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Comedy #!?* > Favorite jokes (mine) > Flashcards

Favorite jokes (mine) Flashcards

1
Q

You want my vote? It’s for sale. Show me the money.

A

We often make fun of politicians. What about politicians making fun of us, you know, our integrity, our honor and our honesty…
TEE + THREES (comedy syntax)

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2
Q

Sales is pretty good preparation for standup comedy.

A

You have to believe in your product (smile) - you are definitely all alone - you are definitely dependent on the opinions and reaction of others - you wonder what they will believe - you wonder how you can trick them into thinking a certain way - your product is rarely the best - I may not be the best but you could do worse - in some ways sales is easier - sales is inviting yourself to talk about something that no one wants to talk about

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3
Q

I was last of a dying breed - door to door salesman - truly unique activity in today’s modern world

A
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4
Q

I’m not special (not a snob) but I am special (self esteem) - funny juxtaposition

A
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5
Q

Old person heavy sigh for doing nothing - Jerry Seinfeld type of humor - Mendocino - after breakfast

A
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6
Q

Network News - grade school morality lesson- story time - brain washing - Readers Digest - people like it - networks are all about market share

A
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7
Q

Progressive Agenda - how can I embrace the ideals without embracing the insanity - example - San Fransicko

A
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8
Q

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you - Silicon Valley miracles are for the most part capitalism at its sharpest

A
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9
Q

Skepticism is good - cynicism is bad - joke about - difference between - structure joke

A

Triggered - politics (darkness) - can’t get on top of that - can’t laugh it off - old? - Ukraine - from one war to another - overnight - American public instant idiots - numb / hold my tongue - reasons why it’s right - I hate politics - trillion dollar give away - black lives matters - me too movement - inflation - trump is an idiot - 2 party system

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10
Q

Can’t - (shouldn’t) get upset over things you can’t control

A
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11
Q

Marriage - you fight with yourself - you also have to fight with your spouse - battle ready - healthy to find way to tolerate - bigger mind - bigger the difference

A

If you can make it in New York - you can make it anywhere - take-off or simple truth or reformed cliche or reverse or realism-over/under/shock or irony or double entendre or POW OR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

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12
Q

I’m a one person person - just like my dad - Intimacy - really just one person - my wife

A

Never saw my parents argue - my mom was perhaps co-dependent - it was a little more our in the open with me and my wife - passive aggressive versus aggressive aggressive

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13
Q

Marriage is dodge ball…

A

Funny way to have fun

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14
Q

Patience is worth it - marriage

A

Marriage is just a nice-version of the world - 2 people - 8 billion - getting along and relating is challenging - be patient - stand your ground - decide what you are willing to settle for and what you will not compromise on

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15
Q

Robin Williams - no wonder he killed himself

A

Quote - I used to believe that being lonely was the worst thing in life - that was not true - worst is being around people who make you feel lonely - Bob Newhart - don’t get too close to truth

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16
Q

Pleasure / pain - slipping on banana peel - tragedy and humor - thin line - need to understand paradox or at least laugh at it - joke

A
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17
Q

Optimism in contrast or in response to challenge - bridge is practice for life - health problems - depression - strength - self discipline - logic of optimism - triples

A
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18
Q

TRIPLES - all of my jokes - 3 step buildup - also - lightbulb - dimmer switch - topper

A
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19
Q

Sales - just like sales - no respect - no skill other than having big balls and arrogant attitude - strange profession - not terribly different than standup comedy

A

Always trying to put the “moves” on without letting the buyer know it - manipulation - deception - plotting - just like comedy

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20
Q

Being worn out and worn down - good or bad? Stones in streams (river stones) or New England rocky coast (same thing)!

A
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21
Q

Thinking - oh fuck - meta to avoid actual thought - abstract it

A
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22
Q

Humiliation - dangerous emotion - desire to do something about it - foolish - birds and bees - grateful he hung around - hanging around - life is difficult - fifty fifty - divorce - better off - did not owe him her sanity

A
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23
Q

Marriage is definitely lateral thinking - never go directly at something - you don’t have enough info to solve the problem - solution has to be outside of the problem

A
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24
Q

Comedy - good challenge - can’t figure it out - that’s for me - ultimately I will - then like bridge - constant mistakes - I am a mountain climber - not sure why - maybe doesn’t matter

A
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25
Q

Stress - surprised I am alive - anxiety attacks - fear of driving off a cliff - getting better - maybe comedy challenge is helping - face your fesrs

A
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26
Q

At my age - similar to redneck jokes

A

At my age, immaturity is a good thing… (could be used in its variation as a running gag)

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27
Q

ALEXA - has to be something funny about talking to a computer that is more articulate than a human being

A
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28
Q

Persona - 5 word description - old man telling “gassy” jokes - cool challenge - like haiku - maybe more than five words - minimize is key - maybe syllables

A
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29
Q

My iPhone is not a phone

A

Not the smartest guy in the world but I know that my iPhone really is not a phone - for me, its….

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30
Q

Holiday Family Dinners - I need an algorithm to manage all the conflicting desires, identities and emotions - egos - anger - hostilities - sibling rivalries - should be humor in incongruity

A

The worst - incompatible personalities - all good people

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31
Q

Green Waste container - target - don’t know everything but I do know that I’m not saving the world by composting

A

If each of us just does our part - participatory madness - joke that is taken seriously

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32
Q

Buying a car is like consenting to have sex - foreplay, sweet talk, the full Monty - strangely enough I like it better with a man - I know he doesn’t give a shot about me

A
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33
Q

Being a salesman is really doing nothing but “being” - no real value added to the product . Maybe better fit - but here’s the thing - just like advertising / it does not matter if you like it - it is baked into the selling price

A

Maybe too harsh - a sales person helps a buyer overcome buyer hesitancy - my recent purchase of car - no illusion - I still wanted the sweet talk, the sweet lies well told - the acceptance of my small price concession request - it was almost like he lost respect when I asked for such a small price concession

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34
Q

MILF, DILF and more age appropriate for me, GILF - grannies I’d like to fuck - makes the suburbs interesting to live in

A

At a certain age you become a dirty old man - maybe when beyond a doubt your fantasies with a younger woman are never going to happen…

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35
Q

Holiday - this year easier - one child - usually all 3 kids - triangulation - like algebra - makes my head hurt - whose sensibilities are being hurt or jangled - lot of diversity

A
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36
Q

Children - genetic diversity with same parent / we are definitely not dogs - you breed 2 pure breed you get basically the same dog features - golden retrievers - gentile, beautiful - with people you get Joan of arc and Attila the Hun and the pope

A

Hey we need a salesman to sell this shit - tagline - triples to set up tension - accountant - x - salesman to sell this shit

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37
Q

Remember tampering with established name brand products - tamper proof tops - yo assure public - most are not - assholes who get their kicks doing this kind of thing just got bored - been there, done that…

A

Maybe computer viruses are just more fun

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38
Q

Mass shootings - copycat shit - sad but true - our media response is also sad - bandwagon agenda - can’t we do better? George z Carlin would know what to say… you know you are in trouble when you turn to Gerge Carlin for advice…

A
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39
Q

Maybe we need to hate - maybe we need to denigrate - Russians are our favorite target now - changes - you know, Germans and Japanese and North Vietnamese

A
40
Q

It’s understandable that blacks might believe that all white people are the same - not true - there are white peoples and then there are Germans

A
41
Q

Wife Jokes (flipping)

A

2 reasons - it’s not the way I think and secondly if she finds them, she will kill me - throw in my glasses joke

42
Q

Too inhibited to tell a racy joke (right way) - example - I’m a wuadrasexual…

A
43
Q

Beautiful tree - you’d swear it wasn’t real…

A

Actually pretty good!!!

44
Q

Astronaut - space walking - terrifying when you are doing it, two days later - the midst fun I ever had - my dilemma in retirement - challenge / enjoyment / sustainable

A
45
Q

Marriage - big 3 issue - compatibility - ambivalence / love / hate

A
46
Q

Homeless Crazy - simultaneously being the performer snd audience - need to connect to audience - that’s why I’m here

A

Parents revenge for our hippy shit

47
Q

3 little pigs - triples - I love triples - these are my big 3 issues

A
48
Q

Don’t watch a lot of television - I know - hard to believe

A
49
Q

ALIVE -
Pickleball - wild exuberance
children (<10 years) - crazy chaos
Hot tub / pool - spontaneous chats
Gardener - alive - standup comedy - dad - you know you are alive

A
50
Q

XFINITY - female perspective

A

TARGET - hostility and prejudice - female perspective

51
Q

Have you noticed that the cost of everything seems to be going up?

A

14% interest rates when we bought our home - no competition - adaptability - always opportunities

52
Q

twinkle twinkle little star…

A

Why is that finger up so far?
women were always uncomfortable with make gynecologist - switch - female nurse practitioner - embarrassment

53
Q

Ambivalence - love / hate - alternating current - shocked when I’m loved and shocked when I’m hated

A

Maybe key to life - the middle is the concept of balance - but you are never actually in the middle - divorces occur because of the dogmatic belief that love is incompatible with hate - 2 sides of the same coin - make love not war - or - do both - get married - 48 years - f I were a bird she would be the sky I fly in - if I were a fish - she would be tge icean I swim in - if I

54
Q

*Paired elements - if bird - if fish - if…

A
55
Q

*LEAD WITH FEAR - some people are afraid of doing standup comedy - let me tell you what fear is - fear is getting stuck in traffic after / cups of coffee and a bran muffin

A
56
Q

Different hygiene standards - men and women - my version of clean house and my wife’s are worlds apart

A
57
Q

I love standup baecause for 5 minutes I escape my seriousness - because comedy is not about me - for 5 minutes the only way for me to stay alive is to focus totally on you my audience - that’s good - that’s like space walking

A
58
Q

The news - ugh - my son home from college - who listens to the news?

A
59
Q

Zoom - obvious but important - first time in my life that I’ve looked at myself so much - not really ego driven - sort of ego deflating - third party view of myself from viewers perspective - women - traditional gender role - mirror - this is a mirror - get used to it - guys - not really - 2 minutes a day

A
60
Q

Zoom - living in the future now - visual phone calls - 60’s space show - forces us to find something vital in the cold scream - expectations - funny - we don’t feel that way about actual phone calls - zoom is sort of like “too much information”

A
61
Q

Actually made a lot of money with a sociology theory - monopoly - who the hell would be stupid enough to be a sociology major?

A
62
Q

Know it all…

A

I always wanted to be a “know it all” - my joke delivered at my BNI ice breaker - encyclopedia story

63
Q

My hypocrisy - proposition 13 - I want the tax break - justify it by politician’s inability to stop expanding spending - sounds like shallow rationalization - even by me (recipient) - but truth is that old people would be driven out of their homes

A

Funny - it never stopped the rise in real estate prices - should have but didn’t - people who can buy expensive homes can pay expensive property tax - bottom line - prop 13 just shifts the hurt to someone else - worst for first time buyers

64
Q

15 years ago - first ride in hybrid car - Honda - “I have seen the future - and it’s boring”

A
65
Q

Comedy writing reality - I have lots of ideas, trouble is, most of them suck

A
66
Q

I’m not afraid of big things like rain, I’m afraid of little things like mosquitos

A
67
Q

Comedy is the only time when it’s ok to complain provided you laugh at the pain

A
68
Q

Immaculate conception…

A

from the very beginning - you were just not aware of it - you were fucked without knowing it - didn’t know it at the time - after losing a bridge hand - the cards were always lined up against you

69
Q

How are you doing…

A

If the response is: could be better,
say, then you are an optimist!

70
Q

You can’t be a cry baby…

A

and play bridge because with bridge you would be crying all the time…

71
Q

“what the what?” - my personal tagline (clean version of “what the fuck”)

A
72
Q

You want intimacy…

A

You know, isn’t funny that your spouse is not counted when you count up your friends - you know - how many friends do you have - not counting your spouse - like what are your assets not counting the value of your home - I live in california - are you kidding me? We spend all of our assets paying our mortgage and then we can’t include our home when we count up our assets? I have invested my all of my soul into my marriage and then she doesn’t count in my friend count? That’s not fair. Any other friendship has to be a pale in comparison - it’s not that they have no value - they do - it just will never rise to the level of intimacy of 49 years of co-habitation. So here’s the things- if we include our spouse in our friend count we then need to redefine friendship to include a healthy dose of hate-ship and most friendships can’t survive even small amounts of hate. I’m a pretty friendly guy but I’m not particularly intimate - I definitely like having fun and I like having fun with people but usually it’s in the context of an activity - tennis, golf, cards - you know - shared interests - I particularly like partnership games - doubles tennis - duplicate bridge -
I play duplicate bridge - you can’t get too much more socially intimate than that - 2 hour session - problem solving - missed signals - thrills and spills - 4 partnerships - each one is different

73
Q

Friendship - male / female divide - let’s get together for coffee and just talk - “yowser” - not sure guys do that well - I don’t do that well - but I am getting better - trying it with a men’s group friend - so far so good / yoga comparison - women are more flexible - women approach friendship in different ways - women are definitely capable of being nicer but also more capable of surgical castration -

A
74
Q

Laugh Lovers - jokes are sassy, people are classy and the food is gassy…

A
75
Q

Marriage is a value-chain - not funny

A
76
Q

I don’t like being right…

A

spoken in a sincere manner but the humor is most likely ironic because everyone likes to be right) - sort of like it only hurts when I laugh (makes no sense but somehow it is funny)

77
Q

Bridge - under/over 500 groups - back in the day at school we would be known as the “special” class…

A
78
Q

If I were with Louie we would stop and talk / genuine laughter

A

Similar to George Harrison - if we knew we were going to be famous we would have tried harder - incongruity?

79
Q

Spread my arms out and say without saying this is what they do - dog acting funny - middle level laugh

A

Perhaps “words cannot explain”

80
Q

Bosu Balance ball act-out - Hoovers - something funny about keeping it up - alternative to hike balancing

A
81
Q

Funny way to win…

A

growing old while others either die or become disabled - staying normal becomes victory - authentic laugh - Linda - talking about survivors

82
Q

CHAT-GPT - different way of being smart - the books read themselves…

A

Why is the “act” of reading considered to be smart? It’s just a means to an end…

83
Q

Old man pee…

A

Not getting older - getting better - can do it at the snap of a finger

84
Q

We need to hate something…

A

We used to kick the dog - now we kick people of the opposite political persuasion

85
Q

Why do we have locks…

A

Why do we have fences - because they make for good neighbors - locks - establish boundaries

86
Q

You know you are in trouble when things at the hardware store are interesting.

A
87
Q

They were smarter than me, more disciplined than me, more “whatever” than me…

A

My encounter with my science group - fun - rock solid topic - I knew I had a winner - fun to let them tear it apart - to their credit - came back with respect

88
Q

With exercise - I’m always thinking about it…
(Randy Petrine laughed at this)

A
89
Q

Some retirees like to play the “was” game - that’s usually when they know their “was” was better than your “was” - so I like playing the “is” game - when I know my health is better than theirs - it’s a funny way to win - thank god you can’t buy health - then the rich would have everything…

A
90
Q

I admit that I am full of myself - who else would I be full of - this is me

A
91
Q

You know what’s scary about california? We have incredible diversity of ideas, opinions and lifestyles - to live here comfortably you have to open minded about everything - except politics - when it comes to politics we are all supposed to think the same - exactly the same - we are all progressive democrats - that’s crazy - that’s scary - that’s socially enforced coercion -
The social consequences of thinking differently politically in california is pretty unpleasant - you buy into dogma or you pay the social consequences

A
92
Q

I was bored in school - must mean that I was real smart - reverse - most bright kids are bored in school - not challenging enough

A
93
Q

Most political misunderstanding are perfectly understood and have either been designed to activate the activists or infuriate the opponents - harmony is simply not the goal

A
94
Q

Brainless exercise - putting myself in a situation where I have to use my brain (think) - not funny but it’s interesting to think that thinking is generated by brainless situational positioning - like physical exercise - go to the gym and you will respond

A
95
Q

I’ve been married for 49 years,
so I’m pretty good at “duck and cover”… (act-out hands protecting from blow)

A

Comedy #!?* (33 decks)

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