11/03/2023 Flashcards
When Jay is triggered, repeat what has happened to him.
For example, you told me you were feeling quite shit and I didn’t ask why (DON’T what YET?)
For example, you told me you were feeling quite shit and I didn’t ask why (DON’T talk about WHY I did this YET)
When Jay is triggered, repeat what has happened to him.
For example, you told me you were feeling quite shit and I didn’t ask why (DON’T talk about WHY I did this YET).
This made you feel completely uncared for. I can understand this.
I’m really sorry. I did it because…
I instead kept talking about why I did it and holding onto what I know, but holding onto what I know IS NOT what?
I instead kept talking about why I did it and holding onto what I know, but holding onto what I know IS NOT:
1. Listening
2. Understanding Jay’s position
3. Putting MYSELF honestly and truly into his shoes
When Jay is triggered, repeat what has happened to him.
For example, you told me you were feeling quite shit and I didn’t ask why (DON’T talk about WHY I did this YET).
This made you feel completely uncared for. I can understand this.
I’m really sorry. I did it because…
I instead kept talking about why I did it and holding onto what I know, but holding onto what I know IS NOT listening, understanding Jay’s position and putting MYSELF honestly and truly into his shoes, as ANYONE would’ve felt and I would’ve felt the same if …
I instead kept talking about why I did it and holding onto what I know, but holding onto what I know IS NOT listening, understanding Jay’s position and putting MYSELF honestly and truly into his shoes, as ANYONE would’ve felt and I would’ve felt the same if Jay didn’t ask why after I said I felt quite shit
When Jay is triggered, repeat what has happened to him.
For example, you told me you were feeling quite shit and I didn’t ask why (DON’T talk about WHY I did this YET).
This made you feel completely uncared for. I can understand this.
I’m really sorry. I did it because…
I instead kept talking about why I did it and holding onto what I know, but holding onto what I know IS NOT listening, understanding Jay’s position and putting MYSELF honestly and truly into his shoes, as ANYONE would’ve felt and I would’ve felt the same if Jay didn’t ask why after I said I felt quite shit.
I should’ve listened, understood his perspective FIRST, validated it, PUT MYSELF IN HIS SHOES, and then what?
I should’ve listened, understood his perspective FIRST, validated it, PUT MYSELF IN HIS SHOES, and then:
1. Explained myself
2. Reassured him
Everything he says, even when he attacks, is only because of how he feels, but if I listen, I can do what easily?
Everything he says, even when he attacks, is only because of how he feels, but if I listen, I can change his mind easily
Everything he says, even when he attacks, is only because of how he feels, but if I listen, I can change his mind easily.
He is easy to trigger, but also easy to what?
He is easy to trigger, but also easy to un-trigger
Everything he says, even when he attacks, is only because of how he feels, but if I listen, I can change his mind easily.
He is easy to trigger, but also easy to un-trigger.
SIT WITH WHAT?
SIT WITH THE DISCOMFORT
Everything he says, even when he attacks, is only because of how he feels, but if I listen, I can change his mind easily.
He is easy to trigger, but also easy to un-trigger.
SIT WITH THE DISCOMFORT and focus on doing what, FIRST?
SIT WITH THE DISCOMFORT and focus on LISTENING TO THE MAN I LOVE, FIRST
The second time I triggered Jay:
I didn’t ask why, I made you feel uncared for. The situation was not resolved. And then less than 48 hours I did the same thing again and made the same mistake. This made you feel like I don’t care, don’t learn from my mistakes, can’t implement any positive changes, am incompetent, angry, hurt, unimportant.
How else did it make you feel? I can understand this. I’m really sorry.
But he got angry, and I was defending myself again.
I didn’t do what at all?
I didn’t:
1. Understand
Or,
2. Validate his perspective or anger
at all
When Jay said I didn’t give much emotional support when we called. I couldn’t fully put myself in his shoes because I was feeling my own feelings in response to what he said – how I felt unappreciated and really did my best, but I still could’ve and should’ve validated his perspective.
However, I needed to take some time to do what FIRST?
However, I needed to take some time to fully focus on what had happened and Jay’s reality/perspective FIRST
When Jay said I didn’t give much emotional support when we called. I couldn’t fully put myself in his shoes because I was feeling my own feelings in response to what he said – how I felt unappreciated and really did my best, but I still could’ve and should’ve validated his perspective.
However, I needed to take some time to fully focus on what had happened and Jay’s reality/perspective FIRST.
You called your girlfriend and told her more on how you felt after a traumatic experience and two diagnoses, let alone everything you were and are already dealing with, and you felt her response and emotional support wasn’t great. That would hurt, and make you feel worse in many ways. I understand this.
I’m really sorry. I had really tried my best and didn’t know what more to say or do. My own state can account for this, how I am really struggling too, and how I have very little mental energy and also can’t believe the news myself. But I should’ve done better to support you, my boyfriend, who is struggling so much, it’s my job.
I know you said to just show love and care it’s not complicated, but because I really didn’t and don’t know what more I could’ve done, can you help me so I know in future? After the phone call, I tried to show more love and care and support you emotionally more with saying things like you’re going to be okay, and how I’m right here by your side, did things like this help at all?
I also know that in general my support can be more practical like when I suggest things, and I’m sorry, I’m going to work on it.
I could also always repeat what has happened to him and then take time to make sure I what?
I could also always repeat what has happened to him and then take time to make sure I:
1. Fully understand
2. Am putting myself in his shoes
- TALK ABOUT WHAT, FIRST?
- TALK ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND HOW IT MADE HIM FEEL, HIS PERSPECTIVE, FIRST
- TALK ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND HOW IT MADE HIM FEEL, HIS PERSPECTIVE, FIRST.
- THEN do what?
- THEN TAKE TIME AND TALK ABOUT MY PERSPECTIVE AND WHY IT HAPPENED AND REASSURE HIM
Jay needs complete calm and stability, otherwise it will destroy him.
He can’t express …
He can’t express how serious it is now
In response to what Jay has said, even raising something that has bothered him, I might feel hurt myself, I might feel unappreciated, I might feel unsafe, I might feel anxious, I might feel stressed.
If I am feeling anything other than okay, I won’t be able to fully do what?
If I am feeling anything other than okay, I won’t be able to fully:
1. Be present
2. Listen
