Boundaries Flashcards
When to accept the consequences of someone else’s poor decision
When those consequences are beyond the scope of what they can handle
The boulder backpack analogy for comparing burdons
Some burdens are like boulders, no one should be expected to deal with them alone. No one is capable of dealing with them alone
Other burdens are like backpacks, everyone is expected to carry their own backpack. You shouldn’t ask someone to carry yours, and you shouldn’t be expected to carry anybody else’s
Whether you help (or ask for help) depends on the size of the burden… Leave ego out of it
Most basic boundary that people have
Skin (literally the physical boundary between them and the outside world)
That is why sexual assault is so powerful. It teaches people that that boundary can be violated and the people can do what they want
Basic boundary-setting word
“No”
Skin provides the physical boundary between what is “you” and what is not
“No” provides the emotional boundary between what is “you” and what is not
Skin/Word analogy for boundary setting
Using boundary setting words like “no” is important. Boundary setting words are like skin, skin sets the physical boundary between what is “you” and what is not
And those boundaries should be expected just like your physical boundaries
Emotional distance
It is a tool but not a permanent solution. Temporary emotional distance can improve relationships that are sometimes strenuous
“Forgive… THEN forget”
Always forgive first but do not forget what they did until you see SUSTAINED change
More often than not, behavioral changes are temporary
Consequence ownership model
You need to think about consequences in terms of whose ‘property’ they’re on
Consequences of your own actions are on your own property
The consequences of someone else’s actions are not on your property. You don’t own those consequences and you have no obligation to face them for the other person. Often times accepting those consequences on behalf of somebody else simply enables them to continue making bad choices… Only actually shield them from the consequences of their actions if those consequences are not capable of carrying that on their own (boulder/backpack analogy)
Emotional property
YOUR emotions are YOUR property
You need to accept responsibility for them. Both your feelings and your actions fall within your property-line
Risks of compassion
Compassion invites manipulation. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be compassionate, it just means that you need to exercise caution. A lot of the people that you choose to help will see an opportunity to manipulate you
“Complaints”
People with boundary value problems that keep them from saying no.
They are unable to “keep out the bad”
It’s usually rooted in fear: they don’t want to disappoint people and they do not want to be seen as selfish
“Avoidants”
People who struggle with the avoidance boundary problem. They shy away from opportunities to “let in the good”
This often means they do not allow themselves to be vulnerable or genuine when they need to be
“Controllers”
People who do not see a problem violating the boundaries of others is it benefits them.
To them “no” just means “maybe”, and “maybe” means “yes”
Two types:
1) Aggressive -use inflexibility and confrontation to avoid or change others boundaries (honest controllers)
2) Manipulative - use guilt and dishonesty to avoid or change others boundaries (dishonest controllers)
“Non-responsives”
Do not understand or hear others boundaries.
Neglectful, self-absorbed, lacking empathy.
They are not responsive to their responsibility to others.
They refuse to help when they are ready/able to.
Types of boundary problems
1) Controllers - have trouble hearing ‘no’
2) Non-responsives - have trouble hearing ‘yes’
3) Avoidants - have trouble saying ‘yes’
4) Compliants - have trouble saying ‘no’
“Functional Boundaries” v. “Relational Boundaries”
“Hard working” people have good Functional Boundaries
“Likable” people have Relational Boundaries
Age-appropriate boundaries
