Favorite Jokes (not mine) Flashcards
Small world, unless you have to clean it…
take-off *
Why is it funny?
idiom / cliche - joke has element of both simple-truth and take-off and reverse (opposites) - simply clever
TEE + THREES (comedy syntax)
2 ducks are in a pond - 1 duck says, quack! - the other duck says, that’s
what I was going to say!
Make love, not war, or do both, get married…
take-off * ambivalence
Why funny?
classic cliche meets reality - marriage is both - 2 sides of same coin - clever
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
take-off
Why funny?
cliche - clever take-off but also has strong reverse qualities - you have to backtrack to compare quantities of stupid people and happy people and then come up short
Do you think the homeless get knock knock jokes?
Why funny?
reversal qualities - visual backtrack - homeless don’t have doors - clever
I think that it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone…
POW * homophones
Why funny?
love the disconnection between why men wear cologne (to be social) and how repulsive it can be - homophone
Is just the icing on the cake
Sorry, I have AGE…
Why funny?
spoken as if AGE is a disease - funny because age is not a disease but our youth culture treats it as such
The secret of life is sincerity and if you can fake that, you’ve in… (got it made)
take-off or reverse
Why funny?
ironic truth spoken - sincerity / fake
Those are my principles and if you don’t like them, we’ll, I’ve got others…
take-off
Why funny?
Cliche about values and convictions and then slip and slide - unexpected change in direction that’s about life
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things…
paired elements * double entendre
Why funny?
cute opposites with dirty double entendre - requires listener to backtrack
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
Why funny?
visual game - acting out - sort of simple truth - complicated - clever - backtrack
What is another word for thesaurus?
POW - play on words
Why funny?
ironic quality that there is no “other word” for a book that is used to find other words - backtrack
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments…
Why funny?
plays on two interpretations of caring, first is personal - second is business - backtrack
If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is definitely not for you…
take-off
Why funny?
Cliche - try, try again - sky diving failure is final and funny - backtrack
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life, as long as I die by tomorrow (unless I buy something)
(if I die by 4:00)
Why funny?
plays with “rest of my life” - unexpected interpretation - backtrack
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
take-off
Why funny?
pure okay on words - idioms that don’t make sense - making fun of our illogical language
At my age, being immature is a good thing…
Why funny?
clever reverse - old age reference - immaturity - 2 interpretations - foolish or youthful - old people want to the youthful interpretation
Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night
A fool and his money was lucky to get together in the first place
take-off
I learned about sex the hard way, from books!
My mom did not breast feed me, she said that she just liked me as a friend
double entendre *
I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it…
She was an earthy woman, so I treated her like dirt…
simple truth *
Why funny?
perfectly logical and perfectly illogical - that’s what makes it funny
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged - a liberal is a conservative who has been arrested
paired elements *
I left journalism because I met too many interesting people at an uninteresting salary
paired elements
Pilot to passengers - we are having a short delay for engine repairs - aren’t you glad you are down here wishing you were up there, than being up there, rushing you were down here?
paired elements *
I’m against picketers but I don’t know how to show it…
simple truth
That restaurant is so popular, that no one goes there anymore
POW * malaprops
Include me out…
POW * malaprops
What do you love about being 100 years old - no peer pressure…
I’m a procrastinator, but I’ll worry about that later…
I don’t stop eating when I’m full.
The meal isn’t over when I’m full.
It’s over when I hate myself.
I have the body of a 63 year old man and the bank account of a 18 year old…
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret…
Don’t play dead with a vulture, that’s exactly what they want.
In the United States anyone can be president - that’s the problem…
take-off *
I’ve never believed in casual sex - I’ve always tried as hard as I could…
simple truth
I’m a quadrasexual - that means I will do anything with anyone for a quarter…
triples *
I’ve been married fourteen years, and I have 3 kids. Obviously, I breed well in captivity.
reverse *
Procrastinate now; don’t put it off….
POW - irony
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
My wife made me get a new pair of glasses. I wasn’t seeing things her way.
reverse
If you think you have it tough, read history books…
I went to college, but I learned nothing. My double major was psychology and reverse psychology.
reverse
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery…
reformed cliche *
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don’t really know me
The only normal people are the ones you don’t know too well.
She was so hot looking, even my tongue was hard…
double entendre *
I like using self-deprecating humor, but I’m not very good at it…
POW - simple truth
Dwarf Shortage - if you find that offensive, grow up…
POW * oxymoron
I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction
POW * simple truth
I come from a large family - nine parents…
I’m constipated and I couldn’t give a shit…
I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure…
POW - simple truth
I got this powdered water but now I don’t know what to add…
An invisible man married an invisible woman - their kids were nothing to
look at either
simple truth *
If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
I stuff my bra, so if you get to second base with me, you’ll find that the bases are loaded…
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it…
simple truth *
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t think of it as failure - think of it as time-release success
reformed cliche *
My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it’s too weak to go very far…
Pedophiles don’t want to be called pedophiles - they want to be called priests…
realism - shock *
We have a presidential election
and I think that the big problem is
that someone will win…
Realism - understatement
I’m in a restaurant and I’m eating and someone says, mind if I smoke? and I say, uh no, do you mind if I fart?
realism - shock *
I’m an orgasm donor…
reformed cliche *
It’s better to give than receive, especially advice…
take-off *
Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?
simple truth *
A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing
definition (x/is)
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity…
simile *
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s
deep enough. What do you want,
an adorable pancreas?
take-off *
I’m kind of lazy. I’m dating a pregnant woman…
Realism - understatement
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
paired elements *
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
simile *
What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
reverse *
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
triples *
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
simple truth *
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s easy as cake.
A pun is the lowest form of humor - unless you think of it first
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man…
reverse
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they would never expect it.
If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything…
reformed cliche *
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment…
reformed cliche *
I celebrate thanksgiving the old
fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them all and take their land.
My dad died fucking. My father came and went at the same time.
Just say NO to negativity…
POW - play on words
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue…
paired elements *
Hi. I’m, I’m … You’ll have to forgive me, I’m terrible with names …
cartoon - die laughing
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, why’s that finger up so far?
POW * rhyming words
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
both a winner and a loser,
at the same time
ambivalence *
Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot
and anyone driving faster than you
is a maniac?
paired elements *
My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch…
irony
We were poor. If I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
double entendre *
The best things in life are free. So, how many kittens would you like?
take-off * funny words
There is a saving grace in humor - when you fail, no one is laughing at you…
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman always knows.
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways…
paired elements
Fear is being stuck in traffic after two cups of coffee and a bran muffin…
“X” IS… (definition)
funny words (stuck, muffin)
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
paired elements *
Criminal lawyer - or, is that redundant?
POW * oxymoron
I call my lawyer and ask, can I ask you two questions? My lawyer says, what’s the second question?
simple truth *
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make a difference.
POW - play on words
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone, who will then leave them alone.
reverse *
realism-overstatement
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
simple truth *
What if hypothetical situations did not exist? do not actually exist)
Simple truth *
I think racism is a terrible thing. I think we should all learn to hate each other in an individual way. (on an individual basis)
paired elements *
We are what we eat. I’m fast, cheap and easy…
triples *
I’ve heard that dogs are man’s best friends. That explains where men get their hygiene tips…
take-off *
My wife and I don’t get along,
I take my meals separately,
I take separate vacations,
I sleep in a separate bedroom,
I’m doing everything I can
to keep this marriage together…
triples *
What is the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly…
POW * reformed words
You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunions looking for a date…
double entendre *
At my age, you hesitate to buy green bananas…
reverse *
If we knew grandkids were so much fun, we would have had them first…
reverse *
You probably know about MILF’s and DILF’s - at my age, I’m into GILF’s - grannies I’d like to fuck…
Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense
“X” IS (definition)
Have you noticed that couples who are dating never do what married couples do? You know, cleaning out the garage or taking out the garbage. If they did, there would be no second dates…
Have you ever noticed that people on television are never watching television?
Vacuuming Sucks
POW - simple truth
No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the dollar store.
My father was so cheap. We’d eat Hamburger Helper with no hamburger.
(my family was so poor)
I married Mr Right. Mr Always Right.
They say “guns don’t kill people, people kill people”, but I think the guns help.
Just standing there saying “bang”
doesn’t really hurt anybody.
Gasoline may go to $7 a gallon to cover the ever-increasing cost of screwing us.
He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you.
My dad said I’d never amount to anything. Lucky guess.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it, or leave it.
When a man says “fine”, he means everything’s fine. When a woman says “fine” she means, “I’m really ticked off, and you have to find out why”.
Women want food, water and compliments. Know what men want? Food, sex and silence.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
I don’t think a woman should be a virgin before marriage. She should have had at least one other disappointing experience.
Not eating meat is a decision; eating meat is an instinct.
Paired Elements *
People assume that because I’m a vegetarian, I’m into other kinds of social activism. They say, “do you care about the environment?” No, I eat the environment.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
Cross-country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.
I love sleep. It’s the best of both worlds. You get to be alive, and unconscious.
I’m single by choice. Not my choice.
You know “that look” women give when they want sex? Me, neither.
I don’t need Viagra. I need a pill to help me talk afterwards.
Remember: a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.
Paired Elements
If God had wanted us to vote. He would have given us candidates.
In this country you’re guilty until proven wealthy.
Reformed Cliche *
Blank minds think alike.
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day they pushed the clock ahead.
I sex for five hours once, but four and a half was apologizing.
After making love, I said to my wife, “was it good for you, too?” And she said “I don’t think that was good for anybody”
Last time I tried to make love to my wife, nothing was happening, so I said to her, “what’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”
I tell ya, I have no sex life. My dog watched me in the bedroom, to learn how to beg. He also taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
We were Pentecostal. That’s just a light bulb and a car away from being Amish.
I’m not codependent, myself, but aren’t they great to have around?
I found this site where models are selling their eggs over the internet. Oh great, that’s just what the world needs, more vanity. Not more Einstein or Picassos. More anorexic, cat-walking hat racks.
A man is only as faithful as his options.
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their day.
I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Life is what happens when you’re not watching television.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
My favorite toy was the Crayola sixty-four box. It’s like a child’s orgasm.
I find television educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I don’t like to channel surf. You guys like it don’t you. You like to change the channel. We like to change you.
(funny idea, but a lot of words)
If you know the average person is stupid, then realize that half are stupider than that.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is. It’s always room temperature, right?
The problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
I think everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
The world would be a safer place if supermodels used their powers to fight more than just fashion crime.
Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?
(they never tell you that, do they?) - inspired by George Carlin
Reformed Cliche *
In high school, I could not pass a math test. I couldn’t pass a drug test either. There may be a correlation.
There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
(feeling like an idiot) - mine
People always say, “he died penniless” as if it’s a terrible thing. Sounds like good timing to me.
(Strikes me as being good timing)
I’m always amazed how the poor can take so much of our money and still remain poor. What are they doing with it?
complex and interesting and intriguing
I’ve got a lot of ideas. Trouble us, most of them suck.
I don’t get no respect. I joined Gambler’s Anonymous. They gave me two to one odds that I don’t make it.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
We took a cruise. It depends on the boat. You have to get on a good boat. They have the Fantasy, the Ecstasy. We were on the Hysterectomy.
When I was applying for a job I went from having no discernible skills to lying about having no discernible skills.
Blondes have more fun, don’t they?
They must. How many brunettes do you see walking around with blonde roots?
(have you ever seen a brunette with blonde roots?) funny observation, just needs some editing
My son has a new nickname for me, “baldy”. Son, I’ve got a new word for you, “heredity”.
(not funny, but harks back to Jana when she was a teenager - her reaction was funny) - “I hate you” - “then you must hate half of yourself, because 50% of your blood is mine” - she said, “is that true?”
When your memory goes, forget it!
POW - simple truth
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I don’t feel like an old man. I feel like a young man who has something the matter with him.
(wrong with him) (a serious problem)
Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
Doctor talking with a patient: sometimes, it helps to turn a question around.
Why not me?
I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.
Too crass? You should see the ones I left out.
(too vulgar?)
Mae West - I used to be Snow White, but I drifted…
POW - simple truth / double entendre
I hate telephone solicitors. I’d rather get an obscene call; at least they work for themselves.
Roseanne Barr - people say that I’m not very feminine. Well they can suck my dick!
Take-off with idiom (suck my dick) as punchline reverse
I love humanity. It’s people I can’t stand
(I love mankind)
OXYMORONS:
good grief
working vacation
soft rock
small crowd
pretty ugly
even odds
I once wanted to save the world. Now I just want to leave the room with some dignity.
Reality, what a concept….
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
I’ll tell ya, in New York City, “fuck” isn’t even a word, it’s more like a comma.
Comedy is the blues, for people who can’t sing.
I like this but it belongs in a different card deck
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously…
The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.
I’m going to fix that joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn’t text any slower.
(type)
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, unless they are renting.
(renters)
I have learned that, with death, it’s better to procrastinate.
If hand puppets were real, all they would talk about is the hand up their ass.
Not listening is crucial, if you’re going to be right, all the time.
Why Funny? - twisty ignorance spoken as if it’s wisdom - sarcasm at its best - irony - saying one thing and meaning the opposite
What you said to me, while I wasn’t listening, makes a lot of sense.
Cafeteria. Cafe plus bacteria?
I will eat at home.
What is (definition)
Eating dairy gives me the hives, but I won’t just quit. That’s not the way love works.
Bertrand Russell - I would never die for my beliefs, I might be wrong…
Philosophy, at its best can also be funny
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
(like it, but it begs for a take-off riff)
A clean conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
(like it, needs some kind of take-off)
The reason they call it the American dream is because you have to be sleeping to believe it - George Carlin
If you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem - George Carlin
Humanity - we think we’re so smart- it took us 2000 years to put wheels on our luggage!
The masses are asses…
POW - homonyms
Things that should be phased out: athletes and coaches who give more than one hundred percent - George Carlin
Being a fish out of water is tough, but that’s how we evolved…
It’s weird, now that I’m in my fifties, I feel that I gain weight just by looking at a cake - that I’m finishing. - Wendy Liebman
It’s scary how being broke creeps up on you. There are three signs you’re broke - you can’t afford to go to fancy restaurants - you’re taking on odd jobs - and - your new pickup line is: “are you going to finish that?”
I was an English teacher, but had to move on. I couldn’t handle the money and prestige. (Nice irony)
Irony
I’m half German and half Irish. That means that I drink a lot, but I’m very strict about it.
Power corrupts, PowerPoint corrupts absolutely.
I could tell you but I don’t know…
Usage blunder
the compassion. Gandhi’s got nothing on you…
Visual humor - big/small voice bubbles - New Yorker saying “fuck you” in big bubble and “how ya doing?” in small bubble - versus - Californian saying “how ya doing?” In big bubble and “fuck you” in small bubble - human nature balanced
PAIRED ELEMENTS
If you meet 3 assholes during a day, then you are one of them (doesn’t make sense, but then it does)
Here’s a sure fire way to to live to a ripe old age - eat a meatball a day for a hundred years
Mill Valium = cute / every syllable plus one at the end
Oxymoron and Redundancy + Homonym
I love Florida; everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages and the IQ
Just remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Always be yourself, unless you suck
Take-off
I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was - I said it’s between an 8am and 1pm
George Burns and Gracie Allen - because I love her…
If the answer is love. Please rephrase the question
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter
Capital punishment means those without the capital get the punishment
What is (definition)
Kids, before we get started (competition), please remind your parents that this is just a game…
Epigram - Winston Churchill - you can always count on Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried everything else.
If we all practiced an eye for an eye we would all be blind
It wasn’t a lie, it was a spin..
(movie)
the Stone Age did not end because they ran out of stones…
