Act I Flashcards by Ethan McCoy

MORTIMER

Well, Professor Beasly and Madame Isis. An interesting pairing.

MORTIMER opens door

That’s quite a meteorological phenomenon out there.

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ISIS

Can you please stop him from saying things like that? He’s been talking that way ever since he picked me up.

I picked you up? Really? I’ll pick you up again later. How heavy are you?

Hand on chair, leaning

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ISIS

I’d rather pick lint out of my bellybutton than talk to you again.

That was a rather pernicious rejoinder.

Sit down

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ISIS

What?

I need a beverage.

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MORTIMER

Red win spritzer?

MORTIMER produces a beverage

How did you know?

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GENERAL

Poor Dung.

Well, I had the same query when I perused the missive we received -

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TARRAGON

So where were we?

*After Tarragon rages & takes pills

I was curious about the same subject.

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ISIS

Is that the military intelligence that you’re famous for?

I believe we all received a similar letter requesting our presence. Anonymously.

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DAPHNE

I really need a place where I can get out of these wet clothes.

I can be of assistance.

Stand up on line

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DAPHNE

Could I please borrow a napkin?

*Produce napkin on line

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GENERAL

So…

*Get up to follow Daphne

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GENERAL

Where are you going?

I was just…going to the lavatory

Stop, embarrassed

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GENERAL

Sit.

Sorry.

Sit, annoyed

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CHARLOTTE

I mean, dinner is served!

This looks delectable.

Ad lib reactions as Charlotte brings out dessert

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DAPHNE

*Coming back from room

Just like Miss Daphne.

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DAPHNE

*Right behind

Really, quite delectable. She is one speical little dish, isn’t she?

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DAPHNE

*Clears throat

Spectacular calves on her.

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DAPHNE

*Sits next to Beasly

Oh.

Mad awkward

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ISIS

Do you like pretty things, Mr. Bilkem?

I do.

Sleazy, nodding

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TARRAGON

Me too.

*in reference to invitation

As did I.

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DAPHNE

Well this is certainly disturbing.

*Before opening files

Do you need someone to hold you?

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MORTIMER

Oh wait, wrong instructions. Yeah, there’s a whole bunch of incriminating photos.

What could possibly be in here?

Take deep breath

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*Look inside envelope

Oh.

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MR. UNO

I already have.

Well no one loves me, so I don’t really mind. Do your worst.

Step forward toward Uno

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# TARRAGON Ooh! What are you concocting in your basement?

Nothing.

# MR. UNO Yes, but what kind of brothel?

Yes what kind? ## Footnote Point at Uno in agreeance?

# MR. UNO The doors are in the process of being locked. But they will be soon. I will take me leave of you -

I must protest this development - I certainly cannot fulfill your request here -

# MR. UNO You can and you will.

I'm not this kind of person, and I think if you want someone to do this, then you ought to blackmail someone entirely different, because what you ask is impossible.

# ISIS This is ridiculous! I'm certainly not going to do what it says here!

You heard him though. Cosequences.

# GENERAL We tie Egghead to a a tree and give him to Uno as a sacrifice. We give him a whole bunch of paper cuts to get the smell of blood in the air, and Uno'll come running. Oh wait that's vampires.

It's Beasly actually. And that's the most asinine plan I've ever heard.

# GENERAL Think about it honey. | *Exits

Of all the people to be blackmailed with, we have to be stuck with this ignoramus.

# BILKEM Then I'm not going to tell you. | *Exits

Listen, the only way we're going to get out of this is if we allow ourselves to trust each other. I'll take Miss Daphne in the other room and then we'll reveal our secrets to each other, and then we'll come back and tell you what they are and how it was.

# DAPHNE What? | *trying to lure her away from everyone

This is no time for deliberation. Let's go.

# DAPHNE Why don't we just do it here?

With all these people watching?

# TARRAGON Nothing. | *right before exit w/Daphne

We don't have time for this! Come along, Miss Daphne. | *Take Daphne's hand & exit

# MORTIMER Of course he's dead!

*Enter from library w/ISIS

# GENERAL He's been shot.

Maybe it was a naturally occuring phenomenon. Certain plants have been known to emit projectiles with striking resemblance to the common bullet-

# BILKEM Or shot then stabbed.

There also appears to be trauma to his head. As if he were struck by a blunt object of some kind.

# ISIS Oh you've got to be kidding me. | *Uno has keys on him

Well, we'll just have to spend the night. Looks like there are only five bedrooms. Miss Daphne and I will take the one at the far end of the hall-

# MORTIMER You're not the only one he's blackmailing. Would you like to see my instructions?

Let's see them.

# MORTIMER Read it out loud. | *Hand Beasly a slip of paper

"Discover my killer."

# MORTIMER I assure you, I hadn't even looked at it until just now.

This is absurd! I certainly can't be considered a suspect! I was in the... the other place at the time.

# MORTIMER But Mr. Uno wasn't killed in this room.

How do you know that? And why are we listening to you anyway? You're just a butler! If anyone should be deciphering the killer, it should be me, I'm the one with the genius level intellect! What kind of training do you have?

# MORTIMER Which means, after being shot, stabbed, or bludegeoned, Mr. Uno stumbled from the library into the dining room, tripped over this chair, and landed upon Charlotte's left buttock.

I think someone needs to re-enact the stumbling. I think it should be me. | *Rush over to chair

# GENERAL Books! And who reads books?! Professors! Why? Because they think they're smart! I think we have our killer. I say we take him down to the basement and beat a confession out of him.

This is preposterous.

# GENERAL I learned a few things while I was captured by the Red Chinese back in '53. They didn't work on me, but I have a hunch I can break this nancy-boy in thirty seconds. Of course, it's more rewarding if you stretch it out over a month or two-

I wasn't even in this room!

# BILKEM But how did you know that? | *Daphne knowing about entomology

Yes how did you know that?

# GENERAL The Department of Homeland Security does it.

Regardless, this proves nothing. I don't even know how to shoot a gun.

# GENERAL Figures. Pansy. | *in library

And where is this murder weapon anyway?

# MORTIMER Could you empty your pockets please?

I don't see why-

*Feels gun in pocket

Well this is odd. | *Takes out gun

# DAPHNE Oh professor. You're a very dangerous man.

Really? I mean... This isn't mine.

# GENERAL Why you little sissy! I'll see you dead before I see you in court!

General, please.

# GENERAL It's obviously the Professor. Now, get out of my way before I knock the fake British accent out of you. | *Storms off

Frankly, I believe he is our main suspect.

# DAPHNE I think killers are sexy.

Oh really? Well, um... I didn't-

# DAPHNE Sorry about that, I was looking for the Professor.

I'm over here.

# CHARLOTTE That's me.

Sorry.

# MORTIMER We all heard you threaten his life.

That's right, that's right, he threatened him!

# GENERAL Now see here! | *Isis takes out handcuffs

You've just got those on you?

# GENERAL If you think this chair can hold me, you're sadly mistaken. I chewed my way through a brick wall back in '52.

Perhaps we should gag him.

# ISIS Good idea. | *Isis takes out a gag

All right I'm not even going to ask.

# DAPHNE You know what, I don't appreciate those jokes. I never saw him before in my life.

Maybe the way to deduce the identity of the killer is to determine the identity of Mr. Uno.

# DAPHNE What do you mean?

Well, who was he? How did he know this information about us? Because he had photographs of quite a number of disturbing things.

# ISIS Well that explains a lot. | *Postal service

The postal service has always been my deadliest enemy.

# ISIS No he didn't. | *Daphne says "Bert"

I believe the time for secrets is past, Cynthia. You see, in addition to my extensive knowledge of entomolgy, I also happen to run a secret drug lab out of my basement using a series of genetically modified silkworms. Miss Daphne runs a distribution ring out of Guadalajara. And she is not in fact a woman, but a man.

# DAPHNE What? | *after exposing drug ring

Okay, well it's all true except for that last part.

# MORTIMER So Uno threatened to expose your drug ring, so you killed him.

A brilliant deduction. But I didn't kill him.

# MORTIMER Come on in! | *Pause. No one enters.

Maybe it was the wind.

# DAPHNE Wait a minute. We're missing someone?

Where's Mrs. Tarragon?

# DAPHNE Hey someone died when we were all here together.

We'll go off by twos. That way we'll be safe.

# MORTIMER Unless the person you're with happens to be the killer.

Can't you see, it's obviously Mrs. Tarragon. She has no idea what she's doing when she's not drugged up. She can't even remember what she did five minutes ago. And now she's on the loose.

# ISIS You're awfully quick to deflect the blame from yourself, aren't you?

And you're quite content to fly under the radar. No one has investigated your motives for killing Mr. Uno yet, have they?

# ISIS Can I just say that when someone gets killed because of this idiotic plan, it's not my fault.

Could I please be paired with someone more attractive?

# DAPHNE No wait don't!

Ow! It's Mortimer! | *Trips over Mortimer

# MRS. UNO Am I at the right house?

Um... maybe?

# MRS. UNO What is going on here?

Dinner party. | *Tries to stand in front of Mortimer's body

# CHARLOTTE Ahhhh!

Well, Mrs. Uno, I hate to tell you, but your husband has been murdered.

# MRS. UNO Murdered?

Exactly. But not to worry, because I know exactly who the killer is. And I can prove it. | *Lights out