Chapter 8: Communicating In Intimate Relationships Flashcards
Intimacy
Significant emotional closeness
- EX: mom, sister, close friend
Commitment
Desire to stay - no matter what happens
- emotional: sense of responsibility for each other’s emotions
- social: spend a lot of time together, give praise, avoid conflict, compromise
i. EX: hanging out with your S.O’s best friends even though you don’t like them
- Financial: people’s obligation to each other
i. Parents have legal responsibility to provide housing, food, clothing, healthcare, and education for their children (under 18)
Interdependence
one person’s errant/decision affects everyone in the relationships
○ EX: someone in your family is in a bad mood, by the end of the night everyone is in a bad mood
○ EX: your dad gets a promotion in Wyoming, the whole family has to move to Wyoming
Dialectical tensions
conflicts between two important but opposing relational needs or desires
Autonomy vs Connection
want to be your own person but still have a emotional connection to someone
- Autonomy = desire to be your own person
- Connection = desire to be close to others
EX: wanting to have independence from parents, but still want to maintain a relationship with your parents
EX: wanting to have independence from S.O, but they want to be with you 24/7
Openness vs Closeness
want to be open, but maintain some information to yourself
- Openness: desire for disclosure and honesty
- Closeness: desire to keep certain facts, thoughts, or ideas to yourself
EX: tell your parents everything, but you want to withhold some information in a relationship
Predictability vs Novelty
Consistently doing the same thing, but also wanting to try something different
- Predictability: desire for consistency and stability
- Novelty: desire for fresh new experiences
Investment - “Sunk Cost Fallacy”
- Need to invest in relationship
○ EX: your time
Romantic relationships
- exclusivity
- voluntariness
- love
- sexuality
- permanence
Monogamy
the state of being in only one romantic relationship at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside of the relationship
- Depends on culture (Italy, Spain, South Africa are some cultures where its okay to have more than 1 partner)
Polygamy
state of having two or more spouses at once
Infidelity
romantic or sexual interaction with someone outside of one’s romantic relationship
Voluntariness
people choose to be in relationships
- Depends on culture (EX: arranged marriages)
Love
Choice should be based on love and attraction
- Other cultures may not believe that love is not required for marriage
Sexuality
same-sex and opposite-sex relationships are very similar when dealing with conflict, negotiations, etc
- Other cultures are not as accepting of same-sex marriages
Permanence
Relationship is permanent, no breaking up, etc
Stages of development (for relationships)
- initiating
- experimenting
- intensifying
- integrating
- bonding
Initiating
stage of relationship development at which people meet and interact for the first time
Experimenting
stage of relationship at which people converse to learn more about each other
Intensifying
stage of relationship at which people more from being acquaintances to being close friends
- “important time”
Integrating
stage of relationship development at which a deep commitment has formed, and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity
Bonding
the stage of relationship development at which partners make a public announcement of their commitment to each other
- EX: getting an apartment together, getting engaged
Conflict
expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scare resources, and interference from other party in achieving their goals
Couples can be classified based on how they handle conflict. What are the different classifications?
- Validating
- volatile
- conflict avoiding
- hostile
Validating couples
talk about disagreements openly and cooperatively, and communicate respect for each other’s opinions
- Also stay calm, use humor and expressions of positive emotion to defuse the tension that conflict can create
Volatile couples
competition rather than cooperation when communicating, can get intense, followed by intense periods of affection and “making up”
Conflict avoiding couples
avoid open discussion of issues, “agree to disagree”, points of disagreement stays unresolved, resentment for each other builds up
Hostile couples
frequent and intense conflict, use negative emotion displays such as harsh tones, facial expression of anger or frustration
- Also engage in personal attacks, insults, sarcasm, disrespect, etc
Conflicts in Relationships in Gay and lesbian couples
More humor, less violence/hostility, calmer
Communication privacy management theory (CPM)
A theory explaining how people in relationships negotiate the tension between disclosing information and keeping it private
○ Both people in the relationship jointly own private information
○ Need to consult with each other on what should be private and public
Instrumental communication
communication about day-to-day topics and tasks
- Romantic relationships vary in how they handle instrumental communication
EX: couple that presents themselves as equal in the relationship may distribute tasks equally
- Expectations may cause conflicts when it comes to tasks
Ending romantic relationships
- Differentiating
- Circumscribing
- Stagnating
- Avoiding
- Terminating
Differentiating
the stage of relationship dissolution at which partners begin to view their differences as undesirable or annoying
EX: you’re a introvert, bf is a extrovert, you start to be annoyed by how much he talks
Circumscribing
the stage of relationship dissolution at which partners begin to decrease the quality and quantity of their communication with each other
a. Communicating less and less with each other, hanging out less
Stagnating
the stage of relationship dissolution at which the relationship stops growing and the partners feel as if they are just “going through the motions”
Avoiding
the stage of relationship dissolution at which partners create physical and emotional distance from each other
EX: excuses, ghosting
Terminating
the stage of relationship dissolution at which the relationship is officially deemed to be over
- Ending a relationship via phone or in person
- Divorce: legal discontinuation of a marriage
Family of origin
the family in which one grows up, usually consisting of parents and siblings
Family of procreation
the family one starts as an adult, usually consisting of a spouse or romantic partner and children
Roles when it comes to conflic in families?
- Blamer
- Placater
- Computer
- Distracter
Blamer
putting the blame on someone else (holds others responsible)
Placater
doing something to appease other side
○ Wants peace, doesn’t like conflict
○ Give up what they want to keep peace in the family
Computer
attempts to use logic and reason rather than emotion to defuse the situation
Distracter
changes the subject by making random, irrelevant comments so the rest of the family forgets about the conflict
○ Helps people calm down and regain their footing
Confirming messages
behaviors that convey how much another person is valued and respected
Disconfirming messages
behaviors that imply a lack of respect or value for others
Handeling conflict
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Contempt
Defensiveness
seeing themselves as a victim and denying responsible for their behavior
- “If I’m bad, you’re just as bad”
Stonewalling
withdrawing from a conversation
○ Acting like a stone wall (silent treatment)
○ Stress levels go up for other person in conversation
Contempt
hostile behavior in which people show a lack of respect for each other
- Complete lack of respect
Integration
A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails developing behaviors that will satisfy both sides of a tension simultaneously
