The Romantic Love Question and Answer Book

Question 1

What it is like in the Beginning

Answer 1

1. Romantic Love Briefly described: In love relationships, the beginning of the union stands out with unusual poignancy. The moment the man and woman look at each other, with the full knowledge of loving and being loved, when their beings pulsate to a silent rhythm that is theirs alone to hear, when the eyes see in the eyes of the other, the soul’s reflection, when their bodies feel an exquisite sense of aliveness, in a world unbearably beautiful.

Question 2

General Love

Answer 2

2. To feel love, in the most general sense, it is our emotional response to that which we value highly. As such, it is the experience of joy in the existence of the loved object, joy in proximity, and joy in interaction and involvement. To love is to delight in the being whom one loves, to experience pleasure in that being’s presence, to find gratification and fulfillment in contact with that being. We experience the loved being as a source of fulfillment for profoundly important needs. The loved being is a true source of joy for you. For love to be romantic, they MUST have a spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment between the two of them that reflects a high regard for the value of each other’s person. They must also mutually admire one another. **These emotional experiences should be HIGH (just like it is in the movies, or it is not romantic love). **True romantic love does not die or get old, either (this is fantastic to know).

Question 3

On the Surface Love

Answer 3

3. **Infatuation means that you have an intense attraction to another arising from our focusing on one or two aspects of the other as if those aspects represented the whole. I see a beautiful face, and I assume it is the image of a beautiful soul. I see how kindly this person treats me and assume we share significant affinities. You can simply have a fling based on infatuation (not entirely knowing everything about the person but projecting an image on the person based on what limited information you have about them). You can find them sexually exciting 😊 or enjoy the relationship on the surface provided you are honest with yourself about the weight of the relationship.

Question 4

You KNOW

Answer 4

4. People who are in love tend not to ask, “How do I know when I am in love,” because, love affords you the strongest magnifying glasses. It makes everything crystal clear within the relationship and within each other. So, you will simply know everything (that the two of you share), quite clearly. Romantic love, provides you with very sharp, mental, emotional, spiritual clarity and sight- of self and the other.

Question 5

Romantic Love is a Life Requirement

Answer 5

5. Romantic love answers to very real human needs, and fulfilling those needs makes us feel more energetic, more complete, and capable of joy in living. Anyone who has been in love will recognize the validity of this statement. We have a human desire to be known, intimately. Intimacy requires that the two respond from the deepest levels of their being.

Question 6

A Highly Sociable Life is a Requirement

Answer 6

6. *****BIOLOGICALLY we are social creatures. We most fully realize our distinctively human potentials in a **SOCIAL CONTEXT. As humans, we have a need for self-awareness and discovery, for expanded contact with the self, which happens continually and more or less naturally, through the process of intimacy, and confrontation, with other human beings.

Question 7

What behaviors do Couples in Successful, Long Term Relationships Exhibit?

Answer 7

7. Couples who stay in love for long periods of time tend to: 1. Express love verbally. They will say, “I love you,” for example.2. They are physically affectionate. This includes, treating each other with a warm pillow, or tea. 3. They express their love sexually. They put a lot of emphasis on their sexual relationship, they have more sex than the average couple. Sex is the highest form of bonding so this makes sense and is healthy. Sex is important to them. 4. They express their admiration and appreciation. 5. They participate in mutual self-disclosure. 6. This is the willingness to share more of themselves and their inner life than they do with any other person. They are more comfortable with self-disclosure than the average couple. 7. They offer each other an emotional support system. They are each other’s best friend. They are helpful and nurturing. 8. They share love materially. They express love through gifts or treats of some kind for “no reason” and outside of the scope of obligation. 9. They create time to be alone. This time to devote to one another, enjoying and nurturing the relationship, ranks very high among their priorities, they understand that love requires attention and leisure.

Question 8

Similarities and Complementary Differences. Similarities Outweigh General Differences

Answer 8

8. In romantic relationships, and relationships in general, it is likes that attract. Not opposites. We tend to fall in love with a person of approximately the same level of self-esteem, maturity, intelligence, and attractiveness as ourselves. Where there are truly “opposite” differences, there are usually compensating factors, for example, a good-looking man attracted to a rather plain woman who surpasses him in education and social self-possession.

Question 9

If there is a loss of Relationship, Lifelong Mates are a Plenty

Answer 9

9. You can have multiple people who you are capable of having romantic love with throughout a lifetime. There is no such thing as one soul mate. HOWEVER, when you are with someone in a romantic love relationship, that person IS, the one and only. You cannot be in love with more than one person at a time.

Question 10

No Romance. Friends, Only

Answer 10

10. In most cases, it is more common that there is sexual attraction in the very beginning of the relationship but, some relationships can start out as friendships. 11. Rewarding relationships with people of the same sex is needed.

Question 11

People who are Afraid of Love Avoid the Commitment Component

Answer 11

12. Most people who are not fulfilled by love relationships have an obsession with not being hurt again, so they avoid love or enter into it with reservation, versus having all of their attention and interest in the extreme pleasure that love affords. People who are afraid of love enter into it, however, they avoid the commitment aspect of the relationship.

Question 12

Living the Fantasy Life is not Idle Fancy but Concrete Realism

Answer 12

13. **Love (not just romantic love) offers THE LIVING THE REALITY OF YOUR PRIVATE DREAMS. Being your true self, being awakened, offers you the SAME POSSIBILITY (LIVING THE REALITY OF YOUR PRIVATE DREAMS!)!

Question 13

Love Required Efforts

Answer 13

14. Being in love is not enough. Everything that you want and have in life, you will notice, requires certain actions. No one would hardly expect that loving your work, would mean that you would have a successful career. You must do things. Competency is needed in order to have a good relationship.

Question 14

Self-Esteem Gives You a Life, Including a Love Life

Answer 14

15. **Having self-esteem, confidence that we can meet life’s requirements, guarantees and ensures success in life and love. Everything will be automatic, and you will not have to think about it nor consciously will it.

Question 15

What Does the Normal and Healthy Human Being Exhibit When They are Successful in Love?

Answer 15

16. With regard to intimacy, certain aspects of psychological development are especially important: Healthy self-esteem, Autonomy/self-reliance/ self-responsibility, your own set of values-in order that you will know what is important to you, and the development of internal resources (knowledge, experience) so that you can respond to life with confidence, optimism, and determination. The relationship demands realism, such as everything else in life. The relationship must consist of two equal partners.

Question 16

Effective, Considerate Communication with Your Partner is Vital

Answer 16

17. Frustration with not being properly nurtured in a relationship by their partner is one of the most common complaints that couples have, yet they are not willing to talk about it with their significant other. 23. Poor communication within the relationship points to some conflict or ambivalence within the communicator that needs to be confronted, clarified, and resolved. Communication can fail if it is not congruent with feelings or behavior. My words do not match the emotions I express or the way I act. If I tell you I love you while looking bored and distracted, you are unlikely to believe me. Sometimes communication can be too indirect in which case your message will not be received by the other person. “I want to tell you about something exciting that happened to me” vs. “Anything interesting happen to you today?” (In this case, I am hoping YOU will ask the same question of me so I can you my story). If you are reluctant to ask for what you want directly, this can cause frustration in the relationship because your partner will have no idea what is bothering you. The major point being, if your communication style is **NOT WORKING (hint: your family), you must do something else. Even if your approach is not unhealthy, if it is unsuccessful with the person, for any reason whatsoever, you have to try a different tactic. Sometimes communication can be nonexistent if the two parties are operating under different assumptions that they have about the situation (if I ASSUME my partner is thinking something and I react according to my inference). We are not born knowing how to communicate effectively and to elicit the responses we would like. It is a learned art. 25. You must be an active listener and give appropriate feedback. This let’s your partner know that you have understood what they said. You have to read into what the other person says and not always take their words at face value. There is underlined meaning. Maintain eye contact. Overtime, these practices will become authentic to you and a real experience. It will not feel forced (this is how you incorporate any new behaviors and learn new skills). If you want your partner to grow in certain areas, it helps to cultivate in myself the traits and qualities I want to nurture in them. 33. **Conversation is BACK AND FORTH- Giving and Giving. Never one sided. You CAN have a situation where one/others are speaking and telling a story or something else, and the other/s are primarily listening- Giving and Receiver.

Question 17

Selfish Nature and Ego Feeds Romantic Love

Answer 17

18. SelfLESSness, the absence of self, kills romantic love. Selfishness means that you are present and able to fulfill your own needs. In love, the other’s self is celebrated and enjoyed. To place your partner’s needs as a priority for yourself IS within your interest. It is within your interest for the romantic relationship to flourish. It would do you a disservice if it did not. Sacrifice is dangerous to a relationship, each person in the relationship must have their needs met and commit to full honesty and disclosure. Love is for people who already have identities and know who they are.

Question 18

Live Up to Life’s Basic Standards

Answer 18

19. **Reminder: All of the “basics” in life matter- having integrity, being popular, being thoughtful, having a good heart, etc. All of these things matter, everything in life matters!

Question 19

What Can Help a Marriage be Successful

Answer 19

20. If you have experience in committed, long term relationships before you get married, this can help you to have more success in your marriage.

Question 20

It is not Surprising that Most Adults are Trained to Not Love

Answer 20

21. Parents and teachers who tell children to “be calm” or “don’t get too excited” are promoting repression and falsehoods that children are not capable of fulfilling (this is yet ANOTHER old school blunder that is very dangerous for people). These requests are anti-life. And it is antilove because love requires openness, vitality, spontaneity, passion, and vulnerability. It also means that you ENCOURAGE the other person to be themselves. It is no wonder that most adults find romantic love impossible, they have been educated against self-expression and openness since the day they were born (**this is old school mentality)!

Question 21

Sex is Your Personal Identity. In the Same as Your Name

Answer 21

22. ***More than in any other realm, our self-expression finds full expression during sex. **So, I want to be close to people, I give myself through sex! Sex is the highest expression of love.

Question 22

Profess and Demonstrate Your Love

Answer 22

24. Demonstrating how much you love someone through words and action is highly important and desired. 31. **You must truly know every detail about people and yourself. Why do you love them? Why do you love yourself? ** Also, communicating this with people is crucial and keeps love alive.

Question 23

Everyone Cares about Everyone and Accepts Them

Answer 23

26. Everyone cares, everyone effects everyone else. Even unhealthy, repressed people are affected by things (remember that during my addiction and depression, I was, and even now I AM affected by people, places, and things going on in life). **It is not possible to be indifferent toward yourself or life. If someone does not demonstrate how they care or demonstrate normal healthy behavior, it does not mean that they do not have those feelings or desires inside of them, of course they do! They feel the same way as everyone else. They simply need help. They need love and to be understood and listened to. What happened to them?

Question 24

Always Manage Situations, NOW

Answer 24

27. Any issues must be dealt with immediately, in the present moment. Do not let things pile up.

Question 25

Self-Pity is a Drive toward Inaction. Inaction for living things equals Death

Answer 25

28. **To be self-pitying is to make no effort to deal with unpleasant things and to understand it. You are wanting to passive or inactive about the situation (which keeps the delusion as it is). To say, “Right now, I am feeling hopeless,” is not self-pity. To say, “My situation IS hopeless,” as if it were literal fact, is self-pity. It is self-destructive, a waste of time. You must learn the skill of eliminating negativity from your life (through awakening) AND (if negativity is still even a possibility), you must learn the skill of LEARNING the skill that is required of you during a situation that you find unpleasant or a challenge to you. If you already had the skill, you would not experience it as a challenge. When you learn the skill, it will no longer be unpleasant to you. Some of us cling to our pain as an excuse for inactivity. We cling because we think ourselves as a martyr-pitiable, tragic, and unlovable.

Question 26

Cherish Every Aspect of your Love Relationship

Answer 26

29. Every aspect of the relationship is to be valued. There is a time for sex, and a time to not talk. There is a time for talking without sex. There is a time to talk while making love, etc.

Question 27

Communicate Through Multiple Senses and Modes As Opposed to Mere Talking

Answer 27

30. It is desirable to be responsive to signals from as many different senses as possible-sight, hearing, touch. I see your tears. I feel your body shaking. I can hear the joy in your voice. I can show you the scar on my leg.

Question 28

Romantic Love Relationships get Better Over Time

Answer 28

32. There is more and more to talk about as relationships progress. This is because people evolve over time. Understanding goes deeper, awareness of the other expands, more and more colors come to light. The self is also a vast continent, no two people ever live love enough to explore each other fully (especially since we are all constantly in the process of becoming, as well). ** The eyes tell you an extraordinary amount of things about a person, they are the windows to the soul, truly.

Question 29

Survival of the Relationship Post Infidelity is Possible

Answer 29

34. If there has been a breach of trust in the relationship (an infidelity or any other issue) then you will BOTH have to work together to rebuild the trust between the two of you. It is a job to heal the relationship, not the two individuals within the relationship.

Question 30

Love Comes Before Work. We are Not Immortal

Answer 30

35. Of all human pursuits, work and love are the two sources of greatest happiness in our lives. Through work I support my existence and personal autonomy. I give shape to my life, enrich my identity, and experience the pleasure and pride of using my distinctively human powers. These two values are important and demanding. You must find the balance of time for each endeavor. One thing you can do, is at work, you can cut out all of the extra time that you put in to personally overseeing things, unnecessarily (as the Boss, in lead positions, or in general, etc.). Give the jobs to your subordinate staff members or to your colleagues. You are trying to do too much, alone. That, literally, does not exist! You must and ARE, always doing everything in cooperation with everyone else. You can then spend this time with your partner, go on vacations. Relax! Enjoy leisure and your career. The point is, you can make anything work  . People, typically Americans, tend to associate work with survival. Even after they achieve material comfort that they require, they still behave as if life itself still required their unbroken concentration on their job. They subordinate their interests and values, including love, to career. The time you spend at work, and with loved ones, family, it is all a choice-just like everything else in life. PERIOD. Sometimes people are workaholics because they grew up poor and they were taught that life is work, work is life. Some people work too much as a means to avoid intimacy. They think that if they “give in to love”, they will lose control and avoid commitment to their work. This is a problem of inadequate self -assertion, inadequate autonomy. Immaturity. There is nothing to fear , of course. You can get your partner to be interested in your work by making it personal. Disclose with them the meaning of your work to you as a human being.

Question 31

The Occupation of Housewife

Answer 31

36. Women who maintain the home are doing the work that domestic staff members would do (gardeners, babysitters, chauffeurs, chefs, etc.). It is a real job. But, it is one that you can do out of love and enjoyment of course. And, you can do what you want, when you want ! Also, the husband is saving money on staff members and/or he doesn’t have to do those things himself.

Question 32

Shift in the Relationship Dynamic

Answer 32

37. When there is to be a change within your relationship, allow time for the relationship to transition in those new ways. Discuss with your partner what your new expectations are from the relationship. Be explicit. Be patient in allowing the transition to happen and to become comfortable.40. **We are not machines. **Our emotions are not wired to on/off switches. We are, feeling organisms. We need time to adjust to change. When the change is painful, we need time to mourn. Just as you give yourself time to feel, thoroughly, LIGHT emotions, you must give yourself time to feel DARK emotions in a gratifying way, as well. With dark emotions, the force of life will always bring us back to the light. If you keep out of the way, and allow the process of suffering and recovery (or whatever it may be) to happen, you do not fight your feelings, the day will come when you will begin to see the light again, and see the other side .

Question 33

The Only Time Romantic Love Can Truly Die

Answer 33

38. How It works: You are meant to be together forever, or you are not- if not, you are meant to date, and possibly others, for a short time and then the relationship ends. If you discover that you are meant to be together for a lifetime, the relationship could ONLY end, if either one of you grows apart. If you change in some way. To combat this, you can support the growth of each other and your relationship, and remain intimate throughout. Hope, that neither one of you changes to the point where you are no longer compatible. That is it  .

Question 34

Decisions that Deepen Love

Answer 34

39. When we make the commitment to marry, the relationship grows deeper. It grows deeper roots. Everything matters, so OF COURSE, deciding to marry vs. merely living together in a committed relationship, does impact the relationship.