growth Flashcards
Cognitive interdependence
Merging self & other
Commitment related to use of plural pronouns
Motivated reasoning
(positive illusions)
ex. Faults into virtues
Perceived superiority
Unwarranted (?) optimism
Unrealistic perceptions of control
Extends to sexual domain (de Jong & Reis, 2015)
Suffocation model of marriage
maslow
mountain
The role of marriage has changed
throughout history:
Institutional Model
Companionate Model
Self-Expressive Models
Marital happiness increasingly tied to
personal happiness over time
We are expecting more from our
marriages than ever before
What can we do for suffocaion marriage
self expansion (optimize available resources)
quality time (get more oxygen)
go to other ppl (use less oxygen)
Optimizing: Relationship Awareness Intervention
1- prep
2- care
3- movie
all equally good
invest couple time
couples spend less leisure time together than they used to
date night once a week = very happy
- also more committed and more close
Partner Responsiveness
3 components
feeling understood
feeling valued, respected, and validated
feeling cared for
People who perceive their relationship partners as responsive feel
close, satisfied, and committed to those relationships
The basic tenet of secure relationships
How to REALLY be a Responsive Partner
Try to understand your partner’s perspective
“Why do you feel this way?”
“So what you’re saying is…”
Understanding is a crucial prerequisite to being responsive
Validate your partner’s perspective
“I can see why you feel that way.”
“That must be really difficult for you.”
Show them that you respect their feelings and perspectives
Show your care and concern for your partner
“It was never my intention to hurt you.”
“How can I make you feel better about this?”
Show your partner that they’re your priority
Gratitude in Relationships
gratitude: appreciating your partner, both for what they do and for who they
are
¡ Promotes feelings of security for the partner
¡ Expressing gratitude is good for the partner:
¡ They feel more connected; more satisfied with the relationship (Algoe et al., 2010)
¡ Feeling appreciated, in turn, leads to more appreciation for the partner -> relationship
maintenance, wellbeing (Gordon et al., 2012)
Sacrifice
Sacrifice= active (doing something unwanted) & passive (giving up something wanted)
What types of sacrifices do romantic partners make in their daily life?
1) Friends
2) Recreation
3) Errands, Chores & Favors
4) School and work
5) Health and Lifestyle
Why you are sacrificing matters
Approach goals => increase well-being and relationship satisfaction
Avoidance goals => decrease well-being and relationship satisfaction
When to (not) Sacrifice
Sacrifice not beneficial when:
Suppress emotions (Impett et al., 2012)
Related to lower relationship satisfaction &
well-being for BOTH partners
Predicted breakup 3 mnths later
Had a stressful day (Totenhagen et al. 2013)
Autonomy and Relationships
Autonomy support: promoting your partner’s autonomy
Acknowledging the partner’s perspective, encouraging self-initiation,
respecting and protecting their freedom; choice
Associated with greater attachment security, commitment, satisfaction,
etc.
Having an autonomous partner is beneficial
E.g., less defensive in conflict situations (e.g. Knee et al., 2005)
Feeling that you are in the relationship autonomously is also associated with
relationship benefits (Blais et al., 1990)
Greater satisfaction, less conflict
Autonomy does not mean independent behaviou
Invisible Support
(e.g., Bolger et al., 2000; Howland & Simpson, 2010)
Sometimes it’s better if we don’t know our partner is
supporting us.
E.g., students about to take bar exam
Why is visible not always good?
Emotional cost
Practical and emotional invisible support
Need skillful support provider and unaware recipient
why is positive illusion so important
bc it is the best predictor of non marital break ups
institutional vs companionate vs self espressive
i = eat and survive
c= man work woman stay home
s.e= help u be ut best self
