08/03/2023

Question 1

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I …?

Answer 1

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I:
1. Am defensive
2. Feel unsafe

Question 2

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I am defensive and feel unsafe, so I need to remember that Jay is only asking for …?

Answer 2

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I am defensive and feel unsafe, so I need to remember that Jay is only asking for:
1. Reassurance
2. Love

Question 3

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I am defensive and feel unsafe, so I need to remember that Jay is only asking for reassurance and love and WANTS to …?

Answer 3

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I am defensive and feel unsafe, so I need to remember that Jay:
1. Is only asking for reassurance and love
2. WANTS to resolve problems

Question 4

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I am defensive and feel unsafe, so I need to remember that Jay is only asking for reassurance and love and WANTS to resolve problems and WILL what?

Answer 4

I can’t really fully, truly listen to Jay or fully support him or show up for him if I am defensive and feel unsafe, so I need to remember that Jay:
1. Is only asking for reassurance and love
2. WANTS to resolve problems
3. Will understand and believe me

Question 5

After everything that happens, I need to reflect on what?

Answer 5

After everything that happens, I need to reflect on:
1. What happened
2. Why
3. What I can do differently going forwards

Question 6

Even when Jay says things like ‘Literally anyone who cares would’ or ‘You just don’t seem to care much,’ if he really believed that and had already decided and made up his mind, he …?

Answer 6

Even when Jay says things like ‘Literally anyone who cares would’ or ‘You just don’t seem to care much,’ if he really believed that and had already decided and made up his mind, he wouldn’t be talking to me

Question 7

Even when Jay says things like ‘Literally anyone who cares would’ or ‘You just don’t seem to care much,’ if he really believed that and had already decided and made up his mind, he wouldn’t be talking to me.
I CAN …

Answer 7

I CAN STILL reassure him

Question 8

Even when Jay says things like ‘Literally anyone who cares would’ or ‘You just don’t seem to care much,’ if he really believed that and had already decided and made up his mind, he wouldn’t be talking to me.
I CAN STILL reassure him, ONLY IF WHAT?

Answer 8

I CAN STILL reassure him, ONLY IF I:
1. SHOW UP FOR HIM
2. Pay attention and listen intently to every single word
3. Understand him
4. Reassure him and give him love and care

Question 9

Before I answer any question, I need to take time and take a …?

Answer 9

Before I answer any question, I need to take time and take a step back

Question 10

Before I answer any question, I need to take time and take a step back, including just when what?

Answer 10

Before I answer any question, I need to take time and take a step back, including just when Jay is triggered

Question 11

Before I answer any question, I need to take time and take a step back, including just when Jay is triggered, so I can what?

Answer 11

Before I answer any question, I need to take time and take a step back, including just when Jay is triggered, so I can:
1. SHOW UP FOR HIM
2. Pay attention and listen intently to every single word
3. Understand him
4. Reassure him and give him love and care

Question 12

When Jay asks me a question, I need to check my answer …?

Answer 12

When Jay asks me a question, I need to check my answer:
1. Is concise and clear
2. Makes sense
3. Actually answers the question

Question 13

When Jay asks me a question, I need to check my answer is concise and clear, makes sense and actually answers the question.
For example, earlier on today I thought of him asking me why I haven’t eaten the snaps and kinder chocolate he got me and I first thought of saying ‘because you got it for me’ but that doesn’t make sense. I was able to think properly and realised.

In arguments I don’t think properly or realise what I’m saying doesn’t make sense and doesn’t answer the question, because I feel like I have no time at all, not even a second, and because I am thinking about how Jay is anxious and stressed and triggered and will feel worse the longer I take, so I say the first thing that comes to my head.
This is a terrible strategy and makes everything so much worse.

Before I answer any question, send …?

Answer 13

Before I answer any question, send a sentence reassuring Jay that:
1. I’m sorry, I care a lot about this, you and what you have said and say. I love you.
2. I need to take a bit of time before I answer to self-soothe and to make sure my answer is clear, concise and actually answers your question and makes sense because when I am stressed, I struggle massively to do this.
3. Is this okay?

Question 14

When Jay asks me any question, what are my 3 steps?

Answer 14

When Jay asks me any question, my 3 steps are to:
1. Send a sentence reassuring Jay and then take the time I NEED
2. Does my answer actually answer the question and make sense?
3. Is my answer clear and concise (use as little words as possible)?

Question 15

Before I answer any question, check my answer makes sense and if Jay would understand it from his perspective.
He already communicates as clearly as possible and he needs even more specificity and clarity from me and for me to be …?

Answer 15

He:
1. Already communicates as clearly as possible
and
2. Needs even more specificity and clarity from me and for me to be concise

Question 16

When Jay asks me a question, don’t interpret them - only focus on the question he has asked, the words he has said.
If I need to, I can do what?

Answer 16

If I need to, I can:
1. Repeat the question to myself
Or,
2. Paraphrase his question and repeat it to him

Question 17

When Jay asks me a question, don’t interpret them - only focus on the question he has asked, the words he has said.
If I need to, I can repeat the question to myself or paraphrase his question and repeat it to him.

What could this do?

Answer 17

This could:
1. Help Jay feel heard and paid attention to
2. Minimise confusion and misunderstanding
3. Help me focus on the question and make sure I’m actually answering it

Question 18

It’s a very basic life skill:
Think about what I say, before I say it.
Think about what I’m saying and how it would be …?

Answer 18

Think about:
1. What I’m saying
2. How it would be received by the person I’m saying it to

Question 19

Realise when I’m making something so simple, so confusing, as a result of my dreadfully poor communication and explanatory skills.

If I don’t, I will make Jay feel …?

Answer 19

If I don’t, I will make Jay feel:
1. Not listened to
2. Not cared about
3. Not understood
4. Not paid attention to
5. Not important

Question 20

Realise when I’m making something so simple, so confusing, as a result of my dreadfully poor communication and explanatory skills.

If I don’t, I will make Jay feel not listened to, not cared about, not understood, not paid attention to, and not important.

I need to regulate my emotions so that I can …?

Answer 20

I need to regulate my emotions so that I can:
1. Show up for Jay and be fully present for him and how he is feeling and what he is saying and what he is asking me
2. Give him reassurance and love

Question 21

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Answer 21

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