Family and Relationship Jokes Flashcards
Share hilarious moments and tighten family bonds with jokes that tickle funny bones and celebrate the quirks of relationships.
What’s that joke about waiting for your date at the gym?
I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she didn’t show up.
That’s when I knew we weren’t going to work out.
What’s that joke about the difference between a best friend and a girlfriend?
Q: Why is “girlfriend” one word but “best friend” is two words?
A: Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
What’s that joke about always giving 100%?
Whatever you do always give 100%.
Unless you are donating blood.
What’s that joke about arguing on an elevator?
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.
I was wrong on so many levels.
What’s that joke about marrying the janitor?
Q: Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
A: Because he swept her off her feet!
What’s that joke about competitive siblings?
My sister and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
…but I laugh more.
What’s that joke about pregnancy and contractions?
Did you hear the joke about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?
She was having contractions.
What’s that joke about attracting a country girl?
Q: How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A: A tractor.
Tip: Be sure to take a pause when pronouncing the words “a tractor,” so that it sounds less like “attract her” and puts more emphasis on the word “tractor.”
What’s that joke about a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression?
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.
But don’t worry… I’ll return. [Said in bad deep Austrian accent]
Explanation: Arnold Schwarzenegger is known for his catchphrase, “I’ll be back.”
In this joke, the Schwarzenegger impression is considered “terrible,” because the catchphrase is incorrectly referenced by saying “I’ll return,” rather than “I’ll be back.”
What’s that joke about losing an audiobook?
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Tip: Feel free to substitute “girlfriend,” for anything you feel would be appropriate, such as “boyfriend,” “partner,” “sibling,” “parent,” “friend,” etc.
What’s that joke about eyebrows?
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
What’s that joke about a wife apologizing?
My wife apologized for the first time ever.
She said she was sorry she married me.
What’s that joke about giving birth?
OR that joke about a body building program?
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.
What’s that joke about finding a good match?
Q: What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?
A: “I found the perfect match!”
What’s that jokes about smitten bed bugs?
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They’re getting married in the spring!
Tip: Be sure to emphasize the word spring when saying this joke out loud!
This play on words alludes to the type of coil spring found in a mattress.
