Chapter 9- Disconfirming Comm And Setting Boundaries Flashcards
Define communication climate
Emotional tone of a relationship
What two climates can a communication climate be?
Positive and confirming
Or
Negative and disconfirming
Define disconfirming communication
Fails to validate others and creates negative communication climates
How do we communicate disconfirmation
When we ignore people
Do not acknowledge their thoughts or their feelings
Refuse to accept their opinions and emotions
Define boundary
An edge or limit that defines us as being separate from others
Why are the four boundaries
Emotional
Spiritual
Sexual
Relational
What can the four boundaries do?
Can prevent or stop people from hurting us
They are limits to let others know what we believe is safe and appropriate
Define emotional boundary
Prevent or stop people from insulting us
Define sexual boundary
Place limits on sexual behavior
Define relational boundary
Define and limit appropriate interaction
Define spiritual boundary
Inform others that they cannot tell us that their religion is the only truth
Define boundary violations
Occur when others knowingly or unknowingly cross our emotional, relational, sexual, and spiritual limits
What might boundary violations be committed on
The basis of malice, ignorance, or thoughtlessness
Even with the intention of kindness
How can we weaken and violate our own boundaries
When we:
Pretend to agree when we disagree
Conceal our true feelings
Engage in an activity that we really don’t want to do
Decline to join an activity we really want to do
Do too much for others
Ignore our needs
Why is it important to study disconfirming communication and setting boundaries?
Satisfying relationships result when we have positive confirming comm
It can help us change a negative environment to positive
It can help us withstand others attempt to violate our boundaries
What is one way we can create and maintain our boundaries?
Through assertive communication
Define assertive communication
Standing up for our needs, rights, and wants while respecting the needs, rights, and wants of others
Difference between assertive and aggressive communication?
Aggressive- standing up for our needs, rights, and wants without respecting others
Assertive=with respect
Define submissive comm
Failing to stand up for our needs rights, and wants
What is wrong with aggressive comm
It ignores the needs wants and rights of others
Threatens the face of others
Examples of aggressive behavior
Comments that attack ones character
Negative comments about ones appearance
Teasing, threats, use of profanity and ridule
How is aggression communicated non verbally
Staring at others
Invading personal space
Yelling or using a sarcastic tone of voice
Pointing a finger in someone’s face or raising a rosy
People who subject to aggressive communication
Depression
Inadequacy
Humiliation
And function ineffectively in their relationships, occupations, and families
Why is passive aggressiveness considered submissive
It’s accepting the request but failing to actually do it = ignores the communicators needs (roommate example)
Define complementary relationship
One partner has more power and control than the other
Why is complementary relationship bad
There should be a balance like in collectivist cultures
Examples of submissive communication
Denying the problem
Joking
Changing the topic
Avoiding the situation or person
What could submissive comm include
Disclaimers
Qualifiers such as “I guess..” “I may be wrong”
Overuse of apologies (I’m sorry to bother you)
What all does assertive communication involve
Saying “i want” “I don’t like” “I need”
Strong eye contact without staring
Strong tone or voice
Straight posture
Minimal use of adapters
Can submissive or aggressive communication be effective
Yes it depends on the environmental context
How can submissive comm be good?
It shows politeness
“Don’t stoop to their level and be mean”
How can aggressive communication be good?
If someone doesn’t get the politeness “if you touch me again I’ll scream”
Define displacement messages
We are the target of emotions such as anger and frustration that result from situations and experiences in which we are not involved
(Someone taking anger out on u)
How can you fix displacement messages
DO NOT act submissive and ignore the problem
Set boundaries with empathic assertion
Define empathic assertion
The type of comm that involves making a statement that conveys recognition of the other persons speakers rights
What are many request messages
When you say no to something and the friends don’t take no as an answer
What is the broken record technique
Using empathy to respect the persons points, state YOU case, explain reasons why.
Repeat
(Babysitting example)
Define hate speech
That which offends, threatens, or insults groups based on race age color religion national origin gender sexual orientation disability or a number of other traits
What are types of hate speeches centered around
Sexism Able-Ism Racism Heterosexual Ageism
What does hate speech do
Strips people of their dignity
Causes everyday anxiety and distress
And creates intense psychological and emotional pain
How do individual sleep who are targets of hate speech respond?
Passive withdrawal (silence) Assertive reply (one that is direct, appropriate, and concerns a persons thoughts and feelings) An attempt to use humor to deflect the incident Aggressive reply
What are some of the disconfirming messages that not only contribute to marital dissatisfaction but divorce?
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Define criticism compared to complaints
Criticism- about partners personality or character
Complaints- about specific actions or behavior
Define contempt
Long simmering negative thoughts about a partner and is evident in sarcasm name calling hostile humor and mockery.
When does defensiveness occur
When our self concept is under attack. (You are the problem not me!)
Define stonewalling
Withdrawal
When a partner physically or mentally disengages from a situation
Define anti-conforming messages and who usually uses them
They make a situation worse and disconfirm a persons desired face
Examples of anti-conforming messages
Don't take it so hard I think she was a slut That's ok. You don't need him anyway That's too bad. Wanna go out on Friday Aww, that's nothing. You know how I got dumped?
