Module 4

Question 1

What are the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse

Answer 1

criticism
defensiveness
stonewalling
contempt

Question 2

Gottman distinguishes couples into which two groups

Answer 2

Masters and disasters

Question 3

How successful was Gottman at predicting the marital success/failure of couples based on his observations?

Answer 3

90%

Question 4

How quickly could he make his predictions

Answer 4

3 minutes

Question 5

What are Gottman’s 3 critical elements that would assist in improving relationships?

Answer 5

Patterns of behaviors
Theories
Interventions

Question 6

Primary difference in expressing frustration between the masters and disasters

Answer 6

Masters were gentle in response. Disasters were critical.

Question 7

How does Gottman define criticism

Answer 7

Stating the problem of the relationship as a problem in the person.

Question 8

How does Gottman define defensiveness and what can we do instead?

Answer 8

Anything to ward off an attack - acknowledge criticism and invite discussion

Question 9

How does Gottman define contempt?

Answer 9

Anything coming from a superior position (better than, speaking down, name-calling, etc.

Question 10

How does Gottman define stonewalling & what distinguishes it from simply listening?

Answer 10

Withdrawing from the conversation or being tuned out - an elevated heart rate.

Question 11

What are stonewallers trying to do by using this tactic?

Answer 11

Calm down

Question 12

What horseman is the best predictor of divorce?

Answer 12

contempt

Question 13

Gottman suggests 3 levels of building a “sound relational house” What are they?

Answer 13

Build love maps (know about partner)
Build fondness & admiration (respect)
Turn towards the relationship, not away. Build connections.

Question 14

What % of couples still married turned towards each other in lab experiments. What % of those who are divorced turned towards each other in lab experiments.

Answer 14

86% vs 33%

Question 15

Gottman suggests that conflict in relationships can be very beneficial. Why?

Answer 15

So that they can understand each other. conflict can be a way that couples get closer to one another. It is a mechanism for learning how to love one another better.

Question 16

What is the litmus test for positive relationships?

Answer 16

Positive vs negative perspective.

Question 17

Conflict is not about the topic, but rather about…

Answer 17

The meaning of each person’s position (not about money, but what money means to them)

Question 18

What was the lesson the Gottman was trying to teach in his reference to the movie “don Juan de Marco”

Answer 18

The way people create share meaning and purpose

Question 19

Gottman said the key to successful relationships is

Answer 19

Know and honor your wife’s dreams (ask open ended questions that are deep and respectful

Question 20

When babies are born, they generally have a negative effect on relationships (70%). What 3 things negate these negative effects

Answer 20

Handle conflict effectively, maintain friendships, honor the role of fathers

Question 21

***5 elements of conflict

Answer 21

1. An expressed struggle
2. interdependence
3. Perceived incompatible goals
4. Perceived scarce resources
5. Interference.

Question 22

Creating a supportive rather than defensive environment

Answer 22

Evaluation rather than description
Control rather than problem solving
Strategy rather than spontaneity
Neutrality rather than empathy
Superiority rather than equality
Certainty rather than provisionalism

Question 23

Escalatory spirals

Answer 23

The relationship continues to circle around to more and more damaging ends and the interaction becomes self-perpetuating.