Chapter 10 - Conflict. Flashcards
What is the broaden and build theory?
Positive emotions broaden one’s awareness and encourage novel, varied, and expository thoughts and actions.
Is conflict inevitable?
yes
What is conflict as defined by Lewin?
Conflict = competing goals
What increases the frequency of conflict?
Greater interdependence leads to more conflict.
What is more important?
What the conflict is about or how you handel it.
How you handle it.
Is the amount of conflict within a relationship indicative of the quality of the relationship?
No, it is not.
It is how you and your partner handle conflict that is important.
what is the norm for conflict managment?
Being defensive and avoiding the issue.
Both are highly negative outcomes onto the relationship.
What do partners disagree about most?
Pretty much anything that is part of your shared life.
Kids are the biggest source of conflict next to chores, communication, and money.
Is majority of conflict major or minor
It is mostly minor
Is conflict common?
Yes, almost every other day couples will experience conflict.
from social learning theory, what is the key in conflict resolution?
Knowing how to disagree. and improving the interactions between you and your partner during conflict.
True or false:
Couples need to be given tools and skills that help them successfully state their disagreement.
True.
How was verbal conflict studied?
Through observations on how couples truly react within conflict.
Who is most well known relationship researcher?
John Gottman.
What is a good way to cool down a conflict.
Take 20 min apart to think then come back and talk rationally, moving towards a mutual conclusion.
What should be done once a conflict is resolved?
You should drop the conflict, and not bring it up again. `
What is observational coding?
The ability to code out interactions, and obverse these codes.
What should we decide to code? What should we take into account when deciding.
- Affect vs verbal content
- Non-verbal content
- sequences
What are the two main types of observational coding?
Microanaltical approach
vs
global coding
What is global coding
Watch the whole conversation an assign an overall score based off the interaction
What is micoanalytical coding
taking small portions of a conversation and evaluate them independently.
Why is observational coding difficult? what are its limitations?
- It is very expensive
- difficult to get reliability
- people will be on their best behavior when in the lab/social situation.
Unhappy partners engage in ______ negative behavior and ______ positive behavior.
- more
- less
Unhappy couples interactions are ______ predictable
Highly
Unhappy couples get stuck in a circle of ___________
Negative reciprocity
In an unhappy relationship, negative behavior is accompanied by what?
Negative affect
What behavior is most predicable within unhappy relationships?
Negative reciprocity
What are some other nuances for unhappy couples?
four things
- Kitchen-sinking/flooding is far more common
- Self-summarizing
- presumptive attributes (mind reading)
- Cross complaining (bringing up an issue with an other issue.)
- prescription. ( what you need to do is this)
What is the demand/withdraw conflict pattern?
One partner wants a change and pushes the other for discussion on the topic, the other partner does not respond.
Within the demand/withdraw pattern sexual pattern?
Women tend to make most of the demands
Men tend to withdraw when women make the demand.
When is the demand/withdraw especially likely?
Concerning topics when the woman is the one who wants change.
and when only one partner wants to change.
What is cognitive editing?
Happy couples tend to view each other’s behavior in a more positive light than unhappy couples do.
What is the reactivity hypothesis?
Unhappy couples tend to be vigilant for negative behaviors and tend to respond in kind.
Because relationships are never black and white, we will often find what?
What we are looking for.
In a happy relationship, who is more likely to demand?
Women
Conflict behavior is related to what?
relationship dissatisfaction in the cross-section.
Behaviours predict changes in ________ under cretin conditions
Satisfaction
Couples who handle conflict poorly will experience what?
Faster decline in marital quality
What can override the effects of having negative conflict management skills?
Positive emotions
Direct verses indirect conflict strategies are more effective at what?
bringing changes, leading to higher satisfaction.
What is the effect of negative conflict strategies a great predictor of?
Decreasing satisfaction among couples with minor problems.
When can negative conflict strategies be beneficial?
They stabilize ( at a lower level ) when the problems are severe ( cheating )
Conflict produces a physiological reaction in our bodies.
Name three.
- Adrenaline pumps through the circulatory system
- Heat rate increases
- Pulse increases
- emotion floods the brain
- Body temperature increases.
When your body is undergoing a physiological reaction to conflict, what is the outcome on problem solving?
There will be no progress made.
You have to decease the physiological reaction first.
When you become too physiologically stressed, what is the best thing to do?
Take a break.
What happens when you maintain conflict during high stress (physiological)
(name at least three)
- escalation in the conversation
- name calling or put-downs
- avoidance of the topic
- rise of voice
- Sweating, red face, pulse pounding, clenching fists.
How do you get back to a clam state after a period of high stress?
You need at least 30min of focused relaxation.
What does focused relaxation mean?
it is not just being part and thinking about the conflict.
You need to find a way to get away from the problem and calm down .
What is the biggest fear of taking a break from a conflict?
- That the conflict will not be resolved.
What is the best way to take a break and return to the conflict in a better state of mind?
set a 30min timer to allow both partners to calm down while assuring that the conflict is handled.
What is the best way to call a time out?
- Using “i” or “we” statements rather than “you” statements.
- set a specific time to deal with the issue
- wait 30min, but must be less than 24hrs and before you sleep.
- use a safe way to communicate, so that you stay calm (speaker listener)
- Keep in mind what is really behind the anger/hurt feelings.
What is the first step in problem solving in relationships?
- start with problem talking before moving to problem solving.
- Identify exactly what the problem is.
What are some of the hidden issues within relationships?
name at least 5
- Control and power
- caring
- recognition
- commitment
- integrity
- acceptance.
What is problem talk?
- figuring out the underling issue that led to the conflict rather then the conflict itself.
- mad about dishes not being done = feeling disrespected and used as a maid.
What are perpetual problems?
These are differences that will always be present and you will deal with over and over again.
What % of problems are perpetual problems?
69%
What is an example of perpetual problems.
- one partner wants more sex than the other
- one partner doesn’t do their share
- differences in religion
What are solvable problems?
Things that pop up throughout relationships that are able to have a resolution.
What is the key to leasing conflict.
to communicate basic acceptance and understanding of your partner as a human
Who are we most likely to listen to?
people who we think understand and like us.
What is the best way to address conflict?
Soften your startup
What % of the time do women bring up conflict first?
87%
Why is soften startup essential?
because conflicts typically end the same way as they began (75% of the time)
When is the best time to attempt problem solving
When there is the highest likelihood of it ending well.
What is the key to bringing up conflict?
Complain but don’t blame.
What should you focus on when bringing up an issue?
Focus on how you feel, your thoughts, and your own opinions.
- use “I” statements NOT “You” statements.
What are the three B’s in conflict communication?
- be descriptive, not evaluative
- be clear
- be specific
Who is more easier emotionally flooded during conflict, and tend to be overwhelmed?
Men, by a HUGE margin.
What is the best way to limit conflict and retain relationship satisfaction?
DO NOT STORE THINGS UP
What is important about repair attempts?
learn to make and revive them. and allow them to happen.
What is the best way to construct a healthy communication network in a relationship.
Discuss a means to communicate that fits the two of you that allows for non-aggressive communication.
Within a conflict what is the common reaction?
is it healthy?
trying to convince the other person that your position is best.
no, it is better to find a middle ground. Or subjectively determine what is actually better for both of you.
What is the most ideal ending of a conflict?
Compromise.
Within a intimate relationship why is compromise best?
in an intimate and loving relationship it is the best outcome because, at some point, it is not worth it for you to win at the expense of the other person losing.
How can you reach compromise?
- find areas of agreement rather than disagreement.
- work toward the middle ground that is realistic for both people.
- be specific in the solution so each person recognizes the changes.
- Accept that each person is not perfect.
What is the WORST way to handle conflict?
Seeing it as a “win or lose” situation
- if you think you must “win” then you need to take a step back and understand why.
- losing sucks, and are you willing to subject your partner to that?
After conflict is over, what is it important to do?
Not to just move past it, but to take time and process the experience.
what are the three things that you shoulf reflect upon after a conflict?
- seek to understand what ignited the conflict
- why that issue is so volatile in your relationship
- what will you do differently next time.
Within many of the perpetual conflict, there is often some underlying dream or core value that is at odds for each partner. what should you reflect upon within this?
seek to understand where each other is coming from and what that dream is.
