Act I Flashcards
MORTIMER
Well, Professor Beasly and Madame Isis. An interesting pairing.
MORTIMER opens door
That’s quite a meteorological phenomenon out there.
ISIS
Can you please stop him from saying things like that? He’s been talking that way ever since he picked me up.
I picked you up? Really? I’ll pick you up again later. How heavy are you?
Hand on chair, leaning
ISIS
I’d rather pick lint out of my bellybutton than talk to you again.
That was a rather pernicious rejoinder.
Sit down
ISIS
What?
I need a beverage.
MORTIMER
Red win spritzer?
MORTIMER produces a beverage
How did you know?
GENERAL
Poor Dung.
Well, I had the same query when I perused the missive we received -
TARRAGON
So where were we?
*After Tarragon rages & takes pills
I was curious about the same subject.
ISIS
Is that the military intelligence that you’re famous for?
I believe we all received a similar letter requesting our presence. Anonymously.
DAPHNE
I really need a place where I can get out of these wet clothes.
I can be of assistance.
Stand up on line
DAPHNE
Could I please borrow a napkin?
*Produce napkin on line
GENERAL
So…
*Get up to follow Daphne
GENERAL
Where are you going?
I was just…going to the lavatory
Stop, embarrassed
GENERAL
Sit.
Sorry.
Sit, annoyed
CHARLOTTE
I mean, dinner is served!
This looks delectable.
Ad lib reactions as Charlotte brings out dessert
DAPHNE
*Coming back from room
Just like Miss Daphne.
DAPHNE
*Right behind
Really, quite delectable. She is one speical little dish, isn’t she?
DAPHNE
*Clears throat
Spectacular calves on her.
DAPHNE
*Sits next to Beasly
Oh.
Mad awkward
ISIS
Do you like pretty things, Mr. Bilkem?
I do.
Sleazy, nodding
TARRAGON
Me too.
*in reference to invitation
As did I.
DAPHNE
Well this is certainly disturbing.
*Before opening files
Do you need someone to hold you?
MORTIMER
Oh wait, wrong instructions. Yeah, there’s a whole bunch of incriminating photos.
What could possibly be in here?
Take deep breath
*Look inside envelope
Oh.
MR. UNO
I already have.
Well no one loves me, so I don’t really mind. Do your worst.
Step forward toward Uno
TARRAGON
Ooh! What are you concocting in your basement?
Nothing.
MR. UNO
Yes, but what kind of brothel?
Yes what kind?
Point at Uno in agreeance?
MR. UNO
The doors are in the process of being locked. But they will be soon. I will take me leave of you -
I must protest this development - I certainly cannot fulfill your request here -
MR. UNO
You can and you will.
I’m not this kind of person, and I think if you want someone to do this, then you ought to blackmail someone entirely different, because what you ask is impossible.
ISIS
This is ridiculous! I’m certainly not going to do what it says here!
You heard him though. Cosequences.
GENERAL
We tie Egghead to a a tree and give him to Uno as a sacrifice. We give him a whole bunch of paper cuts to get the smell of blood in the air, and Uno’ll come running. Oh wait that’s vampires.
It’s Beasly actually. And that’s the most asinine plan I’ve ever heard.
GENERAL
Think about it honey.
*Exits
Of all the people to be blackmailed with, we have to be stuck with this ignoramus.
BILKEM
Then I’m not going to tell you.
*Exits
Listen, the only way we’re going to get out of this is if we allow ourselves to trust each other. I’ll take Miss Daphne in the other room and then we’ll reveal our secrets to each other, and then we’ll come back and tell you what they are and how it was.
DAPHNE
What?
*trying to lure her away from everyone
This is no time for deliberation. Let’s go.
DAPHNE
Why don’t we just do it here?
With all these people watching?
TARRAGON
Nothing.
*right before exit w/Daphne
We don’t have time for this! Come along, Miss Daphne.
*Take Daphne’s hand & exit
MORTIMER
Of course he’s dead!
*Enter from library w/ISIS
GENERAL
He’s been shot.
Maybe it was a naturally occuring phenomenon. Certain plants have been known to emit projectiles with striking resemblance to the common bullet-
BILKEM
Or shot then stabbed.
There also appears to be trauma to his head. As if he were struck by a blunt object of some kind.
ISIS
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.
*Uno has keys on him
Well, we’ll just have to spend the night. Looks like there are only five bedrooms. Miss Daphne and I will take the one at the far end of the hall-
MORTIMER
You’re not the only one he’s blackmailing. Would you like to see my instructions?
Let’s see them.
MORTIMER
Read it out loud.
*Hand Beasly a slip of paper
“Discover my killer.”
MORTIMER
I assure you, I hadn’t even looked at it until just now.
This is absurd! I certainly can’t be considered a suspect! I was in the… the other place at the time.
MORTIMER
But Mr. Uno wasn’t killed in this room.
How do you know that? And why are we listening to you anyway? You’re just a butler! If anyone should be deciphering the killer, it should be me, I’m the one with the genius level intellect! What kind of training do you have?
MORTIMER
Which means, after being shot, stabbed, or bludegeoned, Mr. Uno stumbled from the library into the dining room, tripped over this chair, and landed upon Charlotte’s left buttock.
I think someone needs to re-enact the stumbling. I think it should be me.
*Rush over to chair
GENERAL
Books! And who reads books?! Professors! Why? Because they think they’re smart! I think we have our killer. I say we take him down to the basement and beat a confession out of him.
This is preposterous.
GENERAL
I learned a few things while I was captured by the Red Chinese back in ‘53. They didn’t work on me, but I have a hunch I can break this nancy-boy in thirty seconds. Of course, it’s more rewarding if you stretch it out over a month or two-
I wasn’t even in this room!
BILKEM
But how did you know that?
*Daphne knowing about entomology
Yes how did you know that?
GENERAL
The Department of Homeland Security does it.
Regardless, this proves nothing. I don’t even know how to shoot a gun.
GENERAL
Figures. Pansy.
*in library
And where is this murder weapon anyway?
MORTIMER
Could you empty your pockets please?
I don’t see why-
*Feels gun in pocket
Well this is odd.
*Takes out gun
DAPHNE
Oh professor. You’re a very dangerous man.
Really? I mean… This isn’t mine.
GENERAL
Why you little sissy! I’ll see you dead before I see you in court!
General, please.
GENERAL
It’s obviously the Professor. Now, get out of my way before I knock the fake British accent out of you.
*Storms off
Frankly, I believe he is our main suspect.
DAPHNE
I think killers are sexy.
Oh really? Well, um… I didn’t-
DAPHNE
Sorry about that, I was looking for the Professor.
I’m over here.
CHARLOTTE
That’s me.
Sorry.
MORTIMER
We all heard you threaten his life.
That’s right, that’s right, he threatened him!
GENERAL
Now see here!
*Isis takes out handcuffs
You’ve just got those on you?
GENERAL
If you think this chair can hold me, you’re sadly mistaken. I chewed my way through a brick wall back in ‘52.
Perhaps we should gag him.
ISIS
Good idea.
*Isis takes out a gag
All right I’m not even going to ask.
DAPHNE
You know what, I don’t appreciate those jokes. I never saw him before in my life.
Maybe the way to deduce the identity of the killer is to determine the identity of Mr. Uno.
DAPHNE
What do you mean?
Well, who was he? How did he know this information about us? Because he had photographs of quite a number of disturbing things.
ISIS
Well that explains a lot.
*Postal service
The postal service has always been my deadliest enemy.
ISIS
No he didn’t.
*Daphne says “Bert”
I believe the time for secrets is past, Cynthia. You see, in addition to my extensive knowledge of entomolgy, I also happen to run a secret drug lab out of my basement using a series of genetically modified silkworms. Miss Daphne runs a distribution ring out of Guadalajara. And she is not in fact a woman, but a man.
DAPHNE
What?
*after exposing drug ring
Okay, well it’s all true except for that last part.
MORTIMER
So Uno threatened to expose your drug ring, so you killed him.
A brilliant deduction. But I didn’t kill him.
MORTIMER
Come on in!
*Pause. No one enters.
Maybe it was the wind.
DAPHNE
Wait a minute. We’re missing someone?
Where’s Mrs. Tarragon?
DAPHNE
Hey someone died when we were all here together.
We’ll go off by twos. That way we’ll be safe.
MORTIMER
Unless the person you’re with happens to be the killer.
Can’t you see, it’s obviously Mrs. Tarragon. She has no idea what she’s doing when she’s not drugged up. She can’t even remember what she did five minutes ago. And now she’s on the loose.
ISIS
You’re awfully quick to deflect the blame from yourself, aren’t you?
And you’re quite content to fly under the radar. No one has investigated your motives for killing Mr. Uno yet, have they?
ISIS
Can I just say that when someone gets killed because of this idiotic plan, it’s not my fault.
Could I please be paired with someone more attractive?
DAPHNE
No wait don’t!
Ow!
It’s Mortimer!
*Trips over Mortimer
MRS. UNO
Am I at the right house?
Um… maybe?
MRS. UNO
What is going on here?
Dinner party.
*Tries to stand in front of Mortimer’s body
CHARLOTTE
Ahhhh!
Well, Mrs. Uno, I hate to tell you, but your husband has been murdered.
MRS. UNO
Murdered?
Exactly. But not to worry, because I know exactly who the killer is. And I can prove it.
*Lights out
