Chapter 8 - Secrecy and Self-Disclosure (Part 2 - Laying The Ground Work for Recovery)

Question 1

Who knows about the trouble you have with panic attacks and anxiety?

Answer 1

Mother, Sister1, Sister 2, Brother, Yohan, Joe, Helen, …

Question 2

Most people try to keep their panic attacks a secret, and this is another part of the panic trick.

Question 3

People make up a lot of excuses to keep their panic a secret. When they receive an invitation or request to go somewhere or do something that might result in a panic attack, they think up reasons to justify saying “no”.

They could say “I don’t want to do that. I’ve been having trouble with panic attacks, and I think I might have one if I go to that restaurant”. But most people with panic attacks feel too ashamed and emarrassed to say it so plainly. They often think thta if people knew about their trouble, they would probably think less of them-maybe think they’re “crazy”.

Question 4

Keeping panic hidden comes so naturally that many people never consider an alternative to the secrecy and deception. They just assume, without thinking it through, that it’s the only think to do. When they do realize that there’s another way, they’re often surprised. “You mean…just be honest?”

Question 5

It’s tru that your panic attacks are no one’s business but yours. The key is to conduct your business in a way that will maximize your recovery. If you decide to tell anyone about your panic, the reason won’t be because they deserve to know about it but rather becaue TELLING THE WILL HELP PROMOTE YOUR RECOVERY.

Question 6

**
Excuses give you an “out”. That might make it seem like a success. but just as most medications have some kind of side effects, some harmless and some harmful, the use of secrecy and deception has consequences as well.

Question 7

SIDE EFFECT #1: IMAGINING THE WORST

One consequence of secrecy is that you never find out how people would actually react to your secret. Instead, you IMAGINE the worst possible scenarios, the grimmest “what if” outcomes, such as envisioning that other people will react with disgust and ridicule on hearing about your fear. As a result, you end up with the emotional feelings that fit your dire predictions just as if they were true even though f you asked, your friend would tell you honestly that they have no basis in fact.

Question 8

The truth is, when you begin the secrecy, your friends will react in much more positive and supportive ways than you anticipated. The side effect of your secrecy, then, is that you systematically feel worse about yourself than you would if you were more open about your problems, but rather maintain them and even make them worse.

Question 9

Write down the name of a close friend or relative who does not know about your panic attacks.

Answer 9

Joy
Thomas

Question 10

When you feel embarrassed in the context of a panic attack, it’s because you recognize that there is “no good reason” to feel so afraid, that your fear is excessive and unreasonable. You realize that you’re not really in dangem and yet you’re afraid anyway.

Question 11

Embarrassment is a very helpful form of feedback. When you feel embarrassed in response to a panic attack, it’s a reminder that you’re up against discomfort, not danger. You can use this imbarrassment as a signal, a reminder to yourself that what you need to do now is treat the panic the discomfort it is. That means accepting the panic and working with it.

Question 12

How do you imagine that friend would react if you told him or her about your attacks today?

Answer 12

Supportive

Question 13

If the situation was reversed, and your friend suddenly revealed to you that he or she has been suffering from recurrent panic attacks, how would you react?

Answer 13

I would do all that I can to support them to the best of my abilities.

Question 14

With that in mind, do you still think your secrecy is justified?

Answer 14

No

Question 15

SIDE EFFECT #2: FEEL LIKE A FRAUD

When you hold what you consider to be a dark secret, you tend to discount your accomplishments and relationships with others. It’s easy to believe that if people “knew the truth” about you, they wouldn’t like you as much, or respect you as much, or want to be your friend. If you think you’ve been fooling people, it’s hard to take comfort in your accomplishments or relationships.

Question 16

It’s the people with the secrets who are being fooled. NOT THEIR FREINDS. The people with secrets are usually good, accomplished, likable people. Their phobias, however problematic, don’t change their worth as a person. But they won’t understand that until they break the secrecy by telling people about their problem, and realizing that they’re still accepted and valued.

Question 17

If you ask your friend or relative right now whether he or she thinks you are a good, accomplished, likable person, what do you think they would say?

Answer 17

They would say yes. I am a good, accomplished, likable person.

Question 18

What accomplishments and virtues might he or she point out in support of their opinion of you?

Answer 18

Intelligent. Fast learner. Educated. Gifted. Talented.

Question 19

If you revealed your secret panic attacks, which of these accomplishments and virtues would he or she be likely to change their mind about?

Answer 19

None

Question 20

SIDE EFFECT #3: INCREASED WORRY AND ANXIETY

A third problem with secrect is that, when you do go somewhere with people, you may be so concerned with protecting your secret and keeping others from noticing your fear that you can’t fully enjoy the occasion. A kind of stage fright-“what if I don’t play my role well?”-can contribute to your perception of being “trapped,” making you miserable, anxious, and more likely to have a panic attack.

Question 21

Can you think of any ways i which your “escape routes” actually nded up making you feel more trapped?

Answer 21

1. I would always carry two hats to school. I feared shoowing others my expanding baldness. One of the hats was for when I biked to and from class. The other hat was for when I was in class. The plan was to change hats before entering the class so no one would see me doing so, but I never remembered to do so and had to change hats in the middle of class with every one around. It felt really embarrasing, but I quickly did it and acted like nothing hiding the guilt I felt.
2. Carrying a backpacked filled with vitamins and a meal along with a bottle of water. Any where I would go; a friends house, a relatives house, the park, the grocery, I would always carry those objects with me. I felt very embarrased, trapped, when a relative or friend would asked me to go with them somewhere near. A corcer store, a park, a restaurant, etc.. I would always try my best to quickly gather all those items while hiding the guilt of me feelnig trapped. I have been asked a couple of times, but ended up explaining why. They were nice to understand, but it is a habit of mine I need to quite ASAP.

Question 22

SIDE EFEFCT FOUR: SOCIAL ISOLATION

If you fall into the habit of making excuses as a way to decline invitations, your freinds are going to notice. If you do it continuously, after a while people will form their own ideas about why you keep turning them down. If they don’t know the real reason, they’re likely to guess that you don’t enjoy their company, and may abandon their efforts to stay in touch with you. Then you will become socially isolated and more stuck in your phobias.

Question 23

Think back on a recent incident in which you made up an excuse to avoid a situation with a friend, rather than reveal that panic was the reason you didn’t want to go. Who intvited you, and to do what?

Answer 23

1. Helping Joyce with her computer needs.
2. Meeting up with Steve and his friend Travis.
3. Going to the beach with relatives. Insisted my borther go instead.
4. Taking a short ride to a nearby restaurant with a friend.
5. Avoid a “date” with a classmate who liked me.
6. Avoid a meet-up with an ex who travels all the way across the country to see me.

Question 24

What excuse did you offer?

Answer 24

1. Work
2. Work
3. Busy.
4. Tired.
5. Couldn’t make it
6. Couldn’t make it

Question 25

How did you friend react?

Answer 25

1. Insisted she comes pcik me up.
2. Didn’t care.
3. Upset.
4. Didn’t care
5. Was depressed
6. Was depressed

Question 26

How did you feel emotionally?

Answer 26

1. Was very sad and wished I didn’t feel the way I did and was able to happily go and help with no worries.
2. Same
3. Same
4. Same
5. Guilty
6. Guilty

Question 27

Did you experience any of these side effects described above? (1-4) Which? To what extent?

Answer 27

Side Effect 1: Imagining the worst.
- Yes. I would think deep of what I I would pass out from the heat. What if I get hungry and starve. What if I have a heart attack. What if I have a seizure. What if I have a panic attack. What if I have a stroke.

Side Effect 2.
- Yes. I would feel as if they figure out that I have panic attacks, anxiety, and bad habits, that they would disregard me and not think of me as the intelligent person I give off.

Side Effect 3: Increased Worry and Anxiety
- Yes. ?

Side Effect 4: Social Isolation
- Yes. Classmate who liked me that invited me to their house. I Never showed up. They were upset and didn’t speak to me the same after that.

Question 28

it is HIGHLY recommended to break out of secrecy. Most people are better able to take care of the business of recovery when they replace secrecy with selective self-disclosure.

This doesn’t mean you have to tell everybody you know about your troubles. Instead, take two deliberate steps:

1. Identify those situations and relationships in which self-disclosure could help you in recovery, or in some other important aspect of your life, such as maintaining friendships.
2. With each person you choose to reveal your condition to, plan ahead and be deliberate in deciding what to disclose and how to do it.

Question 29

EVALUATE THE COST AND BENEFITS OF SELECTIVE DISCLOSURE

Here;s an exercise that will guide you through the first step. Think of three friends or family members who you know have your best interest at heart. Because self-disclosure is a learning process, start with people who are genuinely supportive of you. For now, don’t be concerned with their ability to understand the problem, only with the quality of their relationship to you. Identify the fitst person beow, and answer each question about that person.

Question 30

Person 1.

Name: Mother

What are the benefits of keeping the secret: She would not bombard me with consipracy or false/clickbait articles about my recovery.

What are the negative side effects of keeping the secret: I would take longer to recover. It would add more weight to my recovery.

What are the potential benefits of disclosure: Takes some weight off my shoulder. Makes me feel relieved someone knows about my secrets.

What are the potential negative side effects of disclosure:She would bombard me with consipracy or false/clickbait articles about my recovery.

Question 31

THE RELIEF AND CALMING EFFECT YOU FEEL COMES FROM YOU, NOT THE SUPPORT PERSON.

Most people treat the support person as a magical source of saftey. So long as they do this, and aren’t able to recognize that they’re the source of their own comfort, not the support person, they continue to fele vulnerable and dependent on others. This keeps them phobic, and more liekly to have recurrent panic attacks.

Question 33

PPAGE 110-111 FOR SUPPORT PERSON GROUND RULES

Question 34

Long-term reliance on a support person will delay, perhaps block, your recovery

Question 35

If you’re willing and able to start the exposure work described in Part Three without a support person, more power to you. You will save time and effort in the long run, because you won’t have to rely on anyone else in the early stages. Letting go of a support person is an important step in your recovery.

Question 36

Choosing a Support Person Rules

1. You don’t want someone canceling out when you’re mentally prepared to go out and do some exposure work.
2. You want someone who has your best interests at heart.
3. You want someone who can be a good listener, hear what you are saying, and work with that instead of substituting their own judgement for yours.
4. You want someone who will respect your confidentiality and maintain your privacy.
5. MOST OF ALL, you want someone who has enouph emotional distance from your troubles that he or she is content to let you work at your own pace.