conflict adn communication Flashcards
How We
Communicate
voice support vs. Text support
(Seltzer, 2012)
Daughters who heard
mom’s voice released
oxytocin
Reasons for couples’
communication (Coyne et al.
2011)
But…put phone away when having conversations (Przybylski
& Weinstein, 2013)
IV: phone present/absent
Meaningful/casual convo
DV: closeness, trust empath
finding - presence of phone = lower quality convo and less close adn less empathy and less trust
why phone bad
phons cues us to think of all of our other close relationships
couples who text abt serious stuff
lower relationship quality
frequent and long phone calls
low uncertainty
more love
more commitment
lower avoidance
*not relayed to texting
sexting
attachment anxiety
sext frequently
felt obligated to do so
just a new way for anxious ppl to be anxious ppl
language style matching
Pronouns, articles &
conjunctions (the words that usually fade into backgounf like “the”)
LSM in speed-dating
interactions => mutual
interest
LSM in dating couples’ texts
=> relationship longevity
shorthand being picked up by s/o
Nonverbals communcations
Nonverbal channels
o Kinesics (body movements)
o Vocalics/paralanguage (non-word vocal cues)
o Physical appearance
o Haptics (touch)
o Proxemics (distance)
o Chronemics (time)
o Artefacts (objects & environmental features)
Kinesics
Mimicry increases liking
when confederates mimincs participants behv then partiicpant likes them more
when partiicpant is tolf tontry and get the condeberate to like them, the partiicpant will ,i,ic behv
called behviorubal mimicry aka the chameleoeon effev
ppl said that when ppl mmic eachother it looks like a smoother interaction
Haptics
Touch can communicate distinct
emotions (Hertenstein et al., 2006)
Anger, fear, disgust, love, sympath
cannot communciate self focused langauge like envy and pride adn embarrassment
Proxemics
fearful of intimacy- less likely to lean forward (Guerrero, 1996)
Unrewarding person comes close, like them less (Burgoon et al., 1988
Physical appearance
When trying to attract mates (women):
Put their best face forward (make-up)
Dress to impress
When comfortable in relationship:
Groom less
Gain weight– mating market model (Meltzer et al., 2013)
does the nonverbal cues differentiate liking from frienfship
no
Signaling intimacy
Involvement (engaged & active) & positive affect
Proxemics
less distance, more forward lean, body
orientation, matching horizontal plane
Haptics
esp. vulnerable areas such as the face or neck
Kinesics
synchronized body movements, gestures, &
facial expressions
eye contact
Vocalics
matching vocal cues
more variation in pitch
Chronemics
time spent together
detecting communicatiin
Men who did well were in more
satisfied relationships.
Follow-up study to address
direction problem (Noller,
1981)
Detecting Communication: Gender Difference?
Empathic accuracy= The ability to
accurately infer the content of another
person’s thoughts and feeling (Ickes, 1993)
women are better at readings other’s feelings but onlt when cued into ehsg the task is assessing
Gender differences due to motivation, not
ability
Attachment and Empathic Accuracy
Secure:
Accurate when accuracy is beneficial (e.g. Simpson et al.,
2011)
High Anxiety:
Accurate when accuracy is NOT beneficial (Simpson, et
al., 1999)
High Avoidance:
NOT accurate when accuracy is beneficial (Maxwell et
al., in prep)
What are we fighting about?
Top 6 conflict topics:
Children
Chores
Communication
Leisure Time
Money
Work
“#1 thing couples fight about: Nothing!”
-John Gottman
The Importance of Communication
Communication most common reason couples seek therapy (Whisman, Dixon Johnson,
1997)
Negative communication predicts physical aggression (Schumacher & Leonard, 2005)
Meta analysis of 115 longitudinal studies (Karney & Bradbury, 1995)
Presence of negative communication => divorce and lower rel quality over time
4 horsemen of the apocalypse
Criticism
Contempt**
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Negative communication
Not staying on point
Kitchen sinking & drifting off beam, gunnysacking
Not hearing
Mindreading, interruptions, “hit and run”, self-summarizing
Seeking disagreement
Yes but, cross-complaining
Displaying hostility
Criticism, stonewalling
secure ppl and empathetic accucary
they might turn a blind eye
they can control it - it is flecible to her
manage in an adaptive fashion - dont need to know all the bad
avoidant ppl and empathtic accucary
they dont persive all of the love they are being given
critism
flaw not behv
contempt
disrespect, the worst one, mocking, acting superior, lack of respect, errodes the immune sytems
defesnivness
defend yourself and not listen to partner
stonewalling
partner giving you nothi g
m,ore common in men bc they get a heartrate increase
negative communication
ok rarrely but not everythong anf all the time
it is normal for couples to fight
kirtche sinkuing
fighting about everythign adn jumoing to new topics
gunnysacking
running tab on eveyrthing
ant meme
hit and run
drop a bomb and not be abel to talk about it bc of leaving for work or a commitment
self summariizing
constantly venting
never budge
partebner doesnt get a chace tp talk
cross complaiing
say somehting abt u and u flick it back to them
Displaying hostility
Criticism, stonewalling
Demand-withdraw pattern of communication
One partner wants change (pushes issue), the other avoids it.
Seen cross-culturally
Even if issue is resolved, negative consequences - high risk of divorce
no gender dif
self peretruating everyhting makes everythign worse
Role of socioeconomic status
- useful for low ses - no resources so adaptive bc not escalaitng and having time to pause
- bad for high ses
Fighting Fair
Bad fighting- goal is to win, play offensively and defensively
Fair fighting- goal is to come to a mutually agreeable resolution
Complain (an act), don’t criticize
“I language” & XYZ statements “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z”
Document - spefifc ex and solution
Levelling and Editing - balance - be honest but be nice
Metacommunicate- communcating about how you communicaye (Offer Limited Choices) - u wanna talk now or later?
Magic Ratio
5:1 (Positive: Negative)
for eveyrone one negtaive have 5 positive things
Fighting Fair: Active Listening (%)
Be a non-defensive listener
Give feedback
- Paraphrase
- sum up what they said
Perception-checking
- be on the same page
Validation
- i see where u r coming from
Draw your partner out
- opened ended q
- what can we do to make this better
“Best” way to react to conflict?
Negative can be good?
Look longitudinally
Active strategies can trump passive (even if active is -, passive is +) exit can be good loyalty can be bad
- exit shows u care
E.g. loyalty often goes unnoticed, humor not effective (e.g. Gottman et al., 1998)
Evoking change:
Right after convo: negative direct rated least successful, positive indirect rated
most successful.
But, over time:
Direct (+/-) best
“Best” way to react to conflict?: It Depends
Severe problems: wife negative => + effect, husband’s humor => divorce (Cohan & Bradbury,
1997)
Direct negative behaviours in response to severe problem => stable satisfaction
humour bad anger good bc anger signals seriousb issud u care about fixing
getting over it attachment
insecure attachment => poor conflict management strategies
Anxious Attachment & Conflict (Campbell et al., 2005)
More distressed during conflict
Escalate severity
Recovering from conflict
Cool-down task after conflict discussion
Secure (as baby) recovered more quickly
Partners of quick recoverers: more + emotions, > satisfactio
demand withdraw pattern leads to
demand withdraw is when one partner wants to change but the other partner ignores it
gunnysacking
active and positive
voice
improve conditions
discuss problems and solution
passive and positive
loyalty
passively wait for improvement
forgive and forget
hang in there
active and negative
exit
threat to end relationship
abuse
criticize
put down partner
cross complaining
passive and negative
neglect
ignore, spend less time, ctiticze partner regarding unrelated issues
