested the time and energy required to help the marriage meet these expectations.
crucial factor in helping spouses meet each other’s higher needs may not be time investment per se, but something closer to the amount of …—the cognitive and psychological resources that help us focus on a given task that we dedicate to marriage
bandwidth
The squeeze emerging from these two processes— insufficient fuel to meet the demands contemporary Americans are placing on their marriage—gives the suf- focation model its name= what are these 2 forces
Americans have increasingly looked to marriage to help them fulfill higher needs, a process that requires a strongly nurtured relationship, they have increasingly deprived their relationship of that nurtur- ance.
among wealthy nations that prize self- expression (as America does), factors associated with sat- isfying lower-altitude needs are … linked to psychological well-being
weakly
, whereas factors associated with satisfying higher-altitude needs are strongly linked to psychological well-being
This trend helps to explain why the association of marital quality with personal well-being is getting stronger over time what trend
as Americans’ marital expectations have increasingly shifted from lower- to higher-altitude needs, the extent to which their marriage meets the relevant needs has become a stronger predictor of marital quality.
what is the supply and demand in this model
ensuring that oxy- genation (supply) is sufficient to meet spouses’ expecta- tions (demand)—implies three potential avenues for bolstering marital quality
what can be done
- spouses can increase their level of investment
- spouses can pursue low-effort strategies designed to optimize the use of their existing resources
- spouses can ask their marriage to shoulder less responsibility for helping them fulfill high- altitude needs
Americans across the socioeconomic spectrum have extremely simi- lar views about which factors are important for a success- ful marriage
t = Americans across the socioeconomic spectrum share a cultural worldview of what makes marriage successful, but poorer Americans are increasingly finding their higher-altitude aspirations out of reach.
