Chapter 9: Improving Communication Climates Flashcards
The emotional tone of a relationship between two or more individuals. The way people feel about each other
Communication climate
A message that expresses caring or respect for another person
Confirming communication.
A message that expresses a lack of caring or respect for another person
Disconfirming communication
Describes behaviours that show a lack of regard and make listeners feel defensive
What are the three levels of message confirmation in a communication climate?
Disconfirming, disagreeing, confirming
What are the seven types of disconfirming messages
Impervious responses, interrupting, irrelevant responses, tangential responses, impersonal responses, ambiguous responses, incongruous responses
A disconfirming message that doesn’t acknowledge the other persons message. It is very disconcerting when there’s no reaction from a person with whom you’re attempting to communicate
Impervious responses
For example, stonewalling in marriage which is a strong predictor of divorce
A disconfirming message where the person repeatedly cuts off or cuts in on a speaker
Interrupting
A disconfirming message. A comment unrelated to what the other person has just said
Irrelevant response
A disconfirming message. Conversational “take-aways,“ where listeners don’t entirely ignore the speaker’s remarks but use them as a starting point for a shift to a different topic
Tangential responses
Example:
I’d like to know soon if you’re interested in a skiing vacation. Otherwise, it’ll be impossible to get reservations anywhere.
Yeah. And if I don’t finish this communication paper, I won’t want to go anywhere. Could you proofread this for me?
A disconfirming message, these responses refer to clichés and other statements that don’t truly respond to the speaker
Impersonal responses
Example:
I’m having some personal problems, and I need to leave early a couple of afternoons this week.
Ah, yes. We’ve all got problems, Jane
A disconfirming message, these responses have more than one meaning and leave the other party unsure of the responders position
Ambiguous responses
Example:
I’d like to get together soon. How about Tuesday?
Uh maybe
Well, how about it? Can we talk Tuesday?
Probably
A disconfirming message that contains two contradictory messages, one of which is nonverbal
Incongruous responses
Example:
Darling, I love you
I love you, too. (Said in a monotone while watching TV)
Messages that say “you’re wrong“ in one way or another. These kind of messages are between disconfirming and confirming communication
Disagreeing messages
What are the three types of disagreeing messages?
Aggressiveness, complaining, and argumentativeness
A type of disagreeing message. The most destructive way to disagree because it attacks the self-concepts of other people to inflict psychological pain. It demeans the worth of others through the use of name-calling, put downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, and badgering
Aggressiveness
A type of disagreeing message that occurs when communicators aren’t prepared to argue but want to register dissatisfaction.
Complaining
Behavioural complaints, such as you always throw your socks on the floor. Personal attacks such as you’re a slob. Personal complaints are more likely to result in an episode of escalating conflict because they attack a more fundamental part of the presenting self
A type of disagreeing message. Presenting and defending positions on issues while attacking positions taken by others
Argumentativeness
Associated with positive attributes such as enhanced self-concept and communicative competence. To maintain a positive climate while arguing, make sure to attack issues, not people. Are also better received when they’re delivered in a supportive, affirming manner
What are the three types of confirming messages?
Recognition, acknowledgment, and endorsement
A type of confirming message. The most fundamental way to confirm someone is to recognize the person
Recognition
For example, responding to other peoples texts and phone messages promptly instead of failing to return them
A confirming message where you recognize another’s ideas and feelings.
Acknowledging
Listening is probably the most common form of acknowledgment, and includes asking questions, paraphrasing, and reflecting
A confirming message. Means that you agree with another’s ideas or find them important. The strongest type of confirming message because it communicates valuing
Endorsement
For example outright praise
A reciprocal communication pattern in which each person’s message reinforces the other’s
Spiral
In positive spirals, one partner’s confirming message leads to a similar message from the other, which leads the first person to be even more confirming. Negative spirals are just as powerful, though they leave the partners feeling worse about themselves and each other.
A communication spiral in which one attack leads to another until the initial skirmish escalates into a full-fledged battle
Escalatory conflict spiral
The most visible way that disconfirming messages reinforce one another
Example:
Mildly irritated — where were you? We were supposed to meet a half hour ago
Defensively – I’m sorry. I got hung up at the library, I don’t have as much free time as you do you know
I wasn’t blaming you, so don’t be so touchy. I do resent what you just said though. I’m plenty busy and I’ve got lots of better things to do than wait around for you.
Who’s getting touchy? I just made a simple comment. You sure been defensive lately. What’s the matter with you?
A communication spiral in which the parties slowly lessen their dependence on one another, withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship
De-escalatory conflict spiral
What are some examples of negative reciprocal patterns in communication?
Complaint – counter complaint: I wish you weren’t so self-centered. Well, I wish you weren’t so critical
Disagreement – disagreement
Mutual indifference: I don’t care if you want to stay. I’m exhausted, and I’m getting out of here.
Go ahead if you want, but find your own way home.
Arguments involving punctuation: how can I talk when you won’t listen?
How can I listen when you won’t talk?
What are some examples of positive reciprocal communication patterns?
Validation of others perspective: this assignment is really confusing, nobody can figure out what we’re supposed to do.
I can understand how it might be unclear. Let me try to explain.
Recognizing similarities: I can’t believe you want to take an expensive vacation! We should be saving money, not spending more.
I agree we should be saving. I think we can take this trip and still save some money. Let me show you what I figured out
Supportiveness: I’m going crazy with this job.
I can see how much you hate it. Let’s figure out how we can get the project finished soon, so you can get back to your regular work.
The attempt to protect a presenting image a person believes is being attacked
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the process of protecting our presenting self, our face
Behaviour by another that is perceived as attacking an individual’s presenting image, or face
Face-threatening act
Research or Jack Gibb offers some useful tools for reducing defensiveness. He isolated six types of defense-arousing communication and six contrasting behaviours that reduce the level of threat and defensiveness by conveying face-honoring relational messages of respect. What are these six categories of defensive and supportive behaviors?
Evaluation versus description
Control versus problem orientation
Strategy versus spontaneity
Neutrality versus empathy
Superiority versus equality
Certainty versus provisionalism
Messages in which the sender judges the receiver in someway, usually resulting in a defensive response
Evaluative communication
One form of evaluation is “you“ language that judges a person
Messages that describe the speakers position without evaluating others.
Descriptive communication
Synonymous with “I“ language
Describe the category of defensive and supportive behaviors: evaluation versus description
Evaluation includes messages that are judgmental, while description focusses on the speakers thoughts and feelings without evaluation.
Example:
Evaluation – this place is a fucking mess
Description – when you don’t clean up, I have to either do it or live in squalor. That’s why I am mad.
Evaluation: those jokes are sick and depraved.
Description: when you tell off-color jokes, I get embarrassed
Messages in which the sender tries to impose some sort of outcome on the receiver, usually resulting in a defensive reaction
Controlling communication
A supportive style of communication described by Jack Gibb in which the communicators focus on working together to solve their problems instead of trying to impose their own solutions on one another
Problem orientation
Describe the category of defensive and supportive behaviors: Control versus problem orientation
Controlling communication occurs when senders and impose solutions on receivers with little regard for the receivers needs or interests. The unspoken message is “I know what’s best for you, and we’ll get along if you do as I say”.
In problem orientation, communicator seek a solution that satisfies everyone’s needs so that everyone wins.
Example:
Controlling – you need to stay off the phone for the next two hours
Problem orientation – I’m expecting some important calls. Can we work out a way to keep the line open?
A defense-arousing style of communication described by Jack Gibb in which the sender tries to manipulate or deceive a receiver
Strategy
A supportive communication behaviour described by Jack Gibb in which the sender expresses a message without any attempt to manipulate the receiver
Spontaneity
Describe the category of defensive and supportive behaviors: strategy versus spontaneity
Strategy characterizes defence arousing messages where the speakers hides their ulterior motives. Characterized by dishonesty and manipulation.
In contrast is spontaneity, which simply means being honest with others and setting aside hidden agendas that others both sense and resist.
Example:
Strategy – what are you doing Friday after work?
Spontaneity – I have a piano I need to move Friday after work. Can you give me a hand?
Strategy – Pat and Jen go out to dinner every week
Spontaneity – I’d like to go out to dinner more often
A defense-arousing behaviour described by Jack Gibb in which the sender expresses indifference toward a receiver
Neutrality
The ability to project oneself onto another persons point of view so as to experience the others thoughts and feelings. Described by Jack Gibb
Empathy
Describe the category of defensive and supportive behaviors: neutrality versus empathy
Neutrality describes indifference or a lack of concern for the welfare of another that implies that the person isn’t important to you.
Empathy helps read communication of the quality of indifference. It means accepting another feelings by putting yourself in another’s place
Example:
Neutral – that’s what happens when you don’t plan properly
Empathy – ouch, looks like this didn’t turn out the way you expected
Neutral – sometimes things just don’t work out. That’s the way it goes
Empathetic – I know you put a lot of time and effort into this project
A defense-arousing style of communication described by Jack Gibb in which the sender states or implies that the receiver is not worthy of respect
Superiority
A type of supportive communication described by Jack Gibb suggesting that the sender regards the receiver as worthy of respect
Equality
Describe the category of defensive and supportive behaviors: superiority versus equality
Superiority is any message that suggests “I’m better than you“. Equality conveys that although someone may have greater talent in certain areas, they see others as having just as much worth as human beings
Example:
Superior – you don’t know what you’re talking about
Equal – I see it a different way
Superior – no, that’s not the right way to do it
Equal – if you want to, I can show you a way that has worked for me
An attitude behind messages that dogmatically implies that the speakers position is correct and the other persons ideas are not worth considering. Likely to generate a defensive response. As described by Jack Gibb
Certainty
A supportive style of communication described by Jack Gibb in which the sender expresses a willingness to consider the other person‘s position
Provisionalism
Describe the category of defensive and supportive behaviors: certainty versus provisionalism
People who are positive they’re right, who think there is the only way of doing something, or who insist that they have all the facts project of the defence arousing behaviour called certainty. In contrast, provisionalism occurs when people with strong opinions are willing to knowledge that they don’t have a corner on the truth and will change their stand if another position seems more reasonable.
Example:
Certain — that won’t work!
Provisional – I think you’ll run into problems with that approach
Certain – you don’t know what you’re talking about!
Provisional – I’ve never heard anything like that before. Where did you hear it?
Speaking your mind in a clear yet respectful way without judging or dictating to others.
The assertive message format
A complete assertive message has five parts:
Behavior, interpretation, feeling, consequences, and intent
In an assertive message, an account that refers only to observable phenomena
Behavioural description
The descriptive statement includes only data that are available through the senses. The observer hasn’t attached any judgement or evaluation.
Example: Sophie has acted differently this week. I don’t recall her laughing, she didn’t drop by like she usually does, and she didn’t return my phone calls
In an assertive message, a statement that describes a speaker’s interpretation of the meaning of another person‘s behaviour
Interpretation statement
Interpretations are subjective and we can attach more than one interpretation to any behaviour
Example: Sophie must be worried about her family. She’ll probably just feel worse if I keep pestering her.
Sophie is probably mad at me because I gave her a hard time about the tennis match. I better leave her alone until she cools down
In an assertive message, an expression of a sender’s emotions that results from interpretation of sense data
Feeling statement
Example: when you laugh at me (Behavior) , I think you find my comments foolish (interpretation). Versus- when you laugh at me, I think you find my comments foolish, and I feel angry
In an assertive message, an explanation of the results that follow either from the behavior of the person to whom the message is addressed or from the speakers interpretation of and feelings about the addressee’s behavior. They can describe what happens to the speaker, the addressee, or others
Consequence statement
Explains the results of the situation you’ve described so far
In an assertive message, there are three types of consequence statements:
- What happens to you, the speaker
Example: when I didn’t get the phone message yesterday (Behavior) that my doctors appointment was delayed, I ended up waiting for an hour when I could have been studying (consequences). It seems to me that you don’t care how busy I am, not even to write a simple note (interpretation), and that’s why I’m so mad (feeling) - What happens to the person you’re addressing
Example: when you have seven or eight beers at a party (Behavior), you change. You make crude jokes that offend everybody and you become argumentative (consequences). I don’t think you realize how differently you act (interpretation), and I’m worried (feeling) about what will happen if you keep drinking like this - What happens to others.
Example: you probably don’t know because you couldn’t hear her cry (interpretation), but when you rehearse your lines for the play without closing the doors (Behavior), The baby can’t sleep (consequence). I am worried (feeling) about her because she’s had a cold lately
Consequent statements are valuable because they help you understand why you are bothered or pleased by another’s behavior. Also, telling others about the consequences of their actions clarifies the results of their behaviour
In an assertive message, a description of where the speaker stands on an issue, what he or she wants, or how he or she plans to act in the future
Intention statement
Describe and give examples of the three kinds of messages that make up intention statements
- Where are you stand on an issue.
Example: when you call us “girls“ after I’ve told you we want to be called “women“ (Behavior), I get the idea you don’t appreciate how important the difference is to us (interpretation) and how demeaning it feels (feeling). Now I’m in an awkward spot: either I have to keep bringing up the subject or else drop it and feel bad (consequence). I want you to know how much this bothers me (intention). - Requests of others.
When I didn’t hear from you last night (Behavior), I thought you were mad at me (interpretation). I’ve been thinking about it ever since (consequence), and I’m still worried (feeling). I’d like to know if you’re angry (intention). - Descriptions of how you plan to act in the future.
I’ve asked you to repay the $25 you owe me (Behavior). I’m getting the idea that you’re avoiding me (interpretation), and I’m pretty angry (feeling). Unless we clear this up now, don’t expect me to lend you anything ever again (intention)
What are some points to remember when using the assertive message format?
The elements may be delivered in mixed order
Word the message to suit your personal style. The words that you choose should sound authentic in order to reinforce the genuineness of your statement.
When appropriate, combine two elements in a single phrase
Take your time delivering the message
What are two ways to respond non-defensively to criticism?
Seek more information and agree with the critic
Seeking more information makes sense when you realize that it’s foolish to respond to a critical attack until you understand what the other person has said. Even attacks that appear unjustified or foolish at first often contains some truth, if not much more. You can listen to, understand, and even acknowledge the most hostile comments without necessarily excepting them or you might see that their criticisms are valid.
Agreeing with the critic – while you can’t honestly agree with criticisms that you don’t believe are true, you can agree with either the facts or the critics perception of the problem.
What are six ways to seek more information from your critics as a way of responding non-defensively to criticism?
Ask for specifics- ask for specific information, like “what do I do that’s unfair?“
Guess about specifics — convey that you are truly interested in finding out what is the matter when your critic is not able to define precisely the behaviour they find offensive. For example, “so you object to the language I used in writing the paper. Was my language too formal?
Paraphrase the speakers ideas – by clarifying or amplifying what you understand critics to be saying, you’ll learn more about their objections. Two advantages of paraphrasing – the critic often reduces the intensity of the attack after he or she realizes that the complaint is being heard, and learning some valuable information by taking time to understand the other person
Ask what the critic wants
Ask about the consequences of your behaviour – generally, people criticize when some need is not being met. Once you understand the other person, criticisms that previously sounded foolish take on new meanings. Example: why do you care whether I’m late for work? Because when the boss asks, I feel obligated to make up some sort of story so you won’t get in trouble, and I don’t like to lie.
Ask what else is wrong – sometimes asking about other complaints can uncover the real problem
What are two ways you can agree with the critic as a way of responding non-defensively to criticism?
Agree with the facts – agreeing with the critic restores the critics damaged reputation. Agree with your critic when the accusation is factually correct
Example: You’re right, I am angry
I suppose I was being defensive
Now that you mention it, I did get pretty sarcastic
Agree with the critics perception – even if you are sure that the critic is totally out of line, there is a way of agreeing, this time with the critic’s right to see things a particular way
Example:
Coworker a: I want to let you know right from the start that I was against hiring you for the job. I think you got it because you’re a woman.
Coworker b: I can understand why you’d believe that, with the equal opportunities laws. I hope that after I’ve been here for a while, you’ll change your mind
What two factors are consistently connected to supportive workplace environments and positive communication climates in the workplace?
Praise and encouragement
Open communication
