Ch. 11: Communication Flashcards
gottman’s four horsemen of apocalypse: predict divorce
- criticism: verbally attacking
- contempt: displays indicating no regard for person (nonverbal: rolling your eyes)
- defensiveness: “it’s not my fault”
- withdraw (stonewalling): refuse to discuss
self-disclosure
telling personal things about yourself (associated with sexual satisfaction, stimulates reciprocity)
Matching intent & impact
intent= what you mean impact= what the listener thinks you mean
leveling
telling you partner what you are feeling by stating your thoughts clearly, simply, and honestly
editing
censoring or not saying things that would be deliberately hurtful to your partner
I language
speak for yourself to avoid mindreading
documenting
give specific examples
Instead of buts, use ___
and
listening
actively trying to hear & understand what the other person is saying (don’t think about a response)
paraphrasing
saying in your own words what you thought your partner meant
validating
telling your partner that, given their point of view, you can understand why they think a certain way- you understand where they’re coming from (don’t have to agree- just validate)
draw partner out
“what can we do to make things better”
nonverbal communication
not only the words, but how we say them
the importance of cultural context
these are rules for good communication in the U.S & other western nation (diff. norms in other countries like Japan)
Fighting fair (arguing)
- no sarcastic or insulting remarks
- don’t bring up former boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses
- don’t play amateur psychologist
- don’t threaten to tell parents or run home
- don’t bring children into argument
- no dumping (dump all things you dislike over months/yrs & try to deal with problems one at a time)
- don’t hit & run
- don’t focus on blame
