Tolstoy Confession Flashcards
the teachings of faith re left to some other realm, separated from…
life and independent of it
the teachings of faith, accepted on trust and sustained by external pressure…
gradually fade under the influence of the knowledge and experiences of life
I ceased to believe in what has been instilled in me since childhood…
yet I did believe in something, though I could not say what
I could not have said what perfection consisted of…
or what its purpose might be
I tried to achieve intellectual perfection;
I studied everything I could, everything life gave me a chance to study
I strove for physical perfection by doing all the excessed that develop strength and agility and by undergoing all the hardships that discipline the self endurance and perseverance
I took all this to be physical perfection
overall perfection
a desire to be better not in my own eyes or in the eyes of God, but rather a desire to be better in the eyes of other people
every time I tried to express my most heartfelt desires ti be morally good I was met with contempt and ridicule
and as soon as I would give into my vile passions I was praised and encouraged
ambition, love of power, self interest…
Lechery, pride, anger, vengeance - all of it was highly esteemed
as I gave myself over to these passions I became…
like my elders, and felt that they were pleased with me
there was not I crime I did not commit;
yet in spite if it all I was praised, and my colleagues considered me and still do consider me a relatively moral man
during this time I began to write out vanity, self-interest, and pride …
I did the same thing in my writing that I did in my life
as an artist and a poet I wrote and taught without myself knowing what I was teaching (…)
I received money for doing this; I enjoyed excellent food, lodgings, women, society; I was famous. therefore what I was teaching must have been very good.
without taking note of the fact that we knew nothing, that we did not …
know the answer to the simplest question of life, the question of what is right and what is wrong, we all went on taking and listening to one another
the real reason behind what we were doing was that …
we wanted to obtain as much money and praise as possible
but in order for us to engage in something so useless and at the same time maintain the conviction that we were very. important people …
we needed a rationale that would justify what we were doing
we are paid and respected for writing books and periodicals,
and therefore we are the most useful and the best of people
it is now clear to me that there was no difference between
ourselves and people living in a madhouse
like all madmen,
I thought everyone except myself was mad
I was talking just like a person being carried along in a boat by the waves and the wind; without really answering, such a person replies to the only important question…
“where are we to steer?”- by saying, “we are being carried somewhere”
The word “progress”. at the time it seemed…
to me that this word had meaning
like any living individual, I was…
tormented by questions of how to live better. I had still not understood that in answering that one must live according to progress
thus during my stay in Paris the sight of…
an execution revealed to me the feebleness of my superstitious beliefs
I understood, not with my intellect but with my whole being, that no theories…
of rationality of existence or of progress could justify such an act
I realised that even if all the people in the world from the day of creation found this to be necessary according to whatever theory,
I knew that it was not necessary and that it was wrong
therefore, my judgements must be based on what is right and necessary and
not on what people say and do; I must judge not according to progress but according to my own heart
the death of my brother was another instance in which I realised the inadequacy of the
superstition of progress in regard to life
he suffered over a year and died an agonising death without ever
understanding why he lived and understanding even less why he was dying
no theories could provide any answers to these questions, either from him or for me,
during his slow and painful death
but these were only rare instances of doubt
; on the whole I continued to live, embracing only a faith in progress
I told myself that in many of its forms progress did not proceed as it should and that here it was
necessary to leave a primitive people the peasant children, completely free to choose the path of progress they wanted
in essence I was still faced with the same insoluble problem…
of how to teach without knowing what I was teaching
I saw that everyone taught differently and that I the arguments they had they
scarcely hid their ignorance from each other
I felt my mental health was not what it should be…
and that this could not go I=on for long
my shuffling around with the magazine became repugnant to me, since it was forever centred on the same thing-
the desire to teach everyone while hiding the fact that I did not know what I was teaching
it finally reached a point where I fell ill,
more spiritually than physically; I gave it all up and went to (…) live an animal life
the new circumstances of a happy family life completely diverted me from
any search for the overall meaning of life
my striving for personal perfection in general, a striving for progress, now became striving for what was best
for my family and me
as I wrote I aught what to me was the only truth: that we must live for
what ever is best for our family
whenever my life came to a halt, the questions would rise:
why? and what next?
I thought that the answers to them were all well known and that if I should ever want to resolve them, it would not be too hard for me
it was just that I could not be bothered with it now, but if I should take it upon myself, then I would find the answers
it happened to me as it happens with everyone who contracts a fatal internal disease. at first there were the insignificant symptoms of an ailment, which the patient ignores;
then these symptoms recur more and more frequently, until they merge into one continuous duration of suffering
the thing which is he had taken for a mere indisposition is in fact the most
important thing on earth to him, is in fact death
I realised that this was not an incidental ailment but something very serious, and that if the same questions should continue to recur
I would have to answer them
no matter how much I pondered them
there was bi way I could resolve them
I was immediately convinced, first of all, that they were not childish and foolish questions
but the mist vital questions in life
before I could be occupied with my Samara estate, with the education of my son, or with the writing of books
I had to know why I was doing these things
my life had come to a stop
I could breathe, eat drink, and sleep; indeed, I could not help but breathe, eat, drink, and sleep
but there was no life in me because
I had no desires whose satisfaction I would have found desirable
if I wanted something, I knew beforehand that it did not matter
whether or not I got it
the truth was
that life is meaningless
I clearly saw that there was nothing ahead except
the deception of life and of happiness and the reality of suffering death, of complete annihilation