Favorite Jokes (not mine)

Question 1

Small world, unless you have to clean it…

Answer 1

take-off *
Why is it funny?
idiom / cliche - joke has element of both simple-truth and take-off and reverse (opposites) - simply clever

TEE + THREES (comedy syntax)

Question 2

2 ducks are in a pond - 1 duck says, quack! - the other duck says, that’s
what I was going to say!

Question 3

Make love, not war, or do both, get married…

Answer 3

take-off * ambivalence
Why funny?
classic cliche meets reality - marriage is both - 2 sides of same coin - clever

Question 4

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

Answer 4

take-off
Why funny?
cliche - clever take-off but also has strong reverse qualities - you have to backtrack to compare quantities of stupid people and happy people and then come up short

Question 5

Do you think the homeless get knock knock jokes?

Answer 5

Why funny?
reversal qualities - visual backtrack - homeless don’t have doors - clever

Question 6

I think that it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone…

Answer 6

POW * homophones
Why funny?
love the disconnection between why men wear cologne (to be social) and how repulsive it can be - homophone
Is just the icing on the cake

Question 7

Sorry, I have AGE…

Answer 7

Why funny?
spoken as if AGE is a disease - funny because age is not a disease but our youth culture treats it as such

Question 8

The secret of life is sincerity and if you can fake that, you’ve in… (got it made)

Answer 8

take-off or reverse
Why funny?
ironic truth spoken - sincerity / fake

Question 9

Those are my principles and if you don’t like them, we’ll, I’ve got others…

Answer 9

take-off
Why funny?
Cliche about values and convictions and then slip and slide - unexpected change in direction that’s about life

Question 10

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things…

Answer 10

paired elements * double entendre
Why funny?
cute opposites with dirty double entendre - requires listener to backtrack

Question 11

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

Answer 11

Why funny?
visual game - acting out - sort of simple truth - complicated - clever - backtrack

Question 12

What is another word for thesaurus?

Answer 12

POW - play on words
Why funny?
ironic quality that there is no “other word” for a book that is used to find other words - backtrack

Question 13

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments…

Answer 13

Why funny?
plays on two interpretations of caring, first is personal - second is business - backtrack

Question 14

If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is definitely not for you…

Answer 14

take-off
Why funny?
Cliche - try, try again - sky diving failure is final and funny - backtrack

Question 15

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life, as long as I die by tomorrow (unless I buy something)
(if I die by 4:00)

Answer 15

Why funny?
plays with “rest of my life” - unexpected interpretation - backtrack

Question 16

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Answer 16

take-off
Why funny?
pure okay on words - idioms that don’t make sense - making fun of our illogical language

Question 17

At my age, being immature is a good thing…

Answer 17

Why funny?
clever reverse - old age reference - immaturity - 2 interpretations - foolish or youthful - old people want to the youthful interpretation

Question 18

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night

Question 19

A fool and his money was lucky to get together in the first place

Answer 19

take-off

Question 20

I learned about sex the hard way, from books!

Question 21

My mom did not breast feed me, she said that she just liked me as a friend

Answer 21

double entendre *

Question 22

I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it…

Question 23

She was an earthy woman, so I treated her like dirt…

Answer 23

simple truth *
Why funny?
perfectly logical and perfectly illogical - that’s what makes it funny

Question 24

A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged - a liberal is a conservative who has been arrested

Answer 24

paired elements *

Question 25

I left journalism because I met too many interesting people at an uninteresting salary

Answer 25

paired elements

Question 26

Pilot to passengers - we are having a short delay for engine repairs - aren’t you glad you are down here wishing you were up there, than being up there, rushing you were down here?

Answer 26

paired elements *

Question 27

I’m against picketers but I don’t know how to show it…

Answer 27

simple truth

Question 28

That restaurant is so popular, that no one goes there anymore

Answer 28

POW * malaprops

Question 29

Include me out…

Answer 29

POW * malaprops

Question 30

What do you love about being 100 years old - no peer pressure…

Question 31

I’m a procrastinator, but I’ll worry about that later…

Question 32

I don’t stop eating when I’m full.
The meal isn’t over when I’m full.
It’s over when I hate myself.

Question 33

I have the body of a 63 year old man and the bank account of a 18 year old…

Question 34

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret…

Question 35

Don’t play dead with a vulture, that’s exactly what they want.

Question 36

In the United States anyone can be president - that’s the problem…

Answer 36

take-off *

Question 37

I’ve never believed in casual sex - I’ve always tried as hard as I could…

Answer 37

simple truth

Question 38

I’m a quadrasexual - that means I will do anything with anyone for a quarter…

Answer 38

triples *

Question 39

I’ve been married fourteen years, and I have 3 kids. Obviously, I breed well in captivity.

Answer 39

reverse *

Question 40

Procrastinate now; don’t put it off….

Answer 40

POW - irony

Question 41

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

Question 42

My wife made me get a new pair of glasses. I wasn’t seeing things her way.

Answer 42

reverse

Question 43

If you think you have it tough, read history books…

Question 44

I went to college, but I learned nothing. My double major was psychology and reverse psychology.

Answer 44

reverse

Question 45

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery…

Answer 45

reformed cliche *

Question 46

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don’t really know me

Question 47

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know too well.

Question 48

She was so hot looking, even my tongue was hard…

Answer 48

double entendre *

Question 49

I like using self-deprecating humor, but I’m not very good at it…

Answer 49

POW - simple truth

Question 50

Dwarf Shortage - if you find that offensive, grow up…

Answer 50

POW * oxymoron

Question 51

I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction

Answer 51

POW * simple truth

Question 52

I come from a large family - nine parents…

Question 53

I’m constipated and I couldn’t give a shit…

Question 54

I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure…

Answer 54

POW - simple truth

Question 55

I got this powdered water but now I don’t know what to add…

Question 56

An invisible man married an invisible woman - their kids were nothing to
look at either

Answer 56

simple truth *

Question 57

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

Question 58

I stuff my bra, so if you get to second base with me, you’ll find that the bases are loaded…

Question 59

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it…

Answer 59

simple truth *

Question 60

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t think of it as failure - think of it as time-release success

Answer 60

reformed cliche *

Question 61

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it’s too weak to go very far…

Question 62

Pedophiles don’t want to be called pedophiles - they want to be called priests…

Answer 62

realism - shock *

Question 63

We have a presidential election
and I think that the big problem is
that someone will win…

Answer 63

Realism - understatement

Question 64

I’m in a restaurant and I’m eating and someone says, mind if I smoke? and I say, uh no, do you mind if I fart?

Answer 64

realism - shock *

Question 65

I’m an orgasm donor…

Answer 65

reformed cliche *

Question 66

It’s better to give than receive, especially advice…

Answer 66

take-off *

Question 67

Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?

Answer 67

simple truth *

Question 68

A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing

Answer 68

definition (x/is)

Question 69

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity…

Answer 69

simile *

Question 70

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s
deep enough. What do you want,
an adorable pancreas?

Answer 70

take-off *

Question 71

I’m kind of lazy. I’m dating a pregnant woman…

Answer 71

Realism - understatement

Question 72

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Answer 72

paired elements *

Question 73

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Answer 73

simile *

Question 74

What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

Answer 74

reverse *

Question 75

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Answer 75

triples *

Question 76

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Answer 76

simple truth *

Question 77

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s easy as cake.

Question 78

A pun is the lowest form of humor - unless you think of it first

Question 79

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man…

Answer 79

reverse

Question 80

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they would never expect it.

Question 81

If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything…

Answer 81

reformed cliche *

Question 82

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment…

Answer 82

reformed cliche *

Question 83

I celebrate thanksgiving the old
fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them all and take their land.

Question 84

My dad died fucking. My father came and went at the same time.

Question 85

Just say NO to negativity…

Answer 85

POW - play on words

Question 86

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue…

Answer 86

paired elements *

Question 87

Hi. I’m, I’m … You’ll have to forgive me, I’m terrible with names …

Answer 87

cartoon - die laughing

Question 88

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, why’s that finger up so far?

Answer 88

POW * rhyming words

Question 89

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
both a winner and a loser,
at the same time

Answer 89

ambivalence *

Question 90

Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot
and anyone driving faster than you
is a maniac?

Answer 90

paired elements *

Question 91

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch…

Answer 91

irony

Question 92

We were poor. If I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

Answer 92

double entendre *

Question 93

The best things in life are free. So, how many kittens would you like?

Answer 93

take-off * funny words

Question 94

There is a saving grace in humor - when you fail, no one is laughing at you…

Question 95

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman always knows.

Question 96

Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways…

Answer 96

paired elements

Question 97

Fear is being stuck in traffic after two cups of coffee and a bran muffin…

Answer 97

“X” IS… (definition)
funny words (stuck, muffin)

Question 98

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Answer 98

paired elements *

Question 99

Criminal lawyer - or, is that redundant?

Answer 99

POW * oxymoron

Question 100

I call my lawyer and ask, can I ask you two questions? My lawyer says, what’s the second question?

Answer 100

simple truth *

Question 101

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make a difference.

Answer 101

POW - play on words

Question 102

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone, who will then leave them alone.

Answer 102

reverse *
realism-overstatement

Question 103

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Answer 103

simple truth *

Question 104

What if hypothetical situations did not exist? do not actually exist)

Answer 104

Simple truth *

Question 105

I think racism is a terrible thing. I think we should all learn to hate each other in an individual way. (on an individual basis)

Answer 105

paired elements *

Question 106

We are what we eat. I’m fast, cheap and easy…

Answer 106

triples *

Question 107

I’ve heard that dogs are man’s best friends. That explains where men get their hygiene tips…

Answer 107

take-off *

Question 108

My wife and I don’t get along,
I take my meals separately,
I take separate vacations,
I sleep in a separate bedroom,
I’m doing everything I can
to keep this marriage together…

Answer 108

triples *

Question 109

What is the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly…

Answer 109

POW * reformed words

Question 110

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunions looking for a date…

Answer 110

double entendre *

Question 111

At my age, you hesitate to buy green bananas…

Answer 111

reverse *

Question 112

If we knew grandkids were so much fun, we would have had them first…

Answer 112

reverse *

Question 113

You probably know about MILF’s and DILF’s - at my age, I’m into GILF’s - grannies I’d like to fuck…

Question 114

Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Answer 114

“X” IS (definition)

Question 115

Have you noticed that couples who are dating never do what married couples do? You know, cleaning out the garage or taking out the garbage. If they did, there would be no second dates…

Question 116

Have you ever noticed that people on television are never watching television?

Question 117

Vacuuming Sucks

Answer 117

POW - simple truth

Question 118

No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the dollar store.

Question 119

My father was so cheap. We’d eat Hamburger Helper with no hamburger.

Answer 119

(my family was so poor)

Question 120

I married Mr Right. Mr Always Right.

Question 121

They say “guns don’t kill people, people kill people”, but I think the guns help.
Just standing there saying “bang”
doesn’t really hurt anybody.

Question 122

Gasoline may go to $7 a gallon to cover the ever-increasing cost of screwing us.

Question 123

He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you.

Question 124

My dad said I’d never amount to anything. Lucky guess.

Question 125

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it, or leave it.

Question 126

When a man says “fine”, he means everything’s fine. When a woman says “fine” she means, “I’m really ticked off, and you have to find out why”.

Question 127

Women want food, water and compliments. Know what men want? Food, sex and silence.

Question 128

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Question 129

I don’t think a woman should be a virgin before marriage. She should have had at least one other disappointing experience.

Question 130

Not eating meat is a decision; eating meat is an instinct.

Answer 130

Paired Elements *

Question 131

People assume that because I’m a vegetarian, I’m into other kinds of social activism. They say, “do you care about the environment?” No, I eat the environment.

Question 132

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Question 133

Cross-country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.

Question 134

I love sleep. It’s the best of both worlds. You get to be alive, and unconscious.

Question 135

I’m single by choice. Not my choice.

Question 136

You know “that look” women give when they want sex? Me, neither.

Question 137

I don’t need Viagra. I need a pill to help me talk afterwards.

Question 138

Remember: a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.

Answer 138

Paired Elements

Question 139

If God had wanted us to vote. He would have given us candidates.

Question 140

In this country you’re guilty until proven wealthy.

Answer 140

Reformed Cliche *

Question 141

Blank minds think alike.

Question 142

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Question 143

I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day they pushed the clock ahead.

Question 144

I sex for five hours once, but four and a half was apologizing.

Question 145

After making love, I said to my wife, “was it good for you, too?” And she said “I don’t think that was good for anybody”

Question 146

Last time I tried to make love to my wife, nothing was happening, so I said to her, “what’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

Question 147

I tell ya, I have no sex life. My dog watched me in the bedroom, to learn how to beg. He also taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Question 148

I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.

Question 149

We were Pentecostal. That’s just a light bulb and a car away from being Amish.

Question 150

I’m not codependent, myself, but aren’t they great to have around?

Question 151

I found this site where models are selling their eggs over the internet. Oh great, that’s just what the world needs, more vanity. Not more Einstein or Picassos. More anorexic, cat-walking hat racks.

Question 152

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Question 153

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Question 154

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their day.

Question 155

I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Question 156

Life is what happens when you’re not watching television.

Question 157

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

Question 158

My favorite toy was the Crayola sixty-four box. It’s like a child’s orgasm.

Question 159

I find television educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Question 160

I don’t like to channel surf. You guys like it don’t you. You like to change the channel. We like to change you.

Answer 160

(funny idea, but a lot of words)

Question 161

If you know the average person is stupid, then realize that half are stupider than that.

Question 162

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is. It’s always room temperature, right?

Question 163

The problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Question 164

I think everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Question 165

Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

Question 166

The world would be a safer place if supermodels used their powers to fight more than just fashion crime.

Question 167

Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?

Answer 167

(they never tell you that, do they?) - inspired by George Carlin
Reformed Cliche *

Question 168

In high school, I could not pass a math test. I couldn’t pass a drug test either. There may be a correlation.

Question 169

There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Answer 169

(feeling like an idiot) - mine

Question 170

People always say, “he died penniless” as if it’s a terrible thing. Sounds like good timing to me.

Answer 170

(Strikes me as being good timing)

Question 171

I’m always amazed how the poor can take so much of our money and still remain poor. What are they doing with it?

Answer 171

complex and interesting and intriguing

Question 172

I’ve got a lot of ideas. Trouble us, most of them suck.

Question 173

I don’t get no respect. I joined Gambler’s Anonymous. They gave me two to one odds that I don’t make it.

Question 174

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Question 175

We took a cruise. It depends on the boat. You have to get on a good boat. They have the Fantasy, the Ecstasy. We were on the Hysterectomy.

Question 176

When I was applying for a job I went from having no discernible skills to lying about having no discernible skills.

Question 177

Blondes have more fun, don’t they?
They must. How many brunettes do you see walking around with blonde roots?

Answer 177

(have you ever seen a brunette with blonde roots?) funny observation, just needs some editing

Question 178

My son has a new nickname for me, “baldy”. Son, I’ve got a new word for you, “heredity”.

Answer 178

(not funny, but harks back to Jana when she was a teenager - her reaction was funny) - “I hate you” - “then you must hate half of yourself, because 50% of your blood is mine” - she said, “is that true?”

Question 179

When your memory goes, forget it!

Answer 179

POW - simple truth

Question 180

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Question 181

I don’t feel like an old man. I feel like a young man who has something the matter with him.

Answer 181

(wrong with him) (a serious problem)

Question 182

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

Question 183

Doctor talking with a patient: sometimes, it helps to turn a question around.
Why not me?

Question 184

I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

Question 185

Too crass? You should see the ones I left out.

Answer 185

(too vulgar?)

Question 186

Mae West - I used to be Snow White, but I drifted…

Answer 186

POW - simple truth / double entendre

Question 187

I hate telephone solicitors. I’d rather get an obscene call; at least they work for themselves.

Question 188

Roseanne Barr - people say that I’m not very feminine. Well they can suck my dick!

Answer 188

Take-off with idiom (suck my dick) as punchline reverse

Question 189

I love humanity. It’s people I can’t stand

Answer 189

(I love mankind)

Question 190

OXYMORONS:
good grief
working vacation
soft rock
small crowd
pretty ugly
even odds

Question 191

I once wanted to save the world. Now I just want to leave the room with some dignity.

Question 192

Reality, what a concept….

Question 193

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Question 194

I’ll tell ya, in New York City, “fuck” isn’t even a word, it’s more like a comma.

Question 195

Comedy is the blues, for people who can’t sing.

Answer 195

I like this but it belongs in a different card deck

Question 196

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Question 197

Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously…

Question 198

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

Question 199

I’m going to fix that joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Question 200

If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn’t text any slower.

Answer 200

(type)

Question 201

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, unless they are renting.

Answer 201

(renters)

Question 202

I have learned that, with death, it’s better to procrastinate.

Question 203

If hand puppets were real, all they would talk about is the hand up their ass.

Question 204

Not listening is crucial, if you’re going to be right, all the time.

Answer 204

Why Funny? - twisty ignorance spoken as if it’s wisdom - sarcasm at its best - irony - saying one thing and meaning the opposite

Question 205

What you said to me, while I wasn’t listening, makes a lot of sense.

Question 206

Cafeteria. Cafe plus bacteria?
I will eat at home.

Answer 206

What is (definition)

Question 207

Eating dairy gives me the hives, but I won’t just quit. That’s not the way love works.

Question 208

Bertrand Russell - I would never die for my beliefs, I might be wrong…

Answer 208

Philosophy, at its best can also be funny

Question 209

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Answer 209

(like it, but it begs for a take-off riff)

Question 210

A clean conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Answer 210

(like it, needs some kind of take-off)

Question 211

The reason they call it the American dream is because you have to be sleeping to believe it - George Carlin

Question 212

If you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem - George Carlin

Question 213

Humanity - we think we’re so smart- it took us 2000 years to put wheels on our luggage!

Question 214

The masses are asses…

Answer 214

POW - homonyms

Question 215

Things that should be phased out: athletes and coaches who give more than one hundred percent - George Carlin

Question 216

Being a fish out of water is tough, but that’s how we evolved…

Question 217

It’s weird, now that I’m in my fifties, I feel that I gain weight just by looking at a cake - that I’m finishing. - Wendy Liebman

Question 218

It’s scary how being broke creeps up on you. There are three signs you’re broke - you can’t afford to go to fancy restaurants - you’re taking on odd jobs - and - your new pickup line is: “are you going to finish that?”

Question 219

I was an English teacher, but had to move on. I couldn’t handle the money and prestige. (Nice irony)

Answer 219

Irony

Question 220

I’m half German and half Irish. That means that I drink a lot, but I’m very strict about it.

Question 221

Power corrupts, PowerPoint corrupts absolutely.

Question 222

I could tell you but I don’t know…

Answer 222

Usage blunder

Question 223

the compassion. Gandhi’s got nothing on you…

Question 224

Visual humor - big/small voice bubbles - New Yorker saying “fuck you” in big bubble and “how ya doing?” in small bubble - versus - Californian saying “how ya doing?” In big bubble and “fuck you” in small bubble - human nature balanced

Answer 224

PAIRED ELEMENTS

Question 225

If you meet 3 assholes during a day, then you are one of them (doesn’t make sense, but then it does)

Question 226

Here’s a sure fire way to to live to a ripe old age - eat a meatball a day for a hundred years

Question 227

Mill Valium = cute / every syllable plus one at the end

Answer 227

Oxymoron and Redundancy + Homonym

Question 228

I love Florida; everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages and the IQ

Question 229

Just remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.

Question 230

Always be yourself, unless you suck

Answer 230

Take-off

Question 231

I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was - I said it’s between an 8am and 1pm

Question 232

George Burns and Gracie Allen - because I love her…

Question 233

If the answer is love. Please rephrase the question

Question 234

The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter

Question 235

Capital punishment means those without the capital get the punishment

Answer 235

What is (definition)

Question 236

Kids, before we get started (competition), please remind your parents that this is just a game…

Question 237

Epigram - Winston Churchill - you can always count on Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried everything else.

Question 238

If we all practiced an eye for an eye we would all be blind

Question 239

It wasn’t a lie, it was a spin..
(movie)

Question 240

the Stone Age did not end because they ran out of stones…