03/01/2023 Flashcards
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will …
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will …
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will have the opportunity to say it
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will have the opportunity to say it.
But, because my partner is a logical and rational human being, I will first answer his questions so as to establish …, before anything else?
But, because my partner is a logical and rational human being, I will first answer his questions so as to establish the specifics of what has happened, before anything else
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will have the opportunity to say it.
But, because my partner is a logical and rational human being, I will first answer his questions so as to establish the specifics of what has happened, before anything else.
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be …?
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be CRAMMED IN at EVERY OPPORTUNITY
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will have the opportunity to say it.
But, because my partner is a logical and rational human being, I will first answer his questions so as to establish the specifics of what has happened, before anything else.
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be CRAMMED IN at EVERY OPPORTUNITY, when …?
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be CRAMMED IN at EVERY OPPORTUNITY, when we have not yet even established what has happened
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will have the opportunity to say it.
But, because my partner is a logical and rational human being, I will first answer his questions so as to establish the specifics of what has happened, before anything else.
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be CRAMMED IN at EVERY OPPORTUNITY, when we have not yet even established what has happened, because doing so …?
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be CRAMMED IN at EVERY OPPORTUNITY, when we have not yet even established what has happened, because doing so:
1. Is completely irrational
2. Derails the conversation
3. Causes problems
Jay isn’t stupid at all and all relevant information to what has occurred will BE ASKED FOR and I will have the opportunity to say it.
But, because my partner is a logical and rational human being, I will first answer his questions so as to establish the specifics of what has happened, before anything else.
Anything I want to say DOES NOT need to be CRAMMED IN at EVERY OPPORTUNITY, when we have not yet even established what has happened, because doing so is completely irrational, derails the conversation and causes problems.
If I do this, what I am choosing to do?
If I do this, I am choosing to:
1. Waste Jay’s time
2. Create arguments
3. Make the man I love feel hurt, angry and stressed
‘If you have wronged me and caused me some type of pain, whether it is hurt, sadness, anger, anxiety, frustration, stress,
Would I consider why you did it, the emotions and pressures that pushed you to doing it, whether or not you meant it, what you intended?
Is that all highly relevant?’
Yes
‘Is this synonymous with your perspective?’
Yes
My perspective is highly relevant and important to a perceived threat to Jay’s wellbeing, so my perspective WILL …
My perspective is highly relevant and important to a perceived threat to Jay’s wellbeing, so my perspective WILL be heard, IN DUE TIME
Establishing reality should take 5 minutes, not 5 hours.
Not hours of Jay getting more and more triggered, feeling more and more disrespected, stressed, confused, anxious, mentally exhausted, angry.
Why would Jay be compassionate and understanding after this?
If, like any other normal couple, we could have a short conversation determining reality and all the things necessary to it, without Jay getting more triggered because of me getting defensive and not making sense, for hours, Jay would, after that short conversation, be …?
If, like any other normal couple, we could have a short conversation determining reality and all the things necessary to it, without Jay getting more triggered because of me getting defensive and not making sense, for hours, Jay would, after that short conversation, be:
1. Much less damaged by it
2. Much less combative
2. Much more compassionate and empathetic and understanding
Establishing reality should take 5 minutes, not 5 hours.
Not hours of Jay getting more and more triggered, feeling more and more disrespected, stressed, confused, anxious, mentally exhausted, angry.
Why would Jay be compassionate and understanding after this?
If, like any other normal couple, we could have a short conversation determining reality and all the things necessary to it, without Jay getting more triggered because of me getting defensive and not making sense, for hours, Jay would, after that short conversation, be much less damaged by it, much less combative and much more compassionate and empathetic and understanding.
We would also have a much …?
We would also have a much smaller problem on our hands that would take far less to repair
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, what is Jay just trying to do?
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so what?
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him)
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing …?
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay doing what?
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay asking questions
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay asking questions, so the problem can be …?
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay asking questions, so the problem can be solved
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay asking questions, so the problem can be solved.
I immediately get on the defensive because I am scared, get stressed and then I don’t make sense, I derail the conversation and strongly appear guilty.
A truthful person would not be so defensive and would want to solve the problem.
And then we have a problem that was equal to 1 that is now equal to 10, that makes Jay and me, both feel much, much worse.
All I had to do was what?
All I had to do was:
1. Play the game - answer Jay’s questions
2. Stop stressing out over nothing
3. Show up, fully accountable, and be ready to solve issues
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay asking questions, so the problem can be solved.
I immediately get on the defensive because I am scared, get stressed and then I don’t make sense, I derail the conversation and strongly appear guilty.
A truthful person would not be so defensive and would want to solve the problem.
And then we have a problem that was equal to 1 that is now equal to 10, that makes Jay and me, both feel much, much worse.
All I had to do was play the game - answer Jay’s questions, stop stressing out over nothing and show up, fully accountable, and be ready to solve issues.
This means allowing Jay to do what?
This means allowing Jay to properly establish reality
I realise Jay feels wronged by me and accuses me of something or asks me an accusatory question like ‘Why would you do that?’
In that moment, Jay is just trying to establish what just happened, so he knows what the problem even is, so we can solve the problem (and I reassure him), which requires knowing what the problem is, which requires Jay asking questions, so the problem can be solved.
I immediately get on the defensive because I am scared, get stressed and then I don’t make sense, I derail the conversation and strongly appear guilty.
A truthful person would not be so defensive and would want to solve the problem.
And then we have a problem that was equal to 1 that is now equal to 10, that makes Jay and me, both feel much, much worse.
All I had to do was play the game - answer Jay’s questions, stop stressing out over nothing and show up, fully accountable, and be ready to solve issues.
This means allowing Jay to properly establish reality by doing what?
This means allowing Jay to properly establish reality by answering his questions with my answers actually making sense
Every time I have just answered Jay’s questions without saying anything else, WE HAVE RESOLVED THE PROBLEM.
How many times?
EVERY SINGLE TIME
I should listen to Jay every time he speaks, as attentively as I have ever listened to anyone.
More attentive than who?
More attentive than:
1. A student to a lecturer
2. A defendant to a judge and jury
3. Someone whose life or death depends on remembering what they hear
Everyone gets things wrong.
I am going to trigger Jay.
I am always going to do things wrong, because I am a human and who isn’t perfect and it’s okay.
Jay will also get things wrong.
Everyone gets things wrong.
He isn’t going to leave me over it, he just needs understanding and then reassurance.
I should be willing to understand every single thing I have done wrong that Jay deems worth my what?
I should be willing to understand every single thing I have done wrong that Jay deems worth my:
1. Understanding
2. Apology
Everyone gets things wrong.
I am going to trigger Jay.
I am always going to do things wrong, because I am a human and who isn’t perfect and it’s okay.
Jay will also get things wrong.
Everyone gets things wrong.
He isn’t going to leave me over it, he just needs understanding and then reassurance.
I should be willing to understand every single thing I have done wrong that Jay deems worth my understanding and apology, with absolutely 0 what?
I should be willing to understand every single thing I have done wrong that Jay deems worth my understanding and apology, with absolutely 0:
1. Excuses
Or,
2. Attempts to defend myself or explain why
Everyone gets things wrong.
I am going to trigger Jay.
I am always going to do things wrong, because I am a human and who isn’t perfect and it’s okay.
Jay will also get things wrong.
Everyone gets things wrong.
He isn’t going to leave me over it, he just needs understanding and then reassurance.
I should be willing to understand every single thing I have done wrong that Jay deems worth my understanding and apology, with absolutely 0 excuses or attempts to defend myself or explain why, until I …, first?
I should be willing to understand every single thing I have done wrong that Jay deems worth my understanding and apology, with absolutely 0 excuses or attempts to defend myself or explain why, until I:
1. Understand
2. Am truly sorry for it,
first
I should listen to Jay every time he speaks, as attentively as I have ever listened to anyone.
More attentive than a student to a lecturer, a defendant to a judge and jury and someone whose life or death depends on remembering what they hear.
I should take every single word extremely seriously, like I am being given …?
I should take every single word extremely seriously, like I am being given instructions on how not to die - really, really seriously
