Week 7: Betrayal, Trust & Forgiveness

Question 0

Acts of betrayal

Answer 0

• Infidelity: underlies 25-50% of divorces in Western countries
• 4 types
  • accidental
  • romantic
  • marital arrangement
  • philandering

Question 1

Betrayals and breaking relationship rules

Answer 1

• betrayal is violated expectations
• perceptions of betrayal differ, depending on the kind of relationship and relevant relationship ‘rules’
• may involve taboo trade-offs e.g. Money for love

Question 2

Consequences of infidelity

Answer 2

• damaged self-esteem, self-confidence, sexual confidence
• feelings of abandonment
• attacks on sense of belonging
• “post-traumatic shock”

Question 3

Deception and lies

Answer 3

Frequent feature of close relationships, despite partners truth bias
- more than 70% of respondents has lied to partners
Continuum of deception
- omission to outright lies
- degrees of evasion, exaggeration

Question 4

Reasons for deception

Answer 4

Predominantly focused on avoiding hurting partner

Problem: abuse of power, humiliation

Question 5

Discovering betrayal

Answer 5

• Accident vs looked for
• Betrayal cues (Shackelford & Buss, 1997)
  • partner being angry/critical and acting guilty/anxious
  • unaccountable increase/decrease in attention and sexual interest
  • any change to normal routine
• Confession

Question 6

Reacting to betrayal

Answer 6

• pain and distress
• cognitive searching: attributions
• jealousy: anger, anxiety and sadness

Question 7

Accounting for betrayal

Answer 7

4 types
- mitigating (sincere, sorry)
- excuses, extenuating circumstances
- defensive, justifications
- aggravating - denials, no responsibility
Preferred accounts
- victims prefer mitigating than aggravating accounts
- offenders believe victims will react more favorably to mitigating this aggravating accounts
- the role of apology: redressed power imbalance but must be sincere to be effective

Question 8

Betrayals, guilt and remorse

Answer 8

• essential for forgiveness to occur
• regarded as sign of caring
• motivates relationship repair
• serve as down payment for victim’s distress

Question 9

Revenge and betrayal

Answer 9

• “the infliction of harm in return for perceived wrong”
  • helps even the score
  • encourages tit for tat cycles
• different perceptions of betrayer as betrayed
• adaptive functions of revenge
  • can restore self-esteem, power balance and motivate behaviour change

Question 10

Forgiveness research

Answer 10

• accommodation (Rusbult et al., 1991)
  • linked to commitment and investment in relationship
  • commitment promotes forgiveness
• may also be motivated by empathic distress

Question 11

Fitness (2001) study on forgiveness

Answer 11

• respondents recalled self or partner-caused, forgiven or in-forgiven offences
• reported offences: betrayals, violations of relationship rules
• differences in self vs partner perspectives (self-more excusing)!

Question 12

Forgiven vs unforgiven

Answer 12

• offence repetition vs one-off
• cheater detection mechanism
• emphasis in forgiven accounts on guilt and remorse
• emphasis in un-forgiven accounts on retaliation, exit behaviors and abuse

Question 13

Not forgiving a sorry partner

Answer 13

• offence just “broke the rules”
• betrayal severity (80%): how could someone who loved me do such a thing?
• repentant but un-forgiven self-offenders and painfulness of offence had made forgiveness impossible

Question 14

Forgiving a ‘not sorry’ partner

Answer 14

• extenuating circumstances
• passage of time
• sake of relationship
• love

Question 15

Unrepentant self-offenders

Answer 15

Explanation they were forgiven because:

• of extenuating circumstances
• partners loved them
• might unrepentant offenders misinterpret reasons for partners forgiveness
• possibly may assume permission to re-offend, based in assumption of unconditional love

Question 16

Punishment - betrayal

Answer 16

Forgiven offences
- reminders of offences (& teasing)
Un-forgiven offences
- abuse, denunciation, destruction of possessions, abandonment
Motivated by need to
communicate hurt, regain power, deterrence
Chilli sauce study
- participants in experimental condition gave sig more hot sauce to partners than participants in control group
- some participants took delight
- women punished more than men
- degree of punishment was moderated by relationship happiness

Question 17

Problem with punishment

Answer 17

Forgiving should mean forgetting 
- statute of limitations on punishment 
Why not forgive? 
- might exonerate offender 
- lose power 
Problem: offender becomes victim

Question 18

Consequences of betrayal

Answer 18

• Exit?
• voice, loyalty, neglect
• repairing trust - very difficult
• trust requires predictability, dependability, faith - can it be completely restored?
• high vs low trust individuals

Question 19

Repairing relationships following betrayal

Answer 19

• reformulation (change the rules)
• prevention (avoid conflict areas)
• minimization (no big deal)
• justification (focus on positives)

Question 20

Individual differences in reaction to betrayal

Answer 20

• interpersonal betrayal scale
• attachment styles
• rejection sensitivity
• self-esteem