Never Split the Difference Flashcards
What is the primary problem with traditional negotiating approaches, and the reason why the FBI changed strategies after the Ruby Ridge and Waco disasters?
In complex, emotionally driven incidents, negotiators muse be laser focused on the animal, emotional, and irrational. Couldn’t use quid pro quo bargaining and problem solving.
What does psychotherapy reveal happens when people feel listened to?
They tend to listen to themselves more clearly, and openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. They become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view.
What are the 5 best practices for early on in the negotiation?
1) Hold multiple hypothesis at once, not just one
2) Get as much information as possible
3) Use new information to winnow true hypothesis from false ones
4) Question all assumptions, remain emotionally open to all possibilities
5) Take your time
How do you actively listen early on to get information, and why do you do it?
Don’t think about what you’re going to say, put an all-encompassing focus on listening to what the other party has to say.
Doing this makes them feel safe, disarms them and the voice in their head will begin to quiet down. Gets you more information in general, and typically more truthful information
Why is it important to go slow in a negotiation?
Time builds trust, hastening things too quickly makes the other party feel like they weren’t heard. Most important tool in negotiation is time.
How should you “be” during a negotiation and why is it important?
Calm and collected. How we “are” is more important that what we say.
How is it best to position yourself in conversations?
1) Positive playful voice - smile while you’re talking
2) Late-night FM DJ voice - slowly and clearly conveying you are in control. Don’t inflect upward. Quiet, self assured.
3) Assertive/direct voice - almost never use
What is mirroring and why is it useful, and how do you do it?
Imitating to develop rapport and trust
Useful because we like what is similar and reject what is different, invited elaboration
Repeat the last 1 to 3 critical words someone says
Why do you want to get someone to “No” first?
Gets them feeling secure, and in control
No peels away the plastic falsehood of “yes”, presents an authenticity
How can you strategically use getting the opposition to say “no”?
Start with “is now a bad time to talk” vs. “do you have time to talk?”
Mislabel one of the oppositions emotions, inviting them to correct you
Ask the opposition what they “don’t want”, inviting them to say no
What words should you strive to hear in a negotiation and why?
“That’s right”
You want to have the opposing party agree with your empathetic assessment of their position. When they completely agree with your view of their position, you have unconditional positive regard. In this environment you can start to change behavior.
Strive for “That’s right”, not “you’re right”.
Use a summary of their position from their perspective to trigger.
What impact do deadlines have on negotiations?
Entice people to rush the negotiation process and impulsively do things against their own interest.
What is emotionally anchoring the starting point?
Initially setting expectations very low so when the information is actually communicated it sounds much better.
How do you take advantage of the fact that losing hurts more than gaining feels good?
Make sure people know they have something to lose from inaction in a negotiation.
Who has control in a conversation, the guy talking or the guy listening?
The guy listening. The talker is revealing information while the listener is considering how to guide the conversation.
