Boundaries Flashcards
When to accept the consequences of someone else’s poor decision
When those consequences are beyond the scope of what they can handle
The boulder backpack analogy for comparing burdons
Some burdens are like boulders, no one should be expected to deal with them alone. No one is capable of dealing with them alone
Other burdens are like backpacks, everyone is expected to carry their own backpack. You shouldn’t ask someone to carry yours, and you shouldn’t be expected to carry anybody else’s
Whether you help (or ask for help) depends on the size of the burden… Leave ego out of it
Most basic boundary that people have
Skin (literally the physical boundary between them and the outside world)
That is why sexual assault is so powerful. It teaches people that that boundary can be violated and the people can do what they want
Basic boundary-setting word
“No”
Skin provides the physical boundary between what is “you” and what is not
“No” provides the emotional boundary between what is “you” and what is not
Skin/Word analogy for boundary setting
Using boundary setting words like “no” is important. Boundary setting words are like skin, skin sets the physical boundary between what is “you” and what is not
And those boundaries should be expected just like your physical boundaries
Emotional distance
It is a tool but not a permanent solution. Temporary emotional distance can improve relationships that are sometimes strenuous
“Forgive… THEN forget”
Always forgive first but do not forget what they did until you see SUSTAINED change
More often than not, behavioral changes are temporary
Consequence ownership model
You need to think about consequences in terms of whose ‘property’ they’re on
Consequences of your own actions are on your own property
The consequences of someone else’s actions are not on your property. You don’t own those consequences and you have no obligation to face them for the other person. Often times accepting those consequences on behalf of somebody else simply enables them to continue making bad choices… Only actually shield them from the consequences of their actions if those consequences are not capable of carrying that on their own (boulder/backpack analogy)
Emotional property
YOUR emotions are YOUR property
You need to accept responsibility for them. Both your feelings and your actions fall within your property-line
Risks of compassion
Compassion invites manipulation. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be compassionate, it just means that you need to exercise caution. A lot of the people that you choose to help will see an opportunity to manipulate you
“Complaints”
People with boundary value problems that keep them from saying no.
They are unable to “keep out the bad”
It’s usually rooted in fear: they don’t want to disappoint people and they do not want to be seen as selfish
“Avoidants”
People who struggle with the avoidance boundary problem. They shy away from opportunities to “let in the good”
This often means they do not allow themselves to be vulnerable or genuine when they need to be
“Controllers”
People who do not see a problem violating the boundaries of others is it benefits them.
To them “no” just means “maybe”, and “maybe” means “yes”
Two types:
1) Aggressive -use inflexibility and confrontation to avoid or change others boundaries (honest controllers)
2) Manipulative - use guilt and dishonesty to avoid or change others boundaries (dishonest controllers)
“Non-responsives”
Do not understand or hear others boundaries.
Neglectful, self-absorbed, lacking empathy.
They are not responsive to their responsibility to others.
They refuse to help when they are ready/able to.
Types of boundary problems
1) Controllers - have trouble hearing ‘no’
2) Non-responsives - have trouble hearing ‘yes’
3) Avoidants - have trouble saying ‘yes’
4) Compliants - have trouble saying ‘no’
“Functional Boundaries” v. “Relational Boundaries”
“Hard working” people have good Functional Boundaries
“Likable” people have Relational Boundaries
Age-appropriate boundaries
Root of boundary problems
Childhood Trauma
Examples:
Cloud and Townsend’s Ten Law of boundaries
1) The law of “sowing and reaping”
2) The law of Responsibility
3) The law of Power
4) the law of respect
5) The law of motivation
6) The law of evaluation
7) The law of Proactivity
8) The law of Envy
9) The law of Activity
10) The law of Exposure
Hurt v. Harm
“Hurt” is associated pain/sadness
“Harm” is associated with danage
Codependent people and boundaries
Law of “Sowing and Reaping”
Law of Responsibi
The law of motivation
The law of envy
The law of exosure
The Law of power
The law of proactivity
The law of activity
The law of respect
The law of evaluation
“Secret Boundaries”
Healthy perspective on your own needs
They are not a luxury… But they are also not anybody else’s responsibility.
Your needs are just as valid as everyone else’s.
Myths about boundary settings
“leaving before cleaving”
“Emotional Permission”
“Emotional Leftovers”
FoO Problems
1) Catching the Sickness
2)
Triangulation
Type of boundary problem rooted in gossip
Common in FOO’s
How to avoid: never say something about someone that you wouldn’t say to their face
Finite-Responsibility Technique
If you think about responsibility as a finite quantity that you have like hours in the day or dollars in your bank account then you can see where taking responsibility for someone else, by definition, is not taking responsibility for yourself.
Elements of Personhood
Feelings
Attitudes
Behaviors
Choices
Values
*Only an individual can control these. Trying to control these elements in another person is manipulative and a violation of boundaries
Ownership of emotions
Your emotions are your responsibility not somebody else’s. Other people’s emotions are their responsibility not yours.
Giving as a form of choice
NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES, doing something for someone else is a choice that you make
If you are asked to give some of your time or some of your money you ALWAYS have the freedom to say no
Listening is a form of choice
Whether or not you listen to someone is your choice REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES
Listening to someone talk about themselves or their day is a choice. In order to be an active listener, you have to actively choose to listen.
Listening to someone yell is also a choice. You have the freedom to insist that they talk about it calmly or not talk about it at all until they can talk about it without screaming
Fault v. Responsibility
Fault - Whose CHOICES led to the consequences (mental illness is not a choice)
Responsibility - Who will have to MANAGE the consequences
Two types of resistance to boundaries
1) Tantrums from controlling people
2) Guilt
Balancing “saying no” with having empathy
Just because you will not give in to somebody’s demands does not mean that you cannot empathize with them. If you say no but you would have said yes under different circumstances, maybe you can think of something else that you can do for them, even if it’s just talking with them about their situation and their need
Responsibility perspective on boundaries
Any problem that you get into as a result of a lack of boundaries is your fault, because the lack of boundaries is your responsibility. Do not blame other people for the problems that you get into because you don’t have good enough boundaries
Evidence backed reality about trading boundaries for love
It just doesn’t work. It’s not worth it. If you have to lose love to keep your boundaries, do it
Boundary perspective on other people’s anger
Letting other people’s anger bother you is a child like response. It indicates that your parents use anger to control you.
Boundary perspective on fear
Being afraid is good for you, more often than not it means that you are on the path to growth.
Make decisions that make you feel frightened
Boundary-busters
Friends, family, or colleagues that have a hard time accepting other people’s boundaries
11 Step road map for freeing yourself from boundary problems
Step 1) experiencing anger and resentment. They become warning signs of boundary violations
Step 2) being drawn to people and groups that respect your boundaries
Step 3) your existing relationships deepen and are more respectful
Step 4) you start to value and enjoy your time and energy more than you used to
Step 5) practice saying “baby nos”: limits that are easy to set with not-hugely significant people in our lives
Step 6) you rejoice in guilt because guilt means that you are moving away from the internal parent
Step 7) Set firm limits with the significant people in your life
Step 8) Rejoicing in the absence of guilty feelings
Step 9) loving the boundaries of others. If you value your boundaries, that means you value boundaries in general
Step 10)
Step 11)
boundary related Rule of thumb for committing to something
Only commit to something if you know you can do it (even when they’re social pressure)
If you fail to follow this rule of thumb you will find yourself in one of two situations:
1) Complying, but doing so full of resentment
2) breaking your promise
Boundary-injured people
Things to keep in mind when people are angry at you for setting limits
1) Setting boundaries does cause problems, but those problems are nowhere near as bad as the problems that come from not having good boundaries (stress, resentment, no personal time, depression, guilt… not to mention the effects those things have on the people around you)
2) Anger and resentment are temporary, and when they wear off their lives are usually better too (the people that are angry or trying to make you feel guilty for setting limits usually end up taking more responsibility and even learning something about themselves)
3) Backing down will have consequences, it makes it harder to establish boundaries with those people in the future. It needs to be a matter of principle
4) You did not make them get angry. Getting angry was their choice they are responsible for their own emotions and you are responsible for yours.
