Chapter 11 Flashcards
conflict is inevitable
t
the less interdependent the more conflict
f more interdependent
Interpersonal conflict can result whenever one person’s motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another. what is at the heart of conflict then
dissimilarity
which may be passing in the form of moods, or lasting in the form of beliefs and personality
Conflict occurs when …
one’s wishes or actions actually obstruct or impede those of someone else.
conflicts are always overt and hostile
f
Conflict is inescapable for two reasons. …
First, the moods and preferences of any two people will occasionally differ.
conflict is unavoidable because there are certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain
T: people often experience opposing motivations
dialects
For instance, one potent dialectic in close relationships is the continual tension between personal … to others.
autonomy and connection
Maintaining an equilibrium between indep and interdependance is a tricky balancing act, because
and we can’t simultaneously maintain high independence from a romantic partner and high interdependence with him or her, so something’s got to give (strive to fulfill opposing motives at different rates and at different times.
4 important dialects
autonomy and connection
openness and closedness
stability and change
integration and seperation
what is the stability change dialect opposing forces
People with pleasant partnerships will want to maintain and protect them, keeping things the way they are. But people also relish novelty and excitement
integration and seperation dialect forces?
our motives to stay involved with other people are sometimes at odds with the wish to devote ourselves to a romantic partnership
the 4 dialects accounted for more than … of the recent fights and arguments reported by married couples in one study
one-third
one study determined that some conflict occurred every … in conversations between 4-year-olds and their mothers
3.6 minutes
Dating couples report …conflicts per week when they keep diaries of their interactions, and spouses report … memorable “differences of opinion” every 2 weeks
2.3
seven
spouses also experience one or .. “unpleasant disagreements” each month
.two
are conflicts always brought up
f students didn’t mention to their partners 40 percent of the conflicts and irritations they identified in their dating relationships= happens more often than we think
Various influences are correlated with the amount of conflict we encounter:
personality attachment style stage of life similarity stress alcohol sleep
how does personality influence disagreements
neuroticism = more
high A= less
attachment style influence on conflict
secure= less and manage better anxious= perceive dissension and difficulty where it does not exist, and then respond with greater hurt and distress than others would
which attachment style combo worst for conflict
A married couple comprising an anxious wife and an avoidant husband is especially combustible: Her exaggerated fears chase him away, and his withdrawal then further fuels her worries (both members of such couples evidence elevated levels of stress before a discussion of a disagreement even begins )
stage of life influence on conflict
young adult= more due to changes of passage into adulthood
old= fewer disagreements
similarity and conflict?
spouses who share similar tastes and expectations encounter less conflict and enjoy happier marriages than do those who have less in common
Dissimilarity fuels friction, not smooth sailing.
stress and conflict?
People who have had hard, stressful days tend to be irritable and ornery when they get home, and the greater the combined stress two partners have experienced during the day, the more likely they are to encounter conflict that evening
sleep and conflict
less sleep = more conflict
Partners tend to sleep poorly after they quarrel, and that leaves them grumpy and irritable the next day
alcohol and conflict
Drunkenness made the men more sour and surly; in response to events of the same average intensity, intoxicated men were more hostile and blaming than sober men were.
what triggers conflict
disagree about any issue
specify things that men do that upset women (and vice versa), he grouped their answers into … distinct sources of conflict.
147
what do parents disagree about most (3)
- more about how to manage, discipline, and care for their children—and when—than about anything else
- division of chores
- communication is third
It’s down in sixth place, but the most enduring, contentious, and sometimes surly disagreements revolve around …= especially potent impact on satisfaction
money
these topics of conflict are present around the world and are stable
t they don’t stop being points of contention; the rates with which they cause frustrating disagreements remain remarkably stable over time
classified the events that instigate conflicts into four common categories: …
criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances
T: verbal or nonverbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with a partner’s behavior, attitude, or trait
criticism
what is said is what deems something criticism
f how it is perceived
T: involve requests that seem unjust because they exceed the normal expectations that the partners hold for each other
illegitimate demands
T: involve situations in which “one person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected”
rebuffs
T: relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition.
cumulative annoyances
cumulative annoyances often taketh form of … Through repeated exposure to small recurring nuisances, people may develop hypersensitive reactions of disgust and exasperation that seem out of proportion to any particular provocation
social allergies
what are common cumulative annoyance for men vs women
Women are especially likely to become annoyed with men’s uncouth habits, such as belching at the dinner table, and men are likely to grow irritated with women’s lack of consideration, such as being late for appointments and shopping too long
evolutionary perspective on conflict
some conflict in heterosexual relationships flows naturally from differences in the partners’ reproductive interests.
evolutionary perspective on conflict is true for what aspect on conflict for men and women n
“Women, far more than men, become angry and upset by those who want sex sooner, more frequently, and more persistently than they want. Men, far more than women, become angry and upset by those who delay sex or thwart their sexual advances
The question of whether to have sex is usually answered when people settle into established relationships, but the question of … may persist for decades and often the whole relationship
how often to have sex
how do conflict points differ for gay couples
Gay men are more likely than anyone else to disagree about the rules regarding extradyadic sex, but otherwise, gays and lesbians are just as likely as their straight brothers and sisters1 to fuss about chores, communication, money
T: guarantee that partners will have slightly different explanations for their actions than anyone else does
actor observer effects
T: lead them to judge their own actions more favorably than others do
self serving biases
2 ways different attributions cause conflict
frustrating misunderstandings can result if people fail to appreciate that their partners always have their own individual points of view. And second, if those differing views come to light, the partners may engage in attributional conflict
T: fighting over whose explanation is right and whose account is wrong
attributional conflict
why are attribution conflicts hard to solve
Attributional arguments are often hard to resolve because when people disagree with us, we tend to think they’re biased, and that’s annoying
there may not be any single explanation for an event that is objectively and conclusively correct
how do happy couples attribute their partners misdeeds
Benevolent attributions paint a partner in a favorable light and make it seem likely that conflicts can be resolved, and that’s one reason such attributions promote continued satisfaction with a relationship
when we get angry, it’s dangerous to bottle it up
f anger is not inevitable
problem with thinking anger must be expressed
they promote behavior that may actually cause higher stress that lasts for longer periods of time
When you ‘let out’ an emotion it usually lands on somebody else, and how you feel—relieved, angrier, depressed—is going to depend on …
what the other person does
in close relationships, where people expect generous and tolerant treatment from each other, aggressive displays of anger often get you what in return
just get our partners angry in return.
expressing anger while you feel angry nearly always makes you feel angrier
t
how is expressing anger dangerous
80 percent of the men who got visibly angry at their wives during a conflict discussion in a lab study reported at least one cardiovascular symptom of poor health 20 years later, whereas men who stayed cool and calm had a much lower rate (50 percent)
we should ignore our anger instead
f telling you something is wrong
how to manage anger
- think differently (change attributions)
- if you get angry chill out
- and humour
how to change attributions of anger
think of yourself as fly on wall
Take no more than… long, slow, deep breaths per minute and you will calm down
six
destructive anger cant be overcome
f can ; “if you each try to help the other person master a new way of dealing with anger, and do this repeatedly, you will find the old patterns giving way to change
how should we attribute conflict
third party growth mindset (our partners can change)
when does avoidance of a conflict occur
occurs only when both partners wish to evade the issue, and it presumably transpires either when the event is seen as insufficient to warrant active dispute or when the issue seems intractable and conflict will do no good
he couple enters into … and seeks to resolve the conflict through rational problem solving
negotiation
alternative to negotiation in which Other issues may get dragged into the interaction, scornful disregard of the partner may be expressed, and belligerent demands and threats may be made
escalation
When partners say mean and nasty things to each other, they can be of two types
direct or indirect
4 types of direct means
(a) accusations that criticize the partner and attribute negative qualities to him or her; (b) hostile commands for compliance that sometimes involve threats of physical or emotional harm; (c) antagonistic questions; and (d) surly or sarcastic put-downs that communicate disgust or disapproval
4 indirect tactics
(a) condescension or implied negativity that hints at animosity or arrogance; ( b) dysphoric affect, such as melancholy, dejection, or whining; (c) attempts to change topics preemptively, and (d) evasive remarks that fail to acknowledge the partner or that fail to recognize the conflict.
When they are exposed to a cold virus under controlled conditions in a lab, people who have recently been experiencing chronic conflict at home are …times more likely to catch the cold and get sick
two-and-a-half (conflict hinders health_
T: in which they trade escalating provocations back and forth
negative affect reciprocity
describe the cycle of negative affect reciprocity
One person’s testiness makes the other partner peevish, so he or she snaps back; the first person becomes more aggravated, and the second exchange is more noxious
People with secure attachment styles experience milder physiological responses to conflict than insecure people do how do they handle conflict compared to insecure
people with secure styles of attachment are less angry, cooler and calmer, and more collaborative and optimistic when conflict arises. They bounce back from conflict, putting dissension behind them and returning to a positive state of mind, more quickly, too
newlyweds who experience stronger surges of … when they discuss their conflicts are notably less likely to be happily married, or even married at all, 10 years later
adrenalin
for many of us, conflicts that escalate too far or too often have …2 effects
physical as well as psychological effects
T: one partner engages in demanding forms of behavior, such as complaints, criticisms, and pressures for changes, while the other partner engages in withdrawing forms of behavior, such as half-hearted involvement, changing the topic, avoiding discussion, or even walking away
demand withdrawal pattern
where do men and women differ most in their responses to conflict
demand withdrawal around the world women are the demanders and men the withdrawers more often than not (generally more likely still each to either)
why women in demand role
they want to talk about relationship problems
Why do women demand and men withdraw?
gender dif social structure (both correct)
gender dif that could cause demand withdrawal
may result from women seeking closeness and men defending their autonomy
how does social structure explain withdrawal demand roles
men tend to have more power in heterosexual relationships than women do, and if you’re getting your way, you’re likely to resist change.
To some degree, then, the demand/withdraw pattern simply depends on who’s …
pressing the issue
T: The partners announce their positions and work toward a solution in a sensible Page 349manner
negotiation
negotiation: Nice direct tactics include 4
(a) showing a willingness to deal with the problem by accepting responsibility or by offering concessions or a compromise; ( b) exhibiting support for the other’s point of view through paraphrasing; (c) offering self-disclosure with “I-statements”; and (d) providing approval and affection.
indirect nice tactic
humour
more tips to reduce intensity of conflict
future orientation
be optimistic
value your partners outcomes
take a break
First, you can reduce the intensity of your conflict by taking a …: Imagine yourself looking back at your current dispute a year from now, and consider what thoughts would come to mind
future orientation
your partner will be less resistant to your suggestions when they’re always about … instead of just about him or her and consider what .. can do
us
you
4 categories of responses to conflict change on what 2 dimensions
four categories differ in being either active or passive and in being either constructive or destructive:
4 categories of conflict response
voice
loyalty
neglect
exit
T: is behaving in an active, constructive manner by trying to improve the situation by discussing matters with the partner, changing one’s behavior in an effort to solve the problem, or obtaining advice from a friend or therapist.
voice
T: is behaving in a passive but constructive manner by optimistically waiting and hoping for conditions to improve.
loyalty
T: is behaving in a passive but destructive manner by avoiding discussion of critical issues and reducing interdependence with the partner. When one is neglectful, one stands aside and just lets things get worse.
neglect
T: is behaving in an actively destructive manner by leaving the partner, threatening to end the relationship, or engaging in abusive acts such as yelling or hitting.
exit
when is voice vs loyalty better
We typically seek to maintain relationships to which we are committed. And when that’s the case, voice is more beneficial and productive than loyalty: Unlike voice, which communicates interest and concern and typically gets a positive, productive response from one’s partner, loyalty often just goes unnoticed and does no good
when are people likely to exit
when appealing alternatively exist
T: he ability to remain constructive in the face of a lover’s temporary disregard
accommodation
Does the desirability of accommodation mean that you and your partner should avoid arguing with each other?
no Arguments support or erode a couple’s satisfaction depending on the manner in which they are conducted.
T: couples have frequent and passionate arguments. They plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other, and they often display high levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other.
volatile
T: Their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for, and understanding of, the other’s point of view.
validators
how do validators compare to volatiles
fight more politely. They tend to be calmer than volatile couples are, and they behave more like collaborators than like antagonists as they work through their problems.
how do avoiders think problems are solved
Rather than discuss a conflict with their partners, avoiders often just try to fix it on their own or wait it out, hoping that the passage of time will solve the problem.
Although they are very different, Gottman asserted that all three types of couples can last because …
they all maintain a high ratio of rewards to costs in their approaches to conflict
who fails to maintain the 5 to 1 ratio
hostiles
what are hostiles arguments like
Some hostile couples actively address their disagreements but do so badly whereas others remain more detached and uninvolved but snipe at each other in brief salvos of distaste
most common argument pattern?
validating 25% for both spouses
in .. percent of them, at least one of the spouses fought with a hostile style, and sure enough, those couples were less satisfied and had more problems than anyone else
.24
a validator was paired with someone who was volatile or avoidant, these couples weren’t happy
f and those couples were pretty happy, too
Couples in which both spouses were avoiders (2 percent of the sample) or volatile (5 percent) were rather rare but their satisfaction wasn’t hindered
f less satisfied need some validation
But under no circumstances should you allow a conflict discussion to become …
sour, sarcastic, and surly
T: occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict.
seperation
pro and con of seperation
calm down but offers no solutions to a couple’s problem, however, and may simply delay further discord.
T: one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates.
domination
T: occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found
compromise
when are compromises needed
This may be the best outcome available when one person’s gain can come only at the expense of the other, but in other situations, better solutions are usually available.
T: satisfy both partners’ original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility
integrative agreements
pro and cons of integrative agreements
more effort but both get what they want
T: on occasion, the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship
structural improvement
structural improvement happens frequently in happy couples
f not common
pro and con of structural improvement
when it occurs, it may result from significant turmoil and upheaval
structual improvement leaves a couple better off
disagreement is destructive
f this is a dysfunctional belief that is correlated with dissatisfaction
disagreement is destructive why is this view destructive
the more unexpressed nuisances and irritants partners have, the less satisfied with their relationships they tend to be
fester and cause bigger problems later
middle-aged women who fail to speak up when something about their marriages is bothering them are four times more likely than their more vocal neighbors to …
die within the next 10 years
the prevailing view among conflict researchers is that, for all the dilemmas it creates, conflict is an essential tool with which to promote …
intimacy.
If you confront conflict head-on, there’s no guarantee that your difficulties will be resolved and that contentment will follow.
t Nevertheless, it is usually the deft and skillful management of conflict—not the absence of conflict—that allows relationships to grow and prosper
Of course, for many of us, this is easier said than done why
We tend to bring the lessons we learned at home as teenagers with us into our adult romances , and people clearly differ in the sensitivity and dexterity with which they manage conflict
which boys tend to become men who handle conflict poorly, being more surly and sarcastic than their peers
boys who witness violent conflict between their parents
once you and your partner develop a style for managing conflict, it’s likely to last
t but about 20 percent of the young parents who had been fighting destructively changed their styles and became less cantankerous
suggestions for changing to constructive conflict style
- self control
- Don’t withdraw when your partner raises a concern or complaint.
- don’t go negative
- Don’t get caught in a loop of negative affect reciprocity
why is self control important
To the extent that you work at remaining optimistic, avoiding blaming attributions, and mastering your anger, you’re more likely to be tolerant, flexible, and creative, and integrative agreements are more likely to be reached Self-control may also be required for you to successfully execute this list of don’ts drawn from
t’s fair to ask that a difficult discussion be rescheduled for a more convenient time
t as long as you honour it
T: rovides a structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that promotes the use of active listening skills and increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement
speaker listener technique
In particular, the speaker-listener technique is designed to … that too often occurs when partners respond quickly to one another without checking their understanding of the other’s intent.
interrupt the cycle of misperception
3 rules for both of you to stay cool when things get heated
- the speaker has the floor
- share the floor
- no problem solving
2 rules for the speaker
speak for yourself
stop and let the listener paraphrase
what kind of language when you have floor and are speaking for yourself
I statements
2 rules for the listener
paraphrase what you hear
-focus on the speakers message don’t rebut
you can grade your collaboration using a scorecard called the
Fight Effects Profile
what does having a good fight require
self-discipline and genuine caring about one’s partner.
when does conflict occur
when people have to give up something that they want because of their partners’ influence
There are tensions known as … that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain.
dialectics
conflicts frequency is associated with …7.
neuroticism and agreeableness, attachment styles, one’s stage of life, incompatibility between partners, stress, poor sleep, and alcohol use
Four different categories of events cause most conflicts; these are …4
criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances.
…2 contribute to attributional conflict, with partners fighting over whose explanation is right.
Actor/observer effects and self-serving biases
during escalation Surly interaction becomes especially fractious when the partners fall into a pattern of …
negative affect reciprocity.
here are five ways conflicts can end: ….
separation, domination, compromise, integrative agreement, and structural improvement.
