Relationship Matters by Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Question 1

what types of problems does this video attempt to solve?

Answer 1

• when child resists taking direction from you (ie. when kid is not receptive to parents’ demands)
• when child refuses to accept futility (ie. when child becomes aggressive when they realize some things are out of their control and they’ll need to change their behaviour)
• when child tends to bully/socially dominate others (ie. when child refuses to be empathetic or pro-social with other children)

Question 2

what is the proposed solution mentioned in this video for behaviour problems?

Answer 2

According to Neufeld, the quality of the attachment bond must be considered when parents give directions, confront child with futility, and with how child treats others

Question 3

Directives: what is necessary for them to be received and not resisted?

Answer 3

• A child must use the parent (not someone else) as his/her compass point (the person that guides them and shows them what to do)
• • A child determines who his/her compass point is (it cannot be assumed/determined by parents)
• A child must have a sense of heading somewhere –> parent must assume the alpha role (child must be attached in the dependent mode so that they can relax)

Question 4

Futility: what is necessary for them to respond with acceptance and not futility?

Answer 4

A child must perceive that their parent has a soft heart (ie. parent is doing this because they genuinely care about the child, not to dominate them)

Question 5

advice about futility

Answer 5

• A parent must be willing to confront his/her child with futility when it is necessary
• Parents cannot consistently indulge their child (allow them to have their way at all times) or consistently protect them from experiencing anything unpleasant

Question 6

tears vs. aggression

Answer 6

• When a child feels guilty or ashamed of their behaviour (i.e., experiences a self-conscious emotion), this can lead to tears
• According to Dr. Neufeld, parents should interpret tears as a symbol that they are transforming or adapting to the encounter with futility that the parent is initiating → aggressiveness means you’re not getting through to them

Question 7

Treating other children: what is necessary for children to respond in prosocial ways instead of antisocial ways?

Answer 7

• A child must feel sufficiently taken care of before they can take care of another.
• • must feel that they can freely take advantage of their secure base in times of stress (i.e., a child must feel cared for themselves to be moved to care for other)

Question 8

young children and 2 opposing directions

Answer 8

• Young children should feel as though they are being pulled in two opposing directions – for example, they should have the desire to take care of the self along with the desire to take care of others
• Children should not be solely concerned with taking care of others or solely concerned with taking care of the self

Question 9

Neufeld’s 3 R’s (basics of parenting)

Answer 9

• Relationship: developing a healthy relationship with adults
• Rest/Relaxation: feeling safe enough in the relationship to rest/relax
• Room: feeling like you have room to become your own person in a relationship

Question 10

3 R’s: Relationship (stages)

Answer 10

• stages of relationship development are like stages of attachment
• • senses
• • sameness
• • belonging and loyalty
• • significance
• • love
• • being known

Question 11

Relationship stages: senses

Answer 11

initially infants attach through the senses (touch, hear, see caregiver)

Question 12

Relationship stages: sameness

Answer 12

once toddlers tolerate/desire separation, they use their energy to imitate/emulate the people they can tolerate separation from; language develops because of this motivation to imitate

Question 13

Relationship stages: belonging and loyalty

Answer 13

preschoolers show jealousy and possessiveness, which are evidence of their emerging instincts of loyalty (willing to agree/cooperate with you)

Question 14

Relationship stages: significance

Answer 14

children want to matter to you and know how important they are (love hearing stories of how they changed your life)

Question 15

Relationship stages: love

Answer 15

children able to give their heart away to you (can tolerate vulnerability with you)

Question 16

Relationship stages: being known

Answer 16

the desire to share what is in your heart with someone who will listen and understand you (psychological intimacy - you want to tell people things because they’ll listen and understand)

Question 17

3 R’s: Rest/Relaxation

Answer 17

• growth happens from a place of rest/relaxation, but children can only rest once adults take responsibility
• • children must never work for their attachment figure’s love –> it must be unconditional (don’t use love withdrawal)
• • Adults must provide more affection, attention, feelings of significance, etc. than children need or ask for

Question 18

3 R’s: Room

Answer 18

• when individuality and intimacy are simultaneously one, children are able to be close to attachment figure and become individuals
• • individuality can be invited by ensuring the other 2 R’s are met –> the more secure the attachment is, the more they can rest, the greater chance of developing room

Question 19

3 Rituals of Relationship

Answer 19

• Collect
• Bridge what would divide
• Matchmake with those responsible

Question 20

3 Rituals of Relationship: collect

Answer 20

• activate a relationship; similar to courtship rituals (collect before you direct - before you give a directive, you need to collect/activate your attachment)
• • ex. picking up child, cuddling them, THEN tell them to clean their room

Question 21

3 Rituals of Relationship: Bridge what would divide

Answer 21

• Goodbye rituals –> focus on the return
• • separation anxiety is a problem for many children, so develop a goodbye ritual where you focus on what you’re going to do together when you return

Question 22

3 Rituals of Relationship: Match-make with those responsible

Answer 22

• make introductions to significant others
• ex. in public schools → if your favourite teacher introduces you to your new teacher and “recommends” them (ie. saying how great this teacher is, how much the kid will like them, etc.) will help transition → transferring attachment to another adult