Week 9 - Stresses & Strains Flashcards
What is relational value?
The EXTENT to which others believe their relationship w/ us is IMPORTANT/VALUABLE
It’s PAINFUL when it is LOWER than what we would like it to be
We tend to feel hurt when our “_________ ________ ______” w/ others is “_______” than we want or expect it to be
Perceived relational value
Lower
(With respect to rejection) maximal exclusion feels similar to “___________”
Why is this?
Ambivalence
Once we realize that others DON’T enjoy our company, it doesn’t matter whether they DISLIKE us just a BIT or a LOT
(With respect to acceptance) we tend to be extremely sensitive to minute differences ranging from “____________” to “_______ __________”
Ambivalence; active inclusion
Our self-esteem does not get much of a boost when we go from very well liked to completely ignored
“_________” in liking seems to hurt more than “________” rejection found in one study
Decrease; constant
“______” feelings and “_______” pain are very similar in terms of associated neural activation
What was found in a study?
Hurt; physical
——————————————————————————————-
In one study it was found when separated couples went under an fMRI scanner (shown pictures of their ex’s) the same part of the brain lit up where physical pain occurs
***acetaminophen/marijuana might even help with pain (social pain) the same way it does with physical (headache) pain
How do people feel with high levels of anxiety regarding abandonment?
Tend to experience significantly MORE HURT in response to reductions in their perceived relational value in COMPARISON to individuals w/ LOWER anxiety
How do people feel with high levels of avoidance of intimacy?
Tend to experience significantly LESS pain when others withdrawal
“_____-______” is a important predictive factor for how someone handles being abandoned/withdrawed from
Self-esteem
What is ostracism?
Around “___%” of North Americans have reported they have ostracized a partner
Around “___%” of North Americans have reported being ostracized by a loved one
When individuals are IGNORED and given the SILENT TREATMENT
3 main reasons:
1. Punishment
2. Avoid confrontation
3. Cool off after having a conflict
**Some individuals believe this assists them in achieving their GOALS
**BUT it usually leaves victims wondering why they’re being IGNORED
——————————————————————————————
67%
75%
Ostracism is “________&________”
Why is this?
Painful & powerful
Why is this?
- threatens our basic social needs (belonging)
- dehumanizing
- damages our feelings of self-worth
- reduces our perceived control in our relationships
What happens?
- feeling confused & unhappy
- stressed = adrenal glands will produce lots of cortisol
- time seems to pass much more slowly
- sometimes the victims may act in the way the ostracizer WANTS them to attempt to MEND the relationship
- sometimes the victims may LEAVE the relationship
People with high self-esteem are “_______” to put up w/ ostracism
Individuals with low self-esteem tend to “_______” more ostracism
Unlikely
More likely to END the relationship w/ ostracizers
———————————————————————————
Experience
More likely to hold a GRUDGE and to OSTRACIZE others in return
What is jealousy and what feelings does it involve?
Potential LOSS of an important relationship to a RIVAL (who is real or imagined)
Hurt, anger, fear & anxiety
Can also cause “pride” that your partner is desired by someone else
What are the 2 types of jealousy?
- Reactive jealousy:
- individual becomes aware of a REAL THREAT to a VALUED relationship (past or present or anticipated)
- 50% women, 40% of men have kissed or fondled a extradyadic individual
- ~20% women/men have had intercourse with that individual ^ - Suspicious jealousy:
- individual has SUSPICIONS that do NOT fit w/ the facts available
- results in snooping/mistrusting
***THE DIFF B/W THESE TWO FORMS ISN’T ALWAYS CLEAR
Who is prone to jealousy?
- Individuals who feel DEPENDENT on the relationship (low comparison level to alts)
- Individuals w/ strong feelings of INADEQUACY (feel like they cant meet their partners expectations)
- Individuals w/ LOW self-esteem
- Attachment styles have an impact (preoccupied attachment style = constantly worried that their partners don’t love them enough)
- Personality traits (score high neuroticism = high jealousy, or the dark triad)
Who gets us jealous?
What are romantic rivals?
RIVARY from a friend tends to be MORE upsetting than RIVARY from a STRANGER
RIVARLY from a FORMER LOVER is also very upsetting
————————————————————————————
Who have a HIGH MATE VALUE (very attractive) and make us look like BAD prospects tend to be the STRONGEST THREAT
(Arouse the most jealousy)
Our rivals aren’t as ATTRACTIVE to our partners as we THINK they are
Who gets us jealous from an evolutionary perspective?
What are men more sensitive to?
What are women more sensitive to?
Jealousy evolved in order to PROTECT our important relationships from INTERFERENCE from others (maintain relationship = reproduce more effectively)
*Males are more SENSITIVE to SEXUAL INFIDELITY
(More accurate than women at guessing this)
(Display more autonomic changes)
*Women are more SENSITIVE to EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY
(Display more autonomic changes)
In one study asked parent spouses, it was found that it was more worrisome for their daughter-in-law to commit “________” infidelity
But more worrisome for their son-in-law to commit “_________” infidelity
Sexual
Emotional
What are two possible responses to jealousy?
Reaction can be beneficial or destructive…
(Attachment styles play BIG role)
- Comfortable w/ closeness
(secure/preoccupied attachment styles):
- tend to EXPRESS their concerns and attempt to REPAIR their relationship - Uncomfortable w/ closeness
(dismissing/fearful attachment styles):
- more likely to PRETEND that nothing is wrong and DENY their distress
Is there a difference in response to jealousy among men and women?
If so, what are they?
Yes
Women tend to focus on PRESERVING & REPAIRING their relationship
Women are more likely to attempt to INCITE jealousy in their partner (this can backfire)
Men tend to consider LEAVING their relationship and find a NEW partner
How do you cope constructively w/ jealousy?
Reduce the association b/w the EXCLUSIVITY of our relationship and our SELF-WORTH is important
Striving to maintain our SELF-CONFIDENCE regarding our abilities to be INDEPENDENT (w/ or w/out) our current partners is important
FORMAL THERAPY can assist w/ this
True or false. Deception in some form can occur in intimate relationships even those based upon trust and openness
What is deception? (What are some forms)
True
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INTENTIONAL behaviour that creates the impression in a recipient that the deceiver KNOWS is FALSE
Outright lying
Concealing info
Diverting attention
Half-truths
On a given day “___%” of people tell NO lies at all
Most of the lies we tell tend to be “__________” lies (white lies)
Most of us tell a “____________” lie every week
What are the different purposes of lying?
60%
Convenience
Meaningful
——————————————————————————————
Lies for the purpose of promoting POLITE & FRIENDLY interactions = significantly more acceptable
Lies for the purpose of GREED & CONSEQUENTIAL = far less acceptable
Most lies in close relationships are “_____” lies and “_________” lies
In one study it found that “___%” of participants lied to their romantic partners w/in the last past week
Small; benevolent
97%
What is deciever’s distrust?
When people LIE to others, they often start to believe that the recipient of the LIES is LESS HONEST & TRUSTWORTHY
True or false. Individuals with insecure attachment styles are more likely to tell lies than individuals with secure attachment styles
True
Lies are usually “______” and “_____” detailed in comparison to truths
Shorter; less
If someone is more MOTIVATED to lie they tend to be MORE SUSPICIOUS in their performance (compared to individuals who are more spontaneous & relaxed)
Lying = cool, calm and sincere
Truth = often fidget
How can we detect a partners deceptions?
About “___%” of the time we can decipher lies and truths. However “____%” of the time it is just by chance
Is typically apparent when you see CHANGES & DEVIATIONS from an individuals demeanour
You need some familiarity w/ the individuals VERBAL/NONVERBAL STYLE (in order to notice lying)
54%; 50%
What is a truth bias?
Individuals tend to ASSUME that their partners are typically being HONEST
Intimate partners often make CONFIDENT JUDGMENTS about each others honesty
What is betrayal and what are some examples?
When our feelings are hurt in everyday life, who usually is the cause of this?
Hurtful, disagreeable actions from individuals whom we TRUST
Ex) lying, sexual infidelity, and emotional infidelity
Tends to be a prominent reason for divorces & seperation
Results in significant drops in PERCEIVED RELATIONAL VALUE
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When our feelings are hurt in EVERYDAY LIFE = its typically our romantic partners or close friends
**RARELY OCCURS INTENTIONALLY ^^^ BUT STILL HURTS
**THEY HAVE THE MOST POWER TO HURT US
Betrayal tends to be less frequent among what kind of individuals?
Older
Better educated
Religious
Betrayal tends to be more significant among what type of individuals?
Unhappy
Vengeful
Suspicious
Resentful
Prone to jealousy/cynicism
Higher likelihood for mental problems
Higher likeihood they came from a home w/ conflict
True or false. Men and women differ vastly in their propensity to betray others
Who are men more likely to betray?
Who are women more likely to betray?
False
They DIFFER is the TARGETS of their most frequent betrayals
—————————————————————————————
Men tend to be more likely to betray romantic partners & business associates
Women tend to be more likely to betray friends and family
True or false. Revenge is a good idea
False
When wronged, victims often want to have some revenge…
Issues with revenge:
- Perpetrator and victim RARELY agree on degree of retiption would be just
- Tend to EXCUSE our own actions, but tend to blame others for the EXACT same actions
- We expect revenge to be must more SATISFYING than it actually is
What is forgiveness?
“A decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you”
You GIVE UP your grudge, DISCARD your DESIRE to retaliate
You don’t CONDONE or FORGET the individuals behaviour
Makes reconciliation more LIKELY, but doesn’t mean you will regain (+) towards the person
Attachment style is a good predictor of this
When is forgiveness more readily delivered?
- Offenders show that they are SINCERELY CONTRITE
- When victims can LET GO of anger and resentment
- When victims have a strong degree of EMPATHY
***IS MORE LIKEY TO OCCUR IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS (SEEN AROUND GLOBE)
Forgiveness can PROTECT our relationships (reduces conflict & increase communication)
What are some benefits of forgiveness?
More self-esteem
Less hostility
Less distress
Less tension
More satisfaction in life
Better physical health
Reduce pain
= NOT GONNA TRANSFORM SOMEONE (HAS TO BE REPENTANT)
