Act I Flashcards

1
Q

MORTIMER

Well, Professor Beasly and Madame Isis. An interesting pairing.

MORTIMER opens door

A

That’s quite a meteorological phenomenon out there.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
2
Q

ISIS

Can you please stop him from saying things like that? He’s been talking that way ever since he picked me up.

A

I picked you up? Really? I’ll pick you up again later. How heavy are you?

Hand on chair, leaning

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
3
Q

ISIS

I’d rather pick lint out of my bellybutton than talk to you again.

A

That was a rather pernicious rejoinder.

Sit down

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
4
Q

ISIS

What?

A

I need a beverage.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
5
Q

MORTIMER

Red win spritzer?

MORTIMER produces a beverage

A

How did you know?

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
6
Q

GENERAL

Poor Dung.

A

Well, I had the same query when I perused the missive we received -

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
7
Q

TARRAGON

So where were we?

*After Tarragon rages & takes pills

A

I was curious about the same subject.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
8
Q

ISIS

Is that the military intelligence that you’re famous for?

A

I believe we all received a similar letter requesting our presence. Anonymously.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
9
Q

DAPHNE

I really need a place where I can get out of these wet clothes.

A

I can be of assistance.

Stand up on line

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
10
Q

DAPHNE

Could I please borrow a napkin?

A

*Produce napkin on line

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
11
Q

GENERAL

So…

A

*Get up to follow Daphne

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
12
Q

GENERAL

Where are you going?

A

I was just…going to the lavatory

Stop, embarrassed

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
13
Q

GENERAL

Sit.

A

Sorry.

Sit, annoyed

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
14
Q

CHARLOTTE

I mean, dinner is served!

A

This looks delectable.

Ad lib reactions as Charlotte brings out dessert

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
15
Q

DAPHNE

*Coming back from room

A

Just like Miss Daphne.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
16
Q

DAPHNE

*Right behind

A

Really, quite delectable. She is one speical little dish, isn’t she?

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
17
Q

DAPHNE

*Clears throat

A

Spectacular calves on her.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
18
Q

DAPHNE

*Sits next to Beasly

A

Oh.

Mad awkward

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
19
Q

ISIS

Do you like pretty things, Mr. Bilkem?

A

I do.

Sleazy, nodding

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
20
Q

TARRAGON

Me too.

*in reference to invitation

A

As did I.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
21
Q

DAPHNE

Well this is certainly disturbing.

*Before opening files

A

Do you need someone to hold you?

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
22
Q

MORTIMER

Oh wait, wrong instructions. Yeah, there’s a whole bunch of incriminating photos.

A

What could possibly be in here?

Take deep breath

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
23
Q

*Look inside envelope

A

Oh.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
24
Q

MR. UNO

I already have.

A

Well no one loves me, so I don’t really mind. Do your worst.

Step forward toward Uno

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
25
Q

TARRAGON

Ooh! What are you concocting in your basement?

A

Nothing.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
26
Q

MR. UNO

Yes, but what kind of brothel?

A

Yes what kind?

Point at Uno in agreeance?

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
27
Q

MR. UNO

The doors are in the process of being locked. But they will be soon. I will take me leave of you -

A

I must protest this development - I certainly cannot fulfill your request here -

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
28
Q

MR. UNO

You can and you will.

A

I’m not this kind of person, and I think if you want someone to do this, then you ought to blackmail someone entirely different, because what you ask is impossible.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
29
Q

ISIS

This is ridiculous! I’m certainly not going to do what it says here!

A

You heard him though. Cosequences.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
30
Q

GENERAL

We tie Egghead to a a tree and give him to Uno as a sacrifice. We give him a whole bunch of paper cuts to get the smell of blood in the air, and Uno’ll come running. Oh wait that’s vampires.

A

It’s Beasly actually. And that’s the most asinine plan I’ve ever heard.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
31
Q

GENERAL

Think about it honey.

*Exits

A

Of all the people to be blackmailed with, we have to be stuck with this ignoramus.

How well did you know this?
1
Not at all
2
3
4
5
Perfectly
32
Q

BILKEM

Then I’m not going to tell you.

*Exits

A

Listen, the only way we’re going to get out of this is if we allow ourselves to trust each other. I’ll take Miss Daphne in the other room and then we’ll reveal our secrets to each other, and then we’ll come back and tell you what they are and how it was.

33
Q

DAPHNE

What?

*trying to lure her away from everyone

A

This is no time for deliberation. Let’s go.

34
Q

DAPHNE

Why don’t we just do it here?

A

With all these people watching?

35
Q

TARRAGON

Nothing.

*right before exit w/Daphne

A

We don’t have time for this! Come along, Miss Daphne.

*Take Daphne’s hand & exit

36
Q

MORTIMER

Of course he’s dead!

A

*Enter from library w/ISIS

37
Q

GENERAL

He’s been shot.

A

Maybe it was a naturally occuring phenomenon. Certain plants have been known to emit projectiles with striking resemblance to the common bullet-

38
Q

BILKEM

Or shot then stabbed.

A

There also appears to be trauma to his head. As if he were struck by a blunt object of some kind.

39
Q

ISIS

Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.

*Uno has keys on him

A

Well, we’ll just have to spend the night. Looks like there are only five bedrooms. Miss Daphne and I will take the one at the far end of the hall-

40
Q

MORTIMER

You’re not the only one he’s blackmailing. Would you like to see my instructions?

A

Let’s see them.

41
Q

MORTIMER

Read it out loud.

*Hand Beasly a slip of paper

A

“Discover my killer.”

42
Q

MORTIMER

I assure you, I hadn’t even looked at it until just now.

A

This is absurd! I certainly can’t be considered a suspect! I was in the… the other place at the time.

43
Q

MORTIMER

But Mr. Uno wasn’t killed in this room.

A

How do you know that? And why are we listening to you anyway? You’re just a butler! If anyone should be deciphering the killer, it should be me, I’m the one with the genius level intellect! What kind of training do you have?

44
Q

MORTIMER

Which means, after being shot, stabbed, or bludegeoned, Mr. Uno stumbled from the library into the dining room, tripped over this chair, and landed upon Charlotte’s left buttock.

A

I think someone needs to re-enact the stumbling. I think it should be me.

*Rush over to chair

45
Q

GENERAL

Books! And who reads books?! Professors! Why? Because they think they’re smart! I think we have our killer. I say we take him down to the basement and beat a confession out of him.

A

This is preposterous.

46
Q

GENERAL

I learned a few things while I was captured by the Red Chinese back in ‘53. They didn’t work on me, but I have a hunch I can break this nancy-boy in thirty seconds. Of course, it’s more rewarding if you stretch it out over a month or two-

A

I wasn’t even in this room!

47
Q

BILKEM

But how did you know that?

*Daphne knowing about entomology

A

Yes how did you know that?

48
Q

GENERAL

The Department of Homeland Security does it.

A

Regardless, this proves nothing. I don’t even know how to shoot a gun.

49
Q

GENERAL

Figures. Pansy.

*in library

A

And where is this murder weapon anyway?

50
Q

MORTIMER

Could you empty your pockets please?

A

I don’t see why-

51
Q

*Feels gun in pocket

A

Well this is odd.

*Takes out gun

52
Q

DAPHNE

Oh professor. You’re a very dangerous man.

A

Really? I mean… This isn’t mine.

53
Q

GENERAL

Why you little sissy! I’ll see you dead before I see you in court!

A

General, please.

54
Q

GENERAL

It’s obviously the Professor. Now, get out of my way before I knock the fake British accent out of you.

*Storms off

A

Frankly, I believe he is our main suspect.

55
Q

DAPHNE

I think killers are sexy.

A

Oh really? Well, um… I didn’t-

56
Q

DAPHNE

Sorry about that, I was looking for the Professor.

A

I’m over here.

57
Q

CHARLOTTE

That’s me.

A

Sorry.

58
Q

MORTIMER

We all heard you threaten his life.

A

That’s right, that’s right, he threatened him!

59
Q

GENERAL

Now see here!

*Isis takes out handcuffs

A

You’ve just got those on you?

60
Q

GENERAL

If you think this chair can hold me, you’re sadly mistaken. I chewed my way through a brick wall back in ‘52.

A

Perhaps we should gag him.

61
Q

ISIS

Good idea.

*Isis takes out a gag

A

All right I’m not even going to ask.

62
Q

DAPHNE

You know what, I don’t appreciate those jokes. I never saw him before in my life.

A

Maybe the way to deduce the identity of the killer is to determine the identity of Mr. Uno.

63
Q

DAPHNE

What do you mean?

A

Well, who was he? How did he know this information about us? Because he had photographs of quite a number of disturbing things.

64
Q

ISIS

Well that explains a lot.

*Postal service

A

The postal service has always been my deadliest enemy.

65
Q

ISIS

No he didn’t.

*Daphne says “Bert”

A

I believe the time for secrets is past, Cynthia. You see, in addition to my extensive knowledge of entomolgy, I also happen to run a secret drug lab out of my basement using a series of genetically modified silkworms. Miss Daphne runs a distribution ring out of Guadalajara. And she is not in fact a woman, but a man.

66
Q

DAPHNE

What?

*after exposing drug ring

A

Okay, well it’s all true except for that last part.

67
Q

MORTIMER

So Uno threatened to expose your drug ring, so you killed him.

A

A brilliant deduction. But I didn’t kill him.

68
Q

MORTIMER

Come on in!

*Pause. No one enters.

A

Maybe it was the wind.

69
Q

DAPHNE

Wait a minute. We’re missing someone?

A

Where’s Mrs. Tarragon?

70
Q

DAPHNE

Hey someone died when we were all here together.

A

We’ll go off by twos. That way we’ll be safe.

71
Q

MORTIMER

Unless the person you’re with happens to be the killer.

A

Can’t you see, it’s obviously Mrs. Tarragon. She has no idea what she’s doing when she’s not drugged up. She can’t even remember what she did five minutes ago. And now she’s on the loose.

72
Q

ISIS

You’re awfully quick to deflect the blame from yourself, aren’t you?

A

And you’re quite content to fly under the radar. No one has investigated your motives for killing Mr. Uno yet, have they?

73
Q

ISIS

Can I just say that when someone gets killed because of this idiotic plan, it’s not my fault.

A

Could I please be paired with someone more attractive?

74
Q

DAPHNE

No wait don’t!

A

Ow!
It’s Mortimer!

*Trips over Mortimer

75
Q

MRS. UNO

Am I at the right house?

A

Um… maybe?

76
Q

MRS. UNO

What is going on here?

A

Dinner party.

*Tries to stand in front of Mortimer’s body

77
Q

CHARLOTTE

Ahhhh!

A

Well, Mrs. Uno, I hate to tell you, but your husband has been murdered.

78
Q

MRS. UNO

Murdered?

A

Exactly. But not to worry, because I know exactly who the killer is. And I can prove it.

*Lights out