Attraction and Intimacy Flashcards
Need to belong
autonomy, competence and belonging
Need to belong
A motivation to bond with others in relationships that provide ongoing, positive interactions
The pain of rejection
causes activation in brain that you can feel when you have physical pain.
stress: commonly seek presence of others
proximity
more likely to develop relationships with someone who is physically close to us
ie/seating patterns, especially for long periods of time
relationships are likely to have interpersonal rewards at the lowest cost– less the and NRG
Interaction
hard to create a friendship with someone you never see
Anticipation of interaction
boosts liking for them
ie/ I am see this person tomorrow, I need to tell them this
Mere exposure effect
The tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to
them
familiarity breeds liking
can produce attraction
repeated exposure to same stimulus is likely to eventually produce a positive attitude
more frequently you are with someone the more you will like them– greater when a person isn’t consciously aware
exception: cant stand something at the start. only works if your appraisal is moderate
more often you are exposed to it, the more likely you will like over time. ie/ if you listen to a song over and over or if you eat a certain food.
boredom is different
Physical attractiveness
Beauty is objective
Preference for symmetry
Cross-cultural similarities in perception
Preference of babies–
measure babies preference by how long they look at someone
associate more rewards with an attractive person
Beauty is subjective
gay men and men view attractiveness more highly and youthfulness
Cultural variation in beauty enhancement
Cultural and historical variation in body type preference
top 10 things you look for in a person are similar across everyone. ie/ kind, thoughtful. not always the same everywhere, stronger in some cultures
women put more emphasis on success and status
The physical attractiveness stereotype
Subjective
The presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well
less influence on intelligence
no influence on integrity
moderate influence of kind, sensitive and interesting– reduced when other info about a person is available
aka the what-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype or the halo effect
resumes with pretty people pics and not all qualities will be the same, but prettier person
we want to be around happy and successful people
more friends and social skills correlate with attractiveness
The matching phenomenon
we like people who are attractive but we will chose a partner who is similar
The tendency for men and women to choose as partners those who are a “good match” in attractiveness and other traits
seek partners whose level of social desirability is about equal to your own
ie/ similar in age, race, ethnicity, social class and physical attractiveness
asset matching
trade off a good asset you have for something they have.
ie/ older rich men, with younger hotter women
Do birds of a feather flock together?
yes, we are attracted to those similar to us
Likeness begets liking
Dissimilarity breeds dislike
Do opposites attract?
Complementarity: The popularly supposed tendency, in a relationship between two people, for each to complete what is missing in the other
Similarity versus Complementarity
Four types of similarity that matter:
Demographics–age, culture, status, education.
Attitudes–values, political and religious beliefs.
Attractiveness.
Subjective experience
- share experience
ie/ laughing at the same things, observe same thing–shows connection
Liking those who like us
reciprocal liking
Attribution– if someone sincerely likes you, you will like them back– if shallow may backfire
Ingratiation– extra nice to get something from you, self serving. make you like them less
self-esteem and attraction
gaining anothers esteem
so you think this person is great
rebound relationships, feeling really low and get with first person who shows you attention
dislike to like– makes someone like you more
Reward theory of attraction
The theory that we like those whose behaviour is rewarding to us or whom we associate with rewards
something about them benefits us
e.g. attention, support, money
like people we associate with good feeling
liking by association–classically conditioned to like them.
powerful in shaping our emotions.
ie/word dentist– makes you feel based on previous experience
Intimate relationship
A close relationship between two adults involving emotional
attachment, fulfillment of
psychological needs, or
interdependence.
Companionate Love
The affection we feel for those with whom our lives are
deeply intertwined
Attachment styles
have attachments throughout life– may change/shift solidly after age 6
adulthood attachment has roots in this, but looks different
forms in infancy and childhood
forms via caregiver, based on care you receive
helps us feel safe in the world
creates template for expectations in other relationships
default– have to learn other ways of responding
intimacy (liking)
emotional closeness
friendships
companionate love
intimacy + commitment
keeps people together long term
know each other well, made decision to be with them but no physical attraction
the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined
decision commitment (empty love)
ie/ arranged marriage
decision to be with a person
fatuous love
passion + commitment
ie/ romeo and juliet
do not know each other
passion (infatuation)
physical attraction
often start here in western culture
increases from an early stage to exclusive - does not increase further
when reciprocated we feel closeness or fulfillment
kinds of love
3 components : cognitive (desire to be known), emotional (physiological arousal, desire for union, sexual attraction) and behavioural (maintaining physical closeness)
healthy relationship should have all of these
where you start differs from culture to culture
will shift during relationships
as intimacy and commitment increases, passion decreases
passion is the highest at beginning and then goes down
romantic love
intimacy + passion
physically and emotionally close
Secure
approach caregiver, seeks comfort
majority of children
Avoidant
foes not approach and appears detached
dont care when mom leaves or comes back
comes from children whose caregiver doesnt meet needs
cant trust and rely on people to do anything for you
struggle to make deep connection– doesnt stop you, just is harder
Insecure, anxious or preoccupied
approach caregiver and expresses anger and hostility
clingy children
just want to be by caregiver
upset when mom leaves, anger and upset when mom comes back
children who receive inconsistent care
not sure if mom is going ti be there, so we dont leave her side
Disorganize– neurotypical or abused kids
Social exchange theory
people are motivated to maximize benefits and minimize losses in relationships with others
Equity theory
People are most satisfied with a
relationship when the ratio between benefits and contributions is similar for
both partners
expect to get more out of a relationship if we put more into
rewards– costs
compare our outcomes to partners
Self-disclosure
Usually reciprocal
norm to respond with similar amounts of intimacy
Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others
Disclosure reciprocity effect: The tendency for one person’s intimacy of self-disclosure to
match that of a conversational partner
more common in new relationships than established ones
more likely to reveal more info to those we like and find attractive
too much can cause dislike
trusting them
Communication
good communication is so important for long term relationships
Bad Communication styles
Negative affect reciprocity- reciprocating negative styles
Demand/Withdraw interaction patterns– one person wants to talk, other person wants to withdraw.
different ways of approaching conflict.
common
Attributions
we make about others behaviours
Distress-maintaining–focus on bad without recognizing good
Relationship enchancing– that suks, but look at all these great things in our relationship
