Science, Medicine & Therapy Jokes

Question 1

What’s that joke about a doctor during surgery?

Answer 1

Q: What’s a four letter word you never want to hear a doctor say during surgery?

A: Oops.

Question 2

What’s that joke about writing letters to people you hate?

Answer 2

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

Question 3

What’s that joke about dead batteries?

Answer 3

I gave all my dead batteries away.

Free of charge.

Question 4

What’s that joke about trusting atoms?

Answer 4

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

A: Because they make up everything.

Question 5

What’s that joke about the topic of global warming?

Answer 5

Be careful when you bring up the topic of global warming.

It’s a very heated topic.

Question 6

What’s that joke about a flat earth?

Answer 6

70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated.

So the earth is, in fact, flat.

Question 7

What’s that joke about narcissism?

Answer 7

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

Question 8

What’s that joke about crying in therapy?

Answer 8

“After 12 years of therapy, my shrink said something that brought tears to my eyes.”

“What did he say?”

“‘No hablo inglés.’” [I don’t speak English]

Explanation: By saying “no hablo inglés,” the therapist is implying that they did not understand anything that was said in the past 12 years of therapy.

Question 9

What’s that joke about botox and plastic surgery?

Answer 9

People are so into plastic surgery nowadays.

I mean you mention botox… and no one even raises an eyebrow.

Question 10

What’s that joke about psychiatrists?

Answer 10

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

Question 11

What’s that therapy joke about vengeance?

Answer 11

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge.

We’ll see about that.

Tip: Say the punchline while punching into the palm of your hand, in a gesture that conveys “I’ll show him!”

Question 12

What’s that joke about a traveling photon?

Answer 12

A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he has any luggage.

The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Explanation: In physics, a photon is a particle of light, which moves at the speed of light.

Question 13

What’s that joke about narcissists?

OR that joke about the world revolving around you?

Answer 13

Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

Question 14

What’s are some easy chemistry puns?

Answer 14

I tell chemistry jokes periodically.

Think I’m gonna stop? I don’t zinc so.

I’m gonna keep going until I get a reaction.

Question 15

What’s that joke about a song stuck in your head?

OR that joke about the movie Grease?

Answer 15

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head.

He said, “Tell me more.”

Explanation: There is a popular scene in the movie Grease where John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John sing a song called Summer Nights.

“Tell me more, tell me more…” is a part of the song’s chorus.

Question 16

What’s that science joke about a neutron in a bar?

Answer 16

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it costs for a beer.

The bartender replies, “For you, my friend, no charge.”

Explanation: Unlike protons and electrons, neutrons have no positive or negative charge.

Question 17

What’s that joke about HIPAA?

(The U.S. healthcare privacy law)

Answer 17

You: knock knock

Them: Who’s there?

You: HIPAA.

Them: HIPAA who?

You: …I can’t tell you…

Explanation: The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA) is a federal law that required the creation of national standards to protect sensitive patient health information from being disclosed without the patient’s consent or knowledge.

Question 18

What’s that joke about the effects of alcohol on someone’s gait?

Answer 18

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk.

The result was staggering.

Question 19

What’s that joke about closure?

Answer 19

There are two types of people in this world: Those who like a good sense of closure, and…

[Just look away and stop talking]

Question 20

What’s that joke about a suspicious mole?

Answer 20

Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way, and I should have left him in the garden.

Question 21

What’s that joke about the Backstreet Boys?

Answer 21

I told my therapist I feel like I’ve been hearing the Backstreet Boys EVERYWHERE.

And she said “Tell me why.”

Explanation: This joke references a popular Backstreet Boys song, in which they sang “Tell me why /
Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache / Tell me why / Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake / Tell me why / I never wanna hear you say / I want it that way.”

Question 22

What’s that joke about a scientist’s pants?

Answer 22

Q: What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday?

A: Genes.

Question 23

What’s that joke about blood in your veins?

Answer 23

Did you know you can hear the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely.

Tip: Pronounce varicosely in a somewhat sly way, so that it sounds more like very closely.

Question 24

What’s that joke about Freudian slips?

Answer 24

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

Explanation: A Freudian slip refers to an error in communication or memory that Freud believed reveals desires and urges from your unconscious mind.

This joke plays on the trope that people blame all their psychological issues on their mother.

Question 25

What’s that joke about buffer solutions?

Answer 25

Q: Why did the acid go to the gym?

A: To become a buffer solution!

Explanation: A “buffer solution” is a chemistry term for a solution that resists changes in pH when acid or alkali is added to it.

Meanwhile, “buff” is slang for “muscular.”

Question 26

What’s that joke about Rorschach ink-blot tests?

Answer 26

My psychiatrist’s Rorschach ink-blot tests are so stupid.

They’re just pictures of my parents fighting.

Explanation: The Rorschach test is a projective psychological test in which subjects’ perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation.

This joke is funny because the teller acts so naive that s/he believes the inkblots are so obviously their parents fighting (and is thus presumably deeply disturbed by it).

Question 27

What’s that joke about a clown attack?

OR that joke about the jugular vein?

Answer 27

Q: What should you do if you’re attacked by a group of clowns?

A: Go straight for the juggler.

Tip: Be sure to articulate the distinct sounds of juggler so that it sounds a bit more like jugular.

Jugular veins refer to any of several large veins in the neck that carry blood from the head and face.

They are a common target by assassins when going in for the kill.

Question 28

What’s that joke about expressing feelings?

Answer 28

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Question 29

What’s that joke about phlegm?

Answer 29

Do you know what phlegm is?

Well, you may think it’s funny, but it’s snot.

Question 30

What’s that joke about seeing patients?

Answer 30

“Doctor, there’s a man here to see you who thinks he’s invisible.”

“Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

Question 31

What’s that joke about noble gases?

Answer 31

Q: Why did the noble gas cry?

A: Because all his friends argon.

Tip: Be sure to pronounce “are gone” slowly and make it sound like the element “argon.”

Question 32

What’s that joke about laxatives?

Answer 32

I bought some expensive laxatives from my pharmacy…

They gave me a good run for my money!