Charisma & Stories II Flashcards

Question

Influence in meetings - Daniel Pink

Answer 1

Want to visualize how influence works in a group setting? Try making what Daniel calls a discussion map. Use a circle and a speaker’s first initial to represent everyone in a discussion. Every time someone speaks, draw an arrow from them to whomever they’re addressing. When the discussion wraps, take stock and analyze. Keep a few things in mind here. People who talk a lot (person A) are often the people who are struggling for influence. Also, when someone stays relatively quiet (person D), make sure to look at how often they’re being addressed by others. If they don’t say much but are getting a disproportionate amount of attention, it signals that they have leverage. Breaking down influence might seem high-stakes, but you don’t need to sit in with a Fortune 500 boardroom to get some insight. A discussion map works around the dining room table or even when you’re out with friends. Give it a shot. It’ll give you a better idea about the power dynamics within group settings.

Answer 2

Persuasive framing allows you to contextualize a sale on the terms you set. While you don’t need to use a frame every time, this can be a remarkably effective tool. A major part of knowing how to frame a pitch persuasively comes from understanding that humans inherently fall victim to cognitive bias: We tend to let our subjective reality—or how we perceive the world—take precedence over an objective reality. Daniel cites a few different cognitive biases: loss aversion, opportunity cost, and experiential value. These three biases can be distilled down into three primary types of persuasive framing:

Answer 3

The Experience Frame draws on people’s tendency to value experiences over goods and services. In attempting to sell someone a house, you sell them on the experiences made possible by home ownership rather than the property itself.

Answer 4

The Potential Frame embraces the fact that potential is often more persuasive than current performance. When going for a promotion, you tell a boss all the ways you’d succeed in the new role instead of listing ways you’re competent in your current role.

Answer 5

The Loss Frame contextualizes a sale around what the buyer stands to lose if they don’t hit the bid. Selling someone insurance is the classic example of this frame.

Answer 6

Cognitive bias ultimately affects how and why people make a decision. In sales, it’s always beneficial to consider cognitive bias when you’re pitching—it’ll help you decide which of the three frames above might work best in a particular circumstance. “If you understand cognitive biases, you understand message framing, you understand human thinking,” Daniel say

Answer 7

“[Effective] pitches…invite the other side in as a collaborator,” Daniel says. Our conventional notion of an effective pitch—you do a special song and dance, the investor whips out their checkbook—is pretty antiquated. As Daniel reminds us, the concept of an “elevator pitch” (so named because the pitch should be no longer than 20 or 30 seconds, or the length of a short elevator ride) was actually used to sell elevators before the Civil War. In truth, crafting an effective pitch these days is much like any other sale: You have to find common ground with the buyer, invite them to collaborate, and show how their interests are served by agreeing to the terms. And, like persuasive framing, there are a variety of pitch techniques you can employ.

Answer 8

One of them is the Question Pitch. This turns your pitch statement into an interrogative, transforming “I have the world’s greatest carbon monoxide detector” into “How much is it worth to you to protect your family?” Asking a question immediately gets the person you’re pitching involved by inviting a response. That’s why questions are often more effective than statements.

Answer 9

Another is the Rhyming Pitch. Despite seeming outdated, this technique has been shown to be persuasive. (“See the USA in your Chevrolet” remains a classic, no?) We’re primed to be pleased by this type of language from an early age. While you don’t want to overuse it, deploying the occasional rhyme as part of your pitch can be effective.

Answer 10

Persuasion, fundamentally, is about human nature. And one of the most important methods for understanding human nature is to appreciate our inherent rhythms. Try thinking about each day in three stages: Peak: Early to midmorning. This is the time when you’re most alert and equipped for analytical work. Big decisions are best made during this period. Trough: Late morning to early afternoon. This is the time when your performance might start to lag and your energy levels may begin to drop. It’s a time best saved for administrative work. Recovery: Late afternoon to early evening. This is the time when your energy levels begin to rebound, making it ideal for iterative or creative work. Bear in mind that these levels of productivity don’t necessarily apply to all people. You might be different, Daniel says, depending on your chronotype. (Take a moment to self-identify: Are you a “lark” or an “owl”?) Regardless, this daily flow can be a useful lens for tackling projects and even approaching larger, broader life goals.

Answer 11

Beginnings: Pick a date or day of the week that makes symbolic sense to begin something big. Starting on a Monday (rather than, say, a Thursday) is more likely to help your project be a success. Also, do a premortem by generating a list of potential stumbling blocks and blind spots as part of your preparation. Once you identify those, formulate a plan for how to avoid them and jot down a few practical solutions in case they do arise. Middles: These are tricky. Sometimes they drag us down; research shows that happiness tends to lag in midlife. But when used properly, they can also fire us up. In that spirit, try using project midpoints as a form of motivation. If you can think of yourself as slightly behind when reaching the midpoint of a project, it might encourage you to pick up the pace. Endings: They should energize you. People tend to push harder once the end is in sight. Who doesn’t love going out on top? Use the looming finish line of a project as an opportunity to make things happen. As a persuader, you should aim to get your audience to see the endgame. That’s because endings help encode the message; what happens at the end of an experience has an outsize effect on our perception of the event in its totality. In practice, this means the end of your sell should be designed to leave a lasting impression. Save your best lines, and your most convincing arguments, for the wrapup. Finish strong

Answer 12

The neuroscience revolution has shed new light on how our brains react to being persuaded. (Literally.) Studies have found a link between persuasive arguments and increased brain activity. This occurs specifically in the prefrontal cortex, the area involved in decision-making, personality expression, and social behavior. Chalk up another win for perspective-taking, too. Per Matt Lieberman, a PhD and social cognitive neuroscientist at the University of California in Los Angeles, data is “consistent with the notion that if you can get someone to step into your shoes psychologically, you might be halfway home in terms of persuading them to see the content of the message the way you want them to.”

Answer 13

I n the old-school approach to sales, you’d likely be reciting a mental script to your mark. (Cue card: “I bet you’re asking yourself how this product can change your life. Well, let me tell you…”) But like the overall role of the persuader, this facet of sales has changed with the rise of information parity. Buyers may already have questions lined up for you. And they may know enough about your product to push back against your claims. Be ready to think on your feet—a.k.a. be ready to improvise. Not a natural improviser? No worries. The world of improvisational theater is an unlikely ally for developing your soft skills. Before you laugh, know that top business schools like Duke and Stanford have looked to improv for lessons on adaptability.

Answer 14

Rather than a simple “yes” in response to a comment, question, or concern, say “yes, and…” Use this response as a connector, bringing you—and the person you’re attempting to persuade—closer together. You can even use this phrase to disagree (“Yes, I see what you mean, and here’s how I’d like you to see it…”) without seeming too confrontational.

Answer 15

Listening is a skill. It’s also a form of information gathering, which can point to your next cue. Pay close attention to what your customer has to say, and read between the lines: Their response might propel a subtle offer to collaborate, leading to the common ground that makes a sale.

Answer 16

Make the other side look good. This isn’t to say you should pander to your customer or flatter them simply for flattery’s sake. Instead, make them feel heard and respected. When they offer great insights, tell them so. As Daniel says, “When people feel elevated, they’re more likely to go along with you.”

Answer 17

Expose them to French background music before they decide

Answer 18

Ask whether they consider themselves adventurous

Answer 19

Ask them to record and reflect on their year (but not their gender), and have female monitors instead of male

Answer 20

Hand them a warm drink

Answer 21

Have them look at photos of individuals standing close together

Answer 22

Provide them with an image of a runner winning a race

Answer 23

Show them a picture of August Rodin’s The Thinker

Answer 24

Ask them to recommend your brand to a friend

Answer 25

Be helpful

Answer 26

Create If/when… then plans (e.g. When I’m hungry at 2pm, then I will reach for an apple)

Answer 27

Begin it with a mystery

Answer 28

If there is a weakness admit it up front. It makes you look more honest and trustworthy. If they know it already it does no harm to your standing. The strength should challenge the validity of the weakness "I know I may not have experience, but I'm a fast learner"

Answer 29

― Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds

Answer 30

Even though anger is natural, we cannot deny that the consequences of unrelenting and uncontrolled anger can be devastating. It's not uncommon that anger leads to murder and history has taught us that deeply rooted anger, also called hate can lead to mass violence, war, and even genocide. Still, many people justify anger, calling it righteous anger, when you have solid reasons to be angry. Also, people see anger as a functional emotion that assists us in asserting ourselves, and self defense and Aristotle declared anger to be a desire to repay suffering. We could also see anger as a form of energy, and when harvested the right way, it may help us to attain our goals stoic philosopher Seneca however is critical towards the validity of these claims, telling us that anger is a form of madness. I quote, for it is equally devoid of self control, regardless of decorum forgetful of kinship obstinately engrossed in whatever it begins to do depth to reason and advice, excited by trifling causes awkward.

Answer 31

There's a Buddhist story that challenges the notion of righteous anger by telling us about a young boy with a bad temper. His father was concerned about this, but instead of fighting anger with anger, he gave the boy a bag of nails and a hammer. He told him to hammer a nail into the fence every time he loses his temper. At the first day, the boy hammers about 30 nails in the fence, but the woman thinks past the daily amount of nails decreased until the day came, that the boy didn't lose his temper. Once he proudly told his father, who gave His Son, the instruction to pull out a nail every time he was able to suppress his temper. Finally, the day arrived, that all nails were pulled out the father showed his son the fence and said, Well done, my son. However, I want you to look closely at the fence, it's full of holes, which means that it has been changed forever. When you let anger out, it will leave scars, you can stick a knife in someone and pull it out. But no matter how often you apologize.

Answer 32

Now, there are many different forms of anger, there's rage surliness resentment bitterness harshness there's temporary anger that lasts a few minutes, and long term anger that lasts a lifetime Tibetan Buddhist monk geisha Yong Dong, distinguished two types of anger. Anger and cold anger. The first type of anger is the one that figuratively speaking sets oneself and the surroundings on fire. The second type of anger is the one that's internalized and repressed, and can be carried along for years, and eats one up inside. According to Seneca, we should not confuse human anger, with the aggression we see in animals, since human anger is based on flawed reasoning, while animal aggression is based on impulses, a fundamental difference between animals and humans, is our ability to reason Seneca doubts the usefulness of anger for humanity by explaining the nature of anger, compared to the nature of man.

Answer 33

" What is more savage against them than anger, mankind is born for mutual assistance, anger for mutual ruin the former loves society, the latter estrangement, the one loves to do good, the other to do harm the one to help even strangers. The other to attack, even its dearest friends, the one is ready even to sacrifice itself for the good of others. The other to plunge into peril provided it directs others with it" (seneca). Now, is anger useful. Both Buddhist and stoic ideas, agree on one point. Anger is not useful, the Dalai Lama pointed this out in his book, a policy of kindness, stating that anger is not necessary when we have the power of reason. Moreover, when we resort to using force, we probably don't have good reasons to do so. I quote, if there are sound reasons, or basis for the points you demand, then there's no need to use violence. On the other hand, when there is no sound reason that concessions should be made to you, but mainly your own desire, then reason cannot work, and you have to rely on force, does it using force is not a sign of strength, but rather a sign of weakness

Answer 34

Therefore, when we are about to throw a tantrum. It's always good to ask ourselves the following question Am I doing this from a place of power, or from a place of powerlessness. according to Seneca. There's nothing reason cannot do what anger can in his work of anger, he makes a distinction between using force, and using force with anger in some situations, it is necessary to use force. Many people believe that using force goes together with anger, and that being angry can somehow assist them in their use of force, but Seneca compared anger to drunkenness, in a battle, angry fighters have no control over their movements like drugs. Eventually, their rationalist leads to defeat by a more intelligent opponent, that isn't led by the passions. So what can we do about it. Well, anger comes in different stages, it may start with a light irritation which then builds up to one angry outburst when the latter is the case, it's too late. Seneca argues that in order to remedy anger, we should become aware of it, in the early stages, and apply antidotes when it's still small "that which is diseased can never bear to be handled without complaining, it is best. Therefore, to apply remedies to oneself as soon as we feel that anything is wrong, to allow oneself as little licensed as possible in speech to restrain once impetuosity. Now, it is easy to detect the first growth of our passions, the symptoms precede the disorder"

Answer 35

So, it is clear that the stoics prefer tranquility over anger, but how do we achieve this, in Buddhist as well as stoic sources will find different approaches and ideas that can help to kick anger to the curb, an important one is patience, which, according to Seneca is a product of reason the thought behind patience is actually an important Buddhist doctrine, called impermanence, everything is in flux, and what's happening in this moment will soon be the past, not only the things that we are upset about will lose their significance, the feelings of anger will start to subside. That's why counting to 10 is excellent advice, although in some cases it may be better to count to 100. Another one is acknowledging that we are angry. This doesn't mean that we act out, it's just that we accept that emotion is present in our body, denying the fact that we are angry, for example, because we want to be Goody goodies that never get angry, regardless of our true feelings, we're fooling ourselves and the world. It's just another form of repression, that will end up in the unconscious, we can just say to someone, I feel angry right now, without hitting the person with a rock.

Answer 36

When we acknowledge our anger, we create space between the observer, and the emotion, without identification with that emotion. This way it won't control us. Another one is forgiveness, which works better when it comes to long term anger like resentment, when we forgive, we can finally give ourselves permission to let go of the grudges that we have been carrying around for so long. The stoic idea of control is a good argument to practice forgiveness, some things are in our control. Some things aren't we can change the past, we can't control what the person who wronged us says, Does, or feels, but we can change our position towards it, we can let go and forgive, or we can choose to drink poison, and wait for the other person to perish, but it's more likely that this leads to our own slow and painful death.

Answer 37

Generate Idea - Come up with content of your ideas and other ideas. Come up with many and select most useful ideas. - Audience analysis - Topic selection - Develop purpose and Thesis - Develop main points - Supporting points - Research Arrangement - Order the points so that they are clear an memorable - Basic structure - problem and solution, cause and effect, compare and contrast, sequence, main idea and details - Transitions and signpost - Structure of support and research. - Compose an outline Style - Word choice (Clear, simple, understandable) - Figures for impact - Metaphor (shining beacon in dark world) Visual Auditory Auditory digital Kenostetic Adjust the speech for your specific situation If there will need to be more rebuttal ad that. If it needs more story, add that. If it needs more verse, add that. Memories it. Overlearn it.

Answer 38

Cornell West

Answer 39

Cornell West

Answer 40

Human beings can only focus on 1 thing at a time—once something grabs our attention, we ignore everything else. In addition, we don’t make decisions based on the most helpful or correct inputs. We make decisions based on the inputs we happen to be focusing on at that moment.

Answer 41

Are observable points in time when someone becomes especially receptive to a message being communicated. By using biased, one-sided questions (e.g. asking people if they’re helpful or generous), you can create privileged moments where they become vulnerable to related suggestions (e.g. asking for a donation).

Answer 42

Because of our limited attention, we assume that whatever we’re focusing on is more important. This means that a communicator can get us to place undue importance on something (e.g. a key feature or message) just by drawing our attention narrowly to it.

Answer 43

The more we focus on something, the more we’re likely to believe that it’s the cause of a problem or behavior, even if these causal links are completely illogical.

Answer 44

We’re attracted to stimuli that are relevant to our survival or goals. You can capture people’s attention using sex appeal, violence/fear, changes/contrast in their environment, or by focusing on what’s relevant to them (e.g. info about them or the use of the word “you”).

Answer 45

The Zeigarnik effect says that we pay much more attention to unfinished tasks than completed ones. You can take advantage of this effect to counter procrastination, or create a sense of mystery to draw people in and keep their attention. The final approach suggested by Cialdini as a way of attracting attention is the use of mystery stories. Mystery stories encourage the audience to pay attention so they can solve the mystery themselves. Behavioral scientists have reinforced the importance of mysteries by identifying something called the next-in-line effect. This effect was first identified when viewing people’s recall during conversations just before speaking and just after. Essentially, people cannot focus on what is happening in front of them just before they speak. The individual is too busy rehearsing what they have to do and say within their head. Then, after speaking, the individual is focused on reviewing what they have just said. Therefore, use a lack of closure to help create better retention. Researchers have found that the adverts remembered best are those stopped five to six seconds before their natural endings. In this instance, our mind is more likely to review the advert’s information to finish the story ourselves. Hence, mysteries and cliffhangers can be highly effective marketing tools. One of the reasons mysteries are so compelling is that counterarguments are generally more powerful than confirmatory arguments. The most effective counterarguments are ones that suggest the source of the original argument is untrustworthy. This is an approach often used in politics. Cialdini provides an example from his own life to back up this point. Cialdini used to go around at parties and offer to read people’s palms. He was often saying broad statements such as “you are stubborn” or “you are unhappy about something,” but the guests always believed him. This is because, when deciding whether a possibility is correct, people typically look for confirmations of the idea rather than disconfirmations.

Answer 46

1. Pose your specific mystery 2. Deepen the mystery 3. Hone in on a proper explanation by considering an alternative explanation. This alternative explanation should be supported by evidence 4. Provide clues as to a proper explanation fo the mystery 5. Resolve the mystery, coupled with help from the audience 6. Outline the implications of the resolution of this mystery

Answer 47

“In large measure, who we are with respect to any choice is where we are, attentionally, in the moment before the choice.” – Robert Cialdini Association is one of the most effective tools for improving employee productivity and audience engagement. For example, it is possible to significantly improve workers’ performance by providing them with words and images associated with achievement. Multiple studies have shown that subtly exposing individuals to words related to achievement (win, attain, succeed) increase their performance and more than doubles their perseverance. Another research study found that holding a heavy object leads to people perceiving presented items as more serious, important, or requiring effort. In contrast, if people are holding a warm object, then they feel closer to and more trusting of those around them. In addition to using physical tools to your advantage, you can also use specific vocabulary to influence people’s thoughts towards your product. For example, rather than describing your products as ‘used’ you should describe them as ‘pre-owned’. Similarly, replace the word ‘cost’ with ‘investment’. Your choice of words will have a significant impact on the way others view your product.

Answer 48

Association can also be used by facilitating connections between people and your product or ideas. For example, people are more likely to invest in a product that shares letters of the alphabet with their names. Therefore, try and create multiple connection opportunities between your product and your potential audience. This approach will help them look upon your product more favorably. People are more easily persuaded by things that immediately make sense to them. For example, a picture or process that is effortless to understand is viewed as more valid and worthwhile. Hence, songs and poetry with rhyming are often more popular. Similarly, humans have a bias toward liking people with easily recognizable facial features and easily pronounced names. Similarly, words that are easier to pronounce, spell, read, and remember are much more persuasive than words that aren’t. People have positive associations with ease.

Answer 49

When designing your product, you always want to have your target audience in mind. One way to enhance your ability to think about what your audience might like is to surround yourself with people and objects that remind you of your audience. Additionally, the environment in which your product is placed should complement your product’s vision.

Answer 50

“So by my lights, the number one rule for salespeople is to show customers that you genuinely like them. There’s a wise adage that fits this logic well: people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Robert Cialdini To increase your return, you should aim to give before asking for something. However, make sure what you are giving is meaningful, unexpected, and customized. Each of these factors is essential for optimizing your pre-suasion. On top of this, make sure the person you are talking to knows that you care. People will not care about how much you know about your product unless they understand how much you care. Therefore, show genuine interest in the other person and your product. Be likable, friendly, and humorous. The more enjoyable you are to be around, the more likely the other person will associate positive emotions with your product or idea.

Answer 51

General Tips - People view popular choices as more right, both morally and practically. Therefore, you should label products you particularly want to sell as ‘most popular.’ - It is a better approach to tell people that their peers are doing what you want them to do, rather than directly telling people what to do. - Admitting your weaknesses early on in a conversation will allow you to gain instant trustworthiness. Then, you can channel this weakness into a strength. For example, “although our product isn’t the cheapest on the market, you will save money in the long-term because of its superior build quality.”

Answer 52

Influence Principles The influence principles provided by Cialdini can be broken down into three stages. Stage 1 (cultivating a positive association): use Reciprocity and Liking. Give first (in a meaningful, unexpected, customized way), highlighting genuine commonalities, and offering real compliments. Stage 2 (reducing uncertainty): use Social Proof and Authority. Give evidence that a person’s choice is well-regarded by peers or experts. Stage 3 (motivating action): use Consistency and Scarcity. Remind the individual what they said about a topic in the past and what they could los

Answer 53

1. Reciprocation – People say yes to those they owe. We have a strong tendency to feel that those who have given benefits to us are entitled to benefits from us in return. If you want to pre-suade with this message, take a chance and give first. 2. Liking – People trust those who like them. If you want to pre-suade with a message, mention similarities and give compliments. 3. Social Proof – People think that it’s appropriate for them to believe, feel, or do something if others believe, feel, or do the same thing. 4. Authority – People will listen to those that are authoritative. Show your audience that you are trustworthy and knowledgeable on the topic and it will be well received. 5. Scarcity – People want more of something unavailable. The scarcity of an item raises the perceived value. In the consumer’s mind, any constraint on access increases the worth of what is being offered. 6. Consistency – If you can encourage somebody to take a small pre-suasive step, then you can increase their willingness to take larger and more consistent steps.

Answer 54

Relationships are one of the most powerful tools for influencing people. Cialdini explains that relationships can intensify people’s willingness to help, but also cause it. The most influential relationships are those where individuals see another individual as one of their group, rather than being similar to their group. Hence, these relationships are about shared identities, e.g., gender, race, politics, religion, or birthplace. However, by far, the most influential relationship to utilize is family. Cialdini describes bloodline as the ultimate relationship. However, Cialdini does not only believe that genetic connectedness falls under the banner of bloodline. Instead, people who share a similar sub-language or imagery can count as part of the same bloodline. For example, brotherhood, sisterhood, and heritage. These individuals treat each other as if they are their family. Therefore, Cialdini includes them within the same category. Many experiences will cause people to feel unity. This includes liking, support, continued reciprocal exchange, co-creation, and getting together. By installing one of these unitizing experiences in people pre-persuasively, you can start influencing people in a way that will bring you success.

Answer 55

Attaching a reason to a request increases the success rate: “I have 5 pages, can I use the Xerox machine before you because I’m in a rush” had a success rate of 94% vs.60% success rate when no ‘reason why’ was given. Showing potential customers the most expensive item first then working downwards in price leads to an increase in the amount spent (as the next products seem cheaper in comparison).

Answer 56

Humans inherently dislike being indebted to someone, so much so that often a small gift or favour will lead to a larger reciprocal response. This fact is exploited worldwide, e.g. Hare Krishna’s who offer a ‘gift’ of a flower when soliciting for donations (which they refuse to take back). As the receiver cannot unburden themselves from the subconscious debt, the social pressure to donate leads to a higher donation rate than merely soliciting alone. An Indian supermarket sold £1000 of cheese in a few hours by inviting customers to slice their own free samples.

Answer 57

This technique consists of first demanding a high price (or a large favour), then waiting for it to be rejected, only to follow this demand up with a smaller one, (that you really wanted all along). Quote from a child: ‘If you want a kitten, first ask for a pony’ (Ed).

Answer 58

We tend to remain consistent to our commitments, once we have made them (consistency is a socially attractive trait). Studies found that when people are asked if they would vote led to an increased likelihood to follow-through. This is why it is recommended to write down/verbally state our goals, as we then stand a much greater chance of sticking to them (cf http://www.stickk.com – Ed) Households were called and asked to predict what they would do if they were asked to volunteer for three hours to collect for charity. Three days later, they were recalled and asked to collect for charity. This led to an increase in the numbers of volunteers by 700%. Its use in business was put succinctly by an article in American Salesman. “When a person has signed an order for your merchandise, even though the profit is small, he is no longer a prospect – he is a customer”

Answer 59

“We are what we repeatedly do”- Aristotle. We will act in ways that are consistent with our identity, beliefs and values. American POW’s in Korea who were made into collaborators, started co-operating when they were labelled and classed themselves as a collaborator.

Answer 60

People are influenced by what others do. At an unfamiliar event or situation, we look to others on the correct etiquette. This is exploited for example, in bars or at church collections. The tips/donations are sometimes ‘salted’ by having money already placed there or having a stooge give money to stimulate others to tip. This effect is amplified by how similar the person whose actions we are watching are to ourselves.

Answer 61

As a rule, we prefer to say yes to the request of those we like over those we don’t. There are several key properties that determine our view of people: Attractiveness, similarity, compliments, contact & co-operation, conditioning and association. Studies found we automatically attribute traits such as talent, kindness, honesty and intelligence to attractive people. It is no co-incidence that ‘attractive’ political candidates received two and a half times the votes of unattractive rivals. We like people who are similar to us, with the same views, interests, beliefs and values. We therefore need to find areas of shared interest to increase rapport and connection. Joe Girard won for twelve years straight the title of ‘Number one salesman’, selling on average five cars or trucks a day. His formula behind his success was simple; he provided a fair price, and someone they like to buy from. One of his key tactics however was to employ the use of compliments. Every month he sent every one of his 13,000 former customers a holiday greeting card containing a personal message. The holiday greeting changed from month to month (Happy New Year, Happy Easter etc.), but the message printed on the face of the card never varied. It only read ‘I like you’.

Answer 62

When a salesman approaches the person recommended, saying “your friend recommended this for you” it increases the chance they will make a purchase. Turning the salesman away is difficult as it’s like rejecting one’s friend.

Answer 63

The greater the perceived authority of a person, the more likely people are to comply (cf the Stanley Milgram experiments). Hospitals have a 12% daily error rate. This is because, nurses and junior doctors will very rarely challenge the decision made by an authoritative figure, despite receiving potentially lethal, or bizarre requests. We often perceive and interact with people with authority differently. The more power a person is deemed to have, the more generous people are when estimating their height, and the more cautious we are with our conversations.

Answer 64

We are more motivated to act if we think we are going to lose something, than if we are to gain something. ‘Save £50 a month on…’ would not be as effective as ‘You are losing £50 a month on…’. An item that is scarce is more desirable than one that is freely available. The high pressure environment, like an auction can lead an item being sold for an elevated price as the buyers fear losing out to another person.

Answer 65

We think we know how the world works, but we really don’t. We narratives to explain why we do what we do. Cognitive biases are predictable patterns of thought and behavior that lead us to draw incorrect conclusions. Heuristics are mental shortcuts we use to solve common problems. Logical fallacies are like maths problems involving language, in which you skip a step or get turned around without realizing it.

Answer 66

“There is a growing body of work coming out of psychology and cognitive science that says you have no clue why you act the way you do, choose the things you choose or think the thoughts you think.” “From the greatest scientist to the most humble artisan, every brain within every body is infested with preconceived notions and patterns of thought that lead it astray without the brain knowing it.” “You are naturally hindered into thinking in certain ways and not others, and the world around you is the product of dealing with these biases, not overcoming them.” “Cognitive biases are predictable patterns of thought and behavior that lead you to draw incorrect conclusions.” “Heuristics are mental shortcuts you use to solve common problems. They speed up processing in the brain, but sometimes make you think so fast you miss what is important.” “Logical fallacies are like maths problems involving language, in which you skip a step or get turned around without realizing it … They are arguments in your mind where you reach a conclusion without all the facts because you don’t care to hear them or have no idea how limited your information is.” “Logical fallacies can also be the result of wishful thinking.”

Answer 67

Priming is when a stimulus in the past affects the way you behave and think or the way you perceive another stimulus later on. (Sam: Dan Ariely discusses priming at length in his book, Predictably Irrational.) “Priming works best when you are on autopilot when you aren’t trying to consciously introspect before choosing how to behave.” “You can’t self-prime, not directly. Priming has to be unconscious; more specifically, it has to happen within what psychologists refer to as the adaptive unconscious—a place largely inaccessible.” Often, we are unaware of how unaware we are. “Priming works only if you aren’t aware of it, and those who depend on priming to put food on the table work very hard to keep their influence hidden.” “You are most open to suggestion when your mental cruise control is on or when you find yourself in unfamiliar circumstances.”

Answer 68

Confabulation describes our tendency to ignore our motivations and create fictional narratives to explain our decisions, emotions, and history without realizing it.

Answer 69

“When the frequency illusion goes from a passive phenomenon to an active pursuit, that’s when you start to experience confirmation bias.” Confirmation bias occurs when you perceive the world through a filter, thinking selectively. Put simply, you want to be right about how you see the world, so you seek out information that confirms your beliefs and avoid contradictory evidence and opinions. “People like to be told what they already know.”

Answer 70

We often look back on the things we’ve just learned and assume we knew them or believed them all along. This is known as hindsight bias. “You are always looking back at the person you used to be, always reconstructing the story of your life to better match the person you are today.” “Hindsight bias is a close relative of the availability heuristic.” “The availability heuristic shows you make decisions and think thoughts based on the information you have at hand while ignoring all the other information that might be out there.” “You do the same thing with Hindsight Bias, by thinking thoughts and making decisions based on what you know now, not what you used to know.”

Answer 71

“Picking out clusters of coincidence is a predictable malfunction of normal human logic.” “If hindsight bias and confirmation bias had a baby, it would be the Texas sharpshooter fallacy.” “Anywhere people are searching for meaning, you will see the Texas sharpshooter fallacy.” “You commit the Texas sharpshooter fallacy when you need a pattern to provide meaning, to console you, to lay blame.”

Answer 72

“Procrastination is all about choosing want over should because you don’t have a plan for those times when you can expect to be tempted.” “Faced with two possible rewards, you are more likely to take the one that you can enjoy now over one you will enjoy later—even if the later reward is far greater.” “One of the best ways to see how bad you are at coping with procrastination is to notice how you deal with deadlines.” “If you fail to believe you will procrastinate or become idealistic about how awesome you are at working hard and managing your time, you never develop a strategy for outmaneuvering your own weakness.” “You must be adept at thinking about thinking to defeat yourself at procrastination.” The trick to overcoming procrastination is to accept that the now-you will not be the person facing those choices, it will be the future-you—a person who can’t be trusted. Future-you will give in, and then you’ll go back to being now-you and feel weak and ashamed. Now-you must trick future-you into doing what is right for both parties.

Answer 73

“Procrastination is all about choosing want over should because you don’t have a plan for those times when you can expect to be tempted.” “Faced with two possible rewards, you are more likely to take the one that you can enjoy now over one you will enjoy later—even if the later reward is far greater.” “One of the best ways to see how bad you are at coping with procrastination is to notice how you deal with deadlines.” “If you fail to believe you will procrastinate or become idealistic about how awesome you are at working hard and managing your time, you never develop a strategy for outmaneuvering your own weakness.” “You must be adept at thinking about thinking to defeat yourself at procrastination.” The trick to overcoming procrastination is to accept that the now-you will not be the person facing those choices, it will be the future-you—a person who can’t be trusted. Future-you will give in, and then you’ll go back to being now-you and feel weak and ashamed. Now-you must trick future-you into doing what is right for both parties.

Answer 74

“No matter what you encounter in life, your first analysis of any situation is to see it in the context of what is normal for you and then compare and contrast the new information against what you know usually happens … Because of this, you have a tendency to interpret strange and alarming situations as if they were just part of business as usual.” “In any perilous event, like a sinking ship or a towering inferno, a shooting rampage or a tornado, there is a chance you will become so overwhelmed by the perilous overflow of ambiguous information that you will do nothing at all.” “Normalcy bias is stalling during a crisis and pretending everything will continue to be as fine and predictable as it was before.”

Answer 75

The origin of certain emotional states is unavailable to you, and when pressed to explain them, you will just make something up. This is called the introspection illusion.

Answer 76

The availability heuristic describes our tendency to react more rapidly and to a greater degree when considering information you are familiar with. “The old adage ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’ is the availability heuristic at work.”’ “It’s simply easier to believe something if you are presented with examples than it is to accept something presented in numbers or abstract facts.”

Answer 77

The more people who witness a person in distress, the less likely it is that any one person will help. This is known as the bystander effect.

Answer 78

Here’s how McRaney describes the Dunning-Kruger Effect The more skilled you are, the more practice you’ve put in, the more experience you have, the better you can compare yourself to others. As you strive to improve, you begin to better understand where you need work. You start to see the complexity and nuance; you discover masters of your craft and compare yourself to them and see where you are lacking. On the other hand, the less skilled you are, the less practice you’ve put in, and the fewer experiences you have, the worse you are at comparing yourself to others on certain tasks. Your peers don’t call you out because they know as little as you do, or they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Answer 79

“Coincidences are a routine part of life, even the seemingly miraculous ones. Any meaning applied to them comes from your mind. This is known a apophenia.”

Answer 80

“You prefer the things you own because you rationalize your past choices to protect your sense of self. This is called brand loyalty.”

Answer 81

“When you see the opinions of some people as better than others on the merit of their status or training alone, you are arguing from authority.”

Answer 82

The argument from ignorance is when you decide something is true or false because you can’t find evidence to the contrary. “You don’t know what the truth is, so you assume any explanation is as good as another.”

Answer 83

“When you get into an argument about either something personal or something more public and abstract, you sometimes resort to constructing a character who you find easier to refute, argue, and disagree with, or you create a position the other person isn’t even suggesting or defending.” “Any time someone begins an attack with ‘So you’re saying we should all just . . .’ or ‘Everyone knows . . . ,’ you can bet a straw man is coming.”

Answer 84

“When you assume someone is incorrect based on who that person is or what group he or she belongs to, you have committed the ad hominem fallacy.”

Answer 85

“When you hear about a situation you hope never happens to you, you tend to blame the victim, not because you are a terrible person but because you want to believe you are smart enough to avoid the same fate.” “It is common in fiction for the bad guys to lose and the good guys to win. This is how you would like to see the world—just and fair. In psychology, the tendency to believe that this is how the real world works is called the just-world fallacy.” “You want the world to be fair, so you pretend it is.”

Answer 86

“The public goods game suggests regulation through punishment discourages slackers.”

Answer 87

“When it comes to making a deal, you base your decision on your status.”

Answer 88

“You are prone to believing vague statements and predications are true, especially if they are positive and address you personally.” “The tendency to believe vague statements designed to appeal to just about anyone is called the Forer effect, and psychologists point to this phenomenon to explain why people fall for pseudoscience like biorhythms, iridology, and phrenology, or mysticism like astrology, numerology, and tarot cards.” The Forer effect is part of a larger phenomenon psychologists refer to as subjective validation, which is a fancy way of saying you are far more vulnerable to suggestion when the subject of the conversation is you.

Answer 89

“The desire to reach consensus and avoid confrontation hinders progress.” “For a group to make good decisions, they must allow dissent and convince everyone they are free to speak their mind without risk of punishment.” “True groupthink depends on three conditions—a group of people who like one another, isolation, and a deadline for a crucial decision.” “When groups get together to make a decision, an illusion of invulnerability can emerge in which everyone feels secure in the cohesion. You begin to rationalize other people’s ideas and don’t reconsider your own. You want to defend the group’s cohesion from all harm, so you suppress doubts, you don’t argue, you don’t offer alternatives—and since everyone is doing this, the leader of the group falsely assumes everyone is in agreement.”

Answer 90

A supernormal releaser is an exaggerated version of a stimulus to which there is an existing response tendency, or any stimulus that elicits a response more strongly than the stimulus for which it evolved.

Answer 91

“The tendency to make poor decisions and ignore odds in favor of your gut feelings is called the affect heuristic.” “The affect heuristic is one way you rapidly come to a conclusion about new information.” “When first impressions linger and influence how you feel about second, third, and fourth impressions, you are being befuddled by the affect heuristic.”

Answer 92

“You can maintain relationships and keep up with only around 150 people at once.”

Answer 93

“Poor people compete with resources. The middle class competes with selection. The wealthy compete with possessions.”

Answer 94

“You excuse your failures and see yourself as more successful, more intelligent and more skilled than you are.” “When things are going your way, you attribute everything to your amazing skills, but once the tide turns, you look for external factors that prevented your genius from shining through.” “You don’t believe you are an average person, but you do believe everyone else is. This tendency, which springs from self-serving bias, is called the illusory superiority effect.”

Answer 95

“People devote little attention to you unless prompted to.”

Answer 96

“For every outlet of information, there are some who see it as dangerous not because it affects them, but because it might affect the thoughts and opinions of an imaginary third party. This sense of alarm about the impact of speech not on yourself but on others is called the third person effect.” “The third person effect is a version of the self-serving bias. You excuse your failures and see yourself as more successful, more intelligent, and more skilled than you are.”

Answer 97

“Venting increases aggressive behavior over time” “If you think catharsis is good, you are more likely to seek it out when you get pissed. When you vent, you stay angry and are more likely to keep doing aggressive things so you can keep venting.”

Answer 98

“Memories are constructed anew each time from whatever information is currently available, which makes them highly permeable to influencers from the present.”

Answer 99

“It takes little more than an authority figure or social pressure to get you to obey, because conformity is a survival instinct.”

Answer 100

“Anytime you quit something cold turkey, your brain will make a last-ditch effort to return you to your habit.” “Your brain didn’t evolve in an environment where there was an abundance of food, so whenever you find a high-calorie, high-fat, high-sodium source, your natural inclination is to eat a lot of it and then go back to it over and over again. If you take away a reward like that, your brain throws a tantrum.” “There are two kinds of conditioning—classical and operant. In classical conditioning, something that normally doesn’t have any influence becomes a trigger for a response. Operant conditioning changes your desires. Your inclinations become greater through reinforcement, or diminish through punishment.” “When you expect a reward or a punishment and nothing happens, your conditioned response starts to fade away.”

Answer 101

“Once part of a group, you tend to put in less effort because you know your work will be pulled together with others’.”

Answer 102

“You know what you are feeling and thinking, and you tend to believe those thoughts and emotions are leaking out of your pores, visible to the world, perceivable to the outside.” “When your emotions take over, when your own mental state becomes the focus of your attention, your ability to gauge what other people are experiencing gets muted.”

Answer 103

“If you feel like you aren’t in control of your destiny, you will give up and accept whatever situation you are in.” “If, over the course of your life, you have experienced crushing defeat or pummeling abuse or loss of control, you convince yourself over time that there is no escape, and if escape is offered, you will not act—you become a nihilist who trusts futility above optimism.”

Answer 104

“You translate your physical world into words, and then believe those words.”

Answer 105

“Your first perception lingers in your mind, affecting later perceptions and decisions.” “You depend on anchoring every day to predict the outcome of events, to estimate how much time something will take or how much money something will cost. When you need to choose between options, or estimate a value, you need footing to stand on.”

Answer 106

“Psychologists call missing information in plain sight inattentional blindness.” “Your attention is like a spotlight, and only the illuminated portions of the world appear in your perception.” “Your perception is built out of what you attend to.” “The problem with inattentional blindness is not that it happens so often, it’s that you don’t believe it happens.” “The fraternal twin of inattentional blindness is change blindness. The brain can’t keep up with the total amount of information coming in from your eyes, and so your experience from moment to moment is edited for simplicity.” “The more your attention is engaged, the less you expect something out of the ordinary and the less prone you are to see it even when lives could be at stake.”

Answer 107

“You often creation conditions for failure ahead of time to protect your ego.” “Self-handicapping is a reality negotiation, an unconscious manipulation, of both your perceptions and those of others, that you use to protect your ego.” “Self-handicapping behaviors are investments in a future reality in which you can blame your failure on something other than your ability.” “Men use self-handicapping more than women to assuage their fears of failure.” “Whenever you venture into uncharted waters with failure as a distinct possibility, your anxiety will be lowered every time you see a new way to blame possible failure on forces beyond your control.”

Answer 108

“Just believing a future event will happen can cause it to happen if the event depends on human behavior.” “The future is the result of actions, and actions are the result of behavior, and behavior is the result of prediction. This is called the Thomas Theorem.” “What was once false becomes true, and in hindsight it seems as if it always was.” “When you fear you will confirm a negative stereotype, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy not because the stereotype is true, but because you can’t stop worrying that you could become an example proving it.” “If you want a better job, a better marriage, a better teacher, a better friend—you have to act as if the thing you want out of the other person is already headed your way.” “A negative outlook will lead to negative predictions, and you will start to unconsciously manipulate your environment to deliver those predictions.”

Answer 109

“You are multiple selves, and happiness depends on satisfying all of them”

Answer 110

“Unless you consciously keep tabs on your progress, you assume the way you feel now is the way you have always felt.” “One of the stranger facets of consistency bias is how it can be evoked on the spot.” “Consistency bias is part of your overall desire to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance, the emotions you feel when noticing that you are of two minds on one issue.”

Answer 111

“You jump to conclusions based on how representative a person seems to be of a preconceived character type.” “When it comes to strangers, your first instinct is to fit them into archetypes to quickly determine their value or threat.” “The representativeness heuristic helps fuel several other cognitive missteps, like the conjunction fallacy.” “The conjunction fallacy builds on your representativeness heuristic. The more things you hear about which match your mental models, the more likely they seem.” “Representativeness heuristics are useful, but also dangerous. They can help you avoid danger and seek help, but they can also lead to generalizations and prejudices.”

Answer 112

“Wine experts and consumers can be fooled by altering their expectations.”

Answer 113

“Other people’s behavior is more the result of the situation than their disposition.” “When you are at a restaurant, you have a hard time seeing through to the personality of the server. You place blame and assume you are dealing with a slacker. Sometimes you are right, but often you are committing the fundamental attribution error.” “When you don’t know much about a person, when you haven’t had a chance to get to know him or her, you have a tendency to turn the person into a character. You lean on archetypes and stereotypes culled from experience and fantasy. Even though you know better, you still do it.” “According to psychologist Harold Kelly, when you conjure an attribution for someone else’s actions, you consider consistency.” “When you can’t check for consistency, you blame people’s behavior on their personality.” “You commit the fundamental attribution error by believing other people’s actions burgeon from the sort of people they are and have nothing to do with the setting.” “When you interpret your loved one’s coldness as his or her indifference to your wants and needs instead of as a reaction to stress at work or problems ricocheting in your loved one’s own heart, you’ve committed the fundamental attribution error.” “The fundamental attribution error leads to labels and assumptions about who people are, but remember first impressions are mostly incorrect.”

Answer 114

I was going to do breakdancing but I get enough noise complaints as it is. I have hardwood floors, LED lights and tequila so its basically a salsa studio. I always feel like black and latino people don't need that much to have fun. (Trailer park) (Salsa in Colombia)

Answer 115

I'm the black guy who gives their white friends advice from every movie.(you can be my wing girl). I'm your sexy fairly dark god father. You need a tequila shot.

Answer 116

I'm shivering just thinking about it. Like my grandma always said. Its colder than a penguins dick. Have you ever seen star wars? Do you know hoth? Well new jersey winter isn't like hoth. Its like the vacuum of space where all the star wars take place.

Answer 117

You seem like a girl with an awesome backstory. Its like one of the anime characters that has bright color hair or eyes when everyone else has boring features. Am I supposed to get a quest from you or something? Are you one of the big 3? (Wizard, Alien, robot)

Answer 118

Thats 3 points. Keep it up

Answer 119

Were definitely getting married. Now you have to impress my 12 other wives. Wife 8 is an astronaut, wife 10 is Wonder Woman. Out of curiosity do you believe in marriage?

Answer 120

I'm a photographer. But I only take only fans pics. Men's feet monthly. Hey its a growing business in Atlanta. I think photography has so much to give to the world. Its really changed the world. We're able to capture memories and communicate them to other people. We can share our memories directly with other people. I think even if its superficial sharing moments and our lives directly with other people is a beautiful/priceless thing. I think it connects us to what is human about others.

Answer 121

Your not a serial killer are you. How much true crime do you watch? Women like true crime Trying to become serial killers. She knew exactly how to get rid of a body. Judging the criminal.

Answer 122

You are largely unaware of how deeply your emotions dominate you. Rationality is the ability to counteract these emotional effects, to think instead of react, to open your mind to what is really happening, as opposed to what you are feeling. It does not come naturally; it is a power we must cultivate. Keys to Human Nature We can see the difference in the decisions and actions that people take and the results that ensue. Rational people demonstrate over time that they are able to finish a project, to realize their goals, to work effectively with a team, and to create something that lasts. Irrational people reveal in their lives negative patterns—mistakes that keep repeating, unnecessary conflicts that follow them wherever they go, dreams and projects that are never realized, anger and desires for change that are never translated into concrete action.

Answer 123

Step One: Recognize the Biases There are several you should be particularly aware of: confirmation bias, conviction bias, appearance bias, group bias, blame bias, superiority bias. Step Two: Beware the Inflaming Factors Trigger points from childhood: look for childish intensity and out of character actions. Sudden gains or losses: counter these with pessimism or optimism; we underestimate the role of luck. Rising pressure: people act differently under pressure. Inflaming individuals: distance yourself from people who arouse extreme emotions in you. Group effect: beware large groups, and keep close your ability to think for yourself. Step Three: Strategies Toward Bringing Out the Rational Self Know yourself thoroughly Examine your emotions to their roots: dig below trigger points to see where they started. Increase your reaction time: train yourself to step back. Accept people as facts: see other people as phenomena, and avoid the emotional toll. Find the optimal balance of thinking and emotion: maintain a balance between skepticism and curiosity. Love the rational: taming the emotional self will lead to calmness and clarity.

Answer 124

We all naturally possess the most remarkable tool for connecting to people and attaining social power—empathy. This instrument, however, is blunted by our habitual self-absorption. We are all narcissists, some deeper on the spectrum than others. Our mission in life is to come to terms with this self-love and learn how to turn our sensitivity outward, toward others, instead of inward.

Answer 125

We must be honest about our own nature and not deny it. We are all narcissists. We need to develop our own empathy; to do this we need to develop 4 skills: The empathetic attitude: you must begin with the assumption you are ignorant. Learn to be curious about other people’s point of view. Visceral empathy: pay attention to moods, as indicated by body language and tone of voice. Mirroring people will also help draw out an empathetic response. Analytic empathy: gather as much information about the early years of the people you are studying and their relationship to their parents and siblings. The empathetic skill: to work on this skill, keep several things in mind: The more people you interact with in the flesh, the better you will get at this. And the greater the variety of people you meet, the more versatile your skill will become.

Answer 126

People tend to wear the mask that shows them off in the best possible light—humble, confident, diligent. They say the right things, smile, and seem interested in our ideas. They learn to conceal their insecurities and envy. If we take this appearance for reality, we never really know their true feelings, and on occasion we are blindsided by their sudden resistance, hostility, and manipulative actions. People continually leak out their true feelings and unconscious desires in the nonverbal cues they cannot completely control—facial expressions, vocal inflections, tension in the body, and nervous gestures. You must master this language by transforming yourself into a superior reader of men and women. On the other hand, since appearances are what people judge you by, you must learn how to present the best front and play your role to maximum effect

Answer 127

Your task as a student of human nature is twofold: First, you must understand and accept the theatrical quality of life. You do not moralize and rail against the role-playing and the wearing of masks so essential to smooth social functioning. Second, you must not be naive and mistake people’s appearances for reality. You are not blinded by people’s acting skills. You transform yourself into a master decoder of their true feelings, working on your observation skills and practicing them as much as you can in daily life.

Answer 128

Try and rediscover skills you had in your earlier years. Start by trying to observe facial expressions that contradict what a person is saying. Move on to voice afterwards, and then body language. You can practice this on people you know, and also in public places. Observe yourself too. Everything people do is a gesture of some sort or another.

Answer 129

We often feel something isn’t right; we must learn to trust such intuitive responses and look for signs. People give out clear indications in their body language of active dislike or hostility. These include the sudden squinting of the eyes at something you have said, the glare, the pursing of the lips until they nearly disappear, the stiff neck, the torso or feet that turn away from you while you are still engaged in a conversation, the folding of the arms as you try to make a point, and an overall tenseness in the body. A good way to gauge subtler body language is how someone behaves towards you versus others. When people start to feel comfortable in your presence, they will stand closer to you or lean in, their arms not folded or revealing any tension. If you are giving a talk or telling a story, frequent head nods, attentive gazes, and genuine smiles will indicate that people agree with what you are saying and are losing their resistance. They exchange more looks. Perhaps the best and most exciting sign of all is synchrony, the other person unconsciously mirroring you. You can also train yourself to not only monitor these changes that show your influence but induce them as well by displaying positive cues yourself. You begin to slowly stand or lean closer, revealing subtle signs of openness. You nod and smile as others talk. You mirror their behavior and their breathing patterns.

Answer 130

Confidence usually comes with a greater feeling of relaxation that is clearly reflected in the face, and with a greater freedom of movement. Those who are powerful will feel allowed to look around more at others, choosing to make eye contact with whomever they please. Their eyelids are more closed, a sign of seriousness and competence. If they feel bored or annoyed, they show it more freely and openly. They often smile less, frequent smiling being a sign of overall insecurity. They feel more entitled to touch people, such as with friendly pats on the back or on the arm. They stand taller, and their gestures are relaxed and comfortable. Most important, others feel compelled to imitate their style and mannerisms. For deception, the best we can do is to learn to recognize certain telltale signs of an attempt at deception and maintain our skepticism as we examine the evidence further. The most clear and common sign comes when people assume an extra-animated front. Similarly, if people are trying to cover something up, they tend to become extra vehement, righteous, and chatty. They are playing on the conviction bias. In both cases—the cover-up and the soft sell—the deceiver is striving to distract you from the truth. With such deceivers you will often notice that one part of the face or the body is more expressive to attract your attention. This will often be the area around the mouth, with large smiles and changing expressions. This is the easiest area of the body for people to manipulate and create an animated effect. But it could also be exaggerated gestures with the hands and arms. The key is that you will detect tension and anxiety in other parts of the body, because it is impossible for them to control all of the muscles.

Answer 131

Master the nonverbal cues: radiate confidence, flash genuine smiles, mirror the people you deal with. Be a method actor: learn how to consciously put yourself in the right emotional mood. Adapt to your audience: shape your nonverbal cues to audience style and taste. Create the proper first impression: give extra attention to your first appearance before and individual or group. Use dramatic effects: make your appearances and behavior less predictable. Project saintly qualities: show yourself as progressive, supremely tolerant and open-minded.

Answer 132

When choosing people to work and associate with, do not be mesmerized by their reputation or taken in by the surface image they try to project. Instead, train yourself to look deep within them and see their character. Gauge the relative strength of their character by how well they handle adversity, their ability to adapt and work with other people, their patience and ability to learn. A person of strong character is like gold—rare but invaluable. They can adapt, learn, and improve themselves. Keys to Human Nature Character, then, is something that is so deeply ingrained or stamped within us that it compels us to act in certain ways, beyond our awareness and control. We can conceive of this character as having three essential components, each layered on top of the other, giving this character depth. The first comes from genetics. The second, our early years and the attachments we formed. The third is from our habits and experiences as we get older. First, we must understand our own character, and find the negative patterns that you can see recurring in your life. Second, we must develop our skill in reading the character of people we deal with.

Answer 133

The most significant indicator of people’s character comes through their actions over time. At times of stress or crisis is when flaws become apparent, and similarly, how people handle power and responsibility. Note that extroverts and introverts will have different characteristics, and you must recognize those to categorize them and judge their character correctly. It is critical that you measure the relative strength of someone’s character as well. The strength emanates from a feeling of personal security and self-worth. This allows such people to take criticism and learn from their experiences. This means they do not give up so easily, since they want to learn how to get better. They are rigorously persistent. People of strong character are open to new ideas and ways of doing things without compromising the basic principles they adhere to. In adversity they can retain their presence of mind. They can handle chaos and the unpredictable without succumbing to anxiety. They keep their word. They have patience, can organize a lot of material, and complete what they start. Not continually insecure about their status, they can also subsume their personal interests to the good of the group, knowing that what works best for the team will in the end make their life easier and better.

Answer 134

The Hyperperfectionist: patterns of initial success followed by burnout and spectacular failures. The Relentless Rebel: initially seem exciting, but are locked in adolescence. The Personalizer: seem sensitive and thoughtful, but take everything personally. The Drama Magnet: they are exciting to be around, but will eventually cause ugly drama. The Big Talker: they have big ideas, and are looking for help and backers, but can be afraid of actually implementing them. The Sexualizer: they seem charged with sexual energy, but will blend the boundaries of when this is appropriate. The Pampered Prince/Princess: they seem calm and confident and with a regal air, but will cause others to feel guilty for not attending to them. The Savior: they will save you from your difficulties and troubles; it is better to become self-reliant. The Easy Moralizer: they communicate a sense of injustice at this or that, but have a secret side with flaws.

Answer 135

Example: Athenes prospered when it was led by Pericles in 400 BC, who is believed to have been a very rational man. After he left the political arena Athenes started to regress. Advice: You need to control your emotions and behave rationally.

Answer 136

Example: Joseph Stalin — premier of the Soviet Union — was a very charming and influential person. He was also a narcissist who killed many people during his reign. Leo Tolstoy — a Russian novelist — and his wife Sonya were both narcissists. Their relationship was complicated. Lack of empathy made the partners retreat deeper and deeper into their own defensive positions. Advice: You need to transform self-love into empathy. This will make you more successful in your group.

Answer 137

Example: Milton Erickson — an American psychiatrist and psychologist of 20th century — was paralysed when he was young and became a master reader of people body language. Advice: You must master the body language by transforming yourself into a superior reader of men and women. At the same time you must learn how to present the best front and play your role to maximum effect.

Answer 138

Example: Howard Hughes Jr. — an American business magnate, investor, record-setting pilot, engineer, film director, and philanthropist — had a weak character since his childhood. He managed to disguise it in his early career which brought him success. However it manifested later in his life and resulted in many failures including Hughes Aircraft Company. Advice: Train yourself to look deep within people and see their character. Always gravitate toward those who display signs of strength, and avoid the many toxic types out there.

Answer 139

Example: Coco Chanel — a French fashion designer and business woman — became so successful not only because she created great products but because she understood that people desire what they don’t have and created an air of mystery around her work. Advice: Become an elusive object of desire.

Answer 140

Example: The South Sea Company — a British joint-stock company founded in 1711 — became known as the South Sea Bubble. It was obvious that the company can’t succeed long-term but it didn’t stop many people from investing in its shares. Advice: When making decisions think about the near and far future.

Answer 141

Law: People don’t like when someone is trying to change their opinion. Example: Lyndon Johnson — the 36th president of the United States — gained his influence and power by focusing on others, letting them do the talking, letting them be the stars of the show. Advice: Soften people’s resistance by confirming their self-opinion.

Answer 142

Transform yourself into a deep listener. Infect people with the proper mood. Confirm their self-opinion. Allay their insecurities. People think they are good, right, intellegent(or street smart). Dont say something blantantly untrue. Dont flatter a depressive. Use people’s resistance and stubbornness. use the judo of their position and go with the force. agree and make concessions if you have to.

Answer 143

Law: Our attitude determines much of what happens in our life. Example: Anton Chekhov — a Russian playwright and short-story writer — had a tough childhood but in spite of that was able to change his life by changing his view of the world from negative to positive. Advice: Change your circumstances by changing your attitude.

Answer 144

Law: People are rarely who they seem to be. Lurking beneath their polite, affable exterior is inevitably a dark, shadow side consisting of the insecurities and the aggressive, selfish impulses they repress and carefully conceal from public view. Example: Richard Nixon — the 37th president of the United States — always had a positive image in the public. Everything changed after the Watergate scandal which revealed his hidden personality. Advice: Be aware of your own dark side. Control and channel the creative energies that lurk in your unconscious. By integrating the dark side into your personality, you will be a more complete human and will radiate an authenticity that will draw people to you.

Answer 145

Law: People are envious. Example: Mary Shelley — author of the novel Frankenstein — was betrayed by her close friend who envied her. Advice: Learn to deflect envy by drawing attention away from yourself. Develop your sense of self-worth from internal standards and not incessant comparisons.

Answer 146

Law: All of us have masculine and feminine qualities. But in the need to present a consistent identity in society, we tend to repress these qualities, overidentifying with the masculine or feminine role expected of us. Thereby we lose valuable dimensions to our character. Example: Caterina Sforza became an Italian noblewoman and Countess of Forlì and Lady of Imola. Such titles were unusual for women in her time. In the author’s opinion her masculine qualities helped her to achieve this. Advice: You must become aware of these lost masculine or feminine traits and slowly reconnect to them, unleashing creative powers in the process.

Answer 147

Law: We have a side to our character that we are generally unaware of — our social personality, the different person we become when we operate in groups of people. In the group setting, we unconsciously imitate what others are saying and doing. We think differently, more concerned with fitting in and believing what others believe. We feel different emotions, infected by the group mood. We are more prone to taking risks, to acting irrationally, because everyone else is. Example: Gao Yuan tells a story in his book Born Red showed that people in groups behave emotional and excited. They don’t engage in nuanced thinking and deep analysis. Advice: Develop self-awareness and a superior understanding of the changes that occur in us in groups. With such intelligence, we can become superior social actors, able to outwardly fit in and cooperate with others on a high level, while retaining our independence and rationality.

Answer 148

Law: People are always ambivalent about those in power. They want to be led but also to feel free; they want to be protected and enjoy prosperity without making sacrifices; they both worship the king and want to kill him. When you are the leader of a group, people are continually prepared to turn on you the moment you seem weak or experience a setback. Example: Elizabeth I — Queen of England and Ireland in 16th century — had to constantly prove herself as the leader of the country. She never relied on her royal blood for this. Advice: Authority is the delicate art of creating the appearance of power, legitimacy, and fairness while getting people to identify with you as a leader who is in their service. If you want to lead, you must master this art from early on in your life.

Answer 149

Law: On the surface, the people around you appear so polite and civilized. But beneath the mask, they are all inevitably dealing with frustrations. They have a need to influence people and gain power over circumstances. Feeling blocked in their endeavors, they often try to assert themselves in manipulative ways that catch you by surprise. And then there are those whose need for power and impatience to obtain it are greater than others. They turn particularly aggressive, getting their way by intimidating people, being relentless and willing to do almost anything. Example: John D. Rockefeller — American oil industry business magnate — used aggressive strategies to gain power and control. Advice: You must recognize the signs — the past patterns of behavior, the obsessive need to control everything in their environment — that indicate the dangerous types. They depend on making you emotional — afraid, angry — and unable to think straight. Do not give them this power. When it comes to your own aggressive energy, learn to tame and channel it for productive purposes — standing up for yourself, attacking problems with relentless energy, realizing great ambitions.

Answer 150

Law: You are born into a generation that defines who you are more than you can imagine. Your generation wants to separate itself from the previous one and set a new tone for the world. In the process, it forms certain tastes, values, and ways of thinking that you as an individual internalize. As you get older, these generational values and ideas tend to close you off from other points of view, constraining your mind. Example: King Louis XVI of France is shown as an example of someone out of tune with the times. He fell victim to the French revolution when France was declared to be a Republic and abolished the monarchy. He was executed in 1793. Advice: Knowing in depth the spirit of your generation and the times you live in, you will be better able to exploit the zeitgeist. You will be the one to anticipate and set the trends that your generation hungers for. You will free your mind from the mental constraints placed on you by your generation, and you will become more of the individual you imagine yourself to be, with all the power that freedom will bring you.

Answer 151

Law: Most people spend their lives avoiding the thought of death. Example: Mary Flannery O’Connor — an American novelist and short story writer — was diagnosed with systemic lupus erythematosus when she was 27. Her proximity to death was a call to stir herself to action, to feel a sense of urgency, to deepen her religious faith and spark her sense of wonder at all mysteries and uncertainties of life. She used the closeness of death to teach her what really matters and to help her steer clear of the petty squabbles and concerns that plagued others. She used it to anchor herself in the present, to make her appreciate every moment and every encounter. Advice: The inevitability of death should be continually on our minds. Understanding the shortness of life fills us with a sense of purpose and urgency to realize our goals. Training ourselves to confront and accept this reality makes it easier to manage the inevitable setbacks, separations, and crises in life. It gives us a sense of proportion, of what really matters in this brief existence of ours. Most people continually look for ways to separate themselves from others and feel superior. Instead, we must see the mortality in everyone, how it equalizes and connects us all. By becoming deeply aware of our mortality, we intensify our experience of every aspect of life.

Answer 152

Confirmation Bias: I look at the evidence and arrive at my decisions through more or less rational processes. Conviction Bias: I believe in this idea so strongly. It must be true. Appearance Bias: I understand the people I deal with; I see them just as they are. The Group Bias: My ideas are my own. I do not listen to the group. I am not a conformist. The Blame Bias: I learn from my experience and mistakes. Superiority Bias: I’m different. I’m more rational than others, more ethical as well.

Answer 153

You can go in one of two directions: ignorance and denial, or examining yourself as thoroughly as possible. The result of denial is simple: the compulsive behavior and the patterns become even more set into place. The other direction is harder to take, but it is the only path that leads to true power and the formation of a superior character. It works in the following manner: You examine yourself as thoroughly as possible. You look at the deepest layers of your character, determining whether you are an introvert or extrovert, whether you tend to be governed by high levels of anxiety and sensitivity, or hostility and anger, or a profound need to engage with people. You look at your primal inclinations—those subjects and activities you are naturally drawn to. You examine the quality of attachments you formed with your parents, looking at your current relationships as the best sign of this. You look with rigorous honesty at your own mistakes and the patterns that continually hold you back. You know your limitations—those situations in which you do not do your best. You also become aware of the natural strengths in your character that have survived past adolescence. Now, with this awareness, you are no longer the captive of your character, compelled to endlessly repeat the same strategies and mistakes. As you see yourself falling into one of your usual patterns, you can catch yourself in time and step back. You may not be able to completely eliminate such patterns, but with practice you can mitigate their effects. Knowing your limitations, you will not try your hand at things for which you have no capacity or inclination. Finally, you need to also refine or cultivate those traits that go into a strong character—resilience under pressure, attention to detail, the ability to complete things, to work with a team, to be tolerant of people’s differences. The only way to do so is to work on your habits, which go into the slow formation of your character. For instance, you train yourself to not react in the moment by repeatedly placing yourself in stressful or adverse situations in order to get used to them.

Answer 154

Absence and presence have very primal effects upon us. Too much presence suffocates; a degree of absence spurs our interest. We are marked by the continual desire to possess what we do not have—the object projected by our fantasies. Learn to create some mystery around you, to use strategic absence to make people desire your return, to want to possess you. Dangle in front of others what they are missing most in life, what they are forbidden to have, and they will go crazy with desire. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Overcome this weakness in yourself by embracing your circumstances, your fate.

Answer 155

Instead of focusing on what you want and covet in the world, you must train yourself to focus on others, on their repressed desires and unmet fantasies. People do not want truth and honesty, no matter how much we hear such nonsense endlessly repeated. They want their imaginations to be stimulated and to be taken beyond their banal circumstances. They want fantasy and objects of desire to covet and grope after. Create an air of mystery around you and your work. Associate it with something new, unfamiliar, exotic, progressive, and taboo. Do not define your message but leave it vague. Create an illusion of ubiquity—your object is seen everywhere and desired by others.

Answer 156

By nature, we humans are not easily contented with our circumstances. By some perverse force within us, the moment we possess something or get what we want, our minds begin to drift toward something new and different, to imagine we can have better. More and more people have come to believe that others should simply desire them for who they are. This means revealing as much as they can about themselves, exposing all of their likes and dislikes, and making themselves as familiar as possible. They leave no room for imagination or fantasy. Understand: People may point to all of this as evidence that we humans are becoming more honest and truthful, but human nature does not change within a few generations. People have become more obvious and forthright not out of some deep moral calling but out of increasing self-absorption and overall laziness. It requires no effort to simply be oneself or to blast one’s message. Do not swallow the easy moralism of the day, which urges honesty at the expense of desirability. Go in the opposite direction. With so few people out there who understand the art of desirability, it affords you endless opportunities to shine and exploit people’s repressed fantasies.

Answer 157

Know how and when to withdraw. Your presence should have a bit of coldness to it, as if you could do without others. Add to this a bit of blankness and amiguity as to who you are. Your opinions, values, and tastes are never too obvious to people. With the work you produce you can create similar covetous effects. Always leave the presentation and the message relatively open-ended. Create rivalries of desire. If you can somehow create the impression that others desire you or your work, you will pull people into your current without having to say a word or impose yourself. Use induction. Associate your object with something ever so slightly illicit, unconventional, or politically advanced. Incorporate desire by giving the impression you are revealing secrets that should really not be shared. It is not possession but desire that secretly impels people.

Answer 158

In general, do not constantly wait and hope for something better, but rather make the most of what you have. In the end what you really must covet is a deeper relationship to reality, which will bring you calmness, focus, and practical powers to alter what it is possible to alter.

Answer 159

t is in the animal part of your nature to be most impressed by what you can see and hear in the present—the latest news reports and trends, the opinions and actions of the people around you, whatever seems the most dramatic. Learn to measure people by the narrowness or breadth of their vision; avoid entangling yourself with those who cannot see the consequences of their actions, who are in a continual reactive mode. They will infect you with this energy. Your eyes must be on the larger trends that govern events, on that which is not immediately visible. Never lose sight of your long-term goals. With an elevated perspective, you will have the patience and clarity to reach almost any objective.

Answer 160

First, facing a problem, conflict, or some exciting opportunity, we train ourselves to detach from the heat of the moment. Next, we start to deepen and widen our perspective. In considering the nature of the problem we are confronting, we don’t just grab for an immediate explanation, but instead we dig deeper and consider other possibilities, other possible motivations for the people involved. We force ourselves to look at the overall context of the event, not just what immediately grabs our attention. We imagine as best we can the negative consequences of the various strategies we are contemplating.

Answer 161

Unintended consequences. In any group or team, put at least one person in charge of gaming out all of the possible consequences of a strategy or line of action, preferably someone with a skeptical and prudent frame of mind. 2. Tactical hell. You find yourself embroiled in several struggles or battles. You have actually lost sight of your long-term goals, what you’re really fighting for. Instead it has become a question of asserting your ego and proving you are right. The only solution is to back out temporarily or permanently from these battles, particularly if they are occurring on several fronts. You need some detachment and perspective. Win through your actions, not your words. Start to think again about your long-term goals. Create a ladder of values and priorities in your life, reminding yourself of what really matters to you. In life as in warfare, strategists will always prevail over tacticians. 3. Ticker tape fever. When we face any kind of problem or obstacle, we must make an effort to slow things down and step back, wait a day or two before taking action. Second, when faced with issues that are important, we must have a clear sense of our long-term goals and how to attain them. 4. Lost in trivia. You feel overwhelmed by the complexity of your work. You feel the need to be on top of all the details and global trends so you can control things better, but you are drowning in information. What you need is a mental filtering system based on a scale of priorities and your long-term goals. Knowing what you want to accomplish in the end will help you weed out the essential from the nonessential.

Answer 162

Your task as a student of human nature, and someone aspiring to reach the greater potential of the human animal, is to widen your relationship to time as much as possible, and slow it down. This means you do not see the passage of time as an enemy but rather as a great ally. In relation to the future, you think deeply about your long-term goals. They are not vague dreams but concrete objectives, and you have mapped out a path to reach them. You know what you like and dislike, you know who you are. This will help you maintain your self-love, which is so critical in resisting the descent into deep narcissism and in helping you to develop empathy. "The years teach much which the days never know." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Answer 163

Life is harsh and people competitive. We naturally must look after our own interests. We also want to feel that we are independent, doing our own bidding. That is why when others try to persuade or change us, we become defensive and resistant. That is why to get people to move from their defensive positions you must always make it seem like what they are doing is of their own free will. Creating a feeling of mutual warmth helps soften people’s resistance and makes them want to help. Never attack people for their beliefs or make them feel insecure about their intelligence or goodness—that will only strengthen their defensiveness and make your task impossible. Make them feel that by doing what you want they are being noble and altruistic - the ultimate lure. Learn to tame your own stubborn nature and free your mind from its defensive and closed positions, unleashing your creative powers.

Answer 164

Understand: Influence over people and the power that it brings are gained in the opposite way from what you might imagine. Normally we try to charm people with our own ideas, showing ourselves off in the best light. The road to influence and power is to go in the opposite direction: Put the focus on others. Let them do the talking. Let them be the stars of the show. Their opinions and values are worth emulating. Keys to Human Nature The key to influencing people is that they feel inwardly secure–not judged but accepted by friends, the group, or the loved one. Understand: creating this feeling of validation is the golden key that will unlock people’s defenses. People have a perception about themselves that we shall call their self-opinion. This self-opinion can be accurate or not—it doesn’t matter. What matters is how people perceive their own character and worthiness. And there are three qualities to people’s self-opinion that are nearly universal: “I am autonomous, acting of my own free will”; “I am intelligent in my own way”; and “I am basically good and decent.” To convince people of something, actively confirm their self-opinion. In this case you are fulfilling one of people’s greatest emotional needs. We can imagine that we are independent, intelligent, decent, and self-reliant, but only other people can truly confirm this for us. Your task is simple: instill in people a feeling of inner security. Mirror their values; show that you like and respect them. Make them feel you appreciate their wisdom and experience. Generate an atmosphere of mutual warmth. Get them to laugh along with you, instilling a feeling of rapport. All of this works best if the feelings are not completely faked.

Answer 165

1. Transform yourself into a deep listener. Imagine every person you encounter as someone who is full of undiscovered surprises. Seek to discover them. 2. Infect people with the proper mood. If you are relaxed, happy, and anticipating a pleasurable experience, others will sense and mirror this. 3. Confirm their self-opinion. Allow people to convince you of their point, and ask them for advice. They will be more open to future changes. Inspire them with a greater cause. Remind them of the good things they have done in the past. They will want to confirm those actions (“I am generous”). 4. Allay their insecurities. Praise and flatter the qualities people are most insecure about. Praise for effort instead of talent. 5. Use people’s resistance and stubbornness. For those who are difficult to influence, channel their strong emotions in a productive direction, use their language, and agree with their hard positions–they may seek to rebel.

Answer 166

When it comes to the ideas and opinions you hold, see them as toys or building blocks that you are playing with. Some you will keep, others you will knock down, but your spirit remains flexible and playful. When it comes to your own self-opinion, try to have some ironic distance from it. Make yourself aware of its existence and how it operates within you. Come to terms with the fact that you are not as free and autonomous as you like to believe.

Answer 167

People are rarely who they seem to be. Lurking beneath their polite, affable exterior is inevitably a dark, shadow side consisting of the insecurities and the aggressive, selfish impulses they repress and carefully conceal from public view. This dark side leaks out in behavior that will baffle and harm you. Learn to recognize the signs of the Shadow before they become toxic. See people’s overt traits—toughness, saintliness, et cetera—as covering up the opposite quality. You must become aware of your own dark side. In being conscious of it you can control and channel the creative energies that lurk in your unconscious. By integrating the dark side into your personality, you will be a more complete human and will radiate an authenticity that will draw people to you.

Answer 168

Your task as a student of human nature is to recognize and examine the dark side of your character. Once subjected to conscious scrutiny, it loses its destructive power. It might seem that only those who project continual strength and saintliness can become successful, but that is not at all the case. By playing a role to such an extent, by straining to live up to ideals that are not real, you will emit a phoniness that others pick up. Most of us succeed in becoming a positive social animal, but at a price. We end up missing the intensity that we experienced in childhood, the full gamut of emotions, and even the creativity that came with this wilder energy. The Shadow wants to release some of the inner tension and come back to life. The following are some of the most notable signs of such release. Contradictory behavior. Emotional outbursts. Vehement denial. “Accidental” behavior. Overidealization. Projection: This is by far the most common way of dealing with our Shadow, because it offers almost daily release. We cannot admit to ourselves certain desires—for sex, for money, for power, for superiority in some area—and so instead we project those desires onto others.

Answer 169

As a student of human nature, you must understand the reality: the emphatic trait generally rests on top of the opposite trait, distracting and concealing it from public view. The following are seven of the most emphatic traits that you must learn to recognize and manage appropriately: The Tough Guy: He projects a rough masculinity that is intended to intimidate. The Saint: These people are paragons of goodness and purity. They support the best and most progressive causes. To distinguish between the real and the fake, ignore their words and the aura they project, focusing on their deeds and the details of their life. The Fanatic: You are impressed by their fervour, in support of whatever cause. But at the key moment when they could possibly deliver what they have promised, they unexpectedly slip up. The Rigid Rationalist: All of us have irrational tendencies. True rationality should be sober and skeptical about its own power and not publicize itself. The Snob: These types have a tremendous need to be different from others, to assert some form of superiority over the mass of mankind.

Answer 170

The Extreme Entrepreneur: At first glance these types seem to possess very positive qualities, especially for work. They maintain very high standards and pay exceptional attention to detail. They are willing to do much of the work themselves. If mixed with talent, this often leads to success early on in life. But underneath the façade the seeds of failure are taking root. This first appears in their inability to listen to others. They cannot take advice. They need no one. Often their outward show of self-reliance disguises a hidden desire to have others take care of them, to regress to the dependency of childhood.

Answer 171

We humans are naturally compelled to compare ourselves with one another. We are continually measuring people’s status, the levels of respect and attention they receive, and noticing any differences between what we have and what they have. For some of us, this need to compare serves as a spur to excel through our work. For others, it can turn into deep envy—feelings of inferiority and frustration that lead to covert attacks and sabotage. Nobody admits to acting out of envy. You must recognize the early warning signs—praise and bids for friendship that seem effusive and out of proportion; subtle digs at you under the guise of good-natured humor; apparent uneasiness with your success. It is most likely to crop up among friends or your peers in the same profession. Learn to deflect envy by drawing attention away from yourself. Develop your sense of self-worth from internal standards and not incessant comparisons. Fatal Friends Understand: Envy occurs most commonly and painfully among friends. Keys to Human Nature Your task as a student of human nature is to transform yourself into a master decoder of envy.

Answer 172

You want to look for combinations or repetitions of the following signs, a pattern, before moving to alert mode. Microexpressions. Tell suspected enviers some good news about yourself—a promotion, a new and exciting love interest, a book contract. You will notice a very quick expression of disappointment. Equally, tell them some misfortune of yours and notice the uncontrollable microexpression of joy in your pain, what is commonly known as schadenfreude. Poisonous praise. Backbiting. Gossip is a frequent cover for envy, a convenient way to vent it by sharing malicious rumours and stories. The push and pull. Criticism of you that seems sincere but not directly related to anything you have actually done is usually a strong sign of envy.

Answer 173

The following are five common varieties of enviers, how they tend to disguise themselves, and their particular forms of attack. The Leveler. When you first meet them, levelers can seem rather entertaining and interesting. They tend to have a wicked sense of humor. They are good at putting down those who are powerful and deflating the pretentious. But where they differ from people with genuine empathy for underdogs is that levelers cannot recognize or appreciate excellence in almost anyone, except those who are dead. They have fragile egos. The Self-Entitled Slacker. In the world today many people rightfully feel entitled to have success and the good things in life, but they usually understand that this will require sacrifice and hard work. Some people, however, feel they deserve attention and many rewards in life as if these are naturally due to them. Be extra careful in the work environment with those who like to maintain their position through charm and being political, rather than by getting things done. The Status Fiend. As social animals we humans are very sensitive to our rank and position within any group. You will notice such fiends by the questions they ask about how much money you make, whether you own your home, what kind of neighborhood it’s in, whether you occasionally fly business class, and all of the other petty things that they can use as points of comparison. The Attacher. In any court-like environment of power, you will inevitably find people who are drawn to those who are successful or powerful, not out of admiration but out of secret envy. They find a way to attach themselves as friends or assistants. These types have a trait that is quite common to all enviers: they lack a clear sense of purpose in their life. The Insecure Master. For some people, reaching a high position validates their self-opinion and boosts their self-esteem. But there are some who are more anxious. Holding a high position tends to increase their insecurities, which they are careful to conceal. Pay attention to those above you for signs of insecurity and envy. They will inevitably have a track record of firing people for strange reasons.

Answer 174

Envy Triggers The most common trigger is a sudden change in your status, which alters your relationship to friends and peers. The best you can do in such situations is to have some self-deprecating humour and to not rub people’s faces in your success, which, after all, might contain some elements of luck. Beyond Envy What we must aspire to is to slowly transform our comparing inclination into something positive, productive, and prosocial. The following are five simple exercises to help you in achieving this.

Answer 175

Engage in downward comparisons. You normally focus on those who seem to have more than you, but it would be wiser to look at those who have less. This should stimulate not only empathy for the many who have less but also greater gratitude for what you actually possess. Such gratitude is the best antidote to envy. Practice Mitfreude. Instead of merely congratulating people on their good fortune, something easy to do and easily forgotten, you must instead actively try to feel their joy, as a form of empathy. Transmute envy into emulation. Instead of wanting to hurt or steal from the person who has achieved more, we should desire to raise ourselves up to his or her level. Having a sense of purpose, a feel for your calling in life, is a great way to immunize yourself against envy. You are focused on your own life and plans, which are clear and invigorating. Admire human greatness. It is worth cultivating moments in life in which we feel immense satisfaction and happiness divorced from our own success or achievements. This happens commonly when we find ourselves in a beautiful landscape—the mountains, the sea, a forest. We do not feel the prying, comparing eyes of others, the need to have more attention or to assert ourselves. We are simply in awe of what we see, and it is intensely therapeutic.

Answer 176

We humans have a deep need to think highly of ourselves. If that opinion of our goodness, greatness, and brilliance diverges enough from reality, we become grandiose. We imagine our superiority. Often a small measure of success will elevate our natural grandiosity to even more dangerous levels. Our high self-opinion has now been confirmed by events. We forget the role that luck may have played in the success, or the contributions of others. Losing contact with reality, we make irrational decisions. That is why our success often does not last. Look for the signs of elevated grandiosity in yourself and in others—overbearing certainty in the positive outcome of your plans; excessive touchiness if criticized; a disdain for any form of authority. Counteract the pull of grandiosity by maintaining a realistic assessment of yourself and your limits. Tie any feelings of greatness to your work, your achievements, and your contributions to society. The Success Delusion Understand: Any success that we have in life inevitably depends on some good luck, timing, the contributions of others, the teachers who helped us along the way, the whims of the public in need of something new. Our tendency is to forget all of this and imagine that any success stems from our superior self. Your task is the following: After any kind of success, analyze the components. See the element of luck that is inevitably there, as well as the role that other people, including mentors, played in your good fortune. This will neutralize the tendency to inflate your powers. Remind yourself that with success comes complacency, as attention becomes more important than the work and old strategies are repeated.

Answer 177

You must see the signs of the disease in yourself and learn not only how to control your grandiose tendencies but also how to channel this energy into something productive. We find increasing numbers of people who have little or no respect for authority or experts of any kind, no matter the experts’ level of training and experience, which they themselves lack. Technology gives us the impression that everything in life can be as fast and simple as the information we can glean online. You can measure the levels of grandiosity in people in several simple ways. For instance, notice how people respond to criticism of them or their work. If people are successful, notice how they act in more private moments. Are they able to relax and laugh at themselves, letting go of their public mask, or have they so overidentified with their powerful public image that it carries over into their private life? Grandiose people are generally big talkers. Higher grandiose types generally display low levels of empathy. They are not good listeners.

Answer 178

The following are six common illusions they like to create. I am destined. Grandiose leaders often try to give the impression that they were somehow destined for greatness. I’m the common man/woman. In some cases grandiose leaders may have risen from the lower classes, but in general they either come from relatively privileged backgrounds or because of their success have lived removed from the cares of everyday people for quite some time. The trick grandiose leaders play is to place the emphasis on their cultural tastes, not on the actual class they come from. I rewrite the rules. Grandiose leaders will often rely on their intuitions, disregarding the need for focus groups or any form of scientific feedback. I have the golden touch. Will try to create the legend that they have never really failed. If there were failures or setbacks in their career, it was always the fault of others who betrayed them. Related to this is the belief that they can easily transfer their skills—a movie executive can become a theme park designer, a businessman can become the leader of a nation. I’m invulnerable. Practical Grandiosity The problem is not with the energy itself, which can be used to fuel our ambitions, but with the direction it takes. Although the precise way to channel the energy will depend on your field and skill level, the following are five basic principles that are essential for attaining the high level of fulfillment that can come from this reality-based form of grandiosity.

Answer 179

You must admit to yourself that you do want to feel important and be the center of attention. Concentrate the energy. You want to get into the habit of focusing deeply and completely on a single project or problem. You will want to break this down into mini steps and goals along the way. You want the goal to be relatively simple to reach, and within a time frame of months and not years. Your objective here is to enter a state of flow. Maintain a dialogue with reality. Now you must actively search for feedback and criticism from people you respect or from your natural audience. Seek out calibrated challenges. Your goal with practical grandiosity is to continually look for challenges just above your skill level. Let loose your grandiose energy. Once you have tamed this energy, made it serve your ambitions and goals, you should feel safe to let it loose upon occasion. What this means is that you occasionally allow yourself to entertain ideas or projects that represent greater challenges than you have considered in the past.

Answer 180

All of us have masculine and feminine qualities—some of this is genetic, and some of it comes from the profound influence of the parent of the opposite sex. But in the need to present a consistent identity in society, we tend to repress these qualities, overidentifying with the masculine or feminine role expected of us. And we pay a price for this. We lose valuable dimensions to our character. You must become aware of these lost masculine or feminine traits and slowly reconnect to them, unleashing creative powers in the process. You will become more fluid in your thinking. The Authentic Gender Understand: Your task is to let go of the rigidity that takes hold of you as you overidentify with the expected gender role. Power lies in exploring that middle range between the masculine and the feminine, in playing against people’s expectations. Keys to Human Nature Your third task is to look inward, to see those feminine or masculine qualities that are repressed and undeveloped within you. You will catch glimpses of your anima or animus in your relationships with the opposite sex. That assertiveness you desire to see in a man, or empathy in a woman, is something you need to develop within yourself, bringing out that feminine or masculine undertone.

Answer 181

Below you will find six of the more common types of gender projections. You must use this knowledge in three ways: First, you must recognize in yourself any tendency toward one of these forms of projection. This will help you understand something profound about your earliest years and make it much easier for you to withdraw your projections on other people. Second, you must use this as an invaluable tool for gaining access to the unconscious of other people, to seeing their anima and animus in action. And finally, you must be attentive to how others will project onto you their needs and fantasies. The Devilish Romantic: For the woman in this scenario, the man who fascinates her—often older and successful—might seem like a rake, the type who cannot help but chase after young women. But he is also romantic. But somehow he is not as strong, masculine, or romantic as she had imagined. He is a bit self-absorbed. The Elusive Woman of Perfection: He thinks he has found the ideal woman. She will give him what he’s been missing in his prior relationships, whether that’s some wildness, some comfort and compassion, or a creative spark. Although he has had few actual encounters with the woman in question, he can imagine all kinds of positive experiences with her. What they really need is to find and interact with a real woman, accept her inevitable flaws, and give more of themselves. The Lovable Rebel: For the woman who is drawn to this type, the man who intrigues her has a noticeable disdain for authority. He is a nonconformist. Unlike the Devilish Romantic, this man will often be young and not so successful. If a relationship does ensue, however, she will see a totally different side to him. He can’t hold down a good job, not because he’s a rebel but because he’s lazy and ineffectual. The Fallen Woman: To the man in question, the woman who fascinates him seems so different from those he has known. Perhaps she comes from a different culture or social class. Men of this type often had strong mother figures in their childhood. They became good, obedient boys, excellent students at school. Consciously they are attracted to well-educated women, to those who seem good and perfect. But unconsciously they are drawn to women who are imperfect, bad, of dubious character. They project onto such women weakness and vulnerability. Men who engage in this kind of projection need to develop the less conventional sides of their character. They need to move outside their comfort zone and try new experiences on their own. They require more challenges, and even a bit of danger that will help loosen them up. Perhaps they need to take more risks at work. They also need to develop the more physical and sensual side of their character. The Superior Man: He seems brilliant, skilled, strong, and stable. He radiates confidence and power. He could be a high-powered businessman, a professor, an artist, a guru. The Woman to Worship Him: He’s driven and ambitious, but his life is hard. It’s a harsh, unforgiving world out there, and it’s not easy to find any comfort. He feels something missing in his life. Then along comes a woman who is attentive to him, warm, and engaging. She seems to admire him. He feels overwhelmingly drawn to her and her energy. He tends to drive himself too hard. He must learn to comfort and soothe himself, to with The Original Man/Woman Understand: The return to your original nature contains elemental power. By relating more to the natural feminine or masculine parts within you, you will unleash energy that has been repressed; your mind will recover its natural fluidity; you will understand and relate better to those of the opposite sex; and by ridding yourself of the defensiveness you have in relation to your gender role, you will feel secure in who you are. But what is truly needed in the modern world is to see the masculine and the feminine as completely equal in potential reasoning power and strength of action, but in different ways.

Answer 182

Masculine thinking tends toward focusing on what separates phenomena from one another and categorizing them. It looks for contrasts between things to better label them. It wants to take things apart, like a machine, and analyze the separate parts that go into the whole. Its thought process is linear, figuring out the sequence of steps that goes into an event. The masculine way of thinking tends to prefer specialization, to dig deep into something specific. Feminine thinking orients itself differently. It likes to focus on the whole, how the parts connect to one another, the overall gestalt. In looking at a group of people, it wants to see how they relate to one another. As opposed to specialization, it is more interested in how different fields or forms of knowledge can connect to one another. Almost all people will lean more toward one style of thinking. What you want for yourself is to create balance by leaning more in the other direction.

Answer 183

When it comes to taking action, the masculine tendency is to move forward, explore the situation, attack, and vanquish. When confronted with a problem or the need to take action, the feminine style often prefers to first withdraw from the immediate situation and contemplate more deeply the options. For those with the aggressive, masculine inclination, balance would come from training yourself to step back before taking any action. For those with the feminine style, it is best to accustom yourself to various degrees of conflict and confrontation, so that any avoidance of it is strategic and not out of fear.

Answer 184

In general, men will overestimate their abilities and display confidence in their skills that are often not warranted by circumstances. For women, it is the opposite: When there is failure, they tend to blame themselves and look inward. If there is success, they are more prone to look at the role of others in helping them. For those with the masculine style, when it comes to learning and improving yourself, it is best to reverse the order—to look inward when you make mistakes and to look outward when you have success. Weakness comes from the inability to ask questions and to learn. Lower your self-opinion. You are not as great or skilled as you imagine. This will spur you to actually improve yourself.

Answer 185

The masculine style is to require a leader, and to either aspire to that role or gain power by being the most loyal follower. The feminine style is more about maintaining the group spirit and keeping the relationships smoothed out, with fewer differences among individuals. For those with the masculine style, it is important to enlarge your concept of leadership. Some of the greatest male leaders in history, however, managed to retain and develop their empathy.

Answer 186

Unlike animals, with their instincts to guide them past dangers, we humans have to rely upon our conscious decisions. We do the best we can when it comes to our career path and handling the inevitable setbacks in life. But in the back of our minds we can sense an overall lack of direction, as we are pulled this way and that way by our moods and by the opinions of others. How did we end up in this job, in this place? Such drifting can lead to dead ends. The way to avoid such a fate is to develop a sense of purpose, discovering our calling in life and using such knowledge to guide us in our decisions. We come to know ourselves more deeply—our tastes and inclinations. We trust ourselves, knowing which battles and detours to avoid. Even our moments of doubt, even our failures have a purpose—to toughen us up. With such energy and direction, our actions have unstoppable force.

Answer 187

The moments in which we feel clarity and purpose are fleeting. To soothe the pain from our aimlessness, we might enmesh ourselves in various addictions, pursue new forms of pleasure, or give ourselves over to some cause that interests us for a few months or weeks. The only solution to the dilemma is King’s solution—to find a higher sense of purpose, a mission that will provide us our own direction, not that of our parents, friends, or peers. This mission is intimately connected to our individuality, to what makes us unique.

Answer 188

Both paths, however, tend to lead to some problems further down the road. In the first case, trying so many things out, we never really develop solid skills in one particular area. In the second case, the career we committed to in our twenties might begin to feel a bit lifeless in our thirties. We chose it for practical purposes, and it has little connection to what actually interests us in life. Understand: This feeling of being lost and confused is not anyone’s fault. It is a natural reaction to having been born into times of great change and chaos. Each human individual is radically unique. This uniqueness is inscribed in us in three ways—the one-of-a-kind configuration of our DNA, the particular way our brains are wired, and our experiences as we go through life, experiences that are unlike any other’s. To tap into the guidance system, we must make the connection to our uniqueness as strong as possible, and learn to trust that voice. We can say something similar about your life: operating with a high sense of purpose is a force multiplier. All of your decisions and actions have greater power behind them because they are guided by a central idea and purpose. Your task as a student of human nature is twofold: First, you must become aware of the primary role that a sense of purpose plays in human life. Your second task is to find your sense of purpose and elevate it by making the connection to it as deep as possible.

Answer 189

Here are five of the most common forms of false purposes that have appealed to humans since the beginning of civilization. The pursuit of pleasure. Causes and cults. Money and success. In the long run this philosophy often yields the most impractical of results. Concentrate on maintaining a high sense of purpose, and the success will flow to you naturally. Attention. As with money and success, we have a much greater chance of attracting attention by developing a high sense of purpose and creating work that will naturally draw people to it. Cynicism.

Answer 190

We have a side to our character that we are generally unaware of—our social personality, the different person we become when we operate in groups of people. In the group setting, we unconsciously imitate what others are saying and doing. We think differently, more concerned with fitting in and believing what others believe. We feel different emotions, infected by the group mood. We are more prone to taking risks, to acting irrationally, because everyone else is. This social personality can come to dominate who we are. Listening so much to others and conforming our behavior to them, we slowly lose a sense of our uniqueness and the ability to think for ourselves. The only solution is to develop self-awareness and a superior understanding of the changes that occur in us in groups. With such intelligence, we can become superior social actors, able to outwardly fit in and cooperate with others on a high level, while retaining our independence and rationality.

Answer 191

We inevitably feel the need for status and recognition, so let’s not deny it. Instead, let’s cultivate such status and recognition through our excellent work. We must accept our need to belong to the group and prove our loyalty, but let’s do it in more positive ways—by questioning group decisions that will harm it in the long run, by supplying divergent opinions, by steering the group in a more rational direction, gently and strategically. Let’s use the viral nature of emotions in the group but play on a different set of emotions: by staying calm and patient, by focusing on results and cooperating with others to get practical things done, we can begin to spread this spirit throughout the group.

Answer 192

The desire to fit in. In the long run, it is much better to confront your conformity to the group ethos, so that you can become aware of it as it happens and control the process to some degree. The need to perform. In the group setting, we are always performing. Emotional contagion. Certain emotions are more contagious than others, anxiety and fear being the strongest of all. Hypercertainty. Whenever you feel unusually certain and excited about a plan or idea, you must step back and gauge whether it is a viral group effect operating on you.

Answer 193

Group culture. Better to be aware and realize that the larger the group and the more established the culture over time, the more likely it will control you than the other way around. Group rules and codes. When you are new to a group, you must pay extra attention to these tacit codes. The group court. Learn to downplay your successes, to listen (or seem to listen) deeply to the ideas of others, strategically giving them credit and praise in meetings, paying attention to their insecurities. Group factions.

Answer 194

First, you must become a consummate observer of yourself as you interact with groups of any size. Your goal must be to lower your permeability by raising your self-esteem. If you feel strong and confident about what makes you unique—your tastes, your values, your own experience—you can more easily resist the group effect.

Answer 195

The Intriguer: These individuals can be particularly difficult to recognize. They seem intensely loyal to the boss and to the group. No one works harder or is more ruthlessly efficient. Behind the scenes they are continually intriguing to amass more power. The Stirrer: This type is generally riddled with insecurities but adept at disguising them from those in the court. If a rebellion of some sort suddenly erupts within the court, you can be sure they had a finger in it. The Gatekeeper: The goal of the game for these types is gaining exclusive access to leaders, monopolizing the flow of information to them. Recognize them early on by their shameless sycophancy toward the boss. The Shadow Enabler: These people enable others (usually leaders) to act on their Shadow impulses. They often serve as the fall guy if what they advocated, or acted on, becomes public. Maintain a polite distance. The Court Jester: These types fall into such roles because secretly they have a fear of responsibility and a dread of failing. Never take their existence as a sign that you can freely imitate their behavior. The Mirrorer: These types are often among the most successful courtiers of all, because they are capable of playing the double game to the hilt—they are adept at charming leaders and fellow courtiers, maintaining a broad base of support. This is a role you might want to consider playing in the court because of the power it brings, but to pull it off you will have to be a great reader of people, sensitive to their nonverbal cues. The Favorite and the Punching Bag: These two types occupy the highest and lowest rungs of the court. Try to avoid being lured into taking this position. Make your power dependent on your accomplishments and your usefulness, not on the friendly feelings people have for you. Within the ruthless environment of the court, try to befriend the Punching Bag, showing a different way of behaving and taking the fun out of this cruel game.

Answer 196

The Reality Group What creates a functional, healthy dynamic is the ability of the group to maintain a tight relationship to reality. The healthy group puts primary emphasis on the work itself, on getting the most out of its resources and adapting to all of the inevitable changes. Not wasting time on endless political games, such a group can accomplish ten times more than the dysfunctional variety. The following are five key strategies for achieving this, all of which should be put into practice. Instill a collective sense of purpose. This purpose is not vague or implied but clearly stated and publicized. Assemble the right team of lieutenants. You do not base your selection on people’s charm, and never hire friends. You select for this team people who have skills that you lack, each individual with their particular strengths. You also want this team of lieutenants to be diverse in temperament, background, and ideas. Let information and ideas flow freely. To achieve this, you want to encourage frank discussion up and down the line, with members trusting that they can do so. You listen to your foot soldiers. Extend this open communication to the ability for the group to criticize itself and its performance, particularly after any mistakes or failures. Infect the group with productive emotions. As part of this strategy, always keep the group focused on completing concrete tasks, which will naturally ground and calm them. Infect the group with a sense of resolution that emanates from you. You are not upset by setbacks; you keep advancing and working on problems. You are persistent. Periodically change up routines, surprise the group with something new or challenging. Most important, showing a lack of fear and an overall openness to new ideas will have the most therapeutic effect of all. Forge a battle-tested group. Give various members some relatively challenging tasks or shorter deadlines than usual, and see how they respond. In the end, you want a group that has been through a few wars, dealt with them reasonably well, and now is battle-tested. They do not wilt at the sign of new obstacles and in fact welcome them.

Answer 197

Although styles of leadership change with the times, one constant remains: people are always ambivalent about those in power. They want to be led but also to feel free; they want to be protected and enjoy prosperity without making sacrifices. When you are the leader of a group, people are continually prepared to turn on you the moment you seem weak or experience a setback. Do not succumb to the prejudices of the times, imagining that what you need to do to gain their loyalty is to seem to be their equal or their friend; people will doubt your strength, become suspicious of your motives, and respond with hidden contempt. Authority is the delicate art of creating the appearance of power, legitimacy, and fairness while getting people to identify with you as a leader who is in their service. If you want to lead, you must master this art from early on in your life. Once you have gained people’s trust, they will stand by you as their leader, no matter the bad circumstances.

Answer 198

Understand: Whatever the cause, it infects all of us, and we must see this sense of entitlement as a curse. It makes us ignore the reality—people have no inherent reason to trust or respect us just because of who we are. It makes us lazy and contented with the slightest idea or the first draft of our work. Keys to Human Nature First and foremost, we must understand the fundamental task of any leader—to provide a far-reaching vision, to see the global picture, to work for the greater good of the group and maintain its unity. We have to avoid ever seeming petty, self-serving, or indecisive. Based on this vision, we must set practical goals and guide the group toward them. At the same time, however, we must see leadership as a dynamic relationship we have with those being led. We have to understand that our slightest gesture has an unconscious effect on individuals. And so we must pay great attention to our attitude, to the tone that we set. We need to attune ourselves to the shifting moods of the members of the group. This empathy, however, must never mean becoming needlessly soft and pliant to the group’s will. First, you must make yourself a consummate observer of the phenomenon of authority, using as a measuring device the degree of influence people wield without the use of force or motivational speeches.

Answer 199

You want to determine the source of their authority or lack of it. You want to discern moments when their authority waxes or wanes, and figure out why. You want to develop some of the habits and strategies (see the next section) that will serve you well in projecting authority. You must not fall for the counterproductive prejudices of the times we live in, in which the very concept of authority is often misunderstood and despised. This disdain for authority and leadership has filtered its way throughout our culture. We no longer recognize authority in the arts. Everyone is a legitimate critic, and standards should be personal—nobody’s taste or judgment should be seen as superior. All of these ideas and values have unintended consequences. Without authority in the arts, there is nothing to rebel against, no prior movement to overturn, no deep thinking to assimilate and later even reject. There is only an amorphous world of trends that flicker away with increasing speed. Without parents as authority figures, we cannot go through the critical stage of rebellion in adolescence, in which we reject their ideas and discover our own identity. We grow up lost, constantly searching outside ourselves for that identity. Without teachers and masters whom we acknowledge as superior and worthy of respect, we cannot learn from their experience and wisdom, perhaps even seeking later on to surpass them with new and better ideas.

Answer 200

Find your authority style: Authenticity. Another archetype would be the Founder. These are the ones who establish a new order in politics or business. They generally have a keen sense of trends and a great aversion to the status quo. They are unconventional and independent minded. Their greatest joy is to tinker and invent something new. Focus outwardly: the Attitude. First, you hone your listening skills, absorbing yourself in the words and nonverbal cues of others. Second, you dedicate yourself to earning people’s respect. You earn their respect by respecting their individual needs and by proving that you are working for the greater good. Third, you consider being a leader a tremendous responsibility, the welfare of the group hanging on your every decision. What drives you is not getting attention but bringing about the best results possible for the most people.

Answer 201

As early in life as possible, you train yourself to disconnect from the emotions roiling the group. You force yourself to raise your vision, to imagine the larger picture. Once you have your vision, you then slowly work backward to the present, creating a reasonable and flexible way to reach your goal. As the leader, you must be seen working as hard as or even harder than everyone else. You set the highest standards for yourself. You are consistent and accountable. If there are sacrifices that need to be made, you are the first to make them for the good of the group.

Answer 202

Lead from the front: the Tone. Begin this early on in your career by developing the highest possible standards for your own work. Stir conflicting emotions: the Aura. Learn to balance presence and absence. If you are too present and familiar, always available and visible, you seem too banal. Keep in mind that talking too much is a type of overpresence that grates and reveals weakness. Silence is a form of absence and withdrawal that draws attention; it spells self-control and power; when you do talk, it has a greater effect. Never appear to take, always to give: the Taboo. You must avoid overpromising to people. Rejuvenate your authority: Adaptability.

Answer 203

You have a responsibility to contribute to the culture and times you live in. To serve this higher purpose, you must cultivate what is unique about you. Work every day on improving those skills that mesh with your unique spirit and purpose. In a world full of endless distractions, you must focus and prioritize. You must adhere to the highest standards in your work. To maintain such standards, you must develop self-discipline and the proper work habits. You must pay great attention to the details in your work and place a premium value on effort. Keep in mind that your life is short, that it could end any day. You must have a sense of urgency to make the most of this limited time. When it comes to operating with this inner authority, we can consider Leonardo da Vinci our model. His motto in life was ostinato rigore, “relentless rigor.”

Answer 204

On the surface, the people around you appear so polite and civilized. But beneath the mask, they are inevitably dealing with frustrations. You must transform yourself into a superior observer of people’s unsatisfied aggressive desires, paying extra attention to the chronic aggressors and passive aggressors in our midst. You must recognize the signs—the past patterns of behavior, the obsessive need to control everything in their environment—that indicate the dangerous types. They depend on making you emotional—afraid, angry—and unable to think straight. Do not give them this power. When it comes to your own aggressive energy, learn to tame and channel it for productive purposes—standing up for yourself, attacking problems with relentless energy, realizing great ambitions.

Answer 205

When it comes to taking action against aggressors, you must be as sophisticated and crafty as they are. Do not try to fight with them directly. They are too relentless, and they usually have enough power to overwhelm you in direct confrontation. You must outwit them, finding unexpected angles of attack. Threaten to expose the hypocrisy in their narrative or the past dirty deeds they have tried to keep hidden from the public. Make it seem that a battle with you will be costlier than they had imagined, that you are also willing to play a little dirty, but only in defense.

Answer 206

You need to analyze how you handle your assertive energy. A way to judge yourself is to see how you handle moments of frustration and uncertainty, situations in which you have less control. Your goal is not to repress this assertive energy but to become aware of it as it drives you forward and to channel it productively. Your second task is to make yourself a master observer of aggression in the people around you. Look for some telltale signs. First, if they have an unusually high number of enemies whom they have accumulated over the years, there must be a good reason, and not the one they tell you. Pay close attention to how they justify their actions in the world. Aggressors will tend to present themselves as crusaders, as some form of genius who cannot help the way they behave. The other myth, more prevalent today, is that we may have been violent and aggressive in the past, but that we are currently evolving beyond this, becoming more tolerant, enlightened, and guided by our better angels. But the signs of human aggression are just as prevalent in our era as in the past.

Answer 207

Passive Aggression–Its Strategies and How to Counter Them The key to defending ourselves against passive aggressors is to recognize what they are up to as early as possible. The following are the most common strategies employed by such aggressors, and ways to counter them. The Subtle-Superiority Strategy: If this is chronic behavior, you must not get angry or display overt irritation—passive aggressors thrive on getting a rise out of you. Instead, stay calm and subtly mirror their behavior, calling attention to what they are doing, and inducing some shame if possible. The Sympathy Strategy: To deal with the manipulation involved here you need some distance, and this is not easy. The Dependency Strategy: In general, be wary about people’s promises and never completely rely on them. With those who fail to deliver, it is more likely a pattern, and it is best to have nothing more to do with them. The Insinuating-Doubt Strategy: The best counter is to show that their insinuations have no effect on you. You remain calm. You “agree” with their faint praise, and perhaps you return it in kind. The Blame-Shifter Strategy: Be calm and even fair, accepting some of the blame for the problem, if that seems right. Realize that it is very difficult to get such types to reflect on their behavior and change it; they are too hypersensitive for this. The Passive-Tyrant Strategy: The only real counter is to quit and recuperate. Controlled Aggression We are born with a powerful energy that is distinctly human. We can call it willpower, assertiveness, or even aggression, but it is mixed with our intelligence and cleverness.

Answer 208

Ambition: Tamping down your youthful ambitions is a sign that you don’t like or respect yourself; you no longer believe you deserve to have the power and recognition you once dreamed about. What you must do is embrace that childish part of you, revisit your earliest ambitions, adapt them to your current reality, and make them as specific as possible. The more clearly you see what you want, the likelier you are to realize it. Persistence: What you must understand is the following: almost nothing in the world can resist persistent human energy. The trick is to want something badly enough that nothing will stop you or dull your energy. Fearlessness: Timidity is a quality we generally acquire. It is a function of our mounting fears as we get older and a loss of confidence in our powers to get what we want. The key is to first convince yourself that you deserve good and better things in life. Anger: What makes anger toxic is the degree to which it is disconnected from reality. You must do the opposite. Your anger is directed at very specific individuals and forces. You analyze the emotion—are you certain that your frustration does not stem from your own inadequacies? Do you really understand the cause of the anger and what it should be directed at?

Answer 209

You are born into a generation that defines who you are more than you can imagine. Your generation wants to separate itself from the previous one and set a new tone for the world. Your task is to understand as deeply as possible this powerful influence on who you are and how you see the world. Knowing in depth the spirit of your generation and the times you live in, you will be better able to exploit the zeitgeist. You will be the one to anticipate and set the trends that your generation hungers for.

Answer 210

This power is a function of vision, of looking at events from a different angle, through a fresh framework. You ignore the clichéd interpretations that others will inevitably spout when facing changes. You drop the mental habits and past ways of looking at things that can cloud your vision. You stop the tendency to moralize, to judge what is happening. You simply want to see things as they are. First and foremost, you must be able to feel the change in the collective mood, to sense how people are diverging from the past. Once you feel the spirit, you can begin to analyze what is behind it. Keys to Human Nature We shall call this knowledge generational awareness. To attain it, first we must understand the actual profound effect that our generation has on how we view the world, and second we must understand the larger generational patterns that shape history and recognize where our time period fits into the overall scheme.

Answer 211

The first generation is that of the revolutionaries who make a radical break with the past, establishing new values but also creating some chaos in the struggle to do so. Then along comes a second generation that craves some order. Those of the third generation—having little direct connection to the founders of the revolution—feel less passionate about it. They are pragmatists. They want to solve problems and make life as comfortable as possible. Along comes the fourth generation, which feels that society has lost its vitality, but they are not sure what should replace it. They begin to question the values they have inherited, some becoming quite cynical. We notice that generations seem capable only of reacting and moving in an opposing direction to the previous generation. Your second task is to create a kind of personality profile of your generation, so that you can understand its spirit in the present and exploit it. Keep in mind that there are always nuances and exceptions. What you are looking for is common traits that signal an overall spirit. You can begin this by looking at the decisive events that occurred in the years before you entered the work world and that played a large role in shaping this personality. Try to map out the ramifications of these decisive events. Pay particular attention to the effect they may have had on the pattern of socialization that will characterize your generation. If the event was a major crisis of some sort, that will tend to make those of your generation band together for comfort and security, valuing the team and feelings of love, and allergic to confrontation. A period of stability and nonevents will make you gravitate toward others for adventure, for group experimentation, sometimes bordering on the reckless. In general, you will tend to notice a socializing style of your peers, most evident in your twenties. Pay close attention to the heroes and icons of a generation, those who act out the qualities that others secretly wish they had as well. They are often the types who gain celebrity in youth culture—the rebels, the successful entrepreneurs, the gurus, the activists. These indicate emerging new values. Similarly, look at the trends and fads that suddenly sweep through your generation, for instance the sudden popularity of digital currencies. Like an individual, any generation will tend to have an unconscious, shadow side to its personality. A good sign of this can be found in the particular style of humor that each generation tends to forge. In humor people release their frustrations and express their inhibitions. Your third task, then, is to expand this knowledge to something broader, first trying to piece together what could be considered the zeitgeist

Answer 212

Push against the past. Use the past and its values or ideas as something to push against with great force, using any anger you might feel to help in this. Make your break with the past as sharp and clear as possible. Adapt the past to the present spirit. Once you identify the essence of the zeitgeist, it is often a wise strategy to find some analogous moment or period in history. Resurrect the spirit of childhood. You must use this strategy only if you feel a particularly powerful connection to your childhood. Create the new social configuration. You will always gain great power by forging some new way of interacting that appeals to your generation. Subvert the spirit. If the spirit of the times is like a tide or a stream, better to find a way to gently redirect it, instead of fighting its direction. Keep adapting. What you want is to modernize your spirit, to possibly adopt some of the values and ideas of the younger generation that appeal to you, gaining a new and wider audience by blending your experience and perspective with the changes going on, making yourself into an unusual and appealing hybrid.

Answer 213

Aging has a psychological component and can be a self-fulfilling prophecy—we tell ourselves we are slowing down and cannot do or attempt as much as we did in past, and as we act on these thoughts, we intensify the aging process, which makes us depressed and prone to slow down even more. Present generations: Your goal here is to be less a product of the times and to gain the ability to transform your relationship to your generation. A key way of doing this is through active associations with people of different generations. Past generations: You must radically alter your own relationship to history, bringing it back to life within you. Make use of the excellent books written in the last hundred years to help you gain a feel for daily life in particular periods (for example, Everyday Life in Ancient Rome by Lionel Casson or The Waning of the Middle Ages by Johan Huizinga). The novels of F. Scott Fitzgerald will give you a much livelier connection to the Jazz Age than any scholarly book on the subject. Drop any tendencies to judge or moralize. The future: We can understand our effect on the future most clearly in our relationship to our children, or to those young people we influence in some way as teachers or mentors. This influence will last years after we are gone. But our work, what we create and contribute to society, can exert even greater power and can become part of a conscious strategy to communicate with those of the future and influence them.

Answer 214

Most of us spend our lives avoiding the thought of death. Instead, the inevitability of death should be continually on our minds. Understanding the shortness of life fills us with a sense of purpose and urgency to realize our goals. Training ourselves to confront and accept this reality makes it easier to manage the inevitable setbacks, separations, and crises in life. It gives us a sense of proportion, of what really matters in this brief existence of ours. Most people continually look for ways to separate themselves from others and feel superior. Instead, we must see the mortality in everyone, how it equalizes and connects us all. By becoming deeply aware of our mortality, we intensify our experience of every aspect of life. The Bullet in the Side We must focus hard on the uncertainty that death represents—it could come tomorrow, as could other adversity or separation. We must stop postponing our awareness. In doing so, we set a much different course for our lives. Making death a familiar presence, we understand how short life is and what really should matter to us.

Answer 215

We must begin by meditating on our death and seeking to convert it into something more real and physical. We can use our imagination in this as well, by envisioning the day our death arrives, where we might be, how it might come. We must make this as vivid as possible. We can also try to look at the world as if we were seeing things for the last time—the people around us, the everyday sights and sounds, the hum of the traffic, the sound of the birds, the view outside our window.

Answer 216

The Sublime is anything that exceeds our capacity for words or concepts by being too large, too vast, too dark and mysterious. Feeling the Sublime is the perfect antidote to our complacency and to the petty concerns of daily life that can consume us and leave us feeling rather empty. When we look up at the night sky, we can let our minds try to fathom the infinity of space and the overwhelming smallness of our planet, lost in all the darkness. "Let us rid death of its strangeness, come to know it, get used to it. Let us have nothing on our minds as often as death...He who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave. Knowing how to die frees us from all subjection and constraint." —Michel de Montaigne

Answer 217

- Say : Good to see you again

Answer 218

Say : Aren't you in tech

Answer 219

Say : Aren't you in midtown

Answer 220

Don't just charm one member of an old money family. Take your time. They are curious about you. Try to get the whole family to meet you instead of just one or 2

Answer 221

Cocktails parties are auditions for bigger events. Be an asset for every event you attend. Google host or hostess, tell them their first (whatever) was genius. They never get tired of hearing how great they are. Meet everyone, record peoples names See who is receiving the most attention - talk to an older person being ignored and learn more about the person. Ask about people and learn about others. Use that info in your next convo (pretending you know them) Be charming in the most difficult circumstances. Make your whale make they are using you. They should never think you are leaving the party with more than you arrived with. Offer to help clean up broken glass or put out food. Always bring a gift. Your kindness must seem real and spontaneous in every situation. You can entertain everyone. Your job is to fill silences and make them look intelligent and funnier. Invite people to your next vacation Don't latch yourself onto the big fish to early. Google people near you at a seated party. Rich people invite you because they are board. Entertain.

Answer 222

Bring casual and formal clothes just in case. Don't go to charity events if you haven't Do all the dumb events. Make time for "meditation " (aka resting) Write a handwritten thank you note. All old money families are ruled by matriarchal. Make freinds with their dog. Non-commitable responses - It is what it is. All of the world loves to eat and we are the dinner. The spanish say - the quiet ones fool you The russians say - you'll have to talk to my lawyer about that There are 2 ends to every string.

Answer 223

Always defer to others power and seniority When someone is emotional it is easy to manipulate them. The best cons make you feel like you're an amazing human being. Always start by saying you don't have anything - The best cons get things without asking, the mark offers it up. Use stories that appeal to emotion to capture attention.

Answer 224

Coercion Expertise Position Affiliation Reward

Answer 225

Everyone feels they are exceptional. Complement them on what they find most exceptional about themselves and they'll feel like your reading their minds.

Answer 226

Increase their cognitive load. Bombard people with a ton of information to momentarily distract them

Answer 227

p89, quoting con artist Victor Lustig: “Be a patient listener (it is this, not fast talking, that gets a con man his coups).” p91: “As any good confidence man will tell you, someone who is emotional is someone who is vulnerable. And so, before a single element of the actual con is laid out, before a single persuasive appeal is made, before a mark knows that someone will want something, anything at all, from him, the emotional channels are opened.” p95, presenting research and findings from Robert Zajonc, and inadvertently explaining much of why many (including otherwise good, sensible) people support the embodiment of fraud that is Donald Trump: “Not only do we form emotional impressions long before we create any rational understanding, but those impressions, in turn, are ‘irrevocable.’ ‘We can readily accept that we can be wrong,’ Zajonc told his audience that September afternoon. ‘But we are never wrong about what we like or dislike.’ Or, in a con artist’s interpretation, most any cries of foul play will fall on deaf ears if you’ve already decided you like the person doing the conning. They ‘feel’ more right. We trust our feelings more than anything anyone can tell us to the contrary. Our preferences need no inferences – and activating those preferences is what the play is all about.”

Answer 228

p101, on the power of stories: “No matter the format, they are an ever-present form of entertainment. That’s precisely why they are such a powerful tool of deception, and so vital when it comes to the play. When we’re immersed in a story, we let down our guard. We focus in a way we wouldn’t if someone were just trying to catch us with a random phrase or picture or interaction. And in those moments of fully immersed attention, we may absorb things under the radar, so to speak, that would normally either pass us by or put us on high alert. We may even find ourselves, later, thinking that some idea or concept is coming from within our own brilliant, fertile minds, when really it was planted there by the story we just heard or read.”

Answer 229

p102: “When a fact is plausible, we still need to test it. When a story is plausible, we often assume it’s true…Facts are up for debate. Stories are trickier. Emotions on high, empathy engaged, we become primed for the play. The best confidence artist makes us feel not like we’re being taken for a ride but like we are genuinely wonderful human beings. p103: “Gripping narratives may often supersede any logic or more direct tactic: in some cases, it can be the only strategy for getting someone to agree with you or behave in a certain way, where any direct appeals would be met with resistance. The con artist, after all, often gets what he wants without ever having to ask. You yourself kindly offer it up.”

Answer 230

p133, in what sounds like basic marketing tactics: “In 2003, Eric Knowles, a social psychologist at the University of Arkansas who has been researching persuasion since the 1970s, and Jay Linn, an organizational and social psychologist at Widener University, posited that all persuasive strategies could be categorized into two types. The first, alpha, was far more frequent: increasing the appeal of something. The second, omega, decreased resistance surrounding something.” p133: “The rope, then, is the alpha and omega of the confidence game: after finding a victim and lowering his defenses through a bit of fancy emotional footwork, it’s time for the actual persuasive pitch.” p142, describing a tactic familiar to anyone who’s seen an infomercial: “In 1986, Santa Clara University psychologist Jerry Burger proposed a persuasion – or roping, if you will – tactic that relied not on a comparison between two separate favors but on a comparison within the favor itself: the that’s-not-all technique. An effective approach, Burger found, is to start with a false baseline (that is, not at all what you’re planning to eventually propose) and then, in quick succession, make changes and additions to that starting point that make it seem increasingly attractive. You make an initial bid – how would you like to get in on this land deal in Florida? – and before your mark can respond, you turn it into something else. ‘That’s not all. You also get a guaranteed return on your initial investment.’ People who were approached with a that’s-not-all story, Burger found, were more likely to buy into it than those who heard the great offer right away. (The that’s-not-all-ing, incidentally, can continue for a while. You need not stop at one.)”

Answer 231

p172, illustrating how we convince ourselves, doing the con artist’s job: “At this stage in the confidence game, the mark has been chosen, the play has begun, and the rope has been cast in a very specific way. We’re no longer deciding between abstract, cold courses of action that we don’t much care about. We’re emotionally involved. We’ve already had the case persuasively laid out for us, in a way that makes it seem like a version of what we ourselves would most want, in the way we most want it. And so when the tale is told – that is, we’re told how we, personally, will benefit – it’s no longer really being told to us. We are the ones who are now doing the telling. The good confidence man has been working his way up to this very moment, the moment when ‘Too good to be true’ turns into ‘Actually, this makes perfect sense’: I am exceptional, and I deserve it. It’s not too good to be true; it is exactly what I had coming to me. The chances may be less than 1 percent, but then again, I’m a less than 1 percent kind of guy.” ‘Too good to be true’ turns into ‘Actually, thi

Answer 232

p185 (Richard Nisbett is the author of Mindware): “One of the reasons that the tale is so powerful is that, despite the motivated reasoning that we engage in, we never realize we’re doing it. We think we are being rational, even if we have no idea why we’re really deciding to tact that way. In ‘Telling More Than We Can Know,’ a seminal paper in the history of social and cognitive psychology, Richard Nisbett and Timothy Wilson showed that people’s decisions are often influenced by minute factors outside their awareness – but tell them as much, and they rebel. Instead, they will give you a list of well-reasoned justifications for why they acted as they did.” p190: “Cons are often underreported because, to the end, the marks insist they haven’t been conned at all. Our memory is selective. When we feel that something was a personal failure, we dismiss it rather than learn from it. And so, many marks decide that they were merely victims of circumstance; they had never been taken for a fool.” p190 supports the previous point with this story: “In June 2014, a so-called suckers list of people who had fallen for multiple scams surfaced in England. It had been passed on from shady group to shady group, sold to willing bidders, until law enforcement had gotten hold of its contents. It was 160,000 names long. When authorities began contacting some of the individuals on the list, they were met with surprising resistance. I’ve never been scammed, the victims insisted. You must have the wrong information.” p194, get out of my head! “After reading this chapter, you will be intrigued by all of these forays with exceptionalism. But you will remain convinced that you, personally, have already properly taken them into consideration. Your present understanding of yourself and of the world around you is now fairly objective. Everyone else, however, is a potential sucker.” p195: “‘The secret of rulership,’ wrote George Orwell, ‘is to combine a belief in one’s own infallibility with the power to learn from past mistakes.'”

Answer 233

p237, on reducing dissonance: “Changing your perception or your memory is easier than changing behavior.” p245: “Confidence men are master storytellers, so by the time things appear to be getting dicey, they are perfectly placed to make us believe ever more strongly in their fiction rather than walk away, as we by any sane estimation should. They don’t just tell an original tale; they know how to make even the most dire-seeming evidence against them look more like evidence in favor of their essential trustworthiness and their chosen scheme’s essential brilliance.” p253 summarizes a wonderful piece of comeuppance: “Not all marks are created equal. Twice suckered was two times too many for Norfleet. He vowed to get revenge. Over four years and thirty thousand miles, crisscrossing the country, traveling into Mexico and Cuba, scouting up into the wilds of Canada, he meticulously tracked down every single member of the vast gang that had conned him out of wealth and reputation. ‘Go get those miserable crooks,’ his wife had told him. ‘Bring them in alive.’ And that’s precisely what he did. By the time Norfleet died, in October 1967, he was no longer the Boomerang Sucker. He was the ‘Little Tiger of Hale County,’ the one who single-handedly took down one of the largest organized crime rings in the nation.”

Answer 234

p266: “The Teton Dam seems far removed from the world of the confidence game, except for one key similarity: once we’ve invested heavily in something, we no longer see it clearly, no matter the costs.” p268, referencing inattentional blindness (perceptual blindness): “To a disinterested observer, with nothing invested and no preconceived notions, the gorilla is there, plain as day. To someone invested in a specific task or engrossed in the drama of the confidence game, it is essentially invisible.” p270…like locking in a loss: “To psychologists, the results were clear: cutting losses would mean admitting a mistake, and the psychological costs of doing that were simply too high.” p273: “From toys to elections (the incumbent effect) to jobs and relationships that coast along on inertia, the status quo is extremely attractive. As Samuel Johnson once said, ‘To do nothing is within the power of all men.’ Once we’re in the home stretch of the confidence game, our investment renders us unable to be objective about the past evidence; we ignore the breakdown and open the way for the send because we refuse to admit we could have been wrong. We persist in acting as we did before, despite the growing evidence that we should change course. And so of course the con is successful: the touch goes off without a hitch, and we’re left completely fleeced.” p275: “Once we’re in the game, it’s easiest to follow the path of least resistance. It justifies what we’ve already done and reduces the effort we need to make going forward. The deeper we get, the more difficult psychologically it becomes to extricate ourselves, or to see that we’re even in need of extrication. All of the factors are aligned against us.” p276, familiar to anyone who’s read Success and Luck: “We overestimate the extent to which we, personally, are the designers of our own success, as opposed to it just happening all on its own. When something goes wrong, we’re only too eager to blame ill fortune. Not so when it goes right.”

Answer 235

p307: “We want to believe. Believe that things make sense. That an action leads to a result. That things don’t just happen willy-nilly no matter what we do, but rather for a reason. That what we do makes a difference, however small. That we ourselves matter. That there is a grand story, a higher method to the seeming madness. And in the heart of that desire, we easily become blind. The eternal lure of the con is the same reason religions arise spontaneously in most any human society: People always want something to believe in.”

Answer 236

Lavar Nurton

Answer 237

Tune out the noise - Lavar Burton

Answer 238

A Week of Active Listening - Lavar Burton

Answer 239

Remember that phrase It’s better to be interested than to be interesting? Here is where you practice letting your ego take a back seat. Put any desires to talk about yourself or argue a point aside, and instead let the conversation flow naturally.

Answer 240

On that note, being interested doesn’t mean you shouldn’t contribute to a conversation. Rather, the idea is to be self-aware when you chime in. W.A.I.T. stands for “Why Am I Talking,” or taking a step back to ask: Does what I’m saying convey that I’ve been paying attention to and understanding my conversation partner(s)? Or is there a subconscious urge to brag, get a point across, or turn the attention back on myself? W.A.I.T. is a particularly helpful note for anybody in a position of authority (management, leadership, parental, etc.), as anything you say in such a power dynamic can quickly overwhelm a discussion and make people shut down.

Answer 241

“We talk just to hear ourselves talk or to fill up the void,” LeVar notes. “A lot of us have a discomfort with silence. We talk so that we don’t have to suffer the silence.” Indeed, a study on business meetings conducted at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands found that when a mere four-second silence was inserted in a conversation, English speakers start ed to feel unsettled. Yet, as any journalist knows, constructive silence can move a conversation forward, allowing space for the speaker to reveal more than they might have originally disclosed. No need to stop a conversation cold. Simply make a conscious effort during today’s listening assignment to allow for, or even invite, more pregnant pauses than you are accustomed to.

Answer 242

Pretend you’re doing improv. Rather than planning out what you’re going to say several steps ahead in a conversation, react only in the moment—and specifically to what the other person is saying. This is actually much harder than it sounds! Many times, you’re busy waiting for the other person to finish so that you can make a point that’s meaningful to you. Responding in the moment is about being comfortable with not knowing what you’re going to say next. Trust that whatever the other person says will inspire you to reply in kind, sending a powerful signal that you’re truly listening to them.

Answer 243

One of the most effective ways to be a clear communicator, as LeVar explains, is to learn how to establish a rapport with your audience. “Rapport is simply a way to express sympathy between entities. Things that are alike tend to like each other. So there is a technique called mirroring, wherein you can be observant about the body posture and attitude of your partner in communicating,” he says. “Let’s say you’re trying to communicate with somebody who has their legs crossed. It is possible to subtly adopt that body attitude, thereby establishing rapport.” Your turn: Building on yesterday’s level of deep and intentional concentration, when you do your listening work today, add a mirroring element.

Answer 244

By now, you’re probably aware of LeVar’s assertion that “most of what we absorb in communicating is nonverbal. We’re taking cues not just on language, but posture, from attitude, from intonation.” Today, make an extra effort to show people that you’re listening, even going a step beyond mirroring. “When you lean in and you show interest and give attention to another person, there’s an autonomic response,” LeVar explains. “Endorphins flow. There’s a physiological change that happens when we feel like we are being paid attention to.” Go ahead, lean in closer. Tilt your head, arch an eyebrow at the right moment, vocalize an “mmmm.” Or simply sit in a posture that’s open and receptive. These signals help show the other person that you’re listening, and with each encouraging gesture, you add energy to the conversation, inspiring the other person to go on and potentially say something they may not have found the courage to otherwise.

Answer 245

Storytelling helps us tap into our own inner world,” LeVar says. Since the dawn of human history, storytelling has allowed us to make sense of our lives as well as the wider world and derive deeper meaning from both. Anyone can tell a story in front of a public crowd, but it takes practice to harness storytelling’s full potential— the ability to move your audience and inspire a deeper sense of connection with them. Ready to get in front of a mic (or just a small group of friends)? These tips are sure to help you create a more compelling oral narrative and more deeply engage a live audience. MAKE IT PERSONAL You’re far more likely to connect with audiences if you make yourself a bit vulnerable by revealing a slice of your own life. Whether or not you are telling a story that’s based on personal experience, you can always look to your life for inspiration when coming up with new stories. Think about important experiences in your life and how you might be able to craft them into larger narratives. C H O O S E A C L E A R CENTRAL MESSAGE A great story usually progresses toward a central moral or message. When crafting a story, you should have a definite idea of what you’re building toward. If you’re telling a funny story, you might build toward a twist that will leave your audience in stitches. If you’re telling an engaging story, try to increase the dramatic tension and suspense right up until the climax of your narrative. EMBRACE CONFLICT Great storytellers spin narratives that feature all sorts of obstacles and hardships strewn in the path of their protagonists. In order to be satisfied with a happy ending, audiences have to hear how the main characters struggle to achieve their goals. H AV E A C L E A R ST R U C T U R E There are many ways to structure a story, but in general it should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. On a more granular level, a successful story will start with an inciting incident, lead into rising action, build to a climax, and ultimately settle into a satisfying resolution. There are many books and online resources that can help you better understand these terms and acquaint you with other storytelling techniques.

Answer 246

N A R ROW T H E S C O P E OF YOUR STORY If you’re telling a true story from your life, it can be hard to choose the main points that you should include; many people have a tendency to cram in every detail and end up inundating their audience with facts that dilute the central story arc. Choose a clear beginning and end to your story, then write the key plot events as bullet points in between. Trust that your audience will be able to follow your story, and don’t overwhelm them with unnecessary backstory or tangential plot points. O B S E RV E G O O D STORYTELLERS Your personal stories will always be unique and specific to you, but the best way to learn about crafting and delivering a narrative is by watching storytellers you admire. Whether it’s a family member who regales you with childhood tales around the dinner table or a faith leader who inspires you with their sermons, chances are you’ve come across more than a handful of talented storytellers in your life. Seek out examples of their storytelling and learn through observation. PAC E YO U R M A I N P O I N TS THROUGHOUT YOUR STORY If you’re presenting a nonfiction story designed to make a point, make sure there’s at least one important point in each section of your story to keep your audience invested. A good storyteller will typically identify their two most salient points and bookend their story with them—they will open with an exciting anecdote to grab the audience’s attention, and then they will make sure the last thing they say is something that can resonate with the audience long after the story is over. In between these two tentpole story points, they fill out the space with pithy content, which ensures a holistically successful story. WORK IN SOME SURPRISES Just like the best fiction writers, the best public speakers never want their audience to go into cruise control. Typically, an audience member makes assumptions about how a story will unfold, and if it proceeds as expected, that audience member is likely to disengage. As the storyteller, you must prevent this from happening—so throw a plot twist into your storyline to grab your audience’s attention. W R I T E O U T T H E STO RY YOU PLAN TO TELL If you’re sharing a story orally, it’s a great strategy to write out what you plan to say. In many cases, this might mean giving yourself a written outline or note cards full of bullet points you want to hit. If it’s your first time doing this, you may want to draft the entire story in complete sentences—but take care not to spend your speech with your head buried in a piece of paper. As your storytelling skills develop, you may become increasingly comfortable ad-libbing. But if you’re new, it’s wise to be overprepared. As a bonus, a written version of your story can be the springboard for a novel, novella, essay, or short story. K N OW YO U R TA RG E T AU D I E N C E—A N D ENGAGE THEM Good storytellers not only keep their audience in mind during all stages of the creative process—from generating an idea to drafting a story to sharing the work in public—but they also know why an audience is listening in the first place. When you’re finally at the point of sharing your story, the connection you make with your audience can depend on the mode of storytelling you’re using. If you’re reading a short story, you might want to play around with bringing your gaze off the page every so often to make eye contact with the audience. If you’re recording a podcast, focus on the expressiveness of your voice and your ability to convey emotion with your tone.

Answer 247

Decide who will be the central character of the story. Often people remember the characters more than the story itself.

Answer 248

What challenges does the character have to overcome? What do they want and what is stopping them from getting it? This is your story’s source of tension.

Answer 249

You need something that breaks down barriers; love, lust, greed, passion, and loss are perfect.

Answer 250

Make sure your characters move towards their goal/objective/solving a problem.

Answer 251

Try not to make it predictable for the listener. Introduce a question or challenge and don’t be too quick to solve it.

Answer 252

It is essential that your story allows the listener to suspend their disbelief, listening to what you are saying rather than questioning the truth of your words.

Answer 253

Often referred to as the Inciting Incident, it is a concept popularized by the master of story, Robert McKee, in his famed three-day “Story Seminar” given all over the world. It is described by Steven Pressfield, author of The Legend of Bagger Vance and The War of Art, here: “The inciting incident in a screenplay or novel is that event that gets the story rolling. In The Hangover, it’s the moment when the guys wake up in their trashed villa with no memory of what happened the night before–and realize that they’ve lost their friend Doug. With that, the story kicks into gear. Everything before that is just setup. Ask yourself of your project, “What is the inciting incident?” “When does the ‘story’ take off?” You’d be surprised how many would-be novels/screenplays/restaurants/startups don’t have inciting incidents. That’s why they don’t work”.

Answer 254

The last line should be the first line you write. Then work backwards towards your inciting incident and set up.

Answer 255

his is referred to as the Bookend Technique and it will give your story a feeling of completion or symmetry.

Answer 256

Setup (Beginning) Confrontation (Middle), and Resolution (End).

Answer 257

“People have forgotten how to tell a story,” said Steven Spielberg. “Stories don’t have a middle or an end any more. They usually have a beginning that never stops beginning.” If one of the most awarded directors of all time says that’s a problem, it’s a problem. Make sure you don’t make the same mistake.

Answer 258

Modern day storytelling is joke telling. Today’s audiences expect some light-heartedness and entertainment. Airbnb gave it to them in the form of funky named cereals. A story should make people care by including personal experience that the audience can relate to themselves and to their own lives. The most powerful stories are not about the storyteller, they are about the person who is hearing the story. Most marketers and presenters forget this.

Answer 259

Be forewarned: Stories are told, not read. We love how the storyteller connects with the audience when there is no PAGE between them! Please know your story “by heart” but not by rote memorization. No notes, paper or cheat sheets allowed on stage. Have some stakes. Stakes are essential in live storytelling. What do you stand to gain or lose? Why is what happens in the story important to you? If you can’t answer this, then think of a different story. A story without stakes is an essay and is best experienced on the page, not the stage. Start in the action. Have a great first line that sets up the stakes or grabs attention.

Answer 260

NO: “So I was thinking about climbing this mountain. But then I watched a little TV and made a snack and took a nap and my mom called and vented about her psoriasis then I did a little laundry (a whites load) (I lost another sock, darn it!) and then I thought about it again and decided I’d climb the mountain the next morning.” YES: “The mountain loomed before me. I had my hunting knife, some trail mix, and snow boots. I had to make it to the little cabin and start a fire before sundown or freeze to death for sure.” Steer clear of meandering endings. They kill a story! Your last line should be clear in your head before you start. Yes, bring the audience along with you as you contemplate what transpires in your story, but remember, you are driving the story, and must know the final destination. Keep your hands on the wheel!

Answer 261

Watching you panic to think of the next memorized line is harrowing for the audience. Make an outline, memorize your bullet points and play with the details. Enjoy yourself. Imagine you are at a dinner party, not a deposition.

Answer 262

The only way to learn where your laugh lines are is through trial and error, but when you hit upon one you will remember it. Your audience’s laughter burns a mental post-it note in your mind because it feels good to make people laugh.

Answer 263

We can do this without losing the story format by using the joke structure, which will allow us to deliver the same story in its shortest, most effective form. Standup comedians, top TED speakers, and even Presidents tend to follow the same joke format for this: 1) Set-up, 2) Punch line, and then 3) Taglines. The Setup establishes the premise of the joke by providing the audience with the necessary background information. It should use as few words as possible. The punch line, this is essentially the laugh line. The set-up leads the audience in one direction and the punch line surprises them by suddenly going off in a different direction. That twist, that element of surprise, is a punch line’s chief ingredient. Taglines are optional. They are essentially additional punch lines delivered after the initial punch line. Sometimes they build on the original joke and sometimes they add a twist and surprising new direction. Remember: Always keep the punch line in mind.

Answer 264

A great piece of advice given to me by one of the San Francisco Bay Area’s top comedians, Reggie Steele, is to write as if you are describing something to a blind person. It’s a piece of advice he learned literally when a number of blind people came to one of his shows. He wanted to make sure they could relate to his story and follow every aspect of it from the words alone and not just his usual animated style.

Answer 265

Try to incorporate these words into your opening setup or statement. This will help people focus on you and pay attention quickly. If you want people to be passionate about your topic, show them some passion.

Answer 266

In our presentations, we’ll do exactly the same thing. When you see “a thousand songs in your pocket,” you’ll immediately think about Steve Jobs and the launch of the iPod. This was the key takeaway, 1,000 songs in your pocket. He repeated it over and over again throughout the presentation. Also, “I have a dream,” the key line for Martin Luther King’s famous speech. He said this over and over again to emphasize it as the clear takeaway. The 3rd most popular TED talk at the time of writing is Simon Sinek’s: How great leaders inspire action. He repeatedly states the main point of the talk: “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.”

Answer 267

Be fully visible. Don’t hide behind the podium. Instead hide your notes there. Don’t eat your microphone. Keep it a good distance away from your mouth and ideally below your chin. Speak instead of preach. Try your best to sound conversational. Mind your face. Your facial expression is incredibly important from moment you step on stage to the moment you walk off). Hands in the front. Make your hands highly visible. Practice with a bottle in each hand.

Answer 268

Get on stage ‘fast’ when host introduces you. Smile and make eye contact with as many people as you can in the front rows. Speak loud enough to fill in the room. Try and get a quick laugh. Don’t forget to pause.

Answer 269

Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance. Close your eyes and try and hear your own heart beat before you go on stage. Breathe and relax. Stretching is also a great and widely used technique. Stretching sends out hormones to trigger a relaxation response in your body. Don’t hate stretching and yoga.

Answer 270

Comedians practice 22 hours for every 1 minute of stage presence. Ironically, comedians practice a lot until they start sounding spontaneous.

Answer 271

Guys, sincere apologies. We’re in a conference on humor and maybe we went too far. Feeding you Mexican food, giving you free alcohol, and hiding the toilet paper. Not funny guys, not funny at all.

Answer 272

Why Pop Tarts? Because Pop Tarts sound fun. Words with “K” also sounds funny like Chicken.

Answer 273

Preparation (situation setup) Anticipation (can often be achieved with just a timely pause) Punch line (pay off)

Charisma & Stories II Flashcards

(297 cards)