Loer, Jim - THE ONLY WAY TO WIN

Question 1

What is the difference between goals and joy?

Answer 1

Goals are structures that organize our preparation for the future, but they rarely, if ever, teach us how to love life here and now.

Goals are about the future.
Joy is experienced in the present.

We use the past to learn,
the future to prepare,
the present to live.

When we lose the present, we lose our lives and all sense of joy.

Question 2

What is a very powerful question to become more focused on the present and to avoid constantly postponing happiness until the world around you improves?

Answer 2

Ask yourself,
“If this is as good as it will get for me,
how can I find a way to enjoy this time in my life,
this very moment,
as it exists right now,
without change?”

Question 3

Why are we so achievement-oriented?

What is our motivation?

Answer 3

The why is at once highly complex and exceedingly simple.

One reason for why we wish to achieve is
that we want to please others
—our parents, earliest and foremost.
Later, there are others we wish to please.

Our reasons to achieve are both
conscious and not conscious.

Question 4

What is intrinsic motivation?

Answer 4

Intrinsic motivation means 
that one can enjoy 
and be interested in 
an activity 
for its own sake.

Question 5

What is an extrinsic motivation?

Answer 5

Extrinsic motivation refers to
behavior that is enacted for some motive
outside the activity itself.

Extrinsic motivation typically involves
external regulation wherein an individual seeks
to obtain an external reward
or avoid an external punishment.

Question 6

What are “contingency beliefs” and why do people develop “contingency beliefs”?

Answer 6

People develop “contingency beliefs”
—the idea that feelings about oneself
are dependent on meeting some standard of excellence;
in short, “if-thens”—
that must be met before one can qualify as having value.

Question 7

How do you develop true self-esteem?

Answer 7

True self-esteem develops
when one’s actions are congruent
with one’s inner core of values and beliefs
rather than reflections
of externally or internally imposed demands.

Attempt to build self-esteem on internal contingencies such as
humility,
effort,
optimism,
dedication, etc.
—things well within the sphere of a person’s control—
and this can and almost inevitably will lead to a
more secure, healthy sense of self.

Question 8

What is the basis of addiction to achievement?

Answer 8

Addiction to achievement has a
physiological, neurochemical basis,
as real and compelling as addiction to
drugs, food, gambling, sex, etc.

The acquisition of the desire 
increases dopamine, 
a neurotransmitter that activates receptors 
in a particular area of the brain 
called the nucleus accumbens.

The surge raises dopamine levels
to three to five times what is considered normal,
thus providing relief and pleasure.

Question 9

Why is extrinsic achievement a trap?

Answer 9

Because the cycles of
Pursuit > Achievement > Dissatisfaction >
More Pursuit to Chase Away the Dissatisfaction,
ad nauseam,
is a fundamentally toxic problem
with the promise of joy and fulfillment.

Question 10

What happens in the brain when you are addicted to achievement?

Answer 10

Addiction to achievement has a
physiological, neurochemical basis,
as real and compelling as addiction to
drugs, food, gambling, sex, etc.

The acquisition of the desire increases dopamine,
a neurotransmitter that activates
receptors in a particular area of the brain called
the nucleus accumbens,
raising the dopamine levels
to three to five times what is considered normal,
thus providing relief and pleasure.

Question 11

What are the brain hormones, dopamine, serotonin and noradrenaline often referred to?

Answer 11

Dopamine, along with the two other brain hormones serotonin and noradrenaline, are often referred to as the “happy messengers”.

Question 12

What are Dopamine’s functions beyond the areas of

motivation, reward, and punishment?

Answer 12

It also plays a key role in 
cognition, 
voluntary movement, 
sleep, 
mood, 
attention, 
working memory, 
and lactation.

Question 13

What is the endowment effect?

Answer 13

When achievement becomes part of our identity (known as the “endowment effect”).

Movement toward the goal triggers dopamine release,
while movement away from the goal causes it to stop.

Achievement serves as the trigger for our own internal form of substance abuse—a self-induced dopamine addiction.

Question 14

What generally makes, or keeps, people happy?

Answer 14

• connection to others
• close companionship
• positive relationships
• rich spiritual commitment and meaning
• marriage
• having personal control
• being extroverted
• generosity
• being hopeful

Question 15

Ex.:

One key to a successful marriage:

Answer 15

Spend five minutes each day
expressing gratitude for
everything your partner has done for you.

Question 16

What are the main determinants of happiness?

Answer 16

A mere 10 percent is largely circumstantial
—one’s social class, looks, health, etc.—

while 40 percent is “intentional activity”
—what we do and think.

The remaining 50 percent is dependent
on our own biological (or “hedonic”) set point
that is coded in our genes.

Note:
What’s important is that as much as 40 percent of your happiness is under your own control, and that can make all the difference

Question 17

To lead rich, fulfilling lives, how or where do we start?

Answer 17

To lead rich, fulfilling lives, we start by defining

1) purpose, values, meaning, and Ultimate Mission (spiritual),
2) then create a view of the world, a cognitive mind-set—our version of reality—that reflects those sacred values and beliefs (mental).
3) Then we summon the emotions that serve that purpose and mission (emotional).
4) Finally, we act in ways that reflect our deepest values and grand purpose, aligning our behavior with our mission (physical).

Question 18

To clarify your purpose, your Ultimate Mission,

which are the five most important questions you must ask?

Answer 18

• What kind of person did I want to be when I grew up?
• What is something that I would be proud to accomplish and that doesn’t have a shelf life or expiration date?
• Would that accomplishment improve my well-being and/or the well-being of others?
• Which character strengths would I like to develop in my life?
• What would I like to do with the strengths I develop? Will these capacities be in the service of myself or others

Question 19

What are the two main components of the Self-Determination Theory (SDT)?

Answer 19

1) extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation;
2) the three major sustainable sources of motivation, which are:

• autonomy (I want to decide what to do with my life)
• mastery (I want to be really good at something for its own sake)
• relatedness (I want to make a difference in the world, leave a legacy for others)

Question 20

In The Handbook of Self-Determination, how does Robert J. Vallerand defines extrinsic motivation and intrinsic motivation?

Answer 20

In The Handbook of Self-Determination, Robert J. Vallerand defines
1) extrinsic motivation as “behaviors performed to attain contingent outcomes”

2) intrinsic motivation as “behaviors performed out of interest and enjoyment.”

Note: Extrinsic motivation drives one to engage in something to achieve a desired outcome separate from the activity. It leads one to engage out of obligation—to avoid feeling shame, for example.

Question 21

Which are five basic factors that contribute to thriving and well-being (concluded by Seligman)

Answer 21

1. positive emotions (the most important of which is optimism, so that setbacks are perceived to be temporary)
2. engagement
3. positive relationships
4. meaning (connecting one’s life to a purpose bigger than oneself)
5. accomplishment (mastery/competence)

Question 22

A comprehensive list of performance character strengths:

Answer 22

willingness to invest effort, perseverance, self-discipline, constructiveness, capacity for hard work, optimism, determination, wisdom, positive attitude, hope, love of learning, creativity, ability to think critically, humor, confidence, focus, commitment, openness to challenge, resiliency, self-control, ambition, adaptability, resourcefulness, reliability, competitiveness, responsibility, punctuality, decisiveness, mental toughness, bravery, self-compassion, patience with self.

Question 23

A list of moral character strengths:

Answer 23

capacity for love, caring, kindness, honesty, truthfulness, integrity, humility, gratitude, fairness, generosity, compassion, loyalty, patience, respect for others, sense of honor, sense of duty.

Question 24

What is the difference between performance and moral character strengths?

Answer 24

Performance character strengths are values that govern our relationship with ourselves.
Moral character strengths are values that govern our relationship with others.
To do well on society’s scorecard, you’ll need to be in possession of a whole host of performance character strengths.
To truly succeed as a human being, however, moral strengths of character are mandatory.

As Lickona and Davidson conclude in Smart & Good High Schools, “Whereas moral virtues are intrinsically good, performance virtues can be used for bad ends.”

Question 25

How do you construct a new life scorecard, your most important mission in life, your Ultimate Mission?

Answer 25

constructing a new life scorecard begins by writing out answers to the following questions:

• What legacy do you want to leave behind? How do you want to be remembered?
• How do you want people to describe you?
• Who do you want to be in life—who is your best self?
• Who and what matters most to you?
• What are your deepest values?
• How would you define true success for your life?
• What makes your life really worth living?