VW Waves the dinner party Flashcards
I do not want the train to stop with a thus. I do not want the connection
which has bound us together sitting opposite each other all night long to be broken
our community in the rushing train, sitting together with only one wish to arrive at Euston, was very welcome
But behold! it is over. we have attained our desire.
to assume the burden of individual life. I, who have been since Monday, when she accepted me, charged in every nerve with a sense of identity
who could not see a tooth brush without seeing a tooth brush
now wish to unclasp my hands and let fall my possessions, and merely stand here in the street, taking no part
watching the omnibuses without desire, without envy with what would be boundless curiosity about human destiny
boundless curiosity about human destiny if there were any longer an edge in my mind
but it has none. I have arrived; am accepted. I ask nothing
having dropped off satisfied like a child from the breast, I am at liberty now to sink down, deep, into what passes
this omnipresent, general life
for myself, I have no aim. I have no ambition
I will let myself be carried along by the general impulse
only in movements of emergency, at a crossing, at a kerb, the wish to
preserve my body springs out and stops me, here, before this omnibus
we insist it seems
on living
then again, indifference
descends
I think also that our bodies are in truth naked
we are only lightly covered with buttoned cloth; and beneath these pavements are shells, bones and silence
it is however, true that I cannot deny a sense that life for me is
now mysteriously prolonged
I am not part of the street no-
I observe the street
to be myself (I note) I need the illumination
of other people’s eyes, and therefore cannot be entirely sure what is myself
with them I am
many-sided
they retrieve me from
darkness
my mind hums hither and thither
with its veil of words for everything
to speak, about wine even to the waiter
is to bring about an explosion
the hostility, the indifference of other people
dining here is oppressive
we look at each other; see that we do not know each other
stare, and go off. such looks are lashes
I feel the whole cruelty and indifference of the world
in them.
without
Percival there is no solidarity
we have come together at a particular time, to this particular spot. we are drawn into this communion by some deep, some common emotion. what shall we call it, conveniently,
‘love’? shall we say ‘love of Percival’ because Percival is going to India?
no that is too small, too particular a name. we cannot attach the width and spread of our
feelings to so small a mark
a single flower as we sat here waiting, but now a seven sided flower, many petalled (…)
a whole flower to which every eye brings its own contribution
but while I admire Susan and Percival
I hate the others, because it is for them that I do these antics, smoothing my hair, concealing my accent
but my imagination is
the bodies
[nev] the swiftness of my mind
is too string for my body
[nev] and since I am, in one respect deluded, since the person is alway changing
though not the desire, and I do not know in the morning by whom I shall sit at night
[nev] i am never stagnant
I rise from the worst disasters, I turn, I change
[r] if I could believe (…) that I should grow old in pursuit of change, I should be rid of my fear:
nothing persists
[r] I am afraid of you all
I am afraid of the shock of sensation that leaps on me, because I can not deal with it as you do
[r] I cannot make one moment
merge into the next
[r] I am whirled down caverns, and flap like paper against endless corridors
and must press my hand against the wall to draw myself back
[r] I pull on my stockings as
I see them pull on theirs
[r] I wait for you to speak and then
speak like you
[s] the only sayings I understand are
cries of love, hate, rage and pain
when you are silent you are again
beautiful
[s] my children will carry me on; their teething
their crying, their going to school and coming back will be like the waves of the sea under me
[b] when I cannot see words curling like rings of smoke
round me I am in darkness- I am nothing
[b] Rhoda loves to be alone. She fears us because we shatter the sense of being which is
so extreme in solitude- see how she grabs her fork- her weapon against us
but I only come into existence when the plumber, or the horse dealer, or whoever it may be,
says something which sets me alight
[b] thus my character is in part made of the stimulus which
other people provide, and is not mine, as yours are
[j] our senses have widened. membranes, webs, of nerve endings that lay white and limp, have filled and
spread themselves and float round us like filaments, making air tangible and catching in them far- away sounds unheard before
we sit here, surrounded, lit up, many coloured; all things- hands, curtains, knifes and forks
other people dining- run into each other. we are walled in here. but India lies outside
[n] upon which we build our crazy platforms are more stable than the wild, the weak and inconsequent cries that we utter when, trying to speak, we rise;
when we reason and jerk out these false sayings, ‘I am this; I am that!’ speech is false
but I eat. I gradually lose all knowledge of particulars when I eat. I am becoming weighed down with food,
these delicious mouthfuls of duck, fitly piled with vegetables, following each other in exquisite rotation of warmth, weight, sweet, and bitter, past my palate, down my gullet, into my stomach
