Tolstoy Confession Flashcards
the teachings of faith re left to some other realm, separated from…
life and independent of it
the teachings of faith, accepted on trust and sustained by external pressure…
gradually fade under the influence of the knowledge and experiences of life
I ceased to believe in what has been instilled in me since childhood…
yet I did believe in something, though I could not say what
I could not have said what perfection consisted of…
or what its purpose might be
I tried to achieve intellectual perfection;
I studied everything I could, everything life gave me a chance to study
I strove for physical perfection by doing all the excessed that develop strength and agility and by undergoing all the hardships that discipline the self endurance and perseverance
I took all this to be physical perfection
overall perfection
a desire to be better not in my own eyes or in the eyes of God, but rather a desire to be better in the eyes of other people
every time I tried to express my most heartfelt desires ti be morally good I was met with contempt and ridicule
and as soon as I would give into my vile passions I was praised and encouraged
ambition, love of power, self interest…
Lechery, pride, anger, vengeance - all of it was highly esteemed
as I gave myself over to these passions I became…
like my elders, and felt that they were pleased with me
there was not I crime I did not commit;
yet in spite if it all I was praised, and my colleagues considered me and still do consider me a relatively moral man
during this time I began to write out vanity, self-interest, and pride …
I did the same thing in my writing that I did in my life
as an artist and a poet I wrote and taught without myself knowing what I was teaching (…)
I received money for doing this; I enjoyed excellent food, lodgings, women, society; I was famous. therefore what I was teaching must have been very good.
without taking note of the fact that we knew nothing, that we did not …
know the answer to the simplest question of life, the question of what is right and what is wrong, we all went on taking and listening to one another
the real reason behind what we were doing was that …
we wanted to obtain as much money and praise as possible
but in order for us to engage in something so useless and at the same time maintain the conviction that we were very. important people …
we needed a rationale that would justify what we were doing
we are paid and respected for writing books and periodicals,
and therefore we are the most useful and the best of people
it is now clear to me that there was no difference between
ourselves and people living in a madhouse
like all madmen,
I thought everyone except myself was mad
I was talking just like a person being carried along in a boat by the waves and the wind; without really answering, such a person replies to the only important question…
“where are we to steer?”- by saying, “we are being carried somewhere”
The word “progress”. at the time it seemed…
to me that this word had meaning
like any living individual, I was…
tormented by questions of how to live better. I had still not understood that in answering that one must live according to progress
thus during my stay in Paris the sight of…
an execution revealed to me the feebleness of my superstitious beliefs
I understood, not with my intellect but with my whole being, that no theories…
of rationality of existence or of progress could justify such an act