The Self Driven Child Flashcards
What is the most important factor in reducing anxiety for a child?
A sense of control
What are the benefits of having agency, or a sense of control?
Better general health Lower rates of drug abuse Greater longevity Drives internal motivation Improved academic performance Improved career success
What are examples of and feelings during “positive stress”?
Pre-performance or pre-test jitters, excitement, anticipation
What are examples of “tolerable stress”? Is tolerable stress good or bad?
Bullying, death in family, injury.
Tolerable stress occurs acutely for brief periods, giving time to recover.
Tolerable stress is good, it builds resiliency in the future.
What are signs and examples of “toxic stress”?
Severe or chronic stress where the stressee has very little control over the situation.
Toxic stress damages the ability to thrive, and has significant long-term health and satisfaction implications.
What is the best way to think about your relationship with your kid if put in terms of the workplace?
Think of yourself as a consultant, and not a manager. A consultant is an expert that can provide guidance and advice when it is wanted, but the kid ultimately has control over his decisions at a young age.
What are the three principles to consider when trying to get your kids to do something?
You can’t make your kids do something against their will
You can’t make them want something they don’t want
It’s OK for them to not want something now
What is the right approach to homework?
Kids are responsible for their homework. Curious, self directed study should be encouraged, not necessarily homework.
What is “authoritative parenting”? Why is it important?
How do you do it?
“Supportive but not controlling”
It’s the most effective form of raising a child. Giving some control even on small things pays big dividends.
Promote self-direction
Maturity over obedience
Enforce limits, but do not control
Offer help if requested
What are the four phases of maturity? How should you assist moving your child through these four phases?
Phase 1 - unconsciously incompetent
Phase 2 - consciously incompetent
Phase 3 - consciously competent
Phase 4 - unconsciously competent
Let kids go through this process on their own, but offer support and guidance.
How do you always want the kid to think about home.
Home should be a safe base. Always provides psychological comfort to them.
What is the principle of reflexivity?
Kids will watch and mirror you! The best way to reduce anxiety in your kid is to be less anxious yourself!
What are strategies to improve internal and not external motivation?
1) Promote autonomy, competence. Learning is more important than grades.
2) Praise effort and strategies, do not label as “smart”
3) Get the child into a “flow state” doing something they love for as long as possible
What are strategies to deal with the sabateur personality in children when they self sabatoge?
Connect the dots to the long run
Connect them to things they want to do
Be an example to the kids
Promote excercise
Promote peer to peer social support, especially with older kids
High protein diet
Create incentives (as long as they know why)
What are strategies to deal with an Eor personality in children when they have a gloomy outlook on the future?
Express confidence they will find something they love
Expose them to many things
The intersection of interest/talent/self-awareness is where kids find purpose.
Potentially engage in individual sports
Retain a close relationship with your kid
Explain it’s your responsibility as a parent to expose the kid to the world. Ask the kid for suggestions on how to do this in ways the child would enjoy.
