How to raise a strong willed child

Question 1

How can your ideal version of your child impact your parenting experience?

Answer 1

Kids are not going to be the ideal version their parents envision. Do not set hard expectations for your child’s personality, and love them regardless.

Question 2

What are the 3 factors in raising a strong willed child? Which do you control?

Answer 2

1) Child’s temperment
2) Parents temperment
3) Parent’s guidance and methods

You control 2&3

Question 3

What is the both the natural way and the best way for a strong willed child to learn rules?

Answer 3

The hard way. Trial and error.

When you set a rule, it must be backed up by action multiple times before the strong willed child learns to accept.

Question 4

What should you not do when responding to a strong willed child?

Answer 4

Yell or threaten
Argue or debate
Lecture
Angrily display emotions

Question 5

How do you get children to learn from words?

Answer 5

Words must be backed up by actions EVERY TIME.

Follow through with the consequences in your words, then in time children will learn to listen to your words.

Question 6

What are the three types of personalities with kids?

Answer 6

Strong willed
Compliant
Fence sitters (observe other first movers, then exploit holes in the system to their advantage).

Question 7

How should parents approach limits and methods?

Answer 7

Limits must be firm, and methods respectful

Question 8

What is the punitive approach with discipline?

Answer 8

Investigate, assign blame, excessive punishment.
Cooperation through threats and fear.
Ex: Standing in corner, corporal punishment, long groundings, shaming and blaming.

Question 9

What are the downsides to the punitive approach?

Answer 9

Children learn parents are the problem solvers, not themselves. They learn poor disrespectful communication.

It causes anger, stubbornness, revenge, rebellion, withdrawal.

Question 10

What is permissive but not firm approach with discipline?

Answer 10

Ignoring bad behavior, or giving warnings and second chances, bribes or rewards, or allowing public misbehavior.

Question 11

What are the downsides associated with the permissive but not firm approach?

Answer 11

Children do not learn to listen to and respect words, discipline always ends up requiring action.

Inspires testing and power struggles.

Question 12

What is the democratic approach to discipline?

Answer 12

Firm, wide boundaries but hard limits, respectful commuication, freedom to choose and potentially fail within wider boundaries.

Communicate respectfully, giving the children options and decision control.

Question 13

What are the benefits of the democratic approach?

Answer 13

Children learn best when given the ability to try and fail.

Kids learn cooperation, independence, respect for rules, self control, respectful communication.

Question 14

What are the steps in the democratic approach?

Answer 14

Ensure emotional control has been restored, if not take time.
Check with kids to see if they can resolve situation on their own. If not, present with choices and let them decide.

Do not have the interaction occur within an atmosphere of anger, and always talk respectfully.

Question 15

What is the downside to raising children with soft limits?

Answer 15

They learn to tune out and ignore words, and push to the point of action very often.

Question 16

What is the best ratio of words to action?

Answer 16

Words should be very brief and immediately followed up by an action.

Parents often have too much verbal, teaching the child to tune out words and that they do not matter.

Question 17

What do bribes and rewards teach children?

Answer 17

Cooperation is optional and contingent on rewards.

Question 18

What are characteristics of firm limits? (GOOD!)

Answer 18

Stated clearly, direct, in concrete behavioral terms
Words supported by actions
Compliance expected and required
Provide information needed to make acceptable choice
Provides accountability

Question 19

What are characteristics of soft limits (BAD!)

Answer 19

Unclear terms with mixed messages
Actions to not support indended words
Compliance is optional, not required
No information provided that is needed to make an acceptable choice
Lack of accountability

Question 20

Should you “dance” with your kids?

Answer 20

No. Dancing with kids gives them attention, and supports the unwanted behavior you are trying to stop.

Question 21

What are the 4 key points in a discipline message?

Answer 21

1) Keep focused on the behavior, not the child. No shame, blame, criticism.
2) Be specific and direct.
3) Firm tone, resolute in expectation. (not harsh)
4) Give them info needed to make an acceptable choice.

Question 22

What are the 4 things to keep in mind when setting choices?

Answer 22

1) Limited to 2 or 3 clear options, including the one you desire for them to do.
2) Ask “what would you like to do” so it is their choice.
3) Ignore attitude, focus on misbehavior
4) Use “cool down” if either parent or child is emotional before setting rules.

Question 23

Should you apologize to kids if you say something hurtful?

Answer 23

Yes. Teaches kids EQ.

Question 24

Why is consistency important and what are three types of consistency in sending a message to your kid?

Answer 24

It’s important because without it your child will continue to test. Consistency reduces tests.
Three types -
1) What you say and what actions are taken as a result
2) Parent to parent
3) One time to the next

Question 25

Why are punitive punishments bad?

Answer 25

Not logical, viewed as a personal attack. Create resentment, not cooperation in the future.
Punitive punishments should never be used to hurt or show who’s boss.

Question 26

What are natural consequences, how do you use them, and why are they good?

Answer 26

Natural consequences are negative outcomes that naturally arise from actions or inactions the child takes. For example, if you ask the child to put dirty clothes in hamper for washing and they refuse, if you don’t wash the clothes they won’t have any clean clothes to wear. Do not narrate or discuss situation, allow for nature to play out.
These are useful because the mimic real world consequences outside of parental control.

Question 27

Three rules on how it is best to use time-outs?

Answer 27

1) Used for more extreme misbehavior, defiance, tantrums, or antagonistic/hurtful comments
2) 5-20 minutes max
3) Room should not be high tech recreational area

Question 28

What are examples of how to use time outs outside of the house?

Answer 28

Mall - find lounge to sit in quietly for 5-10 min
Restaurant - take child to car for 5-10 min
Car - pull over and sit quietly for 5-10 min