Chapter 11 Conflict

Question 1

Interpersonal conflict can result whenever …

Answer 1

one person’s motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another.

Question 2

Conflict occurs when …

Answer 2

one’s wishes or actions actually obstruct or impede those of someone else, that is, when one partner has to give up doing something that he or she wants
because of the other partner’s influence

Question 3

Conflict is inescapable for two reasons …

Answer 3

First, the moods and preferences of any two people will occasionally differ

Second, conflict is unavoidable because there are certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain.

These are opposing motivations, or DIALECTICS,
that can never be completely satisfied because they contradict each other

Question 4

one potent dialectic in close relationships is the continual tension between _____ autonomy and ____ to others.

Answer 4

personal

connection

Question 5

Another powerful dialectic is the tension between ____ and ____.

Answer 5

openness

closedness

Question 6

Another powerful dialectic is between _____ and ____.

Answer 6

stability

change

Question 7

Finally, there’s dialectic tension between ____ with and ____ from one’s social network.

Answer 7

integration

separation

Question 8

The amount of conflict people encounter is linked to what 7 things:

Answer 8

Personality: people high in neuroticism have more conflicts; people high in agreeableness have fewer

Attachment style: secure people encounter fewer conflicts, and manage them better when they do occur,
than insecure people do

Stage of life: older couples have fewer conflicts than younger couples do

Similarity: the less similar partners are, the more conflict they experience

Stress: the more stress two partners experience, the more likely they encounter conflict

Sleep: Partners sleep poorly after a conflict, leaving them grumpy and irritable, and this leads to more conflict

Alcohol: intoxication exacerbates conflict; adding alcohol to a frustrating disagreement is a bit like adding fuel to a fire

Question 9

couples may disagree about almost any issue. true or false?

Answer 9

true

Question 10

those who are parents disagree more about how to manage, discipline, and care for their children—and when—than about anything else. true or false?

Answer 10

true

Question 11

Four different types of events cause most conflicts:

Answer 11

CRITICISM involves verbal or nonverbal acts that communicate unfair dissatisfaction or that seem unjustly critical

ILLEGITIMATE demands are requests that are excessive and that seem unjust

REBUFFS occur when one appeals for a desired reaction

CUMULATIVE annoyances are relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition

Question 12

An intriguing example of cumulative annoyances is

social allergies which occur when…

Answer 12

small recurring nuisances gradually come to cause

strong reactions of disgust and exasperation that are out of proportion to the offense

Question 13

Misunderstanding may occur if partners fail to appreciate that each of them has his or her own point of view. true or false?

Answer 13

true

Question 14

attributional conflict

Answer 14

fighting over whose explanation is right and whose account is wrong.

Two partners’ explanations for events are routinely somewhat different, and conflict can result

Question 15

when any conflict occurs, the explanations with which intimate partners account for the frustrations they encounter have a huge influence on how dis-tressed they feel and how angrily they respond. true or false?

Answer 15

true

Question 16

“expressing anger while you feel angry nearly always makes you feel angrier” . true or false?

Answer 16

true

First, we can think differently.
Second, if you do get angry, chill out.
Finally, find humor where you can.

Question 17

When an instigating event occurs, the partners may ____ the issue or ____ the issue and let it drop

Answer 17

address

avoid

Question 18

Avoidance occurs only when both partners wish to evade the issue. true or false?

Answer 18

true

Question 19

If the issue is engaged and conflict begins, ____ and rational problem solving may follow

in other cases, ____ occurs and the conflict heats up

Answer 19

negotiation

escalation

Question 20

Direct actions explicitly challenge one’s partner that include:

Answer 20

Accusations
Hostile commands and threats
Antagonistic questions
Surly and sarcastic put-downs

Question 21

Indirect actions are more veiled and implicit that include:

Answer 21

Condescension
Dysphoric affect
Evasion

Question 22

Surly conflict becomes especially fractious when

the partners fall into a pattern of negative affect reciprocity in which ….

Answer 22

they trade escalating provocations back and forth

Question 23

People with secure  attachment  styles  experience  milder  physiological  responses  to  conflict than  insecure  people  do. true or false?

Answer 23

true

Question 24

 the demand/withdraw pattern is where …

Answer 24

 “one partner engages in demanding forms of behavior, such as complaints, criticisms, and pressures for changes, while the other partner engages  in  withdrawing  forms  of  behavior,  such  as  half-hearted  involvement, changing  the  topic,  avoiding  discussion,  or  even  walking  away”

Question 25

Around  the  world,  women  are  the demanders  and  men  the  withdrawers  more  often  than  not. true or false?

Answer 25

true

Question 26

Why do women demand and men withdraw?

Answer 26

gender differences  that  distinguish  men and  women. Women  are  encouraged  to  be  communal  and expressive whereas men are encouraged to be independent and autonomous

social structure  hypothesis argues that the demand/withdraw pattern results from pervasive differences in the power of men and women in society and marriage alike

Question 27

when loving partners are finally cool-headed, _____ usually occurs.

Answer 27

negotiation

Question 28

direct tactics include

Answer 28

(a) showing a willingness to deal with the problem by accepting responsibility or by offering concessions or a compromise;

( b) exhibiting support for the other’s point of view through paraphrasing;

(c) offering self-disclosure with “I-statements”;
(d) providing approval and affection.

Question 29

indirect tactic is….

Answer 29

friendly, non-sarcastic humor that lightens the mood.

Question 30

some more helpful advice for successful negotiation are…

Answer 30

First, you can reduce the intensity of your conflict by taking a future orientation

Second, be optimistic.

Third, value your partner’s outcomes as well as your own.

Question 31

Successful negotiations will be more likely if you:

Answer 31

Remain optimistic
Are more forgiving
Value your partner’s outcomes as well as your own
Focus on what you can do differently to improve things
Consider what a neutral third party would think
Take a break when someone begins to get annoyed

Question 32

the four categories differ in being either active or passive and in being either constructive or destructive:

Answer 32

Voice: actively and constructively working to improve the situation

Loyalty: passively and constructively waiting and hoping for things to get better

Neglect: passively and destructively allowing things to get worse

Exit: active but destructive responses such as leaving the partner

Question 33

Voice and loyalty are more likely when a relationship has been satisfying in the past, but voice is more productive than loyalty

Exit is more frequently employed when attractive alternative partners are available

true or false?

Answer 33

true

Question 34

Accommodation

Answer 34

is advantageous. It is the ability to remain calm in the face of a lover’s temporary disregard

Accommodation occurs when partners respond to provocation by inhibiting the impulse to fight fire with fire

Question 35

couples who are able to swallow occasional provocation from each other without responding in kind tend to be happier than are those who are less tolerant and who always bite back. true or false?

Answer 35

true

Question 36

Volatile

Answer 36

couples have frequent and passionate arguments, but they temper their fights with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other

Question 37

Validators

Answer 37

fight more politely and calmly, behaving more like collaborators than antagonists

Question 38

Avoiders

Answer 38

rarely argue; they duck confrontation and often just try to fix problems on their own

Question 39

In contrast, hostiles are …

Answer 39

nastier to each other

Hostiles fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal

Question 40

Conflict is corrosive when it becomes venomous and acidic. true or false?

Answer 40

true

Question 41

Passionate conflict is not to be feared
as long as it is leavened with regard
for one’s partner

But under no circumstances should you allow a conflict to be sour, sarcastic, and surly.

true or false?

Answer 41

true

Question 42

domination

Answer 42

one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates.

Question 43

Compromise

Answer 43

occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found.

Question 44

Integrative agreements

Answer 44

satisfy both partners’ original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility

Question 45

structural improvement

Answer 45

the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship.

Question 46

The more unexpressed nuisances and irritants partners have,
the less satisfied with their relationships they tend to be

So, the prevailing view among conflict researchers is that
conflict is an essential tool with which to promote intimacy

It is the deft management of conflict, and not its absence,
that allows relationships to grow and prosper

Answer 46

true

Question 47

successful conflict management involves ______

Answer 47

self-control

Question 48

list of don’ts

Answer 48

Don’t withdraw when your partner raises a concern

Don’t go negative; stifle your sarcasm

Don’t get caught in a loop of negative affect reciprocity; if you start insulting each other, stop and take a break

Question 49

speaker-listener technique

Answer 49

provides a structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that promotes the use of active listening skills and increases the chances that partners will under-stand and validate each other despite their disagreement.

designed to interrupt the cycle of misperception

Question 50

Rules for the Speaker-Listener Technique:

Answer 50

The speaker has the floor
Share the floor
No problem solving
Speaker: Speak for yourself using I statements
Speaker: Stop and let the listener paraphrase
Listener: Paraphrase what you hear
Listener: Focus on the speaker’s message

Question 51

The fight effects profile assesses:

Answer 51

Hurt
Information
Resolution
Control
Fear
Trust
Revenge
Reconciliation
Relational Evaluation
Self-Evaluation
Cohesion-Affection