Favorite jokes (mine) Flashcards
You want my vote? It’s for sale. Show me the money.
We often make fun of politicians. What about politicians making fun of us, you know, our integrity, our honor and our honesty…
TEE + THREES (comedy syntax)
Sales is pretty good preparation for standup comedy.
You have to believe in your product (smile) - you are definitely all alone - you are definitely dependent on the opinions and reaction of others - you wonder what they will believe - you wonder how you can trick them into thinking a certain way - your product is rarely the best - I may not be the best but you could do worse - in some ways sales is easier - sales is inviting yourself to talk about something that no one wants to talk about
I was last of a dying breed - door to door salesman - truly unique activity in today’s modern world
I’m not special (not a snob) but I am special (self esteem) - funny juxtaposition
Old person heavy sigh for doing nothing - Jerry Seinfeld type of humor - Mendocino - after breakfast
Network News - grade school morality lesson- story time - brain washing - Readers Digest - people like it - networks are all about market share
Progressive Agenda - how can I embrace the ideals without embracing the insanity - example - San Fransicko
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you - Silicon Valley miracles are for the most part capitalism at its sharpest
Skepticism is good - cynicism is bad - joke about - difference between - structure joke
Triggered - politics (darkness) - can’t get on top of that - can’t laugh it off - old? - Ukraine - from one war to another - overnight - American public instant idiots - numb / hold my tongue - reasons why it’s right - I hate politics - trillion dollar give away - black lives matters - me too movement - inflation - trump is an idiot - 2 party system
Can’t - (shouldn’t) get upset over things you can’t control
Marriage - you fight with yourself - you also have to fight with your spouse - battle ready - healthy to find way to tolerate - bigger mind - bigger the difference
If you can make it in New York - you can make it anywhere - take-off or simple truth or reformed cliche or reverse or realism-over/under/shock or irony or double entendre or POW OR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
I’m a one person person - just like my dad - Intimacy - really just one person - my wife
Never saw my parents argue - my mom was perhaps co-dependent - it was a little more our in the open with me and my wife - passive aggressive versus aggressive aggressive
Marriage is dodge ball…
Funny way to have fun
Patience is worth it - marriage
Marriage is just a nice-version of the world - 2 people - 8 billion - getting along and relating is challenging - be patient - stand your ground - decide what you are willing to settle for and what you will not compromise on
Robin Williams - no wonder he killed himself
Quote - I used to believe that being lonely was the worst thing in life - that was not true - worst is being around people who make you feel lonely - Bob Newhart - don’t get too close to truth
Pleasure / pain - slipping on banana peel - tragedy and humor - thin line - need to understand paradox or at least laugh at it - joke
Optimism in contrast or in response to challenge - bridge is practice for life - health problems - depression - strength - self discipline - logic of optimism - triples
TRIPLES - all of my jokes - 3 step buildup - also - lightbulb - dimmer switch - topper
Sales - just like sales - no respect - no skill other than having big balls and arrogant attitude - strange profession - not terribly different than standup comedy
Always trying to put the “moves” on without letting the buyer know it - manipulation - deception - plotting - just like comedy
Being worn out and worn down - good or bad? Stones in streams (river stones) or New England rocky coast (same thing)!
Thinking - oh fuck - meta to avoid actual thought - abstract it
Humiliation - dangerous emotion - desire to do something about it - foolish - birds and bees - grateful he hung around - hanging around - life is difficult - fifty fifty - divorce - better off - did not owe him her sanity
Marriage is definitely lateral thinking - never go directly at something - you don’t have enough info to solve the problem - solution has to be outside of the problem
Comedy - good challenge - can’t figure it out - that’s for me - ultimately I will - then like bridge - constant mistakes - I am a mountain climber - not sure why - maybe doesn’t matter
Stress - surprised I am alive - anxiety attacks - fear of driving off a cliff - getting better - maybe comedy challenge is helping - face your fesrs
At my age - similar to redneck jokes
At my age, immaturity is a good thing… (could be used in its variation as a running gag)
ALEXA - has to be something funny about talking to a computer that is more articulate than a human being
Persona - 5 word description - old man telling “gassy” jokes - cool challenge - like haiku - maybe more than five words - minimize is key - maybe syllables
My iPhone is not a phone
Not the smartest guy in the world but I know that my iPhone really is not a phone - for me, its….
Holiday Family Dinners - I need an algorithm to manage all the conflicting desires, identities and emotions - egos - anger - hostilities - sibling rivalries - should be humor in incongruity
The worst - incompatible personalities - all good people
Green Waste container - target - don’t know everything but I do know that I’m not saving the world by composting
If each of us just does our part - participatory madness - joke that is taken seriously
Buying a car is like consenting to have sex - foreplay, sweet talk, the full Monty - strangely enough I like it better with a man - I know he doesn’t give a shot about me
Being a salesman is really doing nothing but “being” - no real value added to the product . Maybe better fit - but here’s the thing - just like advertising / it does not matter if you like it - it is baked into the selling price
Maybe too harsh - a sales person helps a buyer overcome buyer hesitancy - my recent purchase of car - no illusion - I still wanted the sweet talk, the sweet lies well told - the acceptance of my small price concession request - it was almost like he lost respect when I asked for such a small price concession
MILF, DILF and more age appropriate for me, GILF - grannies I’d like to fuck - makes the suburbs interesting to live in
At a certain age you become a dirty old man - maybe when beyond a doubt your fantasies with a younger woman are never going to happen…
Holiday - this year easier - one child - usually all 3 kids - triangulation - like algebra - makes my head hurt - whose sensibilities are being hurt or jangled - lot of diversity
Children - genetic diversity with same parent / we are definitely not dogs - you breed 2 pure breed you get basically the same dog features - golden retrievers - gentile, beautiful - with people you get Joan of arc and Attila the Hun and the pope
Hey we need a salesman to sell this shit - tagline - triples to set up tension - accountant - x - salesman to sell this shit
Remember tampering with established name brand products - tamper proof tops - yo assure public - most are not - assholes who get their kicks doing this kind of thing just got bored - been there, done that…
Maybe computer viruses are just more fun
Mass shootings - copycat shit - sad but true - our media response is also sad - bandwagon agenda - can’t we do better? George z Carlin would know what to say… you know you are in trouble when you turn to Gerge Carlin for advice…
Maybe we need to hate - maybe we need to denigrate - Russians are our favorite target now - changes - you know, Germans and Japanese and North Vietnamese
It’s understandable that blacks might believe that all white people are the same - not true - there are white peoples and then there are Germans
Wife Jokes (flipping)
2 reasons - it’s not the way I think and secondly if she finds them, she will kill me - throw in my glasses joke
Too inhibited to tell a racy joke (right way) - example - I’m a wuadrasexual…
Beautiful tree - you’d swear it wasn’t real…
Actually pretty good!!!
Astronaut - space walking - terrifying when you are doing it, two days later - the midst fun I ever had - my dilemma in retirement - challenge / enjoyment / sustainable
Marriage - big 3 issue - compatibility - ambivalence / love / hate
Homeless Crazy - simultaneously being the performer snd audience - need to connect to audience - that’s why I’m here
Parents revenge for our hippy shit
3 little pigs - triples - I love triples - these are my big 3 issues
Don’t watch a lot of television - I know - hard to believe
ALIVE -
Pickleball - wild exuberance
children (<10 years) - crazy chaos
Hot tub / pool - spontaneous chats
Gardener - alive - standup comedy - dad - you know you are alive
XFINITY - female perspective
TARGET - hostility and prejudice - female perspective
Have you noticed that the cost of everything seems to be going up?
14% interest rates when we bought our home - no competition - adaptability - always opportunities
twinkle twinkle little star…
Why is that finger up so far?
women were always uncomfortable with make gynecologist - switch - female nurse practitioner - embarrassment
Ambivalence - love / hate - alternating current - shocked when I’m loved and shocked when I’m hated
Maybe key to life - the middle is the concept of balance - but you are never actually in the middle - divorces occur because of the dogmatic belief that love is incompatible with hate - 2 sides of the same coin - make love not war - or - do both - get married - 48 years - f I were a bird she would be the sky I fly in - if I were a fish - she would be tge icean I swim in - if I
*Paired elements - if bird - if fish - if…
*LEAD WITH FEAR - some people are afraid of doing standup comedy - let me tell you what fear is - fear is getting stuck in traffic after / cups of coffee and a bran muffin
Different hygiene standards - men and women - my version of clean house and my wife’s are worlds apart
I love standup baecause for 5 minutes I escape my seriousness - because comedy is not about me - for 5 minutes the only way for me to stay alive is to focus totally on you my audience - that’s good - that’s like space walking
The news - ugh - my son home from college - who listens to the news?
Zoom - obvious but important - first time in my life that I’ve looked at myself so much - not really ego driven - sort of ego deflating - third party view of myself from viewers perspective - women - traditional gender role - mirror - this is a mirror - get used to it - guys - not really - 2 minutes a day
Zoom - living in the future now - visual phone calls - 60’s space show - forces us to find something vital in the cold scream - expectations - funny - we don’t feel that way about actual phone calls - zoom is sort of like “too much information”
Actually made a lot of money with a sociology theory - monopoly - who the hell would be stupid enough to be a sociology major?
Know it all…
I always wanted to be a “know it all” - my joke delivered at my BNI ice breaker - encyclopedia story
My hypocrisy - proposition 13 - I want the tax break - justify it by politician’s inability to stop expanding spending - sounds like shallow rationalization - even by me (recipient) - but truth is that old people would be driven out of their homes
Funny - it never stopped the rise in real estate prices - should have but didn’t - people who can buy expensive homes can pay expensive property tax - bottom line - prop 13 just shifts the hurt to someone else - worst for first time buyers
15 years ago - first ride in hybrid car - Honda - “I have seen the future - and it’s boring”
Comedy writing reality - I have lots of ideas, trouble is, most of them suck
I’m not afraid of big things like rain, I’m afraid of little things like mosquitos
Comedy is the only time when it’s ok to complain provided you laugh at the pain
Immaculate conception…
from the very beginning - you were just not aware of it - you were fucked without knowing it - didn’t know it at the time - after losing a bridge hand - the cards were always lined up against you
How are you doing…
If the response is: could be better,
say, then you are an optimist!
You can’t be a cry baby…
and play bridge because with bridge you would be crying all the time…
“what the what?” - my personal tagline (clean version of “what the fuck”)
You want intimacy…
You know, isn’t funny that your spouse is not counted when you count up your friends - you know - how many friends do you have - not counting your spouse - like what are your assets not counting the value of your home - I live in california - are you kidding me? We spend all of our assets paying our mortgage and then we can’t include our home when we count up our assets? I have invested my all of my soul into my marriage and then she doesn’t count in my friend count? That’s not fair. Any other friendship has to be a pale in comparison - it’s not that they have no value - they do - it just will never rise to the level of intimacy of 49 years of co-habitation. So here’s the things- if we include our spouse in our friend count we then need to redefine friendship to include a healthy dose of hate-ship and most friendships can’t survive even small amounts of hate. I’m a pretty friendly guy but I’m not particularly intimate - I definitely like having fun and I like having fun with people but usually it’s in the context of an activity - tennis, golf, cards - you know - shared interests - I particularly like partnership games - doubles tennis - duplicate bridge -
I play duplicate bridge - you can’t get too much more socially intimate than that - 2 hour session - problem solving - missed signals - thrills and spills - 4 partnerships - each one is different
Friendship - male / female divide - let’s get together for coffee and just talk - “yowser” - not sure guys do that well - I don’t do that well - but I am getting better - trying it with a men’s group friend - so far so good / yoga comparison - women are more flexible - women approach friendship in different ways - women are definitely capable of being nicer but also more capable of surgical castration -
Laugh Lovers - jokes are sassy, people are classy and the food is gassy…
Marriage is a value-chain - not funny
I don’t like being right…
spoken in a sincere manner but the humor is most likely ironic because everyone likes to be right) - sort of like it only hurts when I laugh (makes no sense but somehow it is funny)
Bridge - under/over 500 groups - back in the day at school we would be known as the “special” class…
If I were with Louie we would stop and talk / genuine laughter
Similar to George Harrison - if we knew we were going to be famous we would have tried harder - incongruity?
Spread my arms out and say without saying this is what they do - dog acting funny - middle level laugh
Perhaps “words cannot explain”
Bosu Balance ball act-out - Hoovers - something funny about keeping it up - alternative to hike balancing
Funny way to win…
growing old while others either die or become disabled - staying normal becomes victory - authentic laugh - Linda - talking about survivors
CHAT-GPT - different way of being smart - the books read themselves…
Why is the “act” of reading considered to be smart? It’s just a means to an end…
Old man pee…
Not getting older - getting better - can do it at the snap of a finger
We need to hate something…
We used to kick the dog - now we kick people of the opposite political persuasion
Why do we have locks…
Why do we have fences - because they make for good neighbors - locks - establish boundaries
You know you are in trouble when things at the hardware store are interesting.
They were smarter than me, more disciplined than me, more “whatever” than me…
My encounter with my science group - fun - rock solid topic - I knew I had a winner - fun to let them tear it apart - to their credit - came back with respect
With exercise - I’m always thinking about it…
(Randy Petrine laughed at this)
Some retirees like to play the “was” game - that’s usually when they know their “was” was better than your “was” - so I like playing the “is” game - when I know my health is better than theirs - it’s a funny way to win - thank god you can’t buy health - then the rich would have everything…
I admit that I am full of myself - who else would I be full of - this is me
You know what’s scary about california? We have incredible diversity of ideas, opinions and lifestyles - to live here comfortably you have to open minded about everything - except politics - when it comes to politics we are all supposed to think the same - exactly the same - we are all progressive democrats - that’s crazy - that’s scary - that’s socially enforced coercion -
The social consequences of thinking differently politically in california is pretty unpleasant - you buy into dogma or you pay the social consequences
I was bored in school - must mean that I was real smart - reverse - most bright kids are bored in school - not challenging enough
Most political misunderstanding are perfectly understood and have either been designed to activate the activists or infuriate the opponents - harmony is simply not the goal
Brainless exercise - putting myself in a situation where I have to use my brain (think) - not funny but it’s interesting to think that thinking is generated by brainless situational positioning - like physical exercise - go to the gym and you will respond
I’ve been married for 49 years,
so I’m pretty good at “duck and cover”… (act-out hands protecting from blow)
