Week 10 - Attachment and Love

Question 1

The people we love can be a resource or a burden

Answer 1

Support, companionship, self-regulation OR

Support failures, rejection/neglect, harmful influences

Question 2

Attachment Theory:

Answer 2

Separation from caregivers produces problems

Children with stable parental relationships develop stable close relationships

Development of attachment system – regulates proximity‐seeking behaviours connecting infants and caregivers

Question 3

Mary Ainsworth ‐ Strange situation

Answer 3

1. Caregiver and child are invited into a novel room.
2. Caregiver and child are left alone. Child is free to explore. 523
3. Stranger enters, sits down, talks to caregiver, and then tries to engage child in play.
4. Caregiver leaves. Stranger and child are alone.
5. Caregiver returns for the first reunion, and stranger leaves unobtrusively. Caregiver settles child, if necessary, and then withdraws to a chair in the room.
6. Caregiver leaves. Child is alone.
7. Stranger returns and tries to settle child, if necessary, and then withdraws to the chair.
8. Caregiver returns for the second reunion, and stranger leaves unobtrusively. Caregiver settles child and then withdraws to the chair.

Question 4

Attachment Styles
Secure

Answer 4

Healthy communication style

Able to ask for help when needed

Can self-regulate emotions

Secure - it is easy for me to become emotionally close

Question 5

Attachment Styles
Anxious

Answer 5

Clinginess
Fear of abandonment
Needs constant reassurance

Anxious/preoccupied - i want to be emotionally intimate but often find others are reluctant to get close

Question 6

Attachment Styles
Avoidant

Answer 6

Difficulty expressing emotions
Tends to emotionally withdraw from others
Unwilling to ask for help

Question 7

Attachment Styles
Disorganized

Answer 7

Incorporates characteristics of anxious and avoidant styles
Fear of rejection but difficulty with intimacy
Low self-worth

Unresolved/disorganized - often related ot trauma - cannot tolerate emotional closeness. Argumentative, abusive, antisocial

Question 8

Attachment patterns predict functioning many years later

Answer 8

Secure attachment - preschool children adapt better to parental absence and relate to strangers

Insecure attachment - preschool children get tongue-tied with strangers

Long-term outcomes- relationship problems, mental disorders, conduct problems

Question 9

Secure Adult Attachment

Answer 9

Comfort with emotional closeness, lack of abandonment concern

Successful at recruiting care - better coping

Less intense grief

HIgher physical energy

More able to pursue optimal human functioning

Question 10

Insecure Attachment

Answer 10

Insecurely attached children seem tongue-tied when communicating with adults, and they had general difficulty relating to their caregivers

long-term consequences of insecure attachment, such as relationship problems, emotional disorders, mental disorders, and conduct problems

Question 11

adolescents - signs that their parents loved them

Question 12

adolescents - signs that their parents loved them

Answer 12

researchers found that adolescents as a group viewed encouragement, affection, and instrumental support from their parents as signs that their parents loved them

Question 13

Certain styles of attachment may also predict the development of compassionate love,

Answer 13

positively predicted by a secure dispositional style as opposed to one that is more avoidant or dismissing

compassionate love appears to affect the relationship between the level of sacredness a couple gives their marriage and the satisfaction they feel in their marriage

researchers looked at couples who viewed their marriage as sacred and found that those high in this perception were higher in compassionate love for one another, and this was strongly related to marital satisfaction
people high in compassionate love may be more compassionate to members of different racial groups and developing compassionate love for this purpose might decrease bias and prejudice

Question 14

Love
Greek terms, that define this primary emotional experience:

Answer 14

(1) eros, the search for the beautiful;
(2) philia, the affection in friendship;
(3) nomos, submission and obedience to the divine; and
(4) agape, or the bestowal of love by the divine.

Question 15

What’s the difference between Attachment and Love?

Answer 15

Maybe nothing
Same motivational system and parallel behaviors

Question 16

Parts of Romantic Love
Romantic love is characterized by intense arousal and warm affection

Answer 16

Passionate love - (the intense arousal that fuels a romantic union) involves a state of absorption between two people that often is accompanied by moods ranging from ecstasy to anguish.

Companionate love - . Companionate love (the soothing, steady warmth that sustains a relationship) is manifested in a strong bond and an intertwining of lives that brings about feelings of comfort and peace

Question 17

Triangular Theory of love

Answer 17

love is a mix of three components:
(1) passion, or physical attractiveness and romantic drives;
(2) intimacy, or feelings of closeness and connectedness; and
(3) commitment, involving the decision to initiate and sustain a relationship

intimacy and passion combined produce romantic love

intimacy and commitment together constitute companionate love.

Consummate love, the most durable type, is manifested when all three components (passion, intimacy, commitment)

commitment was the best predictor of relationship satisfaction in these opposite-sex relationships, especially for the long-term partnerships

Question 18

Culture is associated with romantic love behaviors

Answer 18

U.S. participants identified “friendship and comfort love” as a key component of romantic love, these features were nonexistent in the other two samples - russian and Lithuanian

Different cultural practices such as arranged marriages

Value of love in society

Emotional investment

Verbal expressions of love –verbal expression of love, particularly a public declaration of this love, was much less common in Germany when compared with U.S. participants

Physical expressions of love

Men report falling in love more times than women
Perhaps due to definition - unrequited, requited
Intercultural couples in US
How does this relate positive psychology - more research is needed

Question 19

Minding definition

Knowing and Being Known

Answer 19

“reciprocal knowing process involving the nonstop, interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of persons in a relationship”

Knowing and Being Known
—-mindfulness is a conscious process - moment-to moment effort.
—each partner in the relationship must want to know the other person’s hopes, dreams, fears, vulnerabilities, and uncertainties.
—-balance between their own self-expression and learning about the other person

Question 20

Minding

Making Relationship Enhancing Attributions for behaviors

Answer 20

Attributing positive behaviors to dispositional causes and negative behaviors to external, situational causes may be the most adaptive approach to making sense of another person’s behavior

Making charitable attributions (i.e., going beyond the benefit of the doubt; T. Krieshok, personal communication, June 21, 2005) occasionally can resolve conflicts before they become divisive

Question 21

Minding

Accepting and respecting

Answer 21

requires an empathic connection along with refined social skills

mindful acceptance of personal strengths and weaknesses is necessary for the continued development of the relationship

Question 22

Minding

Maintaining reciprocity and continuity in minding.

Answer 22

“Each partner’s active participation and involvement in relationship-enhancing thoughts and behavior

A lack of conscious engagement displayed by one partner can lead to frustration or contempt on the part of the other partner - require planning and strategizing to become closer as the relationship matures.

Question 23

Flourishing Relationships
The Benefits of Marriage?

Answer 23

But wait….correlation does not equal causation!!

Happy people may be more likely to be married ◦

Happiness peaks right before marriage (Clark et al., 2008)

Happiness in marriage vs. cohabitation

No differences (Perelli-Harris, 2019)

Question 24

The Benefits of Marriage Happy Long-Term Relationships

Answer 24

Marriage increases long-term happiness

Lower risk of disease – cardiovascular, respiratory

Living a long life (Terman study: Tucker et al., 1996)

Those who stayed married (and those who never married!)

Question 25

The Gottmans’ Love Lab

Answer 25

Studied thousands of married couples and can now predict relationship success with 91% accuracy!

They have a “Love Lab” and ask couples to engage in a 15-minute conversation.

The Magic Ratio is 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction.

Healthy = 5:1
Unhealthy = 1:1

Question 26

“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

Answer 26

1 - Criticism – verbal attacks of personality or character.
“You always talk about yourself. Why are you so selfish?”

2 - Defensiveness – victimizing yourself to avoid attack and reverse blame
“It’s not my fault we’re late. It’s your fault because you always get ready at the last second. “

3 - Contempt – attacking sense of self with an intent to insult
“You forgot to load the dishwasher again. Ugh. You are so lazy. (rolls eyes)”

4 - Stonewalling – withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval

Question 27

Creating a Culture of Appreciation

Answer 27

Gottman’s “Sound relationship house” theory has guided his work
His theory led to the notion that sharing appreciation honours partner’ contributions ◦
—The partner receives appreciation positively
—-Appreciation prevents contempt

The Takeaway? Say thanks to your partner.
Thanks for taking out the garbage.
Thanks for making coffee.
Thanks for your big contribution

Question 28

Forgiveness - McCullough (1998; 2000): Prosocial motivation

Answer 28

Less desire for avoidance; less desire to harm or seek revenge

Increased desire to act positively

Question 29

Enright (1998): Abandon resentment and cultivate compassion

Answer 29

defined forgiveness as “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her”

crucial that the forgiving person develop a benevolent stance toward the transgressing person

Question 30

Tangney (1999):

Answer 30

Cognitive-affective transformation
Victim assesses the harm
Victim “cancels the debt”
Victim cancels the negative emotions

Individual removes him/herself from the victim role

Question 31

Forgiveness parallels the stages of recovery from psychological trauma.

impact stage 1

Answer 31

To a search for meaning or understanding of what happened to them.

there is typically a rampage of negative emotions—hurt, fear, and anger. At this time, the partners may swing from numbness to very bad feelings

Question 32

Forgiveness parallels the stages of recovery from psychological trauma.

meaning stage 2

Answer 32

the partners search desperately to comprehend why the affair happened

Question 33

Forgiveness parallels the stages of recovery from psychological trauma.
Recovery stage, in which they “get on with their lives”

Answer 33

Last, the couple slowly begins to recapture a sense of control over their lives; a major goal in this stage is to keep the affair from ruling every waking thought of these two people

Question 34

Cultivating Forgiveness: Forgiving Another Person

Gordon and colleagues (2004, 2005) therapy experiences with couples dealing with forgiveness as a result of infidelities

Sell (2016) studied intentional forgetting

Answer 34

Requires perspective taking and empathy

Gordon and colleagues (2004, 2005) therapy experiences with couples dealing with forgiveness as a result of infidelities

Promote a realistic appraisal of the relationship
Release negative affect/rumination toward the violating partner
Help the victimized partner lessen their desire to punish

Sell (2016) studied intentional forgetting
More likely to forgive Parallels to stages of psychological trauma
Impact to search for meaning to recovery

Question 35

Cultivating Forgiveness: Forgiving Oneself

Answer 35

Required when feeling shame or guilt
Shame: I am bad
Guilt: I did something bad
To correct for such guilt, some sort of reparative action is warranted, such as confessing or apologizing

Question 36

Cultivating Forgiveness: Forgiving Oneself

Jacinto and Edwards (2011) outline four therapeutic stages:

Answer 36

Recognition - refers to the awareness of the individual that self-forgiveness is justified.

Responsibility - the stage of responsibility is a basic “owning” of the transgressions the individual feels they have committed

Expression- an active emotion-approach stage in which the individual works on expressing the emotions related to the incident and dialogs about these feelings.

Recreating - helps individuals create a new self-image that acknowledges the past but looks toward and informs the future

Question 37

Cultivating Forgiveness: Forgiving of a Situation

Answer 37

Forgiveness can be applied to non-people
Example: tornadoes
Stop thoughts about
negative life events and look ahead toward future

Research examining forgiveness of abusive partner (Gordon et al., 2004) showed that forgiveness led to returning to the violent situation

Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to positive outcomes!
Maladaptive behavior from self-forgiveness
Smokers forgave themselves for smoking – they continued to smoke! (Wohl & Thompson, 2011)

Question 38

forgiveness represents a process that has an adaptive evolutionary advantage in that it helps to preserve the social structure.

Answer 38

First, by necessity, forgiveness involves a person’s sense of self because it is this source that is damaged during transgression by another.

Injury to the self is registered via sensorimotor input, and this input is mediated by the limbic system, the sympathetic nervous system, and the hypothalamus

Third, initiation of the reconciliation process by the person transgressed against involves activation of the temporal, parietal, and frontal lobes, along with limbic system input. Some research suggests that the ventromedial prefrontal cortex plays a key role when deciding to forgive a deception

the actual outward direction of the forgiveness occurs through the limbic system and is associated with positive emotions.

Question 39

Individual and Cultural Variations in Forgiveness

Answer 39

There may be differences in defining forgiveness
Pardoning or moving on (Ballester et al., 2009)

Might be developmental process
The older you are, the more likely you are to forgive (Steiner et al., 2011, 2012)

Harmony can dictate forgiveness
Collectivist norms dictate forgiveness, even in situations where Westerners would be unlikely to forgive (Paz et al., 2008)

Religiosity; varies by culture
In religions, ‘forgive and forget’ go hand in hand

In psychology, that’s not true. We can forgive without reconciliation (Frise & McMinn, 2010)

Question 40

Forgiveness and its Outcomes

Answer 40

Less rumination, less depression, less narcissistic entitlement

More longevity

Satisfaction and relationship maintenance

Final note: forgiveness has many benefits, but consequences may not always be positive. We are cautioned to look carefully at the situation before employing forgiveness strategies.

those who forgive are said to be less ruminative, are less depressed, and possess less narcissistic entitlement

longevity is also associated with practicing forgiveness, as is satisfaction within relationships
consequences of forgiveness may not always be positive