chapter 11 textbook Flashcards
Conflict occurs when
one’s wishes or actions actually obstruct or impede those of someone else.
dialectics
When they devote themselves to an intimate relationship, people often experience opposing motivations
most common conflicts
Children
Chores
Communication
Leisure
Work
Money
Habits
Relatives
Commitment
Intimacy
Friends
Personality
Illegitimate demands
involve requests that seem unjust because they exceed the normal expectations that the partners hold for each other.
Rebuffs
involve situations in which “one person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected” (Peterson, 2002, p. 371). Someone whose partner rolls over and goes to sleep after receiving an implicit invita- tion to have sex is likely to feel rebuffed.
cumulative annoyances
are relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition. Such events often take the form of social allergies: Through repeated exposure to small recurring nuisances, people may develop hypersensitive reactions of disgust and exasperation that seem out of proportion to any particular provocation. Women are especially likely to become annoyed with men’s uncouth habits, such as belching at the dinner table, and men are likely to grow irritated with women’s lack of consideration, such as being late for appointments and shopping too long
attributional conflict,
fighting over whose explanation is right and whose account is wrong.
negative affect reciprocity
they trade escalating provocations back and forth. This pattern is not often found in happy, well-adjusted couples (who do a better job of exiting the cycle when things start to heat up), but it is routinely exhibited by dis- tressed, dissatisfied couples in deteriorating partnerships (Gottman et al., 2015): One person’s testiness makes the other partner peevish, so he or she snaps back; the first person becomes more aggravated, and the second exchange is more noxious. Stronger words are shared, both partners fan the flames of the other’s irritation, and both of them become increasingly angry and embittered as the interaction proceeds.
Emotional flooding
can occur when people become overwhelmed by high arousal and strong emotion and are unable, for a time, to think straight (Malik et al., 2020). When people are flooded:
active and constructive
voice
constructive and passive
loyalty
passive and destructive
neglect
active and destructive
exit
Volatile couples
frequent and passionate arguments.
igh levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other.
Validators couples
fight more politely. They tend to be calmer than volatile couples are, and they behave more like collaborators than like antagonists as they work through their problems. Their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for, and understanding of, the other’s point of view
avoiders couples
rarely argue. They avoid confron- tation, and when a conflict arises, they’re unlikely to discuss it; they’ll often just try to fix it on their own or wait it out, hoping that the passage of time will solve the problem. If they do get around to discussing their conflicts, they do so mildly and gingerly.
hostiles couples
fail to maintain a 5-to-1 ratio of nice behavior to nasty conduct. Their discussions are sprinkled with too much criticism, contempt, defen- siveness, and withdrawal, and the longer they last, the more oppressive they become. Some hostile couples actively address their disagreements but do so badly, whereas others remain more detached and uninvolved but snipe at each other in brief salvos of distaste.
Separation
occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict.
domination
one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates.
Compromise
parties reduce their aspirations or gradually change their goals
Integrative agreements
satisfy both partners’ original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility.
structural improvment
the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship.
speaker-listener technique
structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that promotes the use of active listen- ing skills and increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement.
What Is Conflict?
Interpersonal conflict occurs when people have to give up some- thing that they want because of their partners’ influence. Conflict is inescapable; there are tensions known as dialectics that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain.
The Frequency of Conflict.
Conflict occurs often. Its frequency is associated with negative emotionality and agreeableness, attachment styles, one’s stage of life, incom- patibility between partners, stress, poor sleep, and alcohol use.
Instigating Events (conflicts)
Four different categories of events cause most conflicts; these
are criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances.
Attributions (actor/observer and self-serving biases) - conflicts
actor/observer effects and self-serving biases contribute to attributional conflict, with partners fighting over whose explanation is right.
Engagement and Escalation.
Once an instigating event occurs, partners must
decide either to engage in conflict or to avoid the issue and let it drop. If escalation occurs and the conflict heats up, the nasty things that partners say to each other may be either direct or indirect. Surly interaction becomes especially fractious when the partners fall into a pattern of negative affect reciprocity, and they may be temporarily overwhelmed if flooding occurs.
The Demand/Withdraw Pattern.
A frustrating demand/withdraw cycle occurs when one person approaches the other about a problem, and the partner responds by avoiding the issue. Women tend to be the demanders and men the withdrawers more often than not.
Negotiation and Accommodation.
Negotiation finally occurs when a couple works toward a solution in a sensible manner by, for instance, being attentive and optimistic, valuing a partner’s outcomes, and adopting both a future orientation and a third-party perspective. Voice, loyalty, neglect, and exit are other responses to dissatisfaction in close relationships. Accommodation occurs when partners react with calm forbearance to the other’s provocation.
Dealing with Conflict: Four Types of Couples.
Volatile couples have frequent and passionate arguments.
Validators have calmer, more relaxed discussions,
avoiders avoid confrontation.
hostiles are marked by negativity, and their marriages are relatively fragile.
Ending Conflict.
There are five ways conflicts can end: separation, domination,
compromise, integrative agreement, and structural improvement.
Can Fighting Be Good for a Relationship?
Yes. Deft management of conflict allows relationships to grow and prosper. The speaker-listener technique provides a structure for calm, clear communication about touchy topics.
